So torn on what to do

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone,

First time poster but have been reading the boards for a few months. Im a 26 year old male with a LD-exDBPD who is trying to get back together again.

Ill try and keep this as short as I can. I met my ex through an online social media site, things clicked and within 3 weeks I had flown 1000 km's to go see her in person. Things were like fireworks, we connected on so many levels and I knew I was head over heels for this girl. We had talked about mental illness and she was diagnosed with BPD with severe anxiety and depression issues to go with it. After the first visit we had decided we wanted to be in a relationship and I flew back and we started our journey.

Forward a month ahead and I flew her out to see me. The first 24-48 hours were fantastic! By the 3rd day, she went cold. She had told me she didn't want to be here and wanted to go home and that she wasn't happy. I'm not sure what the trigger was and am still scratching my head over it. She went home and I was broken hearted. I had paid for the flight, everything while she was here and have been the most understanding and caring boyfriend Im sure she's ever had. She had landed in her connecting city and a flurry of text messages were sent saying she really messed up and that she wishes she could redo it and how sorry she was.

I decided it could have just been an off week or visit as she was stressed about some external personal stuff. I decided to give it another try and flew her out once again... .  I had decided at this point that this was the decision maker, the make or break it type of deal. I was also going to surprise her if everything went well and let her know I was going to be transferring my job to somewhere closer to her to change the environment and potentially make this work (we were both struggling with the LD aspect)

The 3rd visit she lands and right away I feel something is off. We get to my place and chill, nothing physical or anything and we went to bed. The next day we was acting really off puttish and cold and I decided to leave the house for a bit to sort out my head. I came back and told her she needs to decide if this is what she wants and if she wants to in a relationship with me any further. She said she loved me and she did. The next day we wake up and she had decided on an impulse she didn't want a relationship. We spent the next 2 days opposite of the couch and barely speaking. I put her in a cab and sent her to the airport, this was almost 3 weeks ago.

I've tried going NC with her, I deleted her off various social media sites and such and have avoided texting her up until the last week. She is now trying very hard to get us back together. She says she knows she messed up and that she wants me in her life. She wants me to move out there now and start a life together. She is currently going through counselling for her BPD.

Im hesitant, the amount of pain she put me through those various visits have scared me and Im not sure if Im willing to put myself out there again. Im also afraid of what my family and friends will think and say after all the misery and venting I put on them during those times. The hot and cold, the push and pull of it all worries me. She says she's aware of everything she's doing and will make sure it will not happen again but I'm having a hard time believing what she's saying.

I need advice, if you were in this situation what would you do? Would you give it another try even though the track record is not very good? I love the girl, we get a long so well and have lots of the same interests. We had made plans to live together eventually, she had even spoken about marriage and getting wifed up, having kids and even went so far as to talk about the type of house she sees us living in... .  Help?

[Bikeboy]

Hey everyone,

First time poster but have been reading the boards for a few months. Im a 26 year old male with a LD-exDBPD who is trying to get back together again.

Ill try and keep this as short as I can. I met my ex through an online social media site, things clicked and within 3 weeks I had flown 1000 km's to go see her in person. Things were like fireworks, we connected on so many levels and I knew I was head over heels for this girl. We had talked about mental illness and she was diagnosed with BPD with severe anxiety and depression issues to go with it. After the first visit we had decided we wanted to be in a relationship and I flew back and we started our journey.

Forward a month ahead and I flew her out to see me. The first 24-48 hours were fantastic! By the 3rd day, she went cold. She had told me she didn't want to be here and wanted to go home and that she wasn't happy. I'm not sure what the trigger was and am still scratching my head over it. She went home and I was broken hearted. I had paid for the flight, everything while she was here and have been the most understanding and caring boyfriend Im sure she's ever had. She had landed in her connecting city and a flurry of text messages were sent saying she really messed up and that she wishes she could redo it and how sorry she was.

I decided it could have just been an off week or visit as she was stressed about some external personal stuff. I decided to give it another try and flew her out once again... .  I had decided at this point that this was the decision maker, the make or break it type of deal. I was also going to surprise her if everything went well and let her know I was going to be transferring my job to somewhere closer to her to change the environment and potentially make this work (we were both struggling with the LD aspect)

The 3rd visit she lands and right away I feel something is off. We get to my place and chill, nothing physical or anything and we went to bed. The next day we was acting really off puttish and cold and I decided to leave the house for a bit to sort out my head. I came back and told her she needs to decide if this is what she wants and if she wants to in a relationship with me any further. She said she loved me and she did. The next day we wake up and she had decided on an impulse she didn't want a relationship. We spent the next 2 days opposite of the couch and barely speaking. I put her in a cab and sent her to the airport, this was almost 3 weeks ago.

I've tried going NC with her, I deleted her off various social media sites and such and have avoided texting her up until the last week. She is now trying very hard to get us back together. She says she knows she messed up and that she wants me in her life. She wants me to move out there now and start a life together. She is currently going through counselling for her BPD.

Im hesitant, the amount of pain she put me through those various visits have scared me and Im not sure if Im willing to put myself out there again. Im also afraid of what my family and friends will think and say after all the misery and venting I put on them during those times. The hot and cold, the push and pull of it all worries me. She says she's aware of everything she's doing and will make sure it will not happen again but I'm having a hard time believing what she's saying.

I need advice, if you were in this situation what would you do? Would you give it another try even though the track record is not very good? I love the girl, we get a long so well and have lots of the same interests. We had made plans to live together eventually, she had even spoken about marriage and getting wifed up, having kids and even went so far as to talk about the type of house she sees us living in... .  Help?

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi Bikeboy,

Welcome to bpdfamily, I'm so glad you found this site.  You have come to the right place for support and encouragement.  I'm sorry to hear about your breakup.  I can really understand your hesitation about jumping in the saddle again and possibly getting hurt.  The people here have been through similar situations and can offer support and guidance - there is hope!

Have you considered therapy for yourself?  Are your friends and family still supportive?

I'm not sure if you've seen this, but if you haven't,  I think it may be helpful right now:  Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

And here is another one that may help, as your girlfriend is now in therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious?

Keep writing, it helps to share.  We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[Bikeboy]

Thanks for the reply heartandwhole! I'll take a look at those links. I haven't looked into counselling for myself in regards to these types of things but have dealt with some of my codependent traits through a counsellor a year or two ago.

In regards to my friends and family... .  there's no support anymore. They feel I should not get back together with her, theyve been there to support me before but have told me if I do get back together with her that I'm not to speak to them if I'm upset or I get hurt again. Hearing that from my best friends and family has me hurting and isn't helping this situation at all. I hate what ifs and regrets and I feel if I don't take this last chance then I'll be doing exactly what I hate to have in my life, but I also said this last time as well. It's a big giant vicious cycle in my head!

[heartandwhole]

Hi again Bikeboy,

I'm sorry that you don't feel supported by your friends and family.  That is painful, and at the same time, I'm sure they don't want to see you hurt again.  It's hard for people to understand these kinds of relationships if they have never been in one.  I know my family and friends were very worried about me during my relationship.

It does feel like a vicious circle, with a lot of "what ifs" and doubts.  Take your time, breathe, look around the site.   Ask questions.

You'll find support and things can get better.  We're glad you're here.

heartandwhole

[Mark2430]

I think alot of us can relate to the whirlwind of dating someone with BPD, but i dont see it getting better for you, my situation was similar to yours, and I have now been no contact for 5 weeks, trust your gut on this, the behaviors you mentioned dont go away, My ex and I broke up because I drew a line in the sand basically saying I was done with the name calling, accusations, and the push/pull behavior that you described... .  none of this is about you... .  its all about her as hard as that is to recognize because of the initial feeling of being idealized... .  my thinking is BPDs eventually lose respect for someone that keeps coming back to them and taking the abuse... .  they do the things they do to try and get a reaction out of you because to them that shows you care... .  but at the same time they are thinking this person is weak because they keep taking the abuse and eventually they move on leaving us in their wake... .  Mine told me once we were done and she couldnt do it anymore and I responded with "k" which set her off big time... .  "In my mind i was thinking What the heck" ... .  then another time she told me that it was just to hard and she didnt see it working out and I responded "I dont want to cause you any pain so maybe it is best we move on" and her response was typical BPD "what we have is special and you want to throw it away" again i was thinking Huh what the heck is going on ... .  it when i really realized their was something wrong... .  and I was dealing with an emotionally immature person... .  I told mine that I wasnt going to take it anymore and i loved her, and she responded with the time we were together was amazing but she doesnt think she ever was in love with me and she cant stand cocky guys because it pushes her over the edge... .  ... .  i was cocky because I said "I am not going to put up with the name calling and accusations" ... .  basically i stood up to her... .  and I havent heard from her in 5 weeks... .  and with each day forward I look back and things are much clearer... .  their is a part of me that wouldnt mind her coming back... .  but I know it will never work out long term... .  so whats the point... .  I do have a mutual friend that told me she has been acting out since we broke up... .  she posted on face book the "she was tired of cocky guys and wanted a meaningful relationship" then posted " she wasnt interested in dating anyone" then last week posted a rant telling all the people on facebook that havent contacted her in awhile that she was deleting them and they were pathetic and she is popular enough and doesnt need them" ... .  she is 44 years old... .  ... .  our mutual friend attributes this to the break up because she had never heard talk so much about a guy and they have been friends her whole life... .  and shes seen her go through a ton of guys... .  I think i threw her for a loop because I didnt chase her, and I just walked away with my boundaries firmly set... .  

[angeldust1]

Dear so torn,  don't know how this has been on line but run like hell.  I didn't and I have suffered for a lifetime it will never ever end.

[hanginon]

BB I agree with angeldust1, I have been trying to figure all this BPD  relationship stuff out and I suppose there are a select few who make some sort of recovery or something like that... .  but it seems to me at best, the non in the relationship is always the punching bag, always the one that has to "try" to keep things on track in the relationship.  A job the BPD s/o can make a living hell.

Good Luck

Hanginon

[Bulgakov]

The longer the relationship goes on, the harder it will be to leave. In five years, I don't think anything has changed. Just that I cause more problems because I'm exhausted, have no respect for myself, have been completely devalued, can't figure out what to do in any situation because nothing she says is straight forward or real even, as far as I can tell. I can't do the "tell me one thing and mean another" to test me or test how much I care. I'm not a mind reader or a friggin lab rat. So I understand why she gets upset with me lately. But she can't expect me to be okay and ready to fix everything the next day when she has told me to kill myself or that she is going to cheat on me (which barely phases me anymore because she has said it so many times and is probably being truthful). I don't think I can pull myself back into a proper mood and it will only make things worse.

I think with the distance and lesser amount of time you have committed to her, you have an opportunity to walk away. I saw red flags from the beginning, but she was my first serious relationship and I did not understand what these things meant. Now I've signed another lease because everything was okay for a while. They have these ideas about what will make things better, moving in together, marriage, getting off birth control (blocks intake of some vitamins and good stuff that helps with sleep and stress), and kids. I'm pretty sure none of it changes anything.

I apologize for my negativity. I'm in a bad place. Maybe I wish I had walked away in the first year.

[Bikeboy]

I really appreciate everyone's input on this. It's been tough, she's been reaching out constantly and wanting to make things work. Even so much as trying to convince me to move, which I was very firm with and said it would not happen. I've decided to move on with my life without her in it, will I regret my decision? Very likely, but I know what I want in my future and an onslaught of up and downs and a permanent rollar coaster ride is not something I would be content with. I hope everyone finds what will make them happy, as tough as todays decision may be... . down the road it does and will get better if you look out for yourself first.

I once read a quote that has been a strong point for me recently:

"People say I'll take care of you, but I want you to take care of yourself for me, and I will take care of my myself for you". I believe in that quote and I'm sure it will stick by me for the rest of my life.