Thinking of giving it one more shot now that I have info on her condition...

[WillSurvive420]

i really do love her... .  BPD or not... .  idk y, but she makes me feel whole... .  she has painted me black, but i have a gut feeling its up to me to reengage her... .  i doubt she will call or text me anytime soon, bc last time we talked on phone it was a fight and she was drunk and high... .  so i know her last perception of me is NOT GOOD. but i sent her a congratulations card for her graduation at the end of the month... .  this is what i wrote

Dear S,

I feel you survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all its worth. And as you grew up, you sought LOVE, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher, security guard, a friend, or a lover. You sought these tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that somehow you made it because you were though enough to overcome the hard knocks of life brinogs. But really, i feel you amde it because love is so powerful that even tiny lil doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of teh worst things life can dish out. But in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefullness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That's what I thinks gotten you buy, and what made us one in the same. You'll always be my "high-school sweetheart." Don't ever stop beleving in yourself... .  with love, pride, and joy- me



any thoughts on how she might react to card? If its been NC for 10 days or so by the time she gets the card... .  i know i shouldnt have ANY EXPECTATIONS of how shell react... .  shes unpredictable... .  but when i do reengage bc ima give it one more subconscious try, but seem distant... .  Ima tell her that id like to just hang out again... .  no expectations, but est. a few boundaries... .  if i can learn to deal with her volatility, then maybe well have a chance... .  if not, im in the same exact position now... .  maybe im  just prolonging my healing process by doing so... .  but im not a person that gives up very easily... .  i refuse to believe any disease is UNCURABLE... .  we just dont know how YET. but theres promising research going into transcranial stimulation therapy for mental diseases such as depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, alzheimers, and BPD... .  some regions of the brain are over or underactive in certain regions of brain that control impulse control, decision making, executive tasks, etc. so anything is possible since were both young... .  

[jrx]

There are literally hundreds of people on this board more qualified than I am to say something about this. So all I'm going to share is that (1) getting into, or resuming, a relationship based on hope that someone will change (or be cured) is a recipe for disaster, and (2) not giving up very easily might be an indication of the hero complex that's the other side of a BPDs coin. Whatever you decide, I hope you get sound advice and read the articles in the right hand column.

[WillSurvive420]

i guess you cant outsmart crazy, or fix stupid... .  

[Scott72]

I am in exactly the same position. I love my ex too. She doesn't realise the extent of her problem.however my attempts like yours, writing letters, txts, flowers are to no avail. She still loves me in her own way but says she cant be with anyone- even her family. She says more I try the more I push her away. So regrettably I'm trying nc at all. Everyone seems to think that's the best way and if she ever wants to come back that's the only way. It goes against my grain, like you I'm a fighter, I don't give up, but sadly a change of tactics is needed. I may see her again, I hope, or I find the way to move on, but I love her so much, it's a horrible catch 22 . I hope your situation works out better

[hanginon]

WillSurvive420,

I wish you the best of luck with however your relationship goes. I came into my relationship thinking that when we got her to a psyc and got her on meds, things would change and she would be "normal" and we would live happily ever after.  I was only fooling myself. Now I am wondering what on earth I was thinking. I was blinded by our mutual attraction. It was heaven for a while. Recycling has become a way of life and I know its not healthy for me, I think it is just a part of her condition and it may sound odd but I guess its her normal.  If I had it to do again, I would listen to the family and friends that told me to run, not walk away from the relationship. I felt I knew better... .  I now feel... .  not so smart.

I am not qualified to give advice I suppose but I would be inclined to suggest you read up on this condition more and ask yourself if you want to put yourself through this.  Make an analysis and determine if the pleasure will be worth the pain.  For your own sake, be honest with yourself.

Good Luck,

Hanginon

[babyducks]

Will,

Once I figured out what my partners mental health issues really were I made a heartfelt and sincere attempt at staying in the relationship and changing my behaviors so we could be together.   

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I seriously underestimated how much I would have to change and what a daily, some times hourly level of effort it would require. 

I was never successful dealing with the frustration.   Intellectually I could understand the concept of walking way when the emotions started to escalate, but emotionally I just couldn't do it.   For me, my reactions would eventually surpass hers.   And that was very bad for both of us.   In my experience this illness (BPD) is deadly serious and its consequences can be very extreme.   

I do regret that I didn't spend more time considering what the risks would be if I pursued this relationship.  That's under number 5 Take Inventory in the right hand side bar.  The risks for both of us.   I rather blithely thought I could handle the BPD symptoms and the results were not good. 

Best of Luck and keep posting.

[LetItBe]

Will,

Once I figured out what my partners mental health issues really were I made a heartfelt and sincere attempt at staying in the relationship and changing my behaviors so we could be together.  

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I seriously underestimated how much I would have to change and what a daily, some times hourly level of effort it would require.  

I was never successful dealing with the frustration.   Intellectually I could understand the concept of walking way when the emotions started to escalate, but emotionally I just couldn't do it.   For me, my reactions would eventually surpass hers.   And that was very bad for both of us.   In my experience this illness (BPD) is deadly serious and its consequences can be very extreme.  

I do regret that I didn't spend more time considering what the risks would be if I pursued this relationship.  That's under number 5 Take Inventory in the right hand side bar.  The risks for both of us.   I rather blithely thought I could handle the BPD symptoms and the results were not good.  

Best of Luck and keep posting.

I second everything you said, babyducks.

I worked to improve my end of things to be the best partner I could be to my uBPDxbf.  I learned how to use the Tools here, I practiced mindfulness meditation, and I thought I'd learned how not to take his behaviors personally.  I could detach!    HAHAHAHA!  Little did I know that I could not "win" against BPD.

Sad thing is, he's one of the few that's been in therapy for 10 years & has greater self-awareness than many pwBPD.  He started out our recycle with sincere efforts just like I did.  He'd learned some tools, too.  As soon as we'd get close to real intimacy, though, it was snatched away, I was painted black, distanced, blamed, etc., the same old pattern.  He couldn't "win," either.  

I'm like you in that I believe we are capable of far more healing than most people realize.  I was optimistic that with our love, our similarities, both of us in therapy and both of us putting in real, heartfelt effort, that we would be different.  We could overcome anything, I believed.  Have you read about the beliefs that can keep us stuck?  One of them is believing that love can prevail.  Yes, I believed this wholeheartedly.

Their survival mechanisms are so deeply entrenched, though.  It is part of their way of being.  It is part of their very personalities.  This stuff takes YEARS of committed, focused therapy to overcome.  It's A LOT of HARD work, and there are no guarantees.

It sounds like you want to give this another shot.  I think that I needed to give mine another shot, too.  At a minimum, it did validate my hunch that his behaviors are saturated with BPD-ness, and I did learn that the cycles wouldn't change.  I guess I needed that closure.

Best of luck to you!

[hithere]

I would stop trying and move on... .  get healed and find someone that does not have BPD your chances for a successful relationship will go up (from zero there is lots of upside).

[jrx]

BTW, I think most people here have been through what you're processing now. There's a seduction to rescuing the damsel in distress, and a romantically hope that everything will be better with time. It's not stupid by any means.

It's just that there are things that just don't get better, in the time that you need it to. If you want to be with your BPD, a very likely scenario is that what it's like today will be the "rest of your life." I agree with the others here, and if you need to give it another shot, you'll be able to do so with your eyes open. I wish you the best. Many many people feel and have felt how you do. I know I did.

[WillSurvive420]

at this point, the only reason i feel shell reengage with me is that she starts to sleep with another guy and he doesnt satisfy her the way i did. OR shell get bored and frustrated with life/when things dont go her way shell come calling(id say im about 90% confident about this) It would absolutely CRUSH me knowing she was with another guy at all. Wouldn't want to talk to her again after that... .  if things were going bad for her and she reengaged then idk, maybe? ONLY GOD KNOWS

on the upside ive been talking to normal girls lately... .  so progress, but i feel like i wont ever find that "HIGH" i got with my ex... .  just need time to get out of the FOG i guess... .  still miss her like crazy even though shes caused misery in my life... .  LIFE IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

[hanginon]

WillSurvive420,

I am deep in the FOG myself and yes like is stranger than fiction.

Good Luck,

Hanginon