Revisionist Historian

[Ker2See]

My uBPDm seems to recount historical events with a twist that justifies her behavior.  Often, details are added or omitted.  Is this typically intentional or is this how BPs tend to "remember" events?

[Kwamina]

Hi Ker2See 

I think it's a bit of both. In my experience people with BPD can be very manipulative and often like you say add or omit details on purpose. But I've also noticed that BPDs process things differently and that can sometimes also explain why they remember things differently. I've also read that their extreme behavior and outburst might actually be damaging their own brains. Everyone is different of course but when my own BPD relatives give a twisted account of events, 99 out of a 100 times they do this to manipulate, so they can get away with whatever they've done. Their use of half truths is often very convincing if you've never experienced how they really are.

[isshebpd]

I believe it is largely unintentional. I once read an article that stated BPDs could pass lie detector tests on their revisionist history. There are a number of articles and discussions on the internet about BPDs and revisionist history.

Myself, I'm coming to terms with unresolved childhood traumas remaining unresolved. If my uBPDmom can't accurately remember details from a few months ago (with witnesses to back me up, if I wanted), then I better not discuss ancient history with her. To do so will traumatize me even more because I'll start to doubt my own sanity and memory.

[nomom4me]

I've seen my mom lie when she is on the defensive, it would be one thing if she could own up to it and maybe apologize (hah) but what my mom cannot do is admit when she is wrong, she will knowingly perpetuate lies and has asked me to go along with her lies.  I think she is very isolated, fears rejections and I can empathize - I get isolated and fear rejection too, but I don't have a smear campaign going against her. I can see the humor in some of her lies, because sometimes she flat out sounds ridiculous but I can't feel sorry for her when many of these lies are about me, at a point it becomes campaigning and I can't feel sorry for someone who puts so much effort into discrediting me in the interest of making herself seem innocent.

I've had health problems for years that my mom has ignored, she will literally wait years before offering any assistance and it's always conditional.  She has said she was always looking out for my health and I had to correct her, we were talking about a specific incident - I was in a car accident as a teen and years passed before she took any interest in the resulting injuries -  she only took me to one Dr. appointment (a Dr she chose based on his religious beliefs).  I corrected her on the timing, she heard this as an assault and recalls that conversation as being "put in my (her) place".  My tone was nowhere near as imperial as hers, I did not chastise her I simply corrected the date. I do think my mom realizes that she has ignored my health and she might even feel bad about it, but her fear of others seeing her as a bad mother trumps guilt.

I don't think she realizes how ridiculous she sounds.  She also seems to think other people forget things as easily (and conveniently) as she does.  I don't think she will ever stop lying, it's a defense mechanism - I can see that.  If she was only lying to me it would be one thing, but she tells the lies over and over until history really is revised. 

[boppy]

The BPD in my life doesn't remember ANYTHING.

And yes, her versions completely exonerate everything.

It's so incredible. I mean--total amnesia, particularly of any episodes.

I don't think it is lying. But it is very strange.

I have this terrible tendency to bring up past events that have completely vanished. This is basically for consistency for her sake. Also, when she accuses me of things that aren't true/never happened.

For example, she is convinced her drinking is OK when absolutely awful things have happened as a result.

This makes her completely nuts for a very long time. But she then doesn't even remember me bringing them up.

I was primarily doing it so she would come to realize she is ill and needs help.

But it is a terrible mistake. I think it really backfires to ever confront them with the truth. But it is hard when they massively distort.

I'm trying to think of what to say when I am being accused of something I didn't do or it is horribly distorted and I guess I'll say "that's not the way it happened." But not go into details.

[Islandgrl]

Hi all

I know that a lot of the books say that BPDs genuinely don't remember but my uBPD mom does seem to be able to remember when she wants to.  If she is getting a negative reaction of if she perceives a negative response, then it's all rubbish and she will scornfully insist that something  never happened even, in extreme cases, when I happened an hour or so ago. Other times, if she thinks she'll get a favourable response, she will remember it as it happened.  So in her case,I think it's like a child who lies in order to avoid the consequences of her actions, the truth simply doesn't mean anything to the child at that age or to the BPD sometimes at any age.

[mcdoogle]

My BPD grandmother told lies every single day. Just weird little lies that didn't even matter. Like "I saw George at the store today" when she hadn't. But then she would also relate past events with such absurd versions of the truth. It was awful and one of the reasons I went NC.

My uBPD mother seems to be doing the same. Even in the same conversation she will accuse me of saying something earlier that I would NEVER utter to her. If we get into any discussion about who said what or did what in the past, I just drop it. Even if I had a recording of the event she wouldn't believe it.

[cleotokos]

Mcdoogle, my uBPD mom often tells me I've said strange things that I would never say. Ie. "you said you didn't want to live in an apartment because all apartments are full of crackheads". Um, say what now? I would never say something so ridiculous! But she'll defend it to the death, refusing to even entertain the idea that she might have misinterpreted or misheard something. Sometimes (a lot of the time) it feels like it's just a game to her, like she thrives on seeing me get all riled up about it. Is it a lie? Is she confused? Most of the time I'm genuinely not sure. A lot of the time I know she truly does forget things, which is very annoying to me. I think we may have had a conversation where I said I didn't want to live in a specific neighbourhood, with a lot of apartment buildings, because there are a lot of drug addicts in the area. I'll try to suggest such things to her but she's very adamant that I've said whatever bizarre thing she believes I've said. It seems such a small thing but it's these constant power struggles of whether I'm going to allow her to dictate reality that I can't stand lately, and have caused me to go LC. I feel she does it for the drama and conflict, but I'm not sure how conscious she is of it - I think she may actually have convinced herself that I said all apartments are full of junkies!

[cleotokos]

Forgot to add, she often forgets things she's said... . then when I bring that up, she'll tell me that I do it too, for example I forgot I said all apartments are full of junkies. HA! Then when I disagree with her about whether I said that, she'll say well I accuse her of saying things she didn't say too (all those things she says that she then forgets). It's totally crazy-making, and sometimes, for a minute, I wonder if I really am just as crazy as her!

[mcdoogle]

It's totally crazy-making, and sometimes, for a minute, I wonder if I really am just as crazy as her!

THIS! In my late 20s when I moved back to the same town as my mom and started to spend a lot of time with her, I thought I was going crazy. My mom has only recently been really acting like a pwBPD but the revisionist history has been going on a long time. I had no idea she might really be mentally ill, so I pinned it on me. She was so sure that something happened one way and I thought it was another. I had convinced myself that I was delusional (I was suffering from some severe work stress and thought I was literally losing it). When I met my now-husband and he started seeing this happen, he assured me that he remembered things the way I did - or at least closer to my version (everyone is going to remember things slightly differently of course).

It's only been recently that I have really just come to accept this as part of the whole issue. I used to fantasize about recording all my conversations with her just to have the chance of proving her wrong at some future date. But as others have pointed out on this thread, it's not worth it. She truly believes what she remembers (could pass a lie detector test no problem!) and being corrected will only be me attacking her.

I'm not sure if it's intentional or not. I like what Islandgrl said - like a young child. Frequently when she is throwing a fit, I comment about how I have to deal with TWO toddlers - my mom and my daughter!

[cleotokos]

When I met my now-husband and he started seeing this happen, he assured me that he remembered things the way I did - or at least closer to my version (everyone is going to remember things slightly differently of course).

I only wish there were witnesses in my case - seems it's usually just me and her when she mis-remembers things! Or, it's something SO trivial and insignificant that others don't remember at all what was said.

I used to fantasize about recording all my conversations with her just to have the chance of proving her wrong at some future date.

ME TOO! Haha!

[Santa Clara]

My BPBmum is a brilliantly convincing liar.  She so good at those half truths, it is very difficult to ever know when she is telling the truth or not, about anything.

Does she know she is doing this?  Good question.  I think sometimes she knows and sometimes she doesn't.

A couple of years ago when she was busy re-telling a 'funny' story that supposedly higlighted my ignorance about something, I said to her 'Mum, you do realize I didn't say that?'.  She then looked at me, enjoying my suffering and said something along the lines of 'well, it was something like that, I don't really remember exactly' and then she laughed.  It looked to me as though she knew without a doubt that she was manipulating the truth for a 'good story'. 

So, long story short, I think sometimes they do know they are lying.  Othertimes I think they convince themselves of their own lies so they lose track of what is true or false.

[Levi78]

The way my mother talks, you'd think she had the luckiest kids ever... . YIKES.

I'm very thankful for my older brother! He was a real witness to my childhood, just as I was a witness to much of his. Without him, I might doubt the reality of how bad things really were.