The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back (Vent)

[Tygeress]

For the first time, I’ve realized that I don’t want to go home for the holidays this year.

Over the past few years the process has evolved something like this:

"I’m looking forward to going home, but I’m a bit nervous about it"

"It is what it is, just try to make the best of it."

"I’m going to limit my time spent at home and I guess I can tolerate it for a few days"

"I'm going to limit my time spent at home even more"

And now, I just really don’t want to do it.

A recent encounter with my family (over the phone, no less) totally stressed me out and threw me off balance for a week.  Through very little contact, I was healing and moving forward, but that encounter deeply hurt and upset me all over again. I have no real desire to put myself through the awkwardness and stress of holidays with the family again this year. (Last year, my uBPDm had some very WEIRD behaviors, like blasting an opera throughout the house about a mother lamenting how much she loves her daughter, even though she's been abandoned.  My SO and I literally could not escape it she had it up so loud.)

I can’t stand this half-@$$ed attempt at being functional. I need to know whether they are willing to take steps toward building a healthy relationship or not. The scales have finally tipped where the BS has outweighed the benefits. All they do is cause me pain and stress.

In the past, money and the fact that I’m still covered under their health insurance has kept me from sending a “go to therapy or I’m going NC” letter. Now, I’ve realized I’d rather take out a loan.

I'm sorry this is a rather ranty, venty post - but I'm fed up!

Every time I interact with them there's this teeny tiny bit of hope that THIS time, I won't be marginalized, talked down to, invalidated etc. I can't help it. It may be a .0001% chance, but it's hard to get rid of, it's hardwired. Every time, I feel hurt.

At this point, I'd rather know for sure they honestly don't care enough to try and make things work. That will hurt, too, but at least it's not like getting REPEATEDLY stuck with a needle in the eye.

[skinny13]

Hi Tygeress,

I'm sorry that your uBPDm is having this effect on you. You mentioned your family in the post ("A recent encounter with my family". Who is your UBPDm living with/who else is giving you a hard time?

It sounds like you might be doing the right thing for yourself to not go home for the holidays this year. You seem to be getting some relief from a low-contact approach, and maybe that's the way you should keep things for the foreseeable future, with no visits.

It's so hard not to get sucked back in. And it's very hard not to feel obligated to do the family holiday ritual. A few years ago, I was supposed to go home for Christmas. I had just started dating my now-husband so it was too early to spend the holidays with him, and most of my friends were going out of town. I ended up spending Christmas with a friend out of state instead of going home -- I had just reached the end of my rope with uBPD/uNPD mom. I had decided, too, that even if my friend couldn't get together with me, if I had to spend Christmas alone, it would be more peaceful and rejuvenating than spending it with her and all her angry, negative drama.

You have some time to decide, of course, but I think given how emotionally exhausted she is making you, not going home might be the right decision. Maybe you and your SO could go visit a friend or a relative you like, or you could go on a trip somewhere fun. Or you could just stay home and relax!

Best of luck. 

[patroklos]

It's so hard, and you deserve to vent. I don't know the scope of what you're going through, but here's my take. I have a sister with BPD who has caused stress and havoc in my life and my family's life for decades. She pushed my father into an early grave and immediately manipulated my mother into letting her move in.

My sister has been toxic to me for so many years, and I played the role of the rescuer, both to shield my parents from the worst of her behavior, and to try to help my sister. I can honestly say that now, I am ready to disown my entire family, and make a clean break. As sad as this sounds, I wish I had done it sooner. But I didn't out of love for my other family members.

Well, now my Dad is dead, my Mom will be soon enough given the daily BS that my sister inflicts upon her, and all of this crap has had a severely negative impact on my life. I wonder, should I have walked away and disowned them years ago?

Life is short. BPD is a hideous, infectious disease that destroys everyone it touches. You owe it to yourself to life you life free of it all. It's a horrible thing to lose a family, but even more horrible to look back after decades and realize that you lost them long ago, and by trying to hold on lost the joy in your life too. Find new, healthy people in your life and embrace them!

Of course this is just my take, but it's something to think about. Good luck!

[WillSurvive420]

i know how it feels when theyre not willing to work it out... . my exgfwBPD said i hadnt done enough to change myself... .  I told her no ones perfect, but im working on myself, but it takes time to work on your character flaws. im only 25. not young but not old. still kinda finding my place to stand in life... .  so  i felt it was unreasonable of her to expect me to change my flaws in a matter of a few months... .  i think the reality is she sensed me becoming emotionally resentful... .  i think my break up is a textbook example of BPDs. she got mad at me for yelling at her for not telling me about a pee spot on the carpet my dogs made... .  it was such a large spot and it was right in front of the bedroom door. (i slept on the coach that night bc i didnt even wanna sleep next to her i was so mad at her... .  (even though we had sex that night) i feel the only thing that kept us connected the last 5 months was the addictive sex. maybe she started to feel used? she accused me of only staying with her bc of sex... .  (that wasnt how i felt at the time... .  i truly meant we were meant to be with one another... .  ( i still feel i was her best shot bc i know her so well... .  i dont think many men my age could put up with that( but i know they wont see that right away bc shes good at seeming cute and innocent... .  ) eventually shell realize her best chance of being happy was with me... .  maybe its my narcissim or protective instinct, but my mom felt the same way... .  she said her best chance of being happy and productive member of society was with me... .  i was a father figure to her since her dad is a deadbeat... .  its hard to just "forget" about my daughter if you will... .  i feel like im abandoning my child... .  my best friend... .  that i left her alone to fight in a cold cold war... .  i know I NEED TO FOCUS ON ME... .  but im a tough time with acceptance/denial... .  i keep reading these posts to get closer to acceptance and farther away from denial. 8 days sober from her... .  i initiated NC... .  cant stop thinking about what shes doing... .  who shes screwing?w

[WillSurvive420]

cold world... .  not war.

[patroklos]

WillSurvive420,

I feel for you. I can tell you now that you're not going to save your exBPDgf. You never were going to. And though you did nothing wrong, whatever you had done would have been labeled as being wrong.

Your mother may think that you're the magic person who can save this woman, but that's just because your mother doesn't understand BPD.

You've escaped. I urge you to leave it at that. Any attempt to analyze the insanity that went on in your relationship is just further insanity. Don't take anything this woman said to you to heart. Find a healthy, kind woman and move on with your life.

I am sure you had wild sex. That's part of what a BPD will give you at the beginning of a relationship. Don't confuse this for anything more than what it was: another manipulation tactic.

You are blessed that you can walk away from this relationship without having to disown your entire family. I envy you! Now, go be free!

[Tygeress]

Thank you skinny13, patroklos, WillSurvive 420, for your responses - I'm sorry so many of us have to go through so much crap, but I'm glad this board and community are here.   

Skinny13, to answer your question, my uBPDm lives with my enDad - they are what I was referring to as my family. My enDad was his usual enmeshed self and ended up pushing me aside in order to avoid conflict with my mother - again.

I think, unless some significant strides are made by uBPDm and enDad towards healthy functioning, (and I'm not kidding myself, it probably won't happen) I will not go home for the holidays.

Now... .  communicating this is going to be another adventure. 

[Tygeress]

... .  

But now that I'm thinking about it, it does honestly scare me a bit. One way or another, I'll know whether or not uBPDm and enDad are willing to do anything to improve things.

And if they aren't... .  well, that's that, isn't it?

As much pain and grief as they cause, they're still my parents, and that's a very primal attachment. And basically admitting that they really don't care enough to be bothered, well, that's a hard pill to swallow.

I guess I have to remember that it's not my fault, and that I'm doing this to reclaim my life from something that is very bad for me. If I feel I'm not ready now, when am I going to be ready? The next time either of them end up creating drama and stressing me out? The time after that?

I guess I'm just self-talking here to sort things out.

[WillSurvive420]

not the magic person to save her... .  just one of the few guys that could put up with her craziness... .  i know the "addict" side of me wants to still be with her... .  my logical side tells me RUN, Dont walk! look at jodi arias bf! she did you a favor by dumping you... .  blessing in disguise... .  more fish in the sea... . bla bla bla... .  a good man doesnt settle for damaged goods... .  now all of those cliches are true, but that doesnt change the fact that im at war with myself right now... .  its never mattered how my ex gf responds to my behavior... .  its always been my behavior... .  shed always say to me... .  you're in control of your behavior! i dont make you call me names... .  (but in reality she wanted me to call her names... .  so she could be the victim bc besides that I was  A DAMN GOOD BF to her. and that is a FACT, not a presumption... .  never cheated, supported and mentored her, tried to give her the things she never had before... .  (later she called that me trying to buy her love? man, that really devastated me when she said that... .  bc i lived to make her happy and she took it for granted. not many men are that selfless... .  she wont know that until she gets older but by then ill be the F8*K out of Dodge... .  moving back to CALI asap away from AZ.