BPD Mother?

[DogLady]

Hi,

I have spent the last few years trying to figure out what is wrong with my family of origin.  The list of symptoms of BPD seems to fit my mother.  The confusing part is everything seems to say that BPD improves over time.  This is not the case with my mother.  She will soon be 70 and I can honestly say that she has always been very difficult.  Of the following, I would say she has 6 traits.  The ones I am not sure about are emotional lability, self-harm, disinhibition, and schizotypy.

1. Negative Emotionality: Emotional Lability

2. Negative Emotionality: Self-harm

3. Negative Emotionality: Separation insecurity

4. Negative Emotionality: Anxiousness

5. Negative Emotionality: Low self-esteem

6. Negative Emotionality: Depressivity

7. Antagonism: Hostility

8. Antagonism: Aggression

9. Disinhibition: Impulsivity

10. Schizotypy: Dissociation Proneness

I know on some lists it says the person has to have two impulsive behaviors.  She is a spendaholic.   She doesn’t seem to have more than one.  But I wonder if that is because she is in a controlling religion.  (Some consider it a cult.)  I’ve always been torn between the religion being the problem or mental illness.  It seems that mental illness is more likely because of her background before she was involved in the religion.

She definitely has black and white thinking, but her religion encourages this.  I have wondered if someone already has a problem if they seek out a religion that validates their tendencies.  I would appreciate your thoughts.  I respect the fact that you only want members here that actually are dealing with BPD, but I really don’t know what I am dealing with.  She would never get help and I am just so tired of it all.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi DogLady,

A warm welcome to you.  I'm glad you reached out.  You've come to the right place for support, even if your mom is only on the BPD spectrum, which is very common with the people we need help with on this site.  You are definitely not alone, and things can get better for you.

What kind of relationship do you currently have with your mom?  :)o you see each other often?

Here is a link that might help you understand the dynamics that can happen with a BPD parent: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children  And here some general information about BPD: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Please keep writing.  We are here to support your healing journey.

heartandwhole

[GeekyGirl]

Hi DogLady and welcome! 

It can be very difficult living with someone with emotional instability and a tendancy to self-harm. I can understand how you're not sure what's driving your mother's behavior, but whether it's her religion or BPD, the behavior is troublesome.

heartandwhole has some good questions, and I'm curious to know too; how much interaction do you have with your mother? How has she changed since she joined this religion, and what was she like before?

BPD can improve over time, but it doesn't necessarily. Sometimes people with BPD do show fewer BPD traits (and less severe) ones as they get older. You're doing the right thing for yourself, though, in reaching out to others. How are you doing as you cope with your mother's behavior?

Hang in there. You're not alone. 

-GG

[DogLady]

I can't remember how she was before joining the religion.  I'm in my late 40's and she joined sometime before I was five.  What I know about her before than is from other people. 

My relationship with my mother is strained.  I limit my time around her.  She has a very negative effect on me.  I come from a large family and some of us are acceptable and some are not.  There are seven of us.  In my childhood we had the following roles:

In birth order #1 My older sister was my mom's best friend.  She is my half sister.

                  #2 My older brother was special because he was a boy.

                  #3 Me I mostly felt invisible and unacceptable.

                  #4 Younger sister is the perfect child.  She is very close to my mother. 

                  #5 Younger brother is special because my mother viewed him as sensitive like her.

                  #6 Younger sister is bad.  My mother never wanted her.  I was fourteen when                     she was born so I feel very accurate in making that statement.

                  #7 Youngest sister occupies a friend role at this point.

My mother has never been able to tolerate any opinion different from hers.  She loves babies but when the child starts having its own opinion, she becomes emotionally abusive.  She is currently raising my niece and it is very hard to watch this play out again.

My family has had huge problems in it for a number of years.  When I was sixteen I rejected my mother's religion and she emotionally disowned me.  Our relationship has improved since then but I have to keep everything on her terms.  I live ten minutes from my parents and neither of them really know my children.  I have two kids and the youngest is 18.  My parents have not been interested in being in their life. 

I have been in therapy for a few years but I am just now starting to trust the therapist enough to tell some of the things that went on.

As far as how I cope.  I have had depression.  I am currently taking medication and doing therapy. 

I feel like something has to be wrong with her.  Both my brothers are drug addicts.  The sister that my mother has always viewed as bad is a recovering addict.  The perfect child sister won't take her kids to a different church because she is afraid my mother will get mad.  So she just doesn't go to church because she doesn't agree with my mother's religion.  My mother asked my youngest sister #7 to be my niece's guardian if she died when my sister was 18.  My youngest sister #7 is a member of my mother's church and my mother wants my niece raised in the religion.  I feel that was too much to put on my sister.  My sister #7 is currently homeschooling my niece. 

I know it is all very messy and to add to it all my father has narcissistic traits. 

It would be nice to know why she is so hard to deal with but she would never agree to therapy.   

[isshebpd]

Hi Welcome 

"I know on some lists it says the person has to have two impulsive behaviors."

I have given this trait a lot of thought too. Who do I know who doesn't show have at least one impulsive behavior? Nobody.

Look in any suburban garage for signs of impulsivity. Our whole economy is based on people irrationally spending what they can't afford.

A huge part of the population has addictions/habits at one time or another.

So I'm not sure whether to give my own uBPDmom this trait based on her reckless youth. She really did leave that behind when she had to raise children (one of the few things she did right).

So I'm guessing what counts as impulsive behavior is obviously out-of-control like drinking and driving, doing hard drugs, extreme hoarding, constant cheating etc.

[DogLady]

issheBPD

I think my mother's spending would be considered reckless.  We have a drill whenever she decides to take off to visit her sisters.  Call the power company and water company.  She seemed to have a pattern of taking off to her home state when the bills became overwhelming.  My dad would have to come up with the money to keep the lights on.  There have been many times he has had to pay off her credit cards.  My father is a workaholic and she is a spendaholic.  My mother is going on vacation in June.  My father's life insurance just got cancel due to non payment.  They are raising a grandchild.  The cost of the cottage would cover the life insurance.

She can't see the problem. 

I think her religion keeps her from other reckless behavior.  She does have hoarder tendencies.  It would be nice to have a definite answer.     

[DogLady]

I guess some other clues about my mother would be her experience as a child.  Her mother died from cancer when my mother was around three.  I remember my aunts saying they had to keep her quiet while their mother was sick.  My grandfather remarried soon after my grandmother died.  My mother's stepmother never loved her and didn't really want her.  My aunt verified that my mother could never please the woman.  The situation was bad enough that my aunt tried to take my mother but no one would believe her.

My mother ended up getting pregnant as a teenager and having to get married.  The man turned out to be abusive. 

I know that childhood abuse can contribute to BPD. 

[GeekyGirl]

I know that childhood abuse can contribute to BPD. 

Absolutely! My aunt shed some light on my mother's upbringing, and I can now see how traumatic her childhood must have been. Doesn't excuse my mother's behavior towards me, but I do feel empathy for her.

Does knowing about your mother's upbringing change how you look at her?

[DogLady]

For me knowing all the pain in her past has always allowed her to manipulate me with guilt.  I do feel empathy but I am working on boundaries.  Also, it is very painful to see how many of my siblings have had real problems.  I feel that I am in the accepting stage of what really went on in our childhood and teen years.