Absolute panic am too exhausted to carry on

[Cmjo]

I left a year ago. This week moved into a new rented house with kids. The same week they go back to school. Set up my own business this year and am so busy cant cope.

My exBPDh is still so angry and hurt I left, he is playing havoc with my emotions. For the last month no reply to my texts, would not answer the phone, it has been impossible to organise the kids. He refused to come to see a mediator.

Last night I went to pick up kids from his house and went through awful emotional blackmail. the children had not been expecting me, they wanted to stay with him, I felt being cruel taking them away but I have to organise them for school the next day. I tried to talk to him but all I got was aggression. very angry. mhow could I throw away 12 years and a family we had built together. I had abandoned him like a dog. Says i hate him. I just want a new life and a new man. I cant bear it. I was a wreck crying and sobbing. I brought the children home and we ate ice cream, but its awful to see them suffer.

I told him it had become impossible to live with him. He says he has said sorry so why dont I go back. Now I feel maybe I have nonchoice, all the odds are against me he is out to make my life hell, make it impossible to move on. This morning I am at rock bottom and I dont know where to find the strength to get through a hard day at work, finish the house move and be a good mum to the kids. Its chaos. Everything I had thought I had come through is falling apart.

[qwaszx]

  im sorry your going through such a hard time, you and your children deserve better.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, cmjo. 

Do you have some support from friends or family? someone who can go sometimes with you or make a lift for you?

[MessedWith]

I am exhausted from the ongoing trauma of "this BPD stuff" and I am single with no kids, just myself to be responsible for.

So I just want to acknowledge the awe I hold for you members who have to deal with the same/similar BPD fallout that I do, but with the mammoth additional implications of caring for and sharing children with your exBPD partners.  How incredibly difficult it must be for you, I feel so humbled in my struggles.

You are amazing!  Kudos, heart felt love and whatever strength I can spare to you all.

[Lady31]

Ok... .Breathe.

Today is NOT forever.  You ARE making great progress.  All is not lost.  This is a hiccup.  It feels overwhelming right now only because you have so much going on at once.  The move will get finished.  The business will smooth out as you press forward.  He may be being difficult, and you can't control him - but you CAN get through this.  His attempt at control doesn't mean he REALLY controls you.

Your kids are going through this mess, and there are parts of it you just can't spare them.  Their father is ill, and one way or another they are going to suffer.  Whether it's from losing contact with their dad, having limited contact with their dad, or having continued chaos contact.  They lose in some way.  Try to remember that it DOESN'T have to mean that they are permanently damaged.  Try to look at the damage being caused and ways to help heal that (like counseling, etc.).

Don't give up.  If he is refusing to meet the mediator, try to be ok with putting that off and getting other areas wrapped up first, like the move & business that may be behind or on overload.  Then re-address that issue (mediator) when you are in a less stressed place.

Perhaps tell him you are going to put off discussing the mediator for the time being to give you two a little more room.  He may like this thinking his tactics are working and start being more cooperative in other areas while you are getting yourself into a better place to deal with him.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.  It's tough but you can do it.  Prioritize and assess what's on your plate and start planning another route forward.

If you just keep moving forward you WILL eventually get to the other side.  It may not be in the exact manner or time table you thought but that's ok.  Be flexible and try to just keep the goal as GETTING there.  Then - BAM - you will get there.

Be encouraged.  It's going to be ok.

[MammaMia]

cmjo

I know you are torn between what to do for your exBPDh and yourself.  You have been on your own for a year, and, as is so typical of BPD, he is trying to suck you back into BPDland.  I can tell from your post that you are very frustrated and angry at the thought of being recycled.  I suspect you have been there before.

He cannot "blackmail" you into forgiving and forgetting, and he is using your children to hurt you.  That is not right.

Question:  have you been happier living apart?   Do you really believe things will improve for you and your children if you go back to him?  His pattern of abuse  will most likely continue or even get worse, and now he also has the separation to use as a weapon against you in the future.

While only you can decide what is the best course of action, it may be a good idea, if you are not currently in therapy, to seek guidance.  You mentioned a mediator but it is unclear if you have continued self-care. Clearly, your exBPDh has worn you down.  :)o not let him use BPD burnout to further manipulate you.

The bigger question is, "what do YOU want?".  You have choices where he is concerned.  :)eep in your heart if you do not want to be with him, you must stay strong.  

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I hope you can come to a decision that brings comfort and joy to you and your children.  We, here at BPDF want to help. Please keep us posted.  Take care.

[Cmjo]

Thank you for getting me through today. I took a deep breath, it was tough and I am so tired it was hard to deal with three business meetings.

I just felt at the end of the road, that I couldnt go through with it and he would pull me back and maybe that would be best for us in the long run. I managed to get the kids to school quite cheerfully... .and swallowed mynpride and asked if they could sleep with him tonight... .he didnt reply to myntext message but I spoke to the kids after school and they were happy, that gave me some space and I will get an early night.

And mamma mia, your words helped too, I have been happier since I left, not being controlled any more and wondering when things would kick off next.

I might need help with the guilt though, that is a big problem.

I saw a lawyer today too, and hearing that inher opinion me and the kids had been suffering psychological abuse, I felt clearer about my decision again. She pointed out that since their Dad had been treating them better since I left, I had done something useful for them, not just for me. So now I ve got some extra support from her, I do feel stronger. I will finish the move this weekend and buy myself some flowers for the new house!

[Findingmysong723]

Cmjo,

I am an adult now and  my parents got divorced when I was 16 and my brother was 10 or so. It was horrible when it happened, but I survived.

Yes divorce is very hard on kids and everyone around but in the end all your kids really want is for their Mom to be happy! My Mom has remarried and is happier now and I much rather her happy than unhappy with my Dad. I love my Dad so much too, but sacrificing one parents happiness for another is not fair.

You are happier and healthier not being married to their father. They love both of you and in the near future they will see how much better it is to have two parents that do better apart than to have them together but unhappy!

I know you know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear others say it!