BPD Dad won't let 9 yr old son go to Birthday Parties He has missed dozens

[lisastpaul]

Hi All -

I had last posted here many many years ago... .  Always grateful for the light shed on baffling BPD topics. Because of the collected wisdom here, I often feel confident that I have an "answer"    for why the BPD Dad of my very sweet and fun now-9-yr-old does the confusing things that he does... .  

But now, I need your help:

Riddle me this - - My son goes to his Dad's house 10 days out of the month, which means long weekends. My son has now missed, perhaps 2 dozen b-day parties over the years. I'll be frank, our son has very likely lost a bit of his popularity at school, too. Sometimes due to missing parties - often the boys have figured that he won't be able to go anyway, and thus, they don't invite him, but also, his temper has flared up at school a bit, and he is not at soccer with all his friends at recess as he used to do (Dad rejects soccer).

How do I explain to to those who know BPD - and those who do not - what is the BPD's motivations/drivers/fears - why does he not send him to birthday parties?

[momtara]

I don't know if you want to go as far as mention BPD.  People may think your son's even weirder.  You could just say he has some... .  problems.  I dunno.  Maybe your son could ask him if he can go to the parties, so it comes from him and not you?

[mamachelle]

Hi lisastpsul,

Welcome back! I started here years ago leaving my exBPDH in 2005 too-- since remarried to a Non-- both with BPD exes-- and came back here most recently due to a birthday party issue with my SS10 and BPD bio Mom. 

I know my DH a Non-- doesn't like birthday parties and going to them with kids.   Maybe your ex feels the same way?

Have you asked him what the deal is?

Have you offered to take your S ?

Its hard to say what's going on without knowing a little more.

Mamachelle

[lisastpaul]

Thanks... .  He won't give an "answer," but he always gives an excuse! Today's missed birthday party was because they had "family stuff." But all they really did was stay home, yet again.

I offer, regularly, to pick up, drop off, and buy the presents. Nope. Never accepted.

BPD Dad refuses to swap weekends, even singular days. He will do all that he can to sabotage our wonderful son's social life. Is that giving you any clues... .  ?

[mamachelle]

Hey lisastpaul,

I think if you've ruled out all the obvious things like money, time, distance, religious objection, long standing feuds with other parents, car breakdowns... .  then you might have more clear lines into what is going on.

I have 3 step and 3 bio kids. My H is residential parent for his S and they have always lived with us majority time. My 3SS 8, 10, 15 are all different tempraments and social abilities. My SS8 is pretty popular and gets invited to a fair amount of bday parties. His older bros are both socially awkward and both are on the edge of the autism spectrum and so they rarely get invited to do things.

When BPD bio Mom lived in the area (she now lives 1000 miles away)  SS8 missed a number of parties because his Mom lived about 40 minutes away and was unable to get him to the parties due to her low functioning, lack of caring, lack of funds, feeling awkward about parties... . etc etc. We never pushed it because to have her drive up here for a 2 hour party in the middle of her visitation would be such a hassle for all of us. Just getting her to take the kids at all was a struggle most weekends.

My BPDexH also lived too far away to come back for bday parties and also did not like my DD doing activities that in any way cut into his time.

I would speculate your exBPDH is concerned mostly about himself.

Either he does not like parties or does not care.

It could also be that your S8 is not pushing it and so BPD Dad does not feel any pressure from him.

When my kids have had to miss bday parties and when other kids have had to miss mine-- sometimes we get a little mid week get together going and I pick up a gift and the bday kid and we have a play date and dinner and celebrate that way. It lets the mom know you and your S do care.

In the future, I guess you could pick your battles with exH. Talk to your S about each party and try to figure out which ones are the ones he actually cares about.

Then try using the S.E.T. tools to communicate with your ex on your S behalf.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Something like, "Hey exH, I know parties are a pain to drive to... .  but you know, these days you can just drop off and pick up, you don't have to talk to the other parents. S8 is missing out on Laser Tag, Swim, Karate parties and I'd really like to make this work for him. How can we do this for s8?"

If that doesn't work, then there is always mediation or legal action but i don't know how much of this is worth fighting for.

Talking through some of this with your S8 will help. Try to see where he is at with soccer and these other kids. He may be outgrowing the kids or have other interests or Dad could be being more controlling that you know or S8 may just be more into minecraft and basketball than soccer and want to hang with other kids... .  

As for what to tell the other moms, just say Dad keeps him so busy on the weekends he has S8. I really have no control over his time with Dad but I'd love to have a playdate with your S.

hope this helps. Again, welcome back... .  I hope to see you around here more!

[hithere]

I don't think there is much you can do, as the child gets older they can speak-up for themselves.  Even in regular, non-BPD divorces each parent is responsible for their relationship with their children... .  eventually your son will recognize this as bad/selfish behaviour.

[momtara]

can this be dealt with in mediation or something?  I guess going to court would be extreme. 

this is a shame.  maybe something i should put in my divorce agreement - father shall bring children to b-day parties if they're on his day... .  

[hithere]

maybe something i should put in my divorce agreement

We (non-ex wife) have something about who pays for the present but I am not sure you can force a parent to do something like this in a divorce agreement.  The only things I have heard of as being enforced is attending extra-curriculars or religious school.

[DreamGirl]

Is there anyway to have a sleepover on your weekend for all his buddies?

Pizza, video games, movies, and a fort in the living room?

Might "make up" for the lost social interaction with his school mates while on Dad's time.

I've seen families where the other parent lives 2 1/2 hours away and a birthday party would kinda be out of the question as far as drive times. Sometimes parents who see their kiddos 10 days a month want to spend every single moment with the kiddo even if that means doing it on the couch watching movies.

It's important to let the other house spend their time however they see fit - otherwise it can turn into a power struggle which is no fun when the other house is telling you how to parent or spend time with your child.

I think you can find a happy medium here without expecting too much out of the ex.

~DreamGirl