friends sick of me talking about my ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can tell that people are sick of me talking about the breakup with my exBPDbf.  I've heard comments ranging from "Just get him out of your head!"  to "I have no new insights on this, I'm going to tell you what I told you the last 200 times." 

In a week it will be two months since the break up, and new insights, hurts, memories etc are still coming up for me.  In the last two days I heard that the job I left after the breakup because we both worked there is giving him way more days than they ever gave me.  This is because he ingratiates himself .  Everyone seems to love my ex, even the owner/friend that has known me for 22 years is making excuses for his treatment of me.   He has only been in the field off and on for around a year and a half, but he is so damn charming.

It pisses me off that I am avoiding two work places because he used me as a way to get into both places while we were dating.  It pisses me off that there is a bar/restaurant that he likes to go to on a certain night that I would also like to go to, but I'm afraid to run into him.

It pisses me off that he treated me like trash and dumped me when the day before he told me he loved me three times.

I felt like driving up to the location he was working at tonight, (the one that I had previously worked at for 22 years) and confronting him after his shift.  That's when I called my friend for reason, because I knew I didn't want to do it and look like a crazy stalker.  I felt she was so bored with what I was saying, I felt no empathy.  I felt like she expects me to be over it by now, as it was almost two months ago. 

I haven't contacted him at all, and I feel he has no plans to contact me.  He just disposed of me, and it makes me mad and sad.  Guess I'm not even worth a recycle attempt.  At least then I could ignore him.  But this way I just feel discarded.

[leftbehind]

I can tell that people are sick of me talking about the breakup with my exBPDbf.  I've heard comments ranging from "Just get him out of your head!"  to "I have no new insights on this, I'm going to tell you what I told you the last 200 times." 

In a week it will be two months since the break up, and new insights, hurts, memories etc are still coming up for me.  In the last two days I heard that the job I left after the breakup because we both worked there is giving him way more days than they ever gave me.  This is because he ingratiates himself .  Everyone seems to love my ex, even the owner/friend that has known me for 22 years is making excuses for his treatment of me.   He has only been in the field off and on for around a year and a half, but he is so damn charming.

It pisses me off that I am avoiding two work places because he used me as a way to get into both places while we were dating.  It pisses me off that there is a bar/restaurant that he likes to go to on a certain night that I would also like to go to, but I'm afraid to run into him.

It pisses me off that he treated me like trash and dumped me when the day before he told me he loved me three times.

I felt like driving up to the location he was working at tonight, (the one that I had previously worked at for 22 years) and confronting him after his shift.  That's when I called my friend for reason, because I knew I didn't want to do it and look like a crazy stalker.  I felt she was so bored with what I was saying, I felt no empathy.  I felt like she expects me to be over it by now, as it was almost two months ago. 

I haven't contacted him at all, and I feel he has no plans to contact me.  He just disposed of me, and it makes me mad and sad.  Guess I'm not even worth a recycle attempt.  At least then I could ignore him.  But this way I just feel discarded.

[j4c]

So sorry to hear your story but this is for you 'leftbehind'... .  

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!

I felt every word of your story and it almost brings a tear to my eye. My friends were getting really pissed off with me a year ago because i couldnt get past my ex - even after 4 or 5 months of no contact!

I think the most positive thing i can say to you at this time is that the reason you perhaps feel you aren't "worth" a recycle attempt is that you meant THAT much to your exBPDbf he simply loved you TOO much and he didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it. Dont ever forget we are dealing with emotionally stunted people here! I cant imagine meeting anyone more dangerous than a pwBPD!

[leftbehind]

thank you, j4c.  my ex did tell me that he loved me in a way that he hadn't loved anyone else before.  he also told me that it was the first time sex was spiritual for him.  I never considered the possibility that maybe that's why he's staying away from me after the breakup, although as far as I know once he's done he's done.  This is how he was with the two ex's before me.  So it may just be his pattern. 

I appreciate that you know how I feel because you've been there

[leftbehind]

and yeah, they suck

[cska]

Hey leftbehind!

I'm so sorry  My friends are also sick of me talking about my pain. I can see it in the way they talk to me about it. And I also feel like I'm not even worth a recycle attempt... . It hurts a lot, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Hang in there 

[cska]

Its because your friends don't understand just how painful it is to get out of a r/s w a pwBPD. I have one friend that's been through it, and he's the only one who's extremely helpful and understanding, and doesn't dismiss me. Everyone else just tells to man up and move on. yea, if only it were that easy... .

[leftbehind]

thank you cska.  In reality I guess we're the lucky ones because we aren't being tempted with a BPD who wants to recycle us.  But at the same time it's kind of a blow to the ego.  I hate to feel I'm that easy to get over.

[seeking balance]

thank you cska.  In reality I guess we're the lucky ones because we aren't being tempted with a BPD who wants to recycle us.  But at the same time it's kind of a blow to the ego.  I hate to feel I'm that easy to get over.

This may take some time to really get, but BPD isn't about you.  You are not why this happened.

Life will go on and the friends that let you say the same things over and over will be there... .  those that don't, won't.

Let yourself Be sad, it's the way to let go.

Peace,

SB

[KellyO]

Don't burden other people too much, respect them when they clearly show you they don't want to listen to you anymore. Truth is, most people are tangled in their own worlds and minds and are really not that interested about other people's problems. I had hard time to learn that other people are not my trash cans and they have every right to get tired of my self pity and obsessing. Instead, I started to write, and I sat on my computer and wrote, sometimes hours a day if I was deep in my misery. I wrote hundreds of pages. It helps, and you can be what ever you want to be: sorry for youself, hate your ex, bitter, you don't have to do any censoring. One day you can be understanding and empathic, next day you can hate them and want revenge. It does not matter, because it is all just for yourself and for your own emotional cleansing.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I understand what you're going through with your friends. Mine do the same thing "Just forget about her man, move on". They don't understand that a BPD relationship does things to you that a normal does not. It addicts you- infects you even. It takes a mental and emotional toll on you that nons who have not experienced cannot understand. Your friends mean well, but you are much better off coming to places like here to vent and look for guidance. I feel like I won't be worth a recycle attempt from my current BPD ex, even though after seeing some of her previous men and even the current one she's with (the one she cheated on me with) and that I am heads and tails above them all (I'm very humble, but it's just shocking how trashy and low-class they are) that I will just be this sweet, hot guy who was fun for awhile, and gave her the perfect mirror for her to be a kind, loving person that she is not. Yet the BPD ex before her called me today after me definitively shutting her down last time talked almost a month ago (I was sleeping when she called, but would not have answered anyways). Truthfully, at this point they both can go to hell. I'm sick of feeling damaged because of them, even though I do all I can to be positive and make my life better.

[VeryFree]

It's tough to feel that way. I felt like that before. Don't want to bother friends and friends that have their own problems.

What helped me is the following insight:

Things that happen to me, things that make me feel a certain way, all do have nothing to do with others. They have to do with me. With the way I am looking at the world, the way I am looking at myself.

If I feel bad because I don't get recycled by my x, then I must not ask if I'm not good enough for her. I must ask why I want to be recycled. To boost my ego? To show the world that I'm not the bad person she painted me black to? To feel that she needs me?

After answering these questions it's time to look further: why do I have those feelings? Where did they come from?

If I feel bad because my friend don't want to listen to me when I'm telling the same sort of story for the 101st time, then I must not ask if my friends are not interested in me. I must ask if that feeling is right and why I feel that way. And so on.

The behavior of our BPD-x's isn't about us, it's about them.

I dare to say that our (or my) behavior and feelings isn't about my x, but about me.

I had help from a T to get these things get more clear.

[WillSurvive420]

i wish there was a way to outsmart their manipulations to use them against them. like emotional jiu jitsu... .  

[leftbehind]

thanks everyone that responded   This is the one place I can go to be reminded that it's not about me, it's about him having BPD.  I appreciate this forum and you all so much.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I appreciate this post because yes, they are so good at making you believe this is about you. When they want you back, they profess their undying love, tell you how they've never loved someone so much, etc, then when they pull back, make you feel like you have done something wrong. You go through this enough times, you are off balance, you struggle to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong, what you could have done differently because none of it makes sense.

This is not your fault. I typed on another one of my posts that I had to realize my four year old has a higher emotional IQ than my ex.

My family is truly sick of watching me go through this over and over. Last time I talked to my sister she just kept asking "ok so what are you doing for YOU?" Stop talking about him. He'll never chagnge so what are you doing for you?