Why are so many of us devastated by our breakup with a BPDso.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I believe I did not walk away because I was getting what I needed on a "core" level.  I was however allowing myself to be devalued, criticized and verbally abused in order to get my core level fix.

I allowed him to devalue, criticize, and verbally abuse me and in return he gave me what I needed.  What was it that I needed so badly that I would make that kind of deal?

I say it wasn't what we needed but what we were used to; we put up with it because it felt familiar.  What we needed and wanted was love, and either got it in our youth, found ways around the imposed conditions to get it, got something posing as 'love' which was actually abuse, or whatever, and the dynamic of our relationship with our BPD echoed that.  We either get love functionally or dysfunctionally, and now we have a choice.

There is nothing I can do for someone who cant respect me, and I cant be with someone who cant.

Hallelujah!

[fromheeltoheal]

I believe I did not walk away because I was getting what I needed on a "core" level.  I was however allowing myself to be devalued, criticized and verbally abused in order to get my core level fix.

I allowed him to devalue, criticize, and verbally abuse me and in return he gave me what I needed.  What was it that I needed so badly that I would make that kind of deal?

I say it wasn't what we needed but what we were used to; we put up with it because it felt familiar.  What we needed and wanted was love, and either got it in our youth, found ways around the imposed conditions to get it, got something posing as 'love' which was actually abuse, or whatever, and the dynamic of our relationship with our BPD echoed that.  We either get love functionally or dysfunctionally, and now we have a choice.

There is nothing I can do for someone who cant respect me, and I cant be with someone who cant.

Hallelujah!

[Octoberfest]

I come from a, relatively speaking, great FOO.  Parents never divorced, no abuse one way or another, and very good morals concerning honesty, integrity, and honor instilled in me. 

Thinking about all of this... . I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that I stayed with her and put up and suffered it as long as I did.  I was in denial.  I saw this person who was always sweet and loving and playful, who I spent all my time with, who I loved with all my heart, and who was supposedly cheating on me.  And even when I caught her red handed, I found a way to reason through it (NOT in a good way) and move forward with her.  I tortured myself by staying with her.  My family knew it, my friends knew it, they all tried to come to my aid, and I pushed them all away.  I honestly feel sick about it.  I know the guy she is with now (this is all the past month), he is a good guy from my experience with him.  I have given people advice on here about the whole issue of "feeling like I am all sad and down while they are happy as can be" and "I must've not been good enough she is off with someone else already, and it started while we were together even", but I suffer from those exact same doubts as well.  I think beyond anything, it is knowing she has SOMEONE while I do not.  And I know that I am just trying to fill the gap that she left, and trying to do it hastily isn't going to work out well or be healthy, but god it hurts.

I think it has been mentioned, but I think I got so close to her because she was the first person I ever TRULY opened up to.  I hide a lot of myself behind an exterior which doesn't really accurately reflect who I am at heart, and she is the only one to have seen the real deal.

[fromheeltoheal]

I come from a, relatively speaking, great FOO.  Parents never divorced, no abuse one way or another, and very good morals concerning honesty, integrity, and honor instilled in me.  

Thinking about all of this... . I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that I stayed with her and put up and suffered it as long as I did.  I was in denial.  I saw this person who was always sweet and loving and playful, who I spent all my time with, who I loved with all my heart, and who was supposedly cheating on me.  And even when I caught her red handed, I found a way to reason through it (NOT in a good way) and move forward with her.  I tortured myself by staying with her.  My family knew it, my friends knew it, they all tried to come to my aid, and I pushed them all away.  I honestly feel sick about it.  I know the guy she is with now (this is all the past month), he is a good guy from my experience with him.  I have given people advice on here about the whole issue of "feeling like I am all sad and down while they are happy as can be" and "I must've not been good enough she is off with someone else already, and it started while we were together even", but I suffer from those exact same doubts as well.  I think beyond anything, it is knowing she has SOMEONE while I do not.  And I know that I am just trying to fill the gap that she left, and trying to do it hastily isn't going to work out well or be healthy, but god it hurts.

I think it has been mentioned, but I think I got so close to her because she was the first person I ever TRULY opened up to.  I hide a lot of myself behind an exterior which doesn't really accurately reflect who I am at heart, and she is the only one to have seen the real deal.

You're opening up to us and showing us the real deal, so kudos for that, and it's growth maybe?

Remind yourself that a pwBPD is never, and I mean never, truly happy and content, not for more than fleeting moments anyway, and the new guy will get cycled through the disorder and spit out the other side just like you did.  And it's not her fault she has the disorder, but it's called disordered for a reason, and your family and friends all saw it too.

You didn't ask me for advice, but the best thing you can do is learn as much as you can about yourself right now, it would be a waste of pain otherwise, and in time you won't think about her, be over the loss, and be more equipped to enter a healthy relationship.  Maybe everything that happens to us actually happens for us?

[caughtnreleased]

I think it has been mentioned, but I think I got so close to her because she was the first person I ever TRULY opened up to.  I hide a lot of myself behind an exterior which doesn't really accurately reflect who I am at heart, and she is the only one to have seen the real deal.

Why do you think you chose this one, incredibly hurt (sick) person who is clearly not trustworthy to open up to? 

I also did some major opening up like never before with my BPDex and am searching for answers as to why of all people I chose him. Mirroring? He opened up to me, and I to him... . But I'm not satisfied with this as an answer.  In general, I'm afraid of trusting people and opening up to them.  I hadn't let anyone get close to me in 4 years due to a really bad breakup and a bit of a life crisis.  I thought I had healed, and was a healthier person, but never felt a convincingly strong connection to someone until I met my BPDex.  My head was spinning.  I did put the breaks on pretty quickly and he moved on, but I am now looking for answers as to why, if I am so protective and guarded, I had such an intense connection with someone like him.  He told me he had BPD.  If he hadn't I may not have read all the horror stories about it and could have gotten caught up in the game.  It was so hard for me to pull back... . Or am I really just normal... . and they can connect deeply with pretty much anyone/thing on this planet?

[leftbehind]

I am now looking for answers as to why, if I am so protective and guarded, I had such an intense connection with someone like him. 

me too.  then when he left I was devastated.

[fromheeltoheal]

Why do you think you chose this one, incredibly hurt (sick) person who is clearly not trustworthy to open up to?  

I also did some major opening up like never before with my BPDex and am searching for answers as to why of all people I chose him. Mirroring? He opened up to me, and I to him... . But I'm not satisfied with this as an answer.  In general, I'm afraid of trusting people and opening up to them.  I hadn't let anyone get close to me in 4 years due to a really bad breakup and a bit of a life crisis.  I thought I had healed, and was a healthier person, but never felt a convincingly strong connection to someone until I met my BPDex.  My head was spinning.  I did put the breaks on pretty quickly and he moved on, but I am now looking for answers as to why, if I am so protective and guarded, I had such an intense connection with someone like him.  He told me he had BPD.  If he hadn't I may not have read all the horror stories about it and could have gotten caught up in the game.  It was so hard for me to pull back... . Or am I really just normal... . and they can connect deeply with pretty much anyone/thing on this planet?

Remember that BPD is an attachment disorder; they MUST attach to someone to feel whole, and depending on the severity, they can cease to exist entirely in their own head if they don't connect to someone.  It's a matter of life or death, so they get very good at it.  And since their goal is to attach to someone to make themselves whole, like a baby is connected to its mother, which was the genesis of the disorder, by definition there are no boundaries.  That's one of the tasks for us moving forward, creating and reinforcing healthy boundaries, since I at least completely let them down way too early and in the face of many red flags with my BPD ex.  Live and learn, with emphasis on the learn.

[caughtnreleased]

Remember that BPD is an attachment disorder; they MUST attach to someone to feel whole, and depending on the severity, they can cease to exist entirely in their own head if they don't connect to someone.  It's a matter of life or death, so they get very good at it.  And since their goal is to attach to someone to make themselves whole, like a baby is connected to its mother, which was the genesis of the disorder, by definition there are no boundaries.  That's one of the tasks for us moving forward, creating and reinforcing healthy boundaries, since I at least completely let them down way too early and in the face of many red flags with my BPD ex.  Live and learn, with emphasis on the learn.

I did not know that about their ceasing to exist. That's a good reminder.

Also, does it mean that ANYONE (healthy, emotionally strong people included) is susceptible to being sucked in, ie: "love bombed" and have that same head spinning intimacy/connection, however not everyone is susceptible to stay once the devaluation starts?  Being with someone with BPD and then reading all about it made me realize that (as I had long suspected but never openly admitted to myself) my mother had been verbally abusive when I was growing up, and my past relationships had been unhealthy as I had not established healthy boundaries.  However, since my BPDex told me he had BPD essentially during the idealization phase, I put the brakes on (established boundaries) and never really saw the devaluation phase. If devaluation ever happened, I wasn't around to see it as he had moved on to someone else, and I was left questioning whether I was right to have established those boundaries.

[fromheeltoheal]

Also, does it mean that ANYONE (healthy, emotionally strong people included) is susceptible to being sucked in, ie: "love bombed" and have that same head spinning intimacy/connection, however not everyone is susceptible to stay once the devaluation starts?  Being with someone with BPD and then reading all about it made me realize that (as I had long suspected but never openly admitted to myself) my mother had been verbally abusive when I was growing up, and my past relationships had been unhealthy as I had not established healthy boundaries.  However, since my BPDex told me he had BPD essentially during the idealization phase, I put the brakes on (established boundaries) and never really saw the devaluation phase. If devaluation ever happened, I wasn't around to see it as he had moved on to someone else, and I was left questioning whether I was right to have established those boundaries.

Good for you, for getting out when you did; consider it healthy.  Less healthy people like me ignored a boatload of red flags, and emotionally healthy people would never do that.  BPD's have good radar for tenderhearted rescuers and such, and wouldn't get very far wirh emotionally strong people.  Again, consider your actions healthy.

[Healing4Ever]

However, since my BPDex told me he had BPD essentially during the idealization phase, I put the brakes on (established boundaries) and never really saw the devaluation phase. If devaluation ever happened, I wasn't around to see it as he had moved on to someone else, and I was left questioning whether I was right to have established those boundaries.

Unhooking: Setting of healthy boundaries with my uBPDex was what I wasn't willing to do because some part of me knew that he would leave.  I stayed around for 7 years, because of my own insecurities and the hook of BPD idealizing, and the r/s ended when I finally set the boundaries I needed to.  This is when he left.  And he will stay gone unless I relent and tell him I love him and let's just move on and forget everything that happened.  It's been a hellish ride - and I can only imagine I would have saved myself a huge pile of grief if I had just set those boundaries earlier.  I knew within just a couple of months that something wasn't right.  It's true - without your boundary, your ex may have hung around longer, but at what cost to you?  I admire your boundary-setting - I'm still learning!

H4E

[Bach Cantatas]

Exposing oneself to an infectious disease is one way of studying microbiology. People do not consciously and knowingly volunteer to be a part of such research when they have immune system deficiencies unless they are self-destructive. I'm not self-destructive... . It's unethical, and usually illegal, to seduce, manipulate, "love bomb" unwitting individuals into volunteering for treatments that are harmful to them. That is precisely what my EXBPD partner did. She always had a private agenda cranking away in her head.

We spend a great deal of time at this site looking at BPD from a psychological point of view. That's fine and interesting. I get it; I work in that field. But there is another component to this that rarely gets discussed or acknowledged. That is the absence of moral imperatives and conscience in many BPD individuals. There was in my partner.

I'm not a religious person, so it's not about that kind of morality for me. But, I am a kind and and ethical person - at least I strive to be. It's been the complete absence of ethical/moral imperatives on the part of my EX that have been the most troubling to me. At times, I was literally looking "evil" in the eye when she went into one of her deregulated rants. I cannot imagine saying or doing the cruel, contempt-laden things to my worst enemy (if I had any), that she has said and done to me. 

I work with the issue of conscience a lot with my clients. There are those who learn "good behavior" by rote - simplistic consequential thinking. Others, actually develop a conscience. The ones who develop a conscience fair much better in the long run. Until, and if, that happens, the people closest to them are well advised not to fall into the trap of reading the "bad behaviors" as strictly a mental health problems. That can be a built in pass for the absence of conscience. I know that my EX's soul was deeply damaged through no fault of her own. I will never understand why that didn't matter to her. And yes, I believe in their heart of hearts, individuals with BPD know this about themselves. They make the choice to move on to the next "host" rather than do the "work" to put their souls to "right". That is a moral, as well as a psychological, issue.         

You have encapsulated much of what I too struggle to grasp. I partially accept that people suffering BPD are mentally hindered (and I also accept that I have "Co-Dependent" issues which assisted the relationship) but I also feel that I spotted an overriding of moral boundaries which were accepted by the woman in my BPD relationship. She was susceptible to the allure of power and was wary of challenging those with it. I feel she could recognise what might be in her best interests, and she would act accordingly. Such examples as I noted were in fields far from her emotional life and often concerned with career or self advancement. I also witnessed (in my ignorance of BPD at the time) what I believe were genuine fears of abandonment which obviously stemmed from her mental processes. I think the whole area is fascinating and would love to hear of others experiences and feelings if only to find something further and more positive from my experience.

[mrclear]

Check this out : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200618.0

However rationally explained... . , it still hurts. The good thing about this is that we are processing. We are in touch with our feelings and emotions and we are actively healing. That's something a Borderliner is desperately trying to avoid. Allow the pain! Be sad, devastated, hurt... . , etc. It's necessary for healing. However, don't neglect your personal well-being. I found it helpful to slowly re-attach to friends. Talk, write and seek help when it gets too much. We're all in the same boat. Posting here and reading about others helps put things into perspective.

Things will get better. Life is good if you allow it to be 

mrclear

[Billa]

I am now looking for answers as to why, if I am so protective and guarded, I had such an intense connection with someone like him. 

me too.  then when he left I was devastated.

that's the same for me. And I'm still devastated. I can't accept what has happened, not yet.