Do SOMETHING or don't criticize my SOMETHING

[daylily]

I'm getting really frustrated this week about my uBPDh's seemed inability to take on tasks or make decisions, but infallible tendency to criticize me for every task I take on and every decision I make.  I've probably written about this before, but I need to bring it up again, if only to vent.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a single mother and my H is just a daycare provider while I'm at work.  That job alone, it seems, is the limit of his capability to contribute.  If there's anything over and above his usual "day care" duties, occasional cooking, taking out the trash and dog poop cleanup, he cites to the extreme difficulty of the duties I just mentioned (and points out that I'm such a terrible person for suggesting he do more), then bows out.  

Example: I always take S5 and D1 to doctor appointments, even though I'm the primary breadwinner and I work full time.  I just take time off work to do it.  H is fearful that I'm going to lose my job, so he criticizes me for doing this.  The way he's speaking to me, you'd think he's my boss (or my father).  He offers to take S5 to his upcoming checkup (and throws in that he always would have done this in the past, but I insisted on doing it myself - not true).  So I change the existing appointment for S5 to a time when H can take him.  A few days later, after all that, H changes his mind and decides that I should take S5 to his appointment because S5 will be getting a shot (unspoken: H doesn't want to deal with S5 going through something uncomfortable).  And I have to change the appointment time yet again to a time I can go.

So what happened to all the condescending concern about my work schedule?  What happened to the adamant protest that he would have taken on doctor appointments all along?  They seemed so legitimate at the time!

I know I latch onto his criticisms too much and modify my own behavior because of it.  It's of course that "kernel of truth" that gets me.  No, I'm not going to get fired for taking my son to the doctor.  But I do need to work more, and in the past I haven't been as good as I should be at making up time when I take it off for something like this.  So if I had it to do my own way, I'd take my son to the doctor, then make up the work time somewhere else (which is what I'll end up doing).  I guess I just need to trust in my own judgment and not buy into H's condescending comments, because his "concerns" are fleeting anyway... .   Perhaps at the time I can separate out the part of his concern that is "legitimate" and address that (e.g., I'm going to make up my time at work), and not take on the extraneous "noise."

Sometimes I just get so fed up with having to do almost everything and being criticized for almost everything I do.  

  :)aylily

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[Kunoichi]

Hi Daylily,

I really can't offer much in the way of advice (not that you're looking for any that is ) but I just want to let you know that I understand exactly how you are feeling. I battle with my husband about these types of things daily.

Besides his pathological lying which sets me on my ear I get very sick and tired of his promising to do something then, when it comes time to do that something he makes a million and one excuses for why he cannot do it.

It can be as simple as taking off the trash. I have 6 months worth of trash piled up on my back patio because he says every day "I promise I'll take it off tomorrow" funny how tomorrow never comes! And to make matters worse, if I even look like I'm thinking about taking it off to the dump he gets offended and it will lead to a major fight if I allow it.

My house is a mess because I just cannot keep up with it myself. I have some physical disabilities and I do as much as I can but eventually it all outruns me and he is of no help at all. After a showdown a few days ago over some things I found on his pc he has been all sheepish and "mommy's little helper" around the house. Cleaning out the litter box, vacuuming, taking OUT the trash (not to the dump) all without being asked, begged, cajoled or threatened into doing it.

He has metaphorically shown his ever loving royal behind here lately so now when I get on him about it he has turned into the perfect gentleman. Overly concerned with my well-being, needs and desires. Too little too late in my book and besides it will only last a short time before he's right back doing the things that ticked me off to start with.

And the criticisms OMG! It used to bother quite a bit when I would do something he asked of me but it was never good enough or he would ask me a question then argue with me about the answer I gave him. He still attempts to "correct" me when I'm cooking, cleaning etc and I just look at him and tell him to stick to what he knows (cars) and I'll take care of the rest. I grew up in a house of 6 and learned to cook, clean and take care of the family by age 8. I'm quite certain I have these things under control and as I ask him every time, you have clean clothes right? I have never poisoned you with bad food, have I? You've gained 100lbs in the 18 years we've been married and you've never had to go anywhere naked so I must be doing SOMETHING right.

I know it's difficult when you hear it day in and day out but try to let it roll off of you like water off a duck's back. The more you think about it the more it affects you in a negative way. I usually drown mine out with my mp3 player and a good pair of earphones LOL!

[Suzn]

So I change the existing appointment for S5 to a time when H can take him.  A few days later, after all that, H changes his mind and decides that I should take S5 to his appointment because S5 will be getting a shot (unspoken: H doesn't want to deal with S5 going through something uncomfortable).  And I have to change the appointment time yet again to a time I can go.

Hi daylily, sorry things are a struggle with your h. I can hear your frustration and you sound exhausted.   It sounds as though you and your h had an agreement and it sounds like a reasonable agreement. Watching your child get a shot is uncomfortable, you know it's going to hurt and they are going to cry, however, this is what parents have to do sometimes. Why do you think you saved him from his un-comfortableness? That is, assuming this was the issue. 

Ya know, when we get tired and frustrated it's hard to remember to use the tools. What are doing for you lately to alleviate your stress? Are you making time for you to rest? 

[daylily]

And to make matters worse, if I even look like I'm thinking about taking it off to the dump he gets offended and it will lead to a major fight if I allow it.

This is a continual problem.  For a long time I felt like I was stuck because he wouldn't do something and wouldn't "let" me do it either.  Now I just do it anyway, even if it leads to a fight.  Maybe that's enabling him because I'm doing something that he should be doing?  But at least things get done that way!  And I've been working on not letting his emotional reactions to things affect my actions (sometimes unsuccessfully).

  Daylily

[daylily]

Watching your child get a shot is uncomfortable, you know it's going to hurt and they are going to cry, however, this is what parents have to do sometimes. Why do you think you saved him from his un-comfortableness? That is, assuming this was the issue. 

Ya know, when we get tired and frustrated it's hard to remember to use the tools. What are doing for you lately to alleviate your stress? Are you making time for you to rest? 

Hi Suzn, thanks for your input! 

In response to your first question, when I changed the appointment again so I could take my son, I was thinking of my son rather than of my H.  Due to H's uncomfortableness with the situation, he may not alleviate my son's uncomfortableness, and I want to be there for my son.  Unlike my H, who should be able to power through uncomfortable parenting situations, my son is just a little one who needs some love, especially when he's going through a tough time like a doctor visit.   

As for your question of what I do about my stress, the answer is well... .  nothing.  I'm not so good at that.  I work more than full time at a high-stress emotional job, manage our finances, clean the house, do the laundry, do the dishes, do all of the shopping, take care of all scheduling of kids' activities, and I also take care of the kids every moment that I'm not at work.  There's not a whole lot of time or energy left for me.  I am not sure how to make time for me to rest, as that would mean that H would need to step up a little and watch the kids more than he does, which he doesn't seem willing to do.  I agree that it's affecting my ability to use the tools.  Circumstances have changed a little lately so that my previous "me time" outlets (a long drive to work and lunch hours at work) aren't available anymore so I need to find a way to make up the "me time" some other way!

  Daylily

[Kunoichi]

Enabling him? Eh, maybe but think of it this way. Do you allow him to call the shots and do things his way or do you just go ahead and do what needs to be done?

I can usually get away with the small things but anything big, like going to the dump, my husband will take great offense and it can lead to him becoming violent.

Although I can stand my ground against him I really don't want to have to physically fight him over something like the trash. Bruises, broken bones and such just aren't worth it. Besides that I'm not going to jail for defending myself and kicking his a$$ when he damn well deserves it

Many times I have asked myself why I put up with the excess baggage he dumps on me. I've always come to the same answer, I don't know. Seems something has to change. Maybe it's time to set him out on the curb.

[daylily]

Bellamina, that's a tough one.  My H hasn't gotten physical with me, though he's confessed that at times he's been tempted to.  I understand how you might be less inclined to do something to cause your H to be upset if that's the potential result.  Only you can decide where your boundaries are, but that's one of mine - no physical violence.  Those are two really upsetting alternatives: living a life of fear, vs. taking a stand at the risk of physical confrontation.         

And "picking our battles" is definitely something all of us nons have to do, even when the result isn't physical violence.  Maybe the trash isn't worth it after all, but isn't it getting a little stinky? 

  Daylily

[Suzn]

daylily this is a tough one. Your h and your son sound dependent on you, of course your little one is supposed to be dependent till he's older. However, you are draining yourself. Part of taking care of you is working with your h to take on adult/parental responsibilities and this has to start with a conversation, you had an agreement. Standing your ground and letting him deal with his own un-comfortableness is necessary for him to practice his own coping skills.

This goes for your son too. I understand completely how difficult it is to not be there every time for the little guy, however, in allowing your son to become a little independent, to learn to cope without you on occasion, is healthy for him. And healthy for you.

S- I understand you feel uncomfortable with s getting a shot today at the doctor.

E- I feel the same way, it's never fun to watch him get a shot and cry.

T- We have discussed this and we have an agreement, I have to work. s looks to both of us for comfort.

What are your thoughts?