Ok Mr. Dramatic

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Another email from ex.  Won't respond to him but I can here. 

Thank you for sending me on a journey. Not sure where I'll wind up but it will be fine. Regards, Ex

Thank you for another nonsensical note.  Glad I could help your journey by going through the darkest, most emotionally painful time in my entire life.  To have a spouse lay hands on me and leave me bruised is all worth it for your journey.  I'll continue to work on my PTSD, my anxiety, my inability to trust anyone, the way my hands shake whenever someone is aggressive towards me, my intense desire to isolate and avoid the world, but it will be fine.

After the night he grabbed my arms so tightly that it left them all black and blue, I googled around, squeezing arms black and blue, what is up with that?  I found that is what abusers start with and then work their way up to squeezing your neck and strangling you.  And I found this site.  I was in such a dark place.  That arm thing happened almost 2 and a half years ago.  It took that long to feel, hey, not cool, bucko.  I mean I felt it back then but I felt somehow responsible for his actions.  If I had been nicer, if I hadn't set him off.  No, his actions are his to own.  Not my responsibility.  I guess the final part in all this is accepting that he will never get it, he will never comprehend how badly he hurt me.  It's like a rapist texting you, hey, how's it going?  So clueless.  When love and hate get so intertwined, it takes some doing to unravel, like a knotted up necklace that you pick apart until it's knot free.

[Rose Tiger]

Another email from ex.  Won't respond to him but I can here. 

Thank you for sending me on a journey. Not sure where I'll wind up but it will be fine. Regards, Ex

Thank you for another nonsensical note.  Glad I could help your journey by going through the darkest, most emotionally painful time in my entire life.  To have a spouse lay hands on me and leave me bruised is all worth it for your journey.  I'll continue to work on my PTSD, my anxiety, my inability to trust anyone, the way my hands shake whenever someone is aggressive towards me, my intense desire to isolate and avoid the world, but it will be fine.

After the night he grabbed my arms so tightly that it left them all black and blue, I googled around, squeezing arms black and blue, what is up with that?  I found that is what abusers start with and then work their way up to squeezing your neck and strangling you.  And I found this site.  I was in such a dark place.  That arm thing happened almost 2 and a half years ago.  It took that long to feel, hey, not cool, bucko.  I mean I felt it back then but I felt somehow responsible for his actions.  If I had been nicer, if I hadn't set him off.  No, his actions are his to own.  Not my responsibility.  I guess the final part in all this is accepting that he will never get it, he will never comprehend how badly he hurt me.  It's like a rapist texting you, hey, how's it going?  So clueless.  When love and hate get so intertwined, it takes some doing to unravel, like a knotted up necklace that you pick apart until it's knot free.

[benny2]

I know its hard to believe that anyone can be so cold. That bothers me tremendously how he could do so many awful things and not even bat an eye. In fact, one time I was in the bathroom crying my eyes out because he had told me he wants me out when I had given up my home and everything to be with him and had no where to go. Later that day he said, I heard you crying. I was sitting on the couch here laughing, and then he mimicked me crying. How could  someone be so cruel and tell me something like that.

[Rose Tiger]

Benny2   That is so wrong.  I can't stand that funny video show where they show people getting hurt and the audience laughs.  I don't enjoy people getting hurt and can't comprehend the mind that finds it funny.  It's so foreign and mind boggling.  I'm so sorry he laughed at your pain.  It's bad enough being in pain and then when it's mocked, it's beyond horrible.

[Changed4safety]

RT,    Mine started with the strangling.    I let him do it 3 times.  I am looking forward to being in the place where you are, where there are no warm feelings, no secret hope that he will "learn and grow."  I still am not quite ready to face the fact that I can never be comfortable nor trust someone who has done this to me.   Love the analogy of picking the necklace apart. 

[LetItBe]

RT, it really is a testament to your healing that you can see his behavior so clearly now, take a step back, and not respond to him.

I did not endure the awful physical abuse with my uBPDxbf you describe , however, I have received similar notes from mine after he's hurt me emotionally.  He's repeatedly thanked me for my contributions to his growth.  Here's (part of) the latest:

In our time together I have grown in ways that I could not have otherwise.  Our relationship offered the exact challenge, the exact forum I needed to transcend many of the demons that had haunted me for years.

I assign no blame and bear no ill will.  

Exact "forum?"  Like we were actors in a play?  I'm done being a tool for his growth.

And... .  he did assign blame to me in other parts of his email and disavowed himself of any responsibility for our r/s ending, of course.  

RT and C4S, I am so glad you two escaped!  It is indeed impossible to trust someone who has abused you like that.  So glad you both found the strength to walk away!  I wish you continued strength and healing.  

[Rose Tiger]

RT,    Mine started with the strangling.    I let him do it 3 times.  I am looking forward to being in the place where you are, where there are no warm feelings, no secret hope that he will "learn and grow."  I still am not quite ready to face the fact that I can never be comfortable nor trust someone who has done this to me.   Love the analogy of picking the necklace apart.  

C4S, I am so glad that you made it through and survived.  Some women don't!  The outside world says, why on earth were you with that person and it's so hard to explain, that we loved them, we didn't want to give up on them, that incredible driving force of not wanting to give up.  I tell friends now, like on facebook, when they are discussing an abused person, I tell them to not get on them to leave the abuser.  I tell them, the person needs a safe place to talk, to learn about boundaries and tell them about this site.  No one could of convinced me to give up any sooner than when I was ready.  We just aren't the quick to throw in the towel types.  Not yet anyway.  

[Rose Tiger]

RT, it really is a testament to your healing that you can see his behavior so clearly now, take a step back, and not respond to him.

I did not endure the awful physical abuse with my uBPDxbf you describe , however, I have received similar notes from mine after he's hurt me emotionally.  He's repeatedly thanked me for my contributions to his growth.  Here's (part of) the latest:

In our time together I have grown in ways that I could not have otherwise.  Our relationship offered the exact challenge, the exact forum I needed to transcend many of the demons that had haunted me for years.

I assign no blame and bear no ill will.  

Exact "forum?"  Like we were actors in a play?  I'm done being a tool for his growth.

And... .  he did assign blame to me in other parts of his email and disavowed himself of any responsibility for our r/s ending, of course.  

RT and C4S, I am so glad you two escaped!  It is indeed impossible to trust someone who has abused you like that.  So glad you both found the strength to walk away!  I wish you continued strength and healing.  

Survivors!  Yes we ALL are.  

I am no saint.  I have hurt people in my lifetime.  Part of 12 step was making amends to people you have hurt.

This was so hard.  My older daughter in her twenties.  In my kitchen, I took her hands, took a deep breath.  Told her that I hadn't been a good mom to her, told her we have serious dysfunction in our family, my mom hurt me and I passed it on by being hurtful to her.  Looked her in the eye and said, Daughter, I am so sorry that I hurt you and if there is anything in the past that you'd like to talk about, I'll listen.  Her eyes welled up and she said, sometimes I yell at (her daughter).  We hug and I tell her, this has got to end, this generational stuff has got to stop.  Tears and hugs.

I didn't for one minute consider saying, you've helped me in my journey.    :)aughter and I have slowly grown closer.  She is opening up slowly.  I pass on books that were helpful to me.  I really want this dysfunction out of our family.  Stop.  End.

[Changed4safety]

RT you are an inspiration!  Yes, abuse CAN stop.   

[patientandclear]

RoseTiger & NonGF:

You have put your finger on something that bothers me SO MUCH: the rationalization of all this destruction because hey, we take something from all our scars, it's the episodes in our life that make our story, blah blah blah.  My ex is incredibly fond of this lens.  Understandably, because it makes it OK what they did, right?  Oh, I guess this is how it is supposed to be.

No, this is NOT how it is supposed to me.  My pain and devastation and maybe permanent scarring was NOT supposed to be the price of your growth (and there's no evidence you've grown anyway, except becoming more cavalier about causing destruction).

RT, what you wrote about a rapist texting "hey, how's it going?" is exactly the analogy.  I remember the shift from "good morning my love" to "Hey P&C" in his emails, which happened almost overnight.  I HATED, resented fervently, the "hey" in that greeting.  I still do.  Like I hate the hugs he liked to give me when we got together afterwards.  As if that other stuff never happened, it didn't count, it's fine to float here just about a half an inch deep ... .  when we had gone so deeply into one another's truths and pain and hopes and tenderest places.

When you posted about your ex's earlier email, where he said "sorry for the 180," it reminded me of my ex's big apology after he got cold feet after asking me to consider getting back together after blowing my life apart the first time.  He said "I'm sorry P&C.  So f'ing sorry."

And that ... .  was it.

It's just so unbelievably lame.  It's almost better when they're not talking about the loss and damage, because when they do, and this is all they can come up with ... .    , like you say.

[myself]

"If you don't have something nice to say, better to say nothing at all?" Or: "If you only have something fake to say, please don't say it, it may well only cause more pain." What kind of 'journey' is that? It's one where the coin has the same face on both sides, and no one comes out a winner. Only way is to not play the game. Escape the black hole.

[maria1]

Rose Tiger-  

I am truly moved to read your words. Keep moving onwards and upwards. Everything you say is so true and real.

You have come out of the darkness and illusion of Wonderland and into the real world. You don't need your sunglasses on any more. You can cope with his pathetic attempts at contact, you can cope with anything

You rock RT  

[LetItBe]

I am no saint.  I have hurt people in my lifetime.  Part of 12 step was making amends to people you have hurt.

This was so hard.  My older daughter in her twenties.  In my kitchen, I took her hands, took a deep breath.  Told her that I hadn't been a good mom to her, told her we have serious dysfunction in our family, my mom hurt me and I passed it on by being hurtful to her.  Looked her in the eye and said, Daughter, I am so sorry that I hurt you and if there is anything in the past that you'd like to talk about, I'll listen.  Her eyes welled up and she said, sometimes I yell at (her daughter).  We hug and I tell her, this has got to end, this generational stuff has got to stop.  Tears and hugs.

I didn't for one minute consider saying, you've helped me in my journey.    :)aughter and I have slowly grown closer.  She is opening up slowly.  I pass on books that were helpful to me.  I really want this dysfunction out of our family.  Stop.  End.

Wow, RT, I have such an enormous amount of respect for you and the way you offered such a heartfelt apology and amends to your daughter.  We all have made mistakes and hurt people, but not everyone takes ownership in the very big way that you did.    A real apology can go a long, long way toward mending a r/s.  I'm hoping for continued, full healing for you and your daughter's r/s, too.

Here's another example from my ex of a note similar to your ex's:

I have no regrets, though.  I’ve needed every experience I’ve had to learn what I’ve learned.  That includes all of the last year and a half. And I am eternally thankful for your participation and contributions in my life.  I don't think I could have found what I received from you anywhere else.

It's clear that it's all about him.  How many times can one person say "I?"  My therapist who did one session with him and me said she'd never in her long career hear someone say "I" so many times in an hour!

You make a good point -- you wouldn't consider responding to someone's pain, "You've helped me in my journey."

It's a good thing we're able to see this dynamic so clearly now and that we recognize we are worthy of so much better.

[Changed4safety]

I do believe thinking "You've helped me on my journey" is a fine response to one's -own- pain.  I've learned some very painful but ultimately great lessons about myself, and for me, it's easier to see it in that light than "OMG, I was soo stupid, he was soo evil etc. etc."   But I wouldn't say that to someone I had wounded or wronged, absolutely!

[tailspin]

Rose,

The words of an abuser don't carry any weight or meaning.  What may resonate and sound profound to him now fall upon deaf ears. 

Don't allow or give him the power to have the upper hand because his hands may have bruised you... .  but he did not win.  He tried to break you but he has failed... .  and in the process he has only shown how deeply and utterly he has failed as a man.

Always remember what is important.  You are important.  Your daughter is important.  And no man who hides behind the mask of abuse, while suggesting what he has done to you has somehow led him on a journey, deserves any significance or importance in your life. 

Please consider sending his emails to your junk folder because that is excaxtly what they are.  Hold your head up high my friend because what you have accomplished is nothing short of amazing.  He is a chapter of your life that has ended.  Now it's time to turn the page and begin anew.

tailspin

[clairedair]

RoseTiger

thank you for your post - another reminder that others have had similar experiences.  I haven't had to experience physical abuse as you have so I can't say I understand how that feels, however, I am struggling with feeling that he has been able to find some kind of peace and happiness at my expense.  As if the multiple reconciliations and breakups, the silences, anger and push-pull were what was needed for him to recognise childhood issues then move on.  After our last break-up (though I didn't realise we had broken up at the time), I got an e-mail that, on the surface, seemed contrite and conciliatory but was actually very distressing and destructive.

I am aware that the rollercoaster of last seven years has taught me some valuable life lessons but I'm not quite at the stage of appreciating this.

I remember the shift from "good morning my love" to "Hey P&C" in his emails, which happened almost overnight.  I HATED, resented fervently, the "hey" in that greeting.  I still do. 

This was something I also hated. Let's say my real name is 'Anna'.  ExH affectionately called me 'Annie'.  When I look back at e-mails, I can instantly tell when we've been reconciled or split because he calls me Anna when he leaves and Annie when I'm flavour of the month again.  It used to break my heart when he started to call me Anna because I knew he was about to leave again... .  

Rose,

Always remember what is important.  You are important.  Your daughter is important.  And no man who hides behind the mask of abuse, while suggesting what he has done to you has somehow led him on a journey, deserves any significance or importance in your life. 

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks all for the warm words.  As the journey continues, ex called to say thanks and if there is anything he can do to help me around the house to let him know.  I said, thanks and that I was praying for him.  True true.

So weird to be white again.  Almost want to do something witchy to flip the switch.  I won't.  Dang, that is a powerful draw, help around here.  These folks are good at this.

Not taking the bait, this house can fall apart to it's foundations.  Ha.

[maria1]

Oh yeah- the help thing. My ex kept on offering help, even saying 'just tell me how I can help'. I remembered him offering to 'help' me clear my garage out. On a Sunday morning after driving back from London at 4am when I had only gone to London because I couldn't say no. I remember him offering to 'help' me paint my kitchen and just not turning up whilst I sat at the top of the ladders painting and painting. He was with his new woman.

I remember real help he gave me too; he just could never sustain it, never will. He liked to help to feel good about himself I think.

It's a shame you have to pick up when he calls, you could probably do without hearing his voice or having to engage with him?

[Blessed0329]

It never ceases to amaze me how it seems to be all about them (our exes), and how we seem to be seen as bit players in the dramas in which they have starring roles.

[Rose Tiger]

That was the first phone call in months.  I dunno, I thought it was someone else calling.    Didn't even recognize his voice at first. 

I'm meeting a friend this afternoon.  So I'm nervous about that.  I'm working on my stay focused and calm no matter what gets thrown my way.  Let it be.  I'm not fixing jack.  That is new attitude for me. 

[maria1]

Good for you- hope you have a nice time this afternoon. I like your attitude 

[Validation78]

Hi Rose!

I too am very moved by your story. You have every reason to be incensed by the shear nerve of him to have expressed such things to you about his journey. To heck with his journey, let's focus on yours, and be glad that despite the battle scars, that you are alive and well. Well enough to tell the story, to face your demons, to look for the good life has to offer and to grasp it before it's too late. You have journeyed through the trenches, and have come out swinging and for that, you should be proud. Your daughter is fortunate to have a mom who can own up to her shortcomings, and is willing to make amends. May you have much success in your continuing growth and healing. May you continue to share your story with us and others so we may be reminded that we are never alone.

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[fromheeltoheal]

Lotta women on this thread, hope I'm not intruding.  I was a foot taller than my BPDgf and outweighed her by 100 pounds, I've never hurt her physically and never will.  Although she did punch the crap out of me a time or two, left healthy bruises on my arms and chest, and she missed once and hit me square in the face.  The reasoning?  She was frustrated and she didn't know why.  And somehow she considered that acceptable behavior, and I was so enmeshed at the time that I put up with it, along with the justification and lack of apology.

I left her 8 months ago, and got an email recently, where she actually apologized for her behavior, and mentioned it was because she loves me as a friend, but wasn't into me physically or romantically, and had she been 'self-aware' sooner she could have done something about it, instead of put us both through a lot of pain.  Yeah, OK.

But back here on planet earth I'm proud to report that she phases me zero these days, although it took a lot of work and some time.  And I consider myself educated to the point that another gal with these intriguing 'features' will never get anywhere near close, and the bar has been raised.

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks Val.     It is time to focus on us and our journeys.  I suppose this recent activity of ex is a bit validating though, a lot of us go through, are they really disordered?  Or is it me?  And then when the behavior falls into this pattern, it's validation of nope it wasn't all me.  My ex prior to the ex, he was classic NPD and our counselor told me there is nothing in there to work with, he was so devoid of 'self' that there were no options for him (not that he wanted any).  The validation of BPD behavior in my current ex, I do see snippets of self that he could build on (if he so chooses).  Hope he does choose the road less travelled but it's not something I can make him do.  Returning to travelling my own road.   

[Rose Tiger]

Lotta women on this thread, hope I'm not intruding.  I was a foot taller than my BPDgf and outweighed her by 100 pounds, I've never hurt her physically and never will.  Although she did punch the crap out of me a time or two, left healthy bruises on my arms and chest, and she missed once and hit me square in the face.  The reasoning?  She was frustrated and she didn't know why.  And somehow she considered that acceptable behavior, and I was so enmeshed at the time that I put up with it, along with the justification and lack of apology.

I left her 8 months ago, and got an email recently, where she actually apologized for her behavior, and mentioned it was because she loves me as a friend, but wasn't into me physically or romantically, and had she been 'self-aware' sooner she could have done something about it, instead of put us both through a lot of pain.  Yeah, OK.

But back here on planet earth I'm proud to report that she phases me zero these days, although it took a lot of work and some time.  And I consider myself educated to the point that another gal with these intriguing 'features' will never get anywhere near close, and the bar has been raised.

Ugh.  Nice of her to let you know.     Yes.  First thing on the list of possible partners.  No dang bruises!