How did you start NC?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've never truly gone NC with any of my exes before except for one.  If they reached out, then I'd respond.  Maybe a day later, maybe 2, etc., so you can say I've only ever realistically done LC.  Ironically enough, I've never gone NC with an ex except for my exBPD.  In that case, she was the one who initiated NC with me.

So, those of you who've gone NC, how long after your BU did it take you go to NC?  What steps did you take to build your strength and resolve to completely let them go?

[ZhaoZilong5]

I've never truly gone NC with any of my exes before except for one.  If they reached out, then I'd respond.  Maybe a day later, maybe 2, etc., so you can say I've only ever realistically done LC.  Ironically enough, I've never gone NC with an ex except for my exBPD.  In that case, she was the one who initiated NC with me.

So, those of you who've gone NC, how long after your BU did it take you go to NC?  What steps did you take to build your strength and resolve to completely let them go?

[ZhaoZilong5]

My friend BU'ed with her exBPD a month ago, and her best friend and I are trying to be as supportive as possible.  She's strong on some days but almost gets recycled on others.  Does she need time to process it, or should we try to show our support and suggest NC as much as possible without pushing her?  On one hand, she said she'll do it within due time, but she can't stick to her boundaries very well.  I feel like people do need time to process their feelings.  On the other hand, I think that the sooner people go NC, the easier it will be to heal in the long-run, and NC is also a way to process feelings without the FOG.

[paperlung]

Deleted Facebook, changed my phone number and email address. She can't get a hold of me so easily now. Been two months since I last last spoke to her.

[fromheeltoheal]

NC was easy for me, but detaching was the hard part: even though we were no longer communicating, she was still firmly in my head and my heart.  Look at the detachment stages at the right of this thread; it's a process and it takes time.  I made a list of all the crap she pulled that I accepted when I was enmeshed and in denial, but realized it was completely unacceptable, and reading the list got me focused on how toxic and destructive the relationship really was.  Beyond that, take care of you, and focus on a future without her, which to me was a lot better.  Keep us posted.

[LongGoneEx]

So, those of you who've gone NC, how long after your BU did it take you go to NC?  What steps did you take to build your strength and resolve to completely let them go?

For me, 6 months of LC after the BU, which I define as a few emails or phone calls a week, mostly polite, mostly short, but mostly so because I was becoming increasingly less reactive to her nonsense, and more aware that the outrageous things she'd say were her BPD talking. We had one F2F meeting in this time. 

As time went on and (with the help of this board) I adjusted to the idea that any relationship with an untreated borderline was a nonstarter doomed to failure.  Definitely don't let yourself think that it would have worked if only you had done this, that, or the other thing she wanted done.  It wouldn't have, trust me. I tried this, that and the other thing, before, during and after the BU. For every issue I addressed, she'd create three more.

I always replied to her sometimes abusive messages politely but at the first opportunity when I felt ready (i.e. internally detached), I just stated my boundaries one last time in very polite and neutral terms and rather predictably she raged and gave me the silent treatment. So technically she went NC but that's what I wanted and to a degree I waited for it to be initiated by her. It's my intention to let us be silent forever, and at 85 days now I'm no longer interested in her dramas and manipulations.  I'm planning to date again and as someone here said, my whole relationship with her seems like some dream that didn't even happen in reality. 

Hang in there - it does get easier once you go NC. I found at about 70-80 days of NC I was over the urge to contact her when I thought of the good times (which were mostly her mirroring my good traits, before she became a the BPD hater).

[seeking balance]

No contact was started when I truly believed the facts of BPD.

I let go for both our sake.

Peace,

SB

[LoveNotWar]

We had LC to deal with joint finances but that is resolved now so I don't contact him for any reason.

He does send me an email a couple times a week. In his latest email he asked me if  I was running in a race he and I did together every year.   

I'm not reinforcing that by replying. I am hoping he will get tired of being ignored and just stop.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Well, what I'm wondering is, how did you build the strength to begin while you were in the FOG?

[Mr Bean]

I went straight to NC once she mentioned she's got someone. However she still wants to string me along by being friends with me. I guess she wants me as a back up just in case things dont work out with her new guy. Believe me, I know it's hard to go NC to someone that you really love but it does help. It helps you move on. I've been NC for 3 months now and I feel so much better

[Validation78]

Hey ZZ5 and All!

To answer your question about building strength. I believe that once you make up your mind that you want to be healthy and happy, you can decide how that can be done. Develop a plan of action, and stick to it. Do what works, change what doesn't. My plan went something like this once I felt I had done EVERYTHING possible to salvage the marriage:

Consult an attorney

Tell him to move out

Email time to pick his things up

Limit all contact to email only

Have friend proof read every email, limited to business only

Do not respond to niceness or nastiness

Block phone calls

No more personal conversations, nothing left to discuss.

Take one day at a time

Pray, a lot

Repeat affirmations

Exercise

Keep friends close

Stay busy

Maintain hope for future happiness

Reach out for help if needed

Relish the peace, every minute of it

Be grateful for everything you have   

Praise yourself for doing the right things, and knowing you are getting healthy

Live your truth. Don't let anyone allow you believe what you know is not true.

There is power in routine and discipline. Once you develop your own plan, you will feel stronger and better. There will be weak moments, that's ok. Get back on track, and keep moving forward!

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[WillSurvive420]

she made it fairly easy to me... .  just had to have a little dignity and pride... .  no matter how hot or good in the bed, or fun... .  BPDexs are not worth the trouble... .  Take control, and do whats right for you!