Does anybody else "miss" the drama?

[Mountaineagle]

The after effects of trip I made recently to Russia is still bothering me a week since my return. There were a lot of triggers on this trip that I had not anticipated. I have actively avoided triggers for some time now, but they were right in my face on my trip. I am really missing my exBPD now. Somehow in a wierd way I miss the drama. Whenever I went on a trip we would have major drama and I would spend a lot of my time trying to solve them in vain on the road. All these experiences has burned themselves into me. So I was somehow anticipating drama all the time when travelling. Do any of you "miss" the drama? And why am I feeling like this? A part of me is close to contacting her again. Please help! 

[Hurt llama]

we miss the stimulation... .  drama, happiness, sadness and connection really. It's like drug addiction and it doesn't make 'sense' in the rational sense (obviously). I don't miss the drama but i do miss the connection but going into week 3 of ending her (again) and 8 days of no contact... . (the most in 6 years even long distance) I do feel the emptiness... .  but the thought of talking to her or emailing or texting makes me sick right now... .  I just imagine the dead end same conversations over over and over and it makes it a little easier... .

[Louise7777]

Hi MountainEagle!

I dont have a BPD SO, but I have uBPD family members, so its completelly different. But I dont miss the drama aat all. All the rageing, tamtruns and histrionic and sadistic behaviour just made me sick over the years. To a point that Im NC. I feel very relieved.

A relationship for me is supposed to be calm and peacefull, so all that dramas and comotions are not my thing. I can understad its appealing for some, though.

Wish you the best of luck.

[Mountaineagle]

we miss the stimulation... .  drama, happiness, sadness and connection really. It's like drug addiction and it doesn't make 'sense' in the rational sense (obviously).

This is a completely new feeling for me. And irrational addiction would explain a little of it. I feel so sad and lonely right now, so it might be the "connection" part that I am missing. So confusing!

A relationship for me is supposed to be calm and peacefull, so all that dramas and comotions are not my thing. I can understad its appealing for some, though.

I also value calm and peaceful relationships the highest. This relationship hooked me into the dramas. That I truly hate. And now that I "miss" the drama it makes me feel like a failure somehow. Like I got infected.

[Diligence]

I'd like to share my experience with drama, Mountaineagle.

I am no stranger to it.  As I continue to heal, I realize that I can rely on drama as a distraction from perceived helplessness.  I can create drama (turmoil) to keep me preoccupied from thinking I am a victim.

My childhood was traumatic.  I was habituated to ongoing drama, never knowing around what the next parental drama might revolve.  I learned to be codependent.

I escaped from those formative years into a marriage in which I could comfortably continue codependency.  I kept myself ultra busy to distract myself from an unhappy, unsatisfactory, dysfunctional marriage.  Caught up coping with my manufactured preoccupations, I did not have to make decisions about my marriage.  I allowed myself to continue in a familiar sense of helplessness.

Now, in healing, I recognize my tendency to overwhelm myself with intentions.  Predictably, they preoccupy me.  Out of habit I thus distract myself.  There is nothing I need to hide from emotionally.  When I remember this, I experience clarity, enjoy the moment with peace and contentment, and relax my shoulder muscles.   

If I start whipping up drama for myself, I remember that drama is a poor coping skill that never positively serves me.  It is just default behavior that I can change.  And I'm working on it!

Warm regards.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you Dilligence!

There are emotions in me right now that I am trying to run away from. Since my last post I broke my own NC and searched her on instagram to see what pictures she had posted. There was a picture of flowers and chocolate she had gotten from a "secret admirer". BAM! I feel numb right now. A disbelief mixed with a tiny bit of relief.

I have not experienced this particular emotional state before so I am lost right now. My coping tricks do not work right now. I have tried to "journal" it out, and a lot of rational thoughts come, but the feeling is still there. I know I have to be brave and try to pick myself up, but I lack energy. Slipping into anxiety land. 

"Also this shall past" - hopefully 

[laelle]

I missed it for a while as it was a distraction from dealing the mess that was going on in my own life.  I needed that fix of crazy and criticism to feel alive.

I am working on other ways to feel alive.  It goes something like... .  

Living and enjoying my life... .  and being excited about what tomorrow could bring.

I can now have happiness and peace without being dragged through someone

else's emotional mud puddle.

[Mountaineagle]

I missed it for a while as it was a distraction from dealing the mess that was going on in my own life.  I needed that fix of crazy and criticism to feel alive.

I went into a serious anxiety panic attack and went into an emergency appointment at my doctor. I got to talk it out. He said that I might be addicted to unstability at my core because of my FOO and how my life has played out in general. I have lost my overview of the situation so this was a revelation for me. I have not thought about life before this relationship, but it has not been a very stable life. A lot of uncertainty and moving around as a child and having parents that were more like children than adults. I have learned to thrive in uncertain situations and have gotten a kick out of it. Now I have reached my limit. I want more control and stability in my life, but I know that my wild side will get bored   so be it. This is not healthy for me.

I have had control now for some time and things were looking good. But my wild side got woken up and took over the show for a while. I suddenly had no defence against it. My doctor suggested that I should master my everyday life and that I get a regular sleep rythm. This is my 21st hour of being awake now, and it is around noon here. I hope I feel better when I wake up again, trying to go to sleep now. Mountaineagle crash landed today... .  

[Take2]

I missed it for a while as it was a distraction from dealing the mess that was going on in my own life.  I needed that fix of crazy and criticism to feel alive.

My therapist has mentioned this addiction a couple times to me.  I didn't think I was addicted to the drama.  I grew up with alot of drama in my home and looved it when I was able to move out on my own and have peace and quiet in my own place so I had a hard time thinking I was addicted to the current drama in my life from my uBPD-exbf.  But I think this quote actually nails it for me... .    the drama from this ex does distract me and has distracted me through a very difficult time of life.  Of course it's made difficult times soo much more difficult.  The irony... .     

[healingmyheart]

Just had that conversation yesterday with my counselor.  I "miss" my ex BPD... .  not the drama per say but the goodness.  She feels its the addiction and I miss the euphoric high I got from him especially during the idolization period.  I've never been addicted to anything before so this out of control feeling is hard for me to comprehend.  

Four months out of the relationship, I am discovering myself and it is empowering.  I enjoy my alone time and not having to worry about what my ex BPD feels about what I'm doing.  Somehow though, I still miss him.  I just pray that in time the vision of him will dissipate because I never want to go back.  We all deserve normalcy... .  

[laelle]

Just had that conversation yesterday with my counselor.  I "miss" my ex BPD... .  not the drama per say but the goodness.  She feels its the addiction and I miss the euphoric high I got from him especially during the idolization period.  I've never been addicted to anything before so this out of control feeling is hard for me to comprehend.  

Four months out of the relationship, I am discovering myself and it is empowering.  I enjoy my alone time and not having to worry about what my ex BPD feels about what I'm doing.  Somehow though, I still miss him.  I just pray that in time the vision of him will dissipate because I never want to go back.  We all deserve normalcy... .  

I couldnt have said it better myself.  The silence, atm for me, its empty, but it could be filled with needy, chaotic hatred. Empty gives me time for alot of self reflection.  Self reflection and the awesome guidance I get here is helping me to fill that emptiness with me... .  and all the wonderful things that I am that I let my ex convince me that I wasnt.

[charred]

I miss being stimulated by the r/s. I don't miss the insanity or high stress. My exBPDgf was nearly ever present, and that level of attention was a little irritating at times, but was addictive. She had chat capabilities at work (as I do) and I would hear from her many times a day, get texts in the morning, and talk at night... .  we spoke all night long 2-3 times... . and it was addictive. Felt like someone cared about all the minor trivial things that happened in my day... . like I mattered... . that was the part I miss.

However I don't miss the hater that my exBPDgf was more often than not... .  don't miss the hurt she caused me, my exwife and daughter, and while the deafening silence that hurt at first when we broke up has passed... . I learned a lot. I learned to appreciate being alone, to appreciate the difference between the pwBPD's ego stroking false interest without real love, and my exwife's genuine/normal loving interest. (She didn't want to listen to my trivial issues, she has her own... .  same as anyone... .  the pwBPD didn't actually care... . she knew it was a hook to get me connected to her more deeply... .  a manipulation.)

I travel as well, and it is odd to travel with no one reacting good/bad/otherwise. Last week I was in Detroit for work... .  and the PM for the project set off my disorder detector... . she is married but confided she was "getting a divorce soon" and she told some strange stories about being propositioned twice by Amway to be a corporate escort for them... . (I swear its true... . that she said it, doubt its actually true.)... . and clearly she was hinting at getting something going with me.

I was polite/professional, came back and had a note that my part of the project only needed 2 days work done between now and first of June... .  which is ridiculous... .  its a major design effort, needing full time work throughout may... .  so by dodging some drama, I think I got punished by another disordered gal... .  but I prefer to think of it as dodging a new bullet. 

[Diligence]

Good morning, Mountaineagle.

I understand feeling numb.  That I seemed to have mattered so very little to my xuNPDh exacerbated my negligible self-worth.  I felt betrayed for the effort I had poured into my marriage.  And that fueled rage.  For me, Betrayal + Rage = Numbness (for a while).  I use my therapy for guidance as I grapple with my life and who I am.  It is my task to stamp out fleas I picked up from my alcoholic/BPD family of origin.  When I see those parasitic bugs I work to extinguish them.  When I experience disappointment, my fleas attack! 

Disappointment triggers my depression.  Then, irrationally, I choose, when I am feeling especially vulnerable, to examine other things that are disappointing me.  I have used this senseless technique often enough to recognize it and try to avoid it.  Now I acknowledge that I am feeling disappointment and contemplate what I can do to nurture myself.  I am not well practiced with this yet, but I am on my way. 

Exactly!  This too shall pass!  (I wish this did not apply to the good as well as the bad.)

Warm regards.

[changingme]

It definitely kept me on my toes & life was always unpredictable.  Sometimes the "high" part of an unpredictable life I miss.  Now that I have this HUGE understanding and clarity of what really happened, I sit home, look around and think "Ok now what?" I think I was driven to find the answers for all the drama and now I have them so now I no longer preoccupied with finding that answer. 

Curious where my life will take me from here... .  

[charred]

It definitely kept me on my toes & life was always unpredictable.  Sometimes the "high" part of an unpredictable life I miss.  Now that I have this HUGE understanding and clarity of what really happened, I sit home, look around and think "Ok now what?" I think I was driven to find the answers for all the drama and now I have them so now I no longer preoccupied with finding that answer. 

Curious where my life will take me from here... .  

That is where I am... . had huge conflict with my divorce and r/s with pwBPD... . and recycle after recycle, saw a T, read, got on boards here, and finally understand it all and feel like I am over the giant stress of it. No longer preoccupied with the answer, looked in to moving forward and am sitting around a pretty quiet house going... .  "now what?"

I don't miss the high stress drama of having my life torn apart, but I do miss having a lot of excitement in my life.

[Katy-Did]

"Mountaineagle", no updates since you "crash landed" on April 30.   How are you doing?   

[VeryFree]

I don't miss the bad things.

I do miss the good times, the good feelings, the nice things we did together, the friend I thought I had.

When this missing tries to play me trick I quickly try to remember how rare these good things were, how often I would go to home from work, worried about which difficulties were waiting at home.

I then try to remember how she falsely accused me, how she tricked me into a situation, how she right now tries to ruin me both financially and emotionally.

And finally I realise that after a decade of ___ I have matters into my own hands. I will probably suffer from  big financial consequences, but nobody touches my freedom!

I can go where ever I wanna go. I can meet who ever I wanna meet. I just have to do things I want to do. Without drama, without abuse.

[changingme]

I don't miss the high stress drama of having my life torn apart, but I do miss having a lot of excitement in my life.

Right there with you Charred! 

[Mountaineagle]

"Mountaineagle", no updates since you "crash landed" on April 30.   How are you doing?   

I'm not doing so good  I'm so confused now, it's not even real... .

[Take2]

Mountain Eagle... .  what are you confused about?  can you tell us more ?

Did you get back together?

[Diligence]

Hi, Mountaineagle!   

You are not alone!  We are here for you!

Warm regards!

[charred]

Its tough starting over after an r/s with a pwBPD. I dated a few normal gals and it was a let down, the lack of the electricity was hard to adjust to. Came to the practical view that I probably should be back with my exwife... . and I certainly still care for her. We have done things together and it is comfortable, and lacking in excitement.

I have been in T for almost a year, my stress level has dropped from dangerous to low enough I now doubt my ADHD diagnosis that has been a constant since I was 7. However I still want the excitement that goes with a new/intense relationship, and the r/s with my pwBPD had that to such a degree that it is hard to move on. She lied, berated me, was horrible in every way, but the drama made me feel alive.

Now I am drama free and feel like I might as well take a nap... .  yawn. Hope it gets better.

[Mountaineagle]

Thank you for your support!

I'm having multiple confusing emotional and physical experiences. Going to the T is very rough. Childhood issues are surfacing and my sensitivity is way beyond what I have experienced before. There are so many things coming towards me and from within that I am having some "reality" problems. The theme of my life is that multiple stuff hit me at the same time, bombarding me on all levels, leaving me gasping for "air".

Today I learned that it might be the cortisol levels in me after the trip that has wrenched open both old and recent wounds, triggering more cortisol, and I yearn to be "safe". Thus yearn to be back together with her. I desperately need to cool down but am unable to do that. I was on a really good streak before and felt I was making progress, but this crash has had me plummeting steadily downwards for 2 weeks now. I hope this ends soon.

No we are not back together   

[LetItBe]

Thank you for your support!

I'm having multiple confusing emotional and physical experiences. Going to the T is very rough. Childhood issues are surfacing and my sensitivity is way beyond what I have experienced before. There are so many things coming towards me and from within that I am having some "reality" problems. The theme of my life is that multiple stuff hit me at the same time, bombarding me on all levels, leaving me gasping for "air".

Today I learned that it might be the cortisol levels in me after the trip that has wrenched open both old and recent wounds, triggering more cortisol, and I yearn to be "safe". Thus yearn to be back together with her. I desperately need to cool down but am unable to do that. I was on a really good streak before and felt I was making progress, but this crash has had me plummeting steadily downwards for 2 weeks now. I hope this ends soon.

No we are not back together  

Good job on getting the help you need from a therapist and not turning to your ex for "support."    :)o you have friends or family you can also turn to?

I understand the feeling of so many old and recent issues bombarding you at once, leaving you "gasping for air," yearning for something familiar, but knowing that what is "familiar" is harmful.  I was on a good streak before the anniversary of my mom's death, feeling solid and sure about my decision not to re-engage with my uBPDxbf -- who was a mirror of my mom.  I ultimately did reach out to him when my "mom" and FOO issues resurfaced in a big way, leaving me yearning for him (and probably the need to distract myself, fix things, and regain some control), and we recycled for a couple of months.  It ended the same way as before -- very painfully.  There is no need for me to try to rewrite that script.  It won't change.  BPD is real, and it didn't magically go away in 6 1/2 months.

Next time I feel weak, I need to turn to my friends, this forum, my therapist -- anyone except for him!  He's not a safe person for me.

Wishing you strength as you work your way through this part of your healing process.

[Katy-Did]

Mountaineagle... .    We're here to support you during this dark time.  Please continue to touch base with us.  Most of us have experienced similar storms from time-to-time and it's comforting to know others care. 

[Cumulus]

Thinking of you today mountain eagle as I read through these posts. I hope you are in a better spot. Did your xBPDp make you feel safe?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mountaineagle,  I support and care about you, as do a lot of people here.  There's a thread going on right now about Intensity vs. Intimacy.  I think we confused intensity with love.  I agree with others that it acted like an addiction.  Heck, for me it was an addiction... . to a person.  That is where the codependency comes in for me. 

So I understand what you are 'missing'.  I feel it, too, but not as intensely as it was soon after we broke up for the upteenth time.  Be patient and gentle with yourself.  You are a good person deserving of good things.   

[Mountaineagle]

I'm finally able to post here again. It has now been more than 2 months since last post from me. I'm doing fine now. I discovered something weird about myself during this odyssey. The day I crash landed my exBPDgf submitted her master thesis in law. This was the pinnacle of 5-6 years of studying for her. I somehow felt it, and "knew" that I had felt her feelings of stress. I started searching for answers and found something called clairsentience, the ability to feel other peoples energies in one's body. There was a tip on one of the sites I visited that I should pray to archangel Michael to undo the connections and heal them. I did that and prayed to Jesus also. That night I slept good for the first time in 6 months. Curious about my new discovery I actually called her a couple of days later. I don't know why I did it. I said to myself that I felt bad for her if she had really felt that way. I don't know anymore why. There was a good tone between us in the phone that surprised me, and I asked her if she had someone new in her life, she said no... . We talked now and then and she sent pictures of her self and I started getting feelings for her again. However my new ability of feeling her constantly gave me that feeling that she was with someone else. About three weeks later I was really worn down by this and all the other stuff I was going through I had to confront her directly. And I told her about my ability and that I was feeling that she was with someone else. She was. I admitted myself to a mental institution the day afterwards as I was kind of loosing it. Stayed there 2 weeks and totally reset myself, no internet, no reading, no TV, no nothing just exercise and food. Realized that posting here and reading all those books and the constant searching just added to my pain. So I just stayed away and have stayed away since, this is the first time here in a long time. Later I also learned that when you are depressed the boundaries get really thin between people. Now as I am getting better I am not feeling the same way, or the strange sensations that plagued me when I was really down. It's all going back to normal now. Anyway I wanted to give you all an update of what went down    

[Phoenix.Rising]

You've been through quite a lot.  I understand the feelings and desire to re-connect at times.  I have been away from my ex for over 6 months now and I've gone on a few dates.  I'm glad you are doing better.  Nice to hear from you.