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BPDFamily.com
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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
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Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
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Pointless conversations
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Topic: Pointless conversations (Read 671 times)
Nearlybroken
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174
Pointless conversations
«
on:
May 23, 2013, 10:47:39 AM »
Today I came home to find myself locked out of the house.After a few texts asking if I could possibly be let into my own home as an alternative to freezing to death (weather not too good in UK) the door was eventually opened and I got the following: a full list of the times I had hurt him (with dates), a full account of my failings and a comment that he had tried to repair our relationship but I had ruined this with my pettiness and general appalling behaviour.Complete distorted fabrication.I did not react... . simply packed a bag.Whilst packing he attempted to show me a "cute animal" video on his phone and engaged in Facebook chat.I am struggling with this... . he cannot see my point of view and has detached to the point of abject cruelty.I know this sounds blunt but why won't he just take the medication,get more therapy and stop being such a S**t?I have done nothing to deserve this... .
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crystalclear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 155
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #1 on:
May 23, 2013, 10:58:01 AM »
Hi Nearlybroken - i am so sorry for your worries... . (I understand UK's unpredictable weather)
Is he your husband or BF? I am asking since you seem to be living together... . Just keep calm and do something to relax. I hope being with him is not harmful, just take care of yourself. Safety first, so do not do anything at this moment to make him furious.
I can completely understand how this person can disregard your goodness and happiness. But nothing we do will make them happy as they keep wanting more all the time. They do not want to believe that they need therapy, and will simply go to any extent to turn the blame to you for their behavior.
Is there no other place where you could move to? Like your close friends or family?
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Lucky Jim
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #2 on:
May 23, 2013, 05:15:58 PM »
Hi Nearlybroken, I've been in your shoes and understand your feelings entirely. When my uBPDexW would drink heavily at night and get belligerent, I used to take walks just to get out of the house. Many times I returned to find the house dark and locked, to the point where I kept an overnight bag with a change of clothes in my car. Not fun, I can tell you. No, you don't deserve this. Time to detach and move on? I echo CrystalClear: is there somewhere you could go, at least on a temporary basis, to take a break and figure things out? Hang in there, Lucky Jim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Nearlybroken
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #3 on:
May 24, 2013, 05:18:24 AM »
He is my long term partner and we live together.I just cannot handle the fact that he is normal to everyone else yet I am on the receiving end of such abuse.He is utterly dismissive of me... . today I returned home to find he had left with the my car keys.As I had to take the car into the garage I tried to call him.He let the phone ring off a few times,hung up on me and then when he picked up the phone wouldn't speak as he was "busy".I sent him a text message (one of many I have sent in an attempt to communicate) saying I didnt want to be in a situation where I was bringing negativity into anyone's life so I thought this should be the time when I left for good.Response ":)o whatever you want".I sruggle to understand how I am in this situation... . to be so cruelly ignored at every turn.I feel... . well... . weak.
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Clearmind
Retired Staff
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5537
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #4 on:
May 24, 2013, 05:40:46 AM »
Don't engage in circular arguments Nearlybroken and boundaries are needed here.
Are you undecided about this relationship?
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123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #5 on:
May 24, 2013, 05:54:05 AM »
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 24, 2013, 05:18:24 AM
I sent him a text message (one of many I have sent in an attempt to communicate) saying I didnt want to be in a situation where I was bringing negativity into anyone's life so I thought this should be the time when I left for good.Response ":)o whatever you want".I sruggle to understand how I am in this situation... . to be so cruelly ignored at every turn.I feel... . well... . weak.
Nearlybroken, it sounds like you're giving your strength and power over to him, then looking to him to return it to you.
Do you think this should be the time when you leave for good? If so, the decision is completely yours to make = strength to do what you feel is best and the power to make it happen.
If you're looking to him to make it all better, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed time and time again. And if you're not really serious about leaving, it's probably best not to insinuate you're going to.
As Clearmind mentioned-- Boundaries are needed.
Do you intend to leave this relationship?
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DarkCurls54
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 50
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #6 on:
May 24, 2013, 06:38:29 AM »
Thank you ALL for reminding me and jolting me out of my nostalgia! One time, I arrived early for one of his gigs and he threw a hissy fit because he didn't have a dressing room and had to change his sneakers in the middle of the performance hall. I was just supposed to "know" not to approach... . UGH! UGH! UGH! This is why I LOVE these Boards... . because when I find myself starting to miss him, I can turn to these posts and remember that I only miss PARTS of him... . UGH!
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Nearlybroken
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #7 on:
May 24, 2013, 12:36:53 PM »
Thank you all for your comments... . I left as I know that this is the best thing to do for me.I have spent so long at the hands of his illness and I know that I have empowered him by trying to do and say the "right" thing.But in my defence I was ignorant of BPD (little provision in UK for people like me) I have also had the tears,panic attacks and vulnerable side.I am a caring person and reasoned that I wouldn't leave him if he had been diagnosed with a physical ailment.But this is so much harder to deal with.And I also love him(the man he was not who he is now).It is difficult because we are so financially and socially "tied up".I have tried to set boundaries but they are disregarded.Though in my heart I am undecided about our relationship my head is telling me I had to go.I just wish things were different.
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Clearmind
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5537
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #8 on:
May 24, 2013, 05:03:54 PM »
Boundaries:
If he yells at you - leave the room, if he follows, leave the house - there must be consequences for bad behaviour.
If he accuses and blames: Don't engage, don't react, simply respond "If you continue to blame and accuse I will leave the house until you can stop".
What boundaries have you tried to use and what were you protecting?
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Nearlybroken
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 174
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #9 on:
May 25, 2013, 09:18:51 AM »
Clearmind,I have to be honest and say that I out very few boundaries in place... . and those I did put in place were totally over ridden by him.I have tried to protect myself from the BPD but have failed miserably to do so.He simply will not see my point of view and reacts with a total lack of empathy to me.I am not a strong person and find it difficult to speak up for myself at the best of times.Ironic really given that he constantly says I try to control him.For the past few months it has all been about him... . hypothetical now I guess because this morning he terminated all contact with me.
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miglet
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 10
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #10 on:
June 12, 2013, 04:59:21 PM »
Nearlybroken, you are describing the conversations I have been having for years with my husband, even tonight I have been under fire because I told him last week that we were over, after yet another drunken uncontrolled attack (He knows he should stay away from alcohol) and apparently because it was me that said it I have broken our marriage. The violence, the abuse, the fact that he's been sleeping with our housemate for 2 1/2 years whilst I ran the home and looked after our daughter, as well as working when he wouldn't, well all that was irrelevant apparently. Make your decision and stick with it honey, it's taken me 13 years and I regret almost every single day of it.
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schwing
Retired Staff
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3618
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #11 on:
June 12, 2013, 09:13:03 PM »
Hi Nearlybroken,
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 25, 2013, 09:18:51 AM
Clearmind,I have to be honest and say that I out very few boundaries in place... . and those I did put in place were totally over ridden by him.I have tried to protect myself from the BPD but have failed miserably to do so.
If he does not respect your boundaries, he is either incapable or unwilling to respect your boundaries. You cannot make him do something he cannot or chooses not to do.
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 25, 2013, 09:18:51 AM
He simply will not see my point of view and reacts with a total lack of empathy to me... . Ironic really given that he constantly says I try to control him. For the past few months it has all been about him... .
You might consider that what he is doing is choosing to live in the delusion that you are the source of his problems. He accuses you of controlling him, when it is he who is controlling you, that is called projection.
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 23, 2013, 10:47:39 AM
Today I came home to find myself locked out of the house.After a few texts asking if I could possibly be let into my own home as an alternative to freezing to death (weather not too good in UK) the door was eventually opened and I got the following: a full list of the times I had hurt him (with dates), a full account of my failings and a comment that he had tried to repair our relationship but I had ruined this with my pettiness and general appalling behaviour.Complete distorted fabrication.
Whenever he experiences his disordered feelings of abandonment, he chooses to project them on to you. He documents all such occasions. You see, from his distorted perspective, if you are the source of his failings, then he is absolved.
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 23, 2013, 10:47:39 AM
he cannot see my point of view and has detached to the point of abject cruelty.I know this sounds blunt but why won't he just take the medication,get more therapy and stop being such a S**t?I have done nothing to deserve this... .
If he takes medication, gets therapy, then that means at some level he accepts that he has a problem. If he chooses not to accept that he has a problem, and he also chooses not to anesthetize this painful (for him) realization with drugs, alcohol or some other kind of self-gratification, then he only has you as his means of self-relief from this difficulty. And so he chooses to see you as his problem. But in order to maintain this delusion, he also needs to keep you around... . just enough.
Best wishes, Schwing
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TXwoman
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married 30 years
Posts: 88
Re: Pointless conversations
«
Reply #12 on:
June 16, 2013, 01:52:02 AM »
Quote from: Nearlybroken on May 24, 2013, 12:36:53 PM
Thank you all for your comments... . I left as I know that this is the best thing to do for me.I have spent so long at the hands of his illness and I know that I have empowered him by trying to do and say the "right" thing.But in my defence I was ignorant of BPD (little provision in UK for people like me) I have also had the tears,panic attacks and vulnerable side.I am a caring person and reasoned that I wouldn't leave him if he had been diagnosed with a physical ailment.But this is so much harder to deal with.And I also love him(the man he was not who he is now).It is difficult because we are so financially and socially "tied up".I have tried to set boundaries but they are disregarded.Though in my heart I am undecided about our relationship my head is telling me I had to go.I just wish things were different.
Wow, your entire post fits my relationship and my feelings to a T- I know hoe hard it is to make those tough decisions. I applaud you for making it. I have been on the fence for 7 years! Married to BPDh 33 years! We are financially tied up too, but, I guess most people are. I keep getting pulled back by a memory of something sweet Or nice that he did- there have been a lot over 33 yrs, but in the last 7 years the scale has tipped to "good" 15% of time and no relationship/ communication 85%. Not really worth putting up with the emotional abuse for that. Our kids don't even want to come home- BPDh in one room, me in the other- tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Maybe your story will give me the strength to make a decision to finally break away. Oh, I also dread/fear that conversation so much- he'll either rage or cry - not looking forward to either.
Much luck to you, nearly broke
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