distorted self images of pwBPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was thinking today how my ex saw her qualities so different from how I experienced them.

She saw herself as easygoing. I didn't experience this.

She saw herself as a good communicator. I experienced a lot of passive aggressiveness, I don't knows, baiting, manipulation etc. I often felt like I was trying to comprehend a foreign language.

She saw herself as very supportive of her partners. I experienced her as inept in basic empathy and simply cold.

She saw herself as a sex goddess/kitten. I wasn't impressed with the physical side. There was no feeling.

She saw herself as feisty. Toddler petulance is not the same as feisty.

I guess a lot of what I saw were words that really meant nothing to her. She "knew" how she wanted people to experience her. She "knew" the words. But, she could not pull off the corresponding behavior.

It was an odd thing to experience. I remember telling my therapist when I looked at her, it was like seeing a ghost or apparition. It was eerie.

[TippyTwo]

I was thinking today how my ex saw her qualities so different from how I experienced them.

She saw herself as easygoing. I didn't experience this.

She saw herself as a good communicator. I experienced a lot of passive aggressiveness, I don't knows, baiting, manipulation etc. I often felt like I was trying to comprehend a foreign language.

She saw herself as very supportive of her partners. I experienced her as inept in basic empathy and simply cold.

She saw herself as a sex goddess/kitten. I wasn't impressed with the physical side. There was no feeling.

She saw herself as feisty. Toddler petulance is not the same as feisty.

I guess a lot of what I saw were words that really meant nothing to her. She "knew" how she wanted people to experience her. She "knew" the words. But, she could not pull off the corresponding behavior.

It was an odd thing to experience. I remember telling my therapist when I looked at her, it was like seeing a ghost or apparition. It was eerie.

[Chazz]

mcauleyan... .  That pretty well sums up my recent ExBPD/N.

Communicating with her was like speaking hieroglyphics to a toddler. No matter how calm or rational I'd be, she'd pull a reversal and paint me blacker than black. She would accuse me of over processing if I dared question her negative assessment of me, or attempt to discuss some cruel thing she had said or done. There was no reasoning with her- EVER. I was an "abusive, dishonest, manipulator" and that, was that, according to her.  

As time went on, and after multiple recycles, I think she sensed how dysfunctional I thought the dynamic between us had become. That was her cue to move on to her next source of narcissistic supply. I was pretty much emotional tapped out by then, and couldn't give her the endless adoration she requires.

My question to myself:  Why did it take me becoming emotionally decimated, and humiliated, for me to catch the BPD/N beat?

I'm slowly, but surely figuring this out, but at what price this lesson.     

[GreenMango]

Having an accurate self assessment of abilities and realistic idea of the  effect of behavior on relationships are 2 of the 4 impairments listed in the criteria.  

Self direction and empathy.  The level of impairment can vary person to person from mild to extreme.  For the disorder it is usually a longstanding pattern across many realms - family, work, romantic, friendship, etc.

[nolisan]

I kind of laugh to myself now when I recall the ex always saying "actions speak loader than words". That was directed at me. I am reasonably good (not perfect) in following through with what I commit to with words. I started to feel that I wasn't (part of "everything was my fault".

Looking back the promises she made could have filled a book - everything from knitting some slippers to staying with me forever. I can count the things she followed through with on 1 or 2 hands.

It must be tough on them when they occasional look at their unfulfilled commitments if they ever do. Subconsciously I am sure it adds to their inventory of deep inter shame and keeps / makes them even sicker.

Today I have compassion for her but no desire to have any further involvement.

[apple]

From my experience, did and does have a distorted view of herself along with reality. She lives in Oz and one day the curtain will come crashing down and reveal the wizard.

[Validation78]

Hi All!

We know that pwBPD have distorted views of themselves.

Hum, do any of us see ourselves differently than others do? Maybe this would be a good time to reflect on that. I know who I am, what I stand for, what is in my heart. However do others see me the same way?

Am I brave enough to find out? Yes, it's part of my recovery, and healing. I want my wrords to match my actions, always!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[babyducks]

Val78,

I am having some difficulty with this.   Just when I think I have untangled my stuff from her stuff (can you say enmeshment) I read or hear something that makes me question my conclusions.   

Do you have any thoughts or helpful links?

babyducks

[Validation78]

Hey Babyd!

I think you are asking about the distorted perceptions that pwBPD have about themselves which is explained, to some extent, here, a part of a workshop on BPD behaviors:

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

I see this as a place where we, as nons, healthy or working on being more healthy, can focus some attention on self improvement in an effort to be sure that what we think about ourselves is what is being put forth to others!

Does that help some?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[leftbehind]

Great post, Val78

[Chazz]

... .  Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships... .  

Val78

B I N G O ! ! ! ! !

This is my Ex to a tee... .  

As long as she was the center of my undivided attention, things were mostly good. If anything - work, friendships, life/house chores, my own needs or health issues, etc. diverted my attention from her, if only briefly, she felt offended, neglected, resentful. She was also weirdly competitive with me. On a number of occasions, she raged at me for MOMENTARILY being the center of attention at gatherings of MY friends, or MY colleagues. She accumulated and stored these resentments, and she would repeatedly trot them out, as proof positive that I was a lousy, neglectful partner.

She once said that she wasn't use to being with a partner she "had to compete with for other people's attention".   On the other hand, I would enjoy sitting back, quietly, and watching her be the center of other people's attention, so this confused me to no end. Now, I'm confused about being confused. How could I not have seen this for what it was - egocentricity ?  In my eagerness to please her at all costs, I blinded myself to the obvious and held myself accountable for her lack of self-esteem. How sick is that?

[Bananas]

... .  Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships... .  

Val78

B I N G O ! ! ! ! !

This is my Ex to a tee... .  

As long as she was the center of my undivided attention, things were mostly good. If anything - work, friendships, life/house chores, my own needs or health issues, etc. diverted my attention from her, if only briefly, she felt offended, neglected, resentful. She was also weirdly competitive with me. On a number of occasions, she raged at me for MOMENTARILY being the center of attention at gatherings of MY friends, or MY colleagues. She accumulated and stored these resentments, and she would repeatedly trot them out, as proof positive that I was a lousy, neglectful partner.

She once said that she wasn't use to being with a partner she "had to compete with for other people's attention".   On the other hand, I would enjoy sitting back, quietly, and watching her be the center of other people's attention, so this confused me to no end. Now, I'm confused about being confused. How could I not have seen this for what it was - egocentricity ?  In my eagerness to please her at all costs, I blinded myself to the obvious and held myself accountable for her lack of self-esteem. How sick is that?

WOW!

Val 78 and Chazz, my ex and me you nailed it!

I work with my ex, while it is awful as I can not have the luxury of NC I have the opportunity to "watch a play" so to speak, to observe him in his environment as a member of the audience and look at him differently now that I have gained knowledge.  My ex was extremely competitive with me, and still is at work.  While I was in the r/s I was blind, now I am starting to see.

Last week at a meeting a co-worker (that my ex has made it clear to the entire office that he dislikes) approached me and asked "hey bananas, how are you doing."  Before I could say anything my ex interrupted and said "what about ME? aren't you going to ask how I am doing?".  In the meeting my boss thanked me for some projects I had done well on in front of the group.  My ex again said "what about ME, what about MY work?".  Although co-workers knew we were friends, no one knows we were in a r/s so it is an interesting scenario.

While I was in the r/s I would have no doubt done whatever to please him.  Probably would have spoke up on his behalf and provided him with the attention he demands.  Not anymore.  I just sat there quietly and observed the look on other people's faces.  After the meeting he sent me a lovely (haha) email saying that I was incompetent at my job and the only reason my unit was productive was because he ran it before me.

[Chazz]

Yes, Bananas, these BINGO moments have a way of slapping us back to reality.

Lest we forget, though, that BPDs tend to be intelligent, manipulative and purveyors of double-talk/think. These things are difficult to see when you're love-blind like we were.

When we take a step or two back, these attitudes and behaviors seem all too obvious.