I'm not good at this.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, I was about 41 hours into NC just now when I messaged him and told him I miss him. 

[mary_sunshine]

Well, I was about 41 hours into NC just now when I messaged him and told him I miss him. 

[afterdeath]

Well, I was about 41 hours into NC just now when I messaged him and told him I miss him. 

What exactly do you miss about him?

[self destruct]

Most probably nobody really is good at NC! I have had NC for over two years, and still sometimes get the urge just to contact my BPD/NPD ex  to find out how she is, because I am still concerned about her well being. I believe these emotions makes me human.

The only way in which I can refrain from doing this and maintaining NC is to take a step back, and let my logical thought processes take command of my emotions and emotional thought processes, hurt etc. If I know for sure (logical brain thinking) that this roller coaster ride is not good for me, why would I even risk getting back on it? What positive is there in taking this risk? To be devalued, manipulated, etc? To once again open my emotional door to being abused by a person whom I trust and love?

However much compassion, understanding and even unconditional love  I experience and have towards my ex, the devastating effect our (yes, I played an active part in it) "relationship" had on me and the devastating consequences and harm it caused others can never justify me even taking the slightest risk of getting back on that roller coaster ride again. Making contact just might open that door.

However difficult it may be to make peace with the fact that what you feel towards your ex vastly differ from what he feels towards you, that is the sad truth and fact of the matter. However much I wish my ex had the same feelings of compassion, love, companionship, care etc. towards me that I had towards her, I must accept as fact that this never was, is and never will be true.  A BPD just experience these feelings differently, express them differently, and live them differently. We are like oil and water. The two will never mix, and in trying to mix them, both gets spoiled and cause a natural disaster.

NC was hard. Trust me, the longer you persist, the more time you grant yourself to get a true perspective on the dynamics of your "relationship". The better your understanding of these dynamics get, the more you will heal. The more you heal, the easier (and logic) NC becomes.

Think of it in this way. You just postponed NC with a few hours. No big deal!

Good luck.

[LoveNotWar]

So my ex and I have been separated for almost 9 months and we haven't been totally no contact because of financial obligations but as time goes by I realize how difficult it is to deal with him. I think in some ways the limited contact I had ( email only) helped me see what a stinker he really is.

Sometimes I see SO clearly how he manipulates and controls and I know I'm lucky to be out of that relationship!

Of course I DO miss him sometimes and sometimes I'm so angry I could throw something but every day that goes by I get stronger and happier w/out him!

Hang in there friends... .  believe it or not it DOES get easier!

[mary_sunshine]

What exactly do you miss about him?

Well, he's only been gone a day, so I would say I miss waking up next to him, being held by him, the sound of his voice, the way he makes me laugh. He is a good person, just tortured. Unable to regulate his emotions or to be there for me sometimes when I'm not strong.

[afterdeath]

Is he a reason why you don't feel as strong sometimes?

I guess I should ask what don't you miss about him?

[mary_sunshine]

So we exchanged messages and I have to say, I feel worse. When I was going for the NC, I felt weird and lonesome for him, but also kind of great and excited about a future without so much crying and drama and uncertainty. But now I put it out there that I miss him, and although he says he misses me, he has made no attempt to come back or say he's sorry or anything. That makes me feel stupid, like he is glad to be rid of me. I have given up control of the situation, yet again. I felt more powerful when I made up my mind not to see him again. But I caved.

[mary_sunshine]

What don't I miss? Feeling like I am not a priority, arguing in circles about every stupid little thing in the world because nothing that comes out of my mouth can be anything but a new topic for debate. I don't miss the way he can suck the air out of a room with his sadness. I don't miss how he points out everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation. I don't miss being rejected every time I want to have sex.

[laelle]

I know how you feel Mary.  :)ont beat yourself up about it.  It happens to ALL of us.

You havent given up any power, but I understand how it feels that way.  

If you feel he has taken your power, how do you feel that you can take it back?

Accept that you want this to be over?  That it doesnt matter how he feels about it?  It doesnt today and it wont tomorrow.

Its in your nature to give in because you want to help. It makes you feel good to help.  Your just helping the wrong person.

You are stuck in this relationship because you cant see your own part in this.

You give because you get your value from doing good things for others.  You cant do good enough for him, because he steals it and then demands even better from you.

You become in a constant battle to try harder to be good because you dont get satisfaction unless your loving and doing good.  He cant see you as good or loving because he projects his emotions (pain, guilt, shame, fear) on to you to save himself.

Its a never ending cycle of pain.

If he is BPD, he misses your supply Mary, not you.  He probably wont say he is sorry because he projected all of his guilt on to you.

He truly doesnt think he did anything wrong.  Its you who carries the guilt because he cant.  Its the way his defense system works.

If you pull away your supply for him, and he doesnt have or cant find another supply, more than likely he will come back when he boils over again.

Let go.  You dont deserve it.

[whereisthezen]

Mary,

I had to re-read your last post to make sure I didnt write it myself!

You said "Feeling like I am not a priority (awful feeling), arguing in circles about every stupid little thing in the world because nothing that comes out of my mouth can be anything but a new topic for debate. I don't miss the way he can suck the air out of a room with his sadness (Even the happiest person would be deflated with that magnitude of sadness). I don't miss how he points out everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation (sme and wishy washy isnt good either in a r/s). I don't miss being rejected every time I want to have sex." (yeah really not a good time, makes my sexdrive out of control, but at least it makes things less complicated if it could ever be less complicated  )

Really I could have wrote that myself!  I bolded the things that I feel a lot of the time, those are very similar.

Wishing you strength and peace during this time. 

[afterdeath]

What don't I miss? Feeling like I am not a priority, arguing in circles about every stupid little thing in the world because nothing that comes out of my mouth can be anything but a new topic for debate. I don't miss the way he can suck the air out of a room with his sadness. I don't miss how he points out everything that could possibly go wrong in every situation. I don't miss being rejected every time I want to have sex.

Wow, reminds me so much how I used to feel all the time.

Now the next step is simple my dear: weigh out the pros vs cons.

A toxic relationship will never bulls back up, it will only deteriorate over time.

You can have what you miss about him with someone else without what you don't miss about him.

Catch my drift?  ;-)

[asher2]

Hi Mary... .  I remember feeling the exact same way you did during the same timespan my ex and I broke up. She cheated on me, I found out about it and called her out on it. Once she knew she was caught, her attitude toward me completely changed and she wrote me a long letter about how sorry she was and how much she supposedly loved me. She put the letter under my door and would not stop texting me after I received it asking if I read it. When I finally responded, I told her she could come over and we could talk. We talked all night but we just talked in circles. She cried almost the entire time (probably for herself) and when I woke up the next morning, I had this awful feeling inside me. I too felt like I gave up all power and I caved in to her and her manipulative ways.

As others have said, it isn't the end of the world. If you truly want him out of your life, you can start down that path now, today. I swore to myself after that morning that I was no longer going to let her have power over me so after that morning, I stopped all contact with her. Since November 1, 2012, I haven't talked to her and I'm proud of that.

You know what is funny? Looking back, in the grand scheme of everything, talking to her that night didn't at all give her power back (even though it felt like it then). Had I continued to talk to her, then yes, I probably would have given up power. But one "mistake" didn't render power back to her. That "mistake" was nothing more than me being human and having feelings and emotions. I think you are in the same boat right now.

If you truly want to move forward without him, start by NC today. And when you get the urge to contact him (and it will happen often in the next couple of months) just remind yourself that you are deserving of a life with a lot less drama and a lot more honesty. Although it's hard now, believe that you are destined for a better relationship in the future and you have a ton to learn from this one. It gets better, I promise (NC six months now)!

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks for all your truly wonderful replies! I'm sorry I was not around to read them. My UBPDBF has been coming around being sweet, and I didn't want to be on this board btching about him. It made me feel like a hypocrite.

Now he is here again. He didn't move all his stuff back, just a sleep over, until I green light that. I am starting to feel differently around him, though. Not so driven to try to please him, kind of annoyed that he never even asked if he could move back in, just assumed it. We just had a nice evening, which ended when he disagreed with my opinions on music, and invalidated my perception of an entire genre. He thinks he knows more about everything than everybody, but then he turns around and says how stupid he is and that he doesn't know anything. And sometimes he will meet a stranger who he thinks has brilliant insights-- many times telling him the exact same things I have in the past, which he dismissed.

Most days, I don't even really enjoy his company. I am not a needy person, so What the heck?

[cska]

Most days, I don't even really enjoy his company. I am not a needy person, so What the heck?

Yea, sometimes I feel like What the heck... . I think I'm holding on a phantom, something that's not really there. I dwell on dreams, and when I'm presented with the reality that my BPD gf is a very mean, nagging, angry, and hateful person, and not the loving person she was at the beginning, I think to myself W.T.F... .

[cska]

Mary, maybe if you keep reminding yourself that you dont even enjoy his company anymore, you'll find the strength to detach... .

[bewildered2]

remember that you are trying to break an addiction.

and like being addicted to anything, whether it be nicoteine, cocaine, heroin, or alcohol, it isn't easy.

so the best way is to start again, and look at each day without him as a big win.

and every time you are tempted to see him again, just imagine that he is a big line of cocaine or a pack of cigarettes. you know that both are bad for you. and you know that you will be healthier and happier without them, so just say no.

you have it in you take the power back. and then to use it for you.

he is mentally ill... .  he is like a drug... .  and he is poisonous.

you would be better off drinking bleach than continuing to give him access to you and your life.

be strong and say no. in time, you will be amazed at the hold that he had over you. and you will struggle to remember what it was that kept you tied to him. trust me... .  

b2

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks cska. I understand what you're saying about holding onto a phantom. My UBPDBF was incredible in the beginning and I have not been able to let that go. He still has moments when I see that side of him, and I still love him because he really is a good person and is fun to be with about 20% of the time. If he was a jerk ALL the time, it would be so much easier, but I still see the person I fell in love with and I don't want to hurt him.

And bewildered2, you are so on target with the comparison to addiction. It is scary how some types of mental illness actually give someone a way of behaving that is almost irresistible in the early stages, like he is grooming you. Once you are hooked, the truth is revealed. He cares less and less about you, and you realize he just wants somebody to pay attention to him and his needs 24/7. This is so similar to people trying drugs and enjoying the high at first, then becoming a slave to them once they are hooked! Even to the point of chasing a high that will never be as good as the one first experienced! Thanks for you insight. It's hard for me to think of him as a drug though. Because he is still the sweet, tortured guy I fell in love with. And I love him, not because of the drama, because I really do hate it, I always have. I have loved him despite it, for the good side of him. That's what's hard to let go of.

[Hopeliveshere]

Hi Mary, Thanks for this excellent post.

Picture yourself repeating these patterns over the next 40 years.

Then imagine NC for 6 months then 3 years and each time you reconnect he so-o-o sweet and

so you let him back in. Then the roller coaster ride starts over again and you are back where you started but with even less dignity.

It's like an alcoholic who thinks they can start drinking again after 3 years dry... .  if they just do it right this time. 

Imagine all the pain you'll have & the happiness you could have had over the years. 

All the best to you,

HLH

[babyducks]

However much compassion, understanding and even unconditional love  I experience and have towards my ex, the devastating effect our (yes, I played an active part in it) "relationship" had on me and the devastating consequences and harm it caused others can never justify me even taking the slightest risk of getting back on that roller coaster ride again. Making contact just might open that door.

Agree completely self destruct.  I need to be strong enough and smart enough to understand what is really on the line here.  If I really understand that the person I fell in love with has a mental illness that is triggered by fears of intimacy and abandonment, what on earth am I doing when I participate in the push pull cycle and what does it say about me?

No Contact is not easy.  In my experience it is also not the solution to ease my hurt and pain.   It was and is a tool to buy myself time.  A way to tread water until the roller coaster slowed down and I could safely get off. 

Focusing exclusively on no contact just made me miss her more.  I needed to look towards the future, to myself and substitute positives for what I had lost.

[mary_sunshine]

Well, he has left again. This time I told him it just would not work unless he was willing to accept that he has issues that need to be addressed, and actually work on them. Then, no sooner than he had started to tell me where he thought his life had become confused, he flipped a switch and started defending everything he had done in our relationship, and saying I need to work on my issues. Those issues he was referring to are my feeling insecure and resentful (only within the last couple of months) because he has broken up with me and moved out numerous times, wants very little to do with me sexually or romantically, does not offer any financial contribution to our home, and rarely has validations for any of my thoughts, needs or feelings.

I told him if he isn't willing to get help, we aren't going to work out. So he left.

[bewildered2]

a borderline needs to maintain a mask of perfection for their s.o. or else they think you will leave them, thus triggering the fear of abandonment, their worst fear.

so when you tell him that he isn't perfect, that he has issues he needs to work on, and that you arent buying his "i'm perfect, you're the one with problems", he leaves.

he knows he has problems. of course he does. but he doesnt want to admit that to you.

borderlines are perfect, are't they? they dont take blame.

remember, it is all your fault! Not.

this guy has problems that will guarantee a life of unhappiness, for him, and for anybody unlucky enough to invest emotionally in him.

it is a sad fact, but that's the way it is.

and expecting him to behave any differently is like asking someone in a wheelchair to suddenly stand up on the starting line of a marathon and run 26 miles. it ain't gonna happen. he cant do it.

b2

[afterdeath]

a borderline needs to maintain a mask of perfection for their s.o. or else they think you will leave them, thus triggering the fear of abandonment, their worst fear.

so when you tell him that he isn't perfect, that he has issues he needs to work on, and that you arent buying his "i'm perfect, you're the one with problems", he leaves.

he knows he has problems. of course he does. but he doesnt want to admit that to you.

borderlines are perfect, are't they? they dont take blame.

remember, it is all your fault! Not.

this guy has problems that will guarantee a life of unhappiness, for him, and for anybody unlucky enough to invest emotionally in him.

it is a sad fact, but that's the way it is.

and expecting him to behave any differently is like asking someone in a wheelchair to suddenly stand up on the starting line of a marathon and run 26 miles. it ain't gonna happen. he cant do it.

b2

Great comparison to a person going from a wheelchair to running a marathon right away, being a runner that makes perfect sense knowing how much work it's needed just to even run a 5k let alone a marathon.

These people need work, instead they run from it. Working out is hard, work is work, not fun, easy to see why some will try but many will flee.

Thanks for putting that great comparison up, speaks volumes to me.