Family Struggles

[dancer56]

My mother is an undiagnosed BPD and it has caused me a lot of issues in my life even though I have little to no contact with her anymore.

My mother and father got divorced when I was three and we moved to another town. My mom gained full custody and would always manipulate me as a child so that I would never see my dad. She painted an extremely distorted picture of him and made it seem like he would hurt me in some way if I visited him. Obviously being so small I didn't think she would not be telling the truth.

She remarried to my step-dad when I was six and he was a wonderful man- they unfortunately got divorced when I was 10 or 11 and the same situation happened again. I was convinced so easily that my step-father and step-brother were basically evil and I never saw them anymore.

When I was 14, my step-father was killed and when I was 16 my father committed suicide.

I began to sneak out of the house when I was about 15 to meet up with my older step-brother. We would just have dinner or go hang out with his family and they are truly remarkable people.

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 17, and began connecting with my father's family when I was 19. Upon meeting them- which was brand new to me since they hadn't seen me since I was a toddler- I discovered that my father was a wonderful man that was distraught by wreckage my mother had caused in his life.

The guilt of never saying anything to either of them before they passed is so immense sometimes- and the anger I feel towards my mother at causing the destruction of my relationship with these two men who tried their hardest with her is a fury. I have since moved out of the same town as my mother because that was even too much to bear. I know that my relationship with her is going to be a struggle for the entirety of my life, but I have no idea how to begin to come to terms with all that has happened, and how evident it is that her manipulation and devious tactics caused it. There is no discussing it with her-even though she insists upon it. How on earth can I possibly forgive this? I am not sure that even attempting a relationship is even worth all the pain it causes. Simply having a phone conversation with her is excruciating. I just don't even know what to do with this woman.

[jrx]

My exBPDgf has a uBPD mother and an abusive father. She cut all ties with them for three years. Only when her mom admitted she had a problem and started to take steps towards becoming a healthier person (meds in her case), she resumed contact.

She says she's forgiven her mom, which I believe to an extent. My ex has been diagnosed with PTSD, so forgiveness is only half the struggle. But conversations between the two of them are fraught with... . emotional complexity. Her family is full of tragedy and drama, no doubt (perhaps not directly caused, but certainly) influenced by the turmoil BPD creates.

Forgiveness came at a later stage than building up her own identity, figuring out what was really important to her, and coming up with a plan for achieving it. Several therapists helped her with these steps before she was able to revisit her relationship.

I feel for your anger. Space, taking care of myself (see article in right column) and as much non-contact as possible has helped me cope with the aftermath of emotional violence.

[Cordelia]

The guilt of never saying anything to either of them before they passed is so immense sometimes- and the anger I feel towards my mother at causing the destruction of my relationship with these two men who tried their hardest with her is a fury... . How on earth can I possibly forgive this? I am not sure that even attempting a relationship is even worth all the pain it causes.

Unfortunately what you describe is all too common in families where there is a BPD.  My sister went through much the same thing, being genuinely frightened of my dad and thinking he would harm her until she was well into her twenties.  (My mom put me in the same category as my dad so my experience was a bit different.)  You are not at fault for what happened!  I hope reading some of the stories here and seeing how a BPD parent turning some family members against others through lies and manipulation is unfortunately so common an experience among members here will show you that this behavior is a symptom of the disease and not the result of anything you did.  There is no way you could have realistically prevented this behavior, or seen it for what it was, at the age you describe, in the circumstances you describe.  I hope you can let go of the guilt.  It might help to talk with a therapist about all this.  Hopefully seeing others' stories will go a long way to convincing you that these events were out of your control as well.  It's really sad that unrelated circumstances took your father and stepfather away from you before you could resolve things with them.  I'm sorry for your many losses.   

As far as forgiveness goes or building some sort of positive healthy relationship with your mother, that seems like it might be down the road a bit.  There's no need to rush that part.  It will happen when it happens.  And if it doesn't, that's okay too.  The first step is to separate what was your responsibility in your relationship from what was hers, and to genuinely let go of trying to make her anything other than what she is.  It sounds like right now it may not be the right time to be in touch with her or try to work things out with her.  Asking a BPD to accept responsibility for their past actions and talk through their effects on someone else is like asking water to run uphill.  If you put the brakes on this effort, it will free up a lot of energy to try other ways of understanding and coming to terms with the past that are not as difficult. 

Glad you found us here... . I think participating here will be very helpful to you... .