from good to bad or worse...

[muffetbuffet]

I just wish my daughter could accept when good things happen to her.  It is as if she feels like she is under too much pressure and has to run before she has to deal with everyone saying "good job".  We are close to the end of the school year and IF she finishes the school year along with one summer class, daughter will be moved from 9th grade (second time around) to 11th grade.  She was so excited and really working hard to make it happen.  Then I am not sure what has come along to derail her but we are now on the fourth boyfriend in a month.  Understand a "boyfriend" is any male that acknowledges her.  She falls madly in love from the first hello. At age 16 she has already been "engaged" four or five times that we know of.  Anyhow, our latest concern is the new boyfriend she has hooked up with from out of our state.  She is 16 and he is 19.  I was able to get into her skype account today and read her latest adventure she is planning.  She has plans for this young man to come pick her up so that she can get out of this house.  Rather interesting reading on the skype account today I would add.  Could have easily recieived and X rating.  Are my husband and I horrible people for not trying to stand in her way of leaving?  We just don't have the energy left to fight.  IF we call the police on her, they will bring her back home and it will be horrble here.  She will be overly angry and most likely would just try to run away again.  ANy thoughts?    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Zkarma]

I don't have an answer for you but know that you're not alone in not wanting to always step in due to a complete lack of energy as well as knowing the aftermath will be even worse than the norm.  We face that feeling daily and I'm not sure anyone but the parent going through it can really offer the perfect solution.  I think you have to do whatever it is you feel you are able to do and then be able to deal with what comes next. We are not super heroes and we are dealing with extremely irrational people where every moment is unpredictable.  Keep vigilant, always be prepared for all the what-ifs you can think of and do what you can.  Dont beat yourself up.  I hope it all works out.  Wishing you the best

[vivekananda]

gee muffetbuffet that is hard.

No energy left to fight, I remember that all too well. Ultimately you do what you can.

No, you are not horrible to not stand in her way of leaving - she just may not do it anyway. Age 16 is a horrible age. You are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

When I remember those years, my bottom line was to understand what was my legal responsibility. Would you be held responsible for what she did? By law, is she a minor or juvenile, or not? When I knew my legal responsibility, then I considered my moral responsibility. Should a parent protect her child? What is the difference between protecting and interfering?

This is one way I would consider an answer to my questions... .  As a parent it is my responsibility to bring my child to responsible independence. I work on responsibility by actively working on value based decisions and this is obvious to all in the family. I work on independence by allowing my dd make her own decisions (right or wrong) and take every opportunity to allow her to learn from them.

Now, of course, I stuffed up big time, for a number of reasons. One big one was not having boundaries based on values agreed to by all in the family. The other was simply not understanding and using validation techniques.

So, in the short term you do what you can and make sure you are on the ball with your tools of boundaries (values based) and validation. Refresh your learning on these tools, extend and develop your understanding of these.

This is important for your dd's future. As an adolescent, you can prevent your child from deeper unhappiness into adulthood and avoid the sort of situation we have seen with our dd of 32. And ultimately you do what you can,

Cheers,

Vivek      

[lbjnltx]

Hello muffetbuffet,

That is a scary situation that you have discovered.  At 16 her brain is still developing and she doesn't have the maturity to make these types of decisions... .  BPD or not.  If he is 19 and in another state there are significant laws that would be violated should he come and get her and transport her across state lines. 

If it were me, I would:

Tell daughter that I can see how hard she worked this past year to advance her education and that I would like to see her continue to focus on this.

Tell daughter that she has many years and opportunities ahead of her regarding education, exploring the world and choosing who she invests herself in.

Tell daughter that I am there to guide, support and protect her as I have legal and moral responsibilities for her until she is an adult.

Tell daughter that I can and will make decisions based on what my legal and moral responsibilities are to her.

If my daughter is aware that I know about this relationship with the 19 year old then I would also:

Tell daughter that I have concerns about her relationship with 19 year old.

Tell daughter that he is legally an adult and can be prosecuted as such if he breaks any laws.

Tell daughter that I will use any and all tools in my tool box to enforce my legal and moral responsibilities to her and protect her until she is an adult.


These are tough times muffetbuffet... .  my dd is 16 too and as a parent I have to  set the standards and boundaries constantly... .  our teens will push and push and we must stand firm regardless of how hard they push or how scary the consequences might be.

 

lbjnltx

[Eclaire5]

I can’t give you any advice on what to do, but I can share my experience, which was very similar at the time my dd20 was 16. She was dating an older boy that we didn’t particularly approve of.  At one point she became physically aggressive trying to leave the house to move in with him and we called the youth services where she was getting treatment. They took her against her will to the psych hospital (due to violent behavior) and kept her there for a week. After that the psychiatrist and therapist recommended for her to go to a residential program for a couple of months, where she stayed for about a week and then her boyfriend “rescued” her. We didn’t know where she was for weeks! I think that was the worst time of my life… Finally the police found her, but since she had just turned 17 they couldn’t force her to go back home or to the program. We had to give in to at least know where she was and how she was doing. If I could do it all over again I would have not prevented her from going with her boyfriend (who just broke her heart a few weeks ago by the way). I would have opened the door for her on her way out and wish her good luck instead of trying to force her to stay, which led to the whole violent episode. Things are much better now and she seems to be maturing little by little. She lived with the boyfriend for a while, but once they were basically starving to death she decided to come home. They were still in a relationship, but we had to relocate back to the US due to my job a few months ago, and she left him in Germany to come with us with the plan to go back later. She is now brokenhearted because he cheated on her with one of her friends, but even though I feel bad for her, I am happy it’s finally over…

[griz]

 I wish I could give you advice on this as my heart can so identify with being to exhausted to even care anymore.  There were times when I felt this was with DD. I particularly remember one night when I was so physically and mentally drained that I left DD in a rather bad state, went to my room, drank wine, cried myself to sleep and really didn't care what was happening.  I had reached my breaking point and I just couldn't do anymore.  I walked around in a daze for two days and practically ignored DD even though I knew she needed someone, it just couldn't be me.  I had to recharge my batteries.  Maybe that is how you are feeling right now and please allow yourself to feel this way.  Your dh and yourself need to take care of yourselves and also each other. 

It is hard to discuss this with your DD if she doesn't know that you are aware of her plan, however you need to do whatever you feel is best to keep her safe.  If you bring it up and she explodes, well better that than she make a mistake and take off with this guy.  And I agree, let her know that he is of age where he can be arrested and held accountable especially if they cross state lines.  I hope this is all talk for her and you don't have to deal with this.

Griz

[muffetbuffet]

Update:  Daughter is still talking to 19 yr old but she is no longer his girlfriend as she has moved on to another young man.  This one is supposedly 17 yrs. old.  It is so difficult to understand this empty feeling that she has and her constant need to be needed    Our big drama right now is that daughter has totally given up on the school year.  She is refusing to go to school and of course that is not helping her grades.  She has decided not to do summer school so she will not be promoted to 11th grade.  Thankfully the school has been wonderful.  They understand we are doing all that we can possibly do.  We have had the truency officer meet with dd to see if that will help.  Also have a dr appt with her primary care doctor to eliminate any physical ailments.  I just get tired thinking about all the time and energy our daughter spends on the constant drama that has become the norm in her life.