Hard to Even Know Where to Start

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter, who is almost 28 and newly married, has BPD.  A diagnosis was made about ten years ago.  She had very minimal therapy years ago and was on/off medication for a few years.  For at least fifteen years, there has been one drama after another--explosions, outburts, conflicts with me and my husband (more me than him), conflicts with other people, mind games, manipulation, you name it.  I have tried to help her, reason with her, and have some sort of peace for all that time. 

Almost a year ago, her best friend of about eight years came to me asking questions.  She said she believed my daughter might have Bipolar Disorder or some sort of personality disorder.  She related some incidents that she had observed and was dealing with.  They were basically the same as the issues my husband and I have faced with her for years.  She was very concerned and wanting to know what she should do to help her and at the same time keep her own sanity--two things I have wanted answers to for years.  I initially lied to her and told her there was no pschological disorder, but I did validate what she was going through.  Later, I admitted to her that it was BPD. 

I have been at the end of my rope for so long with the whole situation, and I sensed that her best friend was getting to that point also.  I actually thought that discussing the issues would help her friend, help me, and possibly even help my daughter if we could somehow between the two of us figure out someway to get through to her.  Time went on and MANY incidents occured that concerned me between me and my daughter, between my daughter and other people, and between my daughter and her friend.  We talked, we confided in one another, and just before Easter we were both so fed up with the continuing problems that we said some things we shouldn't in a "private" Facebook message conversation.  My daughter saw that conversation.  Long story, but she saw it.  The other conversations we had on the phone or in person where we talked about how we loved her and wanted to help she knew nothing about.  She only saw the comments we made out of frustration. 

It has been a nightmare ever since.  My daughter has made the whole situation about the fact that I went behind her back.  She refuses to even recognize that the issues she deals with are even a factor.  It's all about my betrayal.  I have apologized again and again through e-mails and texts (she wouldn't talk to me)  and I truly am sorry for discussing her with her friend.  Both she and her husband (they've been married six months) claim there are no issues, there is no drama, there is no problem.  He knows that's not true, but he is behind her 100 percent as are many of her friends, even those who have been around a long time and have to know that my daughter has problems. 

I have not seen or spoken in person or even on the phone with my daughter since this all happened six weeks ago--until last night.  They both showed up at my house and there was a horrible confrontation.  It ended with my daughter saying she could never forgive me, never trust me again, and that she could not allow me to be part of her life.

I don't know where to go from here.  I would take back what I did if I possibly could, but I can't.  The problems my daughter struggles with  and all the chaos that comes from it would still be there, but at least this current mess wouldn't be going on.  I am a Christian and know that God is in control.  II am praying that coming on this board can somehow help. 

[Verbena]

My daughter, who is almost 28 and newly married, has BPD.  A diagnosis was made about ten years ago.  She had very minimal therapy years ago and was on/off medication for a few years.  For at least fifteen years, there has been one drama after another--explosions, outburts, conflicts with me and my husband (more me than him), conflicts with other people, mind games, manipulation, you name it.  I have tried to help her, reason with her, and have some sort of peace for all that time. 

Almost a year ago, her best friend of about eight years came to me asking questions.  She said she believed my daughter might have Bipolar Disorder or some sort of personality disorder.  She related some incidents that she had observed and was dealing with.  They were basically the same as the issues my husband and I have faced with her for years.  She was very concerned and wanting to know what she should do to help her and at the same time keep her own sanity--two things I have wanted answers to for years.  I initially lied to her and told her there was no pschological disorder, but I did validate what she was going through.  Later, I admitted to her that it was BPD. 

I have been at the end of my rope for so long with the whole situation, and I sensed that her best friend was getting to that point also.  I actually thought that discussing the issues would help her friend, help me, and possibly even help my daughter if we could somehow between the two of us figure out someway to get through to her.  Time went on and MANY incidents occured that concerned me between me and my daughter, between my daughter and other people, and between my daughter and her friend.  We talked, we confided in one another, and just before Easter we were both so fed up with the continuing problems that we said some things we shouldn't in a "private" Facebook message conversation.  My daughter saw that conversation.  Long story, but she saw it.  The other conversations we had on the phone or in person where we talked about how we loved her and wanted to help she knew nothing about.  She only saw the comments we made out of frustration. 

It has been a nightmare ever since.  My daughter has made the whole situation about the fact that I went behind her back.  She refuses to even recognize that the issues she deals with are even a factor.  It's all about my betrayal.  I have apologized again and again through e-mails and texts (she wouldn't talk to me)  and I truly am sorry for discussing her with her friend.  Both she and her husband (they've been married six months) claim there are no issues, there is no drama, there is no problem.  He knows that's not true, but he is behind her 100 percent as are many of her friends, even those who have been around a long time and have to know that my daughter has problems. 

I have not seen or spoken in person or even on the phone with my daughter since this all happened six weeks ago--until last night.  They both showed up at my house and there was a horrible confrontation.  It ended with my daughter saying she could never forgive me, never trust me again, and that she could not allow me to be part of her life.

I don't know where to go from here.  I would take back what I did if I possibly could, but I can't.  The problems my daughter struggles with  and all the chaos that comes from it would still be there, but at least this current mess wouldn't be going on.  I am a Christian and know that God is in control.  II am praying that coming on this board can somehow help. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

Hi Verbena,



You have come to the right place. We can help you.

There are many others here dealing with issues like this right now with their adult children.

Do you have other children?

Is her Dad in the picture at all?

Would you consider a few therapy sessions for yourself?

Here are a few links to help you process some of what has just happened as well as what has been going on for the past 13 years.

US: How can we forgive ourselves?

What can a parent do? (for parents of pwBPD)

Looking forward to hearing more of your story here. Please share a little more about what your D was doing that upset you and her best friend so much. It might help to put it into perspective. Believe me, the mothers and grandmothers and stepmothers here can relate to how you are feeling now. I am one of those moms, though my SS is much younger than your DD, I am well aware of how confusing, painful, and difficult his life and those of us that care about him are.

Yours,

mamachelle

[Verbena]

My almost 28-year old daughter has BPD.  For at least fifteen years, there has been almost constant chaos-- the push/pull dance, conflicts with me and her daddy, conflicts with more people than I could ever remember, projecting, manipulation, outbursts, and rages.  It has been a nightmare for all of us. 

Her best friend of about eight years came to me with questions nearly a year ago because she was both concerned and frustrated.  I ended up telling her about the BPD.  Since that time, MANY incidents have occurred both between my daughter and her friend, between my daughter and me, and between my daughter and others.  I foolishly believed that helping her friend understand what was going on and us talking could somehow help the situation.  I had the crazy notion that between the two of us, we could figure out how to help her.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  My daughter found out six weeks ago we were discussing the issues she struggles with, and it's been a nightmare ever since. 

It doesn't matter that my daughter's behavior has been out of control and completely unacceptable more times than I could count over the years.  She has demonized the now former friend and made it all about my betrayal of her as her mother.  It doesn't matter that I have tried to help her and reason with her and have put up with verbal abuse and tons of craziness for years or that it is a miracle I still have my sanity. 

She and her husband of six months showed up at our house last night and ambushed me with phone records (daughter is still on our plan but that will change soon)  which they said was proof that I had not learned my lesson since I have spoken to her friend since the incident happened.  After things settled down a little from when this first happened six weeks ago, her friend and I did talk about the situation and how it could be resolved, what she should do, what I should do, what a mess this all is, how we can't believe we thought talking would ever help etc., but I wasn't able to explain that to my daughter.   

It was a horrible scene last night and ended with them walking out and my daughter saying she could never trust me again and that she couldn't allow me in her life.  I don't know where to go from here.   

[mamachelle]

Hi Verbena,



I did post a reply to your post here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200885.0

Not to confuse you.

mamachelle

[Verbena]

I just realized that this first post went through.  I thought it didn't so I typed another shorter one with less detail.  To answer some of the questions, yes her father and I have been married for 30 years and he is supportive but struggles to deal with her also, and  I have a 23-year old son who has witnessed her behavior for years, completely gets it, and is helpful in helping me put it all into perspective. 

A few of the behaviors recently that I either am aware of because I was there and witnessed it or her friend has experienced with her:

1.  While trying to explain to my daughter that we could disagree without her perceiving it as an attack on her and no drama need come from it, she flew into a rage and began screaming at me.  We were in her car at the time in a mall parking lot.  She wouldn't let me speak and I couldn't take it anymore so I got out of the car, slammed the door (yes, I slammed it) and started to walk away.  She put her car in reverse, gunned it, and cut her wheel sharply.  I barely got out of the way before she hit me.  I screamed and jumped.  She stopped, looked right at me, and then took off as fast as she could.  Later, she said she didn't mean to hit me and that it was ridiculous for me to think she intended to do that.  She blamed me because I slammed her door. 

2. While at a restaurant with her husband, the friend I spoke to, and several other people, my daughter threw food and stormed out, broke a glass mug against the side of the building and left the premises.  The friend talked her down and her husband (then fiance) went and picked her up at another location where she had walked to.  My daughter's husband said this incident did not happen when I told him I knew about it and was really concerned about that behavior.  He and my daughter both claim the friend is the devil and lied to me because she has insecurities of her own. 

3.  For almost a year, a HUGE feud has been going on between my daughter and her sister-in-law.  I finally got to the point that I couldn't take hearing about anymore.  I pleaded with her to let it go many times and just live her life and stop focusing on it.  In February, we were at a party at my daughter's in-laws and the SIL in question was there as well.  I was friendly to the SIL and was accused later of "over doing it" and betraying my own child.  I was also told that her best friend (the one I had talked to) commented that my behavior was out of line.  Her best friend was not even there when I talked to the SIL.  She did not make that comment and my daughter knew she had been caught in a lie. 

I could go on for days. 

[mamachelle]

Verbena,

oy! I am so sorry to hear about these incidents. They really do shed light on the seriousness of her behavior. My H and I both have ex spouses that have BPD and my DH - even 8 years later says he'd never walk in front of a car if she is in the driver's seat.   

A great book for you and your Son and your Husband to look at is:

Essential Family Guide

It is very clear and well written. I know my DH does not like to read much about this stuff-- Not only are our ex spouses BPD-- but one of his sons, my SS10  has some BPD traits. I tend to read books and then summarize for him. 

Would recommend therapy for you though, just to work through all this.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better.

Please feel free to start reading and posting on our main boards. We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey. Come on over and introduce yourself there or just post a reply on someone else's threads. You have come to the right place!

  mamachelle

[vivekananda]

Oh Verbena  ,

It is all so sad isn't it? A mother wants the best for her children and we find ourselves not only powerless, but blamed also for all the wrongs. You must be feeling overwhelmed with the feeling of sadness. We all grieve for our adult children with BPD.

You have come to the right place here. You are safe and among friends. Here it is possible to find hope for the future and people who understand exactly what it feels like. You see, while the situations for each of us differs in the details, the effects on us are the same.

My dear daughter (dd) is 32. I have spoken with her 3 times in more than a year. The last time she was very angry and upset with me. And it hurts still. I have found strategies here to help me cope with my grief and ways to improve my relationship with my dd - yes I believe in spite of what I just said, that our relationship is better than it was.

The two tools that have helped me are values based boundary setting and validation. The is much information here on the site to help us learn about these things and about BPD in general. Also on this site are the forums/boards (eg the supporting a son or daughter forum) where we discuss our concerns and support each other. I would like to encourage you to explore the site to see what is here and to begin to learn how it works.

One thing I found important to me is to be up front about the fact that my daughter has a mental illness with others, especially other family members, so that they can understand her behaviour better. Is there any reason you have wanted to keep quiet about that? Do you feel some sort of shame about it?

I am looking forward to hearing your response,

Cheers,

Vivek      

[angeldust1]

Oh Verbena,  I'm so sorry and I wish I had a majic wand to wave your way to end this all,  but unfortunately I don't . But... .  

I can so relate to your story.  My son has banished me from his life for imaginary things, so much it's almost second nature to me.   It still hurts,  get me right!  And all the  craziness,  oh God the craziness.  Then they leave,  and you start thinking is it me or them?  Trust me... .  IT IS THEM.

I too have tried to "help" my BPD with understanding,  listening, begging forgiveness for whatever he thinks I did,  and even suggesting he goes to couseling, talking to people about him to find answers,   but of course it is all my fault,  and how dare I think something is wrong with him?  If I werent' such a bad parent he would not have the problems he has today.

Not too long ago,  after he blasted me for everything that has happened from the dawn of time,  just... .  out of the blue,  for no apparent reason.  Then out of the blue  he texted me back to tell me he forgives me,  but he doesn't trust me and never will.  So he was leaving me out of his life.  I didn't even ans. the text.  Nothing you say will do any good.  It's their frame of mind for the day.  Just keep reading the stories on the this site and you will find confort. 

You will also find some very understanding friends here,  we have ALL been there and done that. 

I know that last night must have been a nightmare,  but please try to put it into perspective,  last night was not about you,  it was about her. The ambush was not particularly meant to hurt you,  although I'm sure it did,   but it was  merely to concrete her stance that there is nothing wrong with her.   And as for her new husband,  soon enough he will either understand where you are,  or he will just have to put up with it too.  Either way you will be the winner,  if there are any winners with BPD in your life.

As for her friend,  you were only trying in another way to help her. Dont' blame yourself for trying.  We all have and we have all failed at one thing or another.  It's the nature of the beast.  It's usually a no win situation no matter how you cut it.

But I feel you are in the right place,  you will find loving support here,  and people who have been in the exact same place you are.  And have felt the same hurt as well as the confusion  you feel.  We can't heal your daughter,  that is not our aim,  but we can be as loving and supportive.   And I am here to tell you what she is doing is nothing new to us here at the BPD site.

[angeldust1]

I am always accused of taking the enemy's side.  And believe me there are a lot of enemies.  His exact words to me where,  that " If I want to befriend the people that have hurt him the most,  then he knows where my loyality lies"  This has almost become his motto for me.  I take everyone side but his,  but he forgives me,  but will never trust me.  This is soo hurtful,  wrong and also,  totally distorted.  I can see how all of your struggle with the exact same issues,  I deal with,  and we ALL,  have to put it into perspective and just know it is not us,  but we are dealing with a serious disorder that affects everyone in the family. 

IT JUST HELPS TO KNOW!