What's Your Lemonade?

[Ker2See]

My sister and I, as well as many other adult children of BPDm's, spend a lot of time recounting our negative experiences, complaining about the BPD in the family, analyzing situations, etc.  Although much of this is therapeutic and can be healthy to a certain extent, I take a bit of comfort in evaluating the good that came out of having a BPD parent.

Despite many of the negative aspects of my childhood and tolerating the splitting, raging, lying, etc. into my adulthood, I have been able to identify some beams of light.  In spite of all of this, I am who I am.  And because I am who I am, I have enjoyed more than 20 years of marital bliss with the most wonderful woman that God has ever created.  Second, by the grace of God, my wife and I have raised four wonderful children.

Although I, myself, am not BP, I do have a tendency to exhibit the BPD behavior that I learned growing up.  My wife helps keep me in check, and together, I believe we have been able to break any heredity cycle associated with BPD.  I'm not saying we're perfect.  And Lord knows, we, as a family, have acquiesced to our BP's rages, demands, etc. in order to keep the peace.  However, we have all learned a great deal through all of it.

Of course, there have been miserable times dealing with our BPDm, but finding some positive that has come of it helps to at least take a break from some of the bitterness and resentment.

[mcdoogle]

Interesting topic.

While I believe now that my mom has always had BPD, it seems to only exhibit under severe stress. Raising kids was stressful but her "freak outs" where always sparked by something and not out of the blue. She just went way farther than other moms might have. But she always had the drive and perfectionism. Because of that, she got things done! It shocking now running my own household and raising kids, thinking about what my mom accomplished. So it instilled in me quite a bit of ambition.

[cleotokos]

I think the best thing to come out of having a uBPD mom for me is the ability to really listen to what people say. Seeing my mom having an irrational emotional reaction to innocent comments of others taught me to pick apart the actual words said, separate them from my interpretation of the person's body language, facial expression and tone, and get to the root of what they are really trying to communicate. I like to think of peoples' words as being typed on a piece of clean, white paper. It makes things a lot clearer.

[musicfan42]

I feel like I picked up a lot of negative things from my father but I was lucky in that I got to go to therapy at a young age and work those issues out-that is my version of turning lemons into lemonade.

[Islandgrl]

This is an interesting question.  For me the thing that springs to mind is that I learned to question authority at an early age which really helped me develop my academic potential and my ability to have fresh and new insights not certain matters.  Also the fact that I'm not tied to my family and wanted to get away from my mother means I've had an interesting life - some of my Peers with nice families have had rather more ordinary lives - not to say there's anything wrong with that or that they're not happy but I'm glad my life has been as varied and eventful as it has. 

[ScarletOlive]

Ker2See, this is a great thread, and I love reading everybody's responses!

There are a lot of things I've picked up and learned that I probably would not otherwise have learned.  Communication skills like SET and DEARMAN, how to set good boundaries, timeouts, and validation are all life skills that I probably would not have had otherwise. It wasn't good that I had to raise my siblings or run the house, but hey, I am really good at laundry, cooking, and all that good stuff. Even some of the most painful moments of my childhood have helped me understand my friends and be able to help them when they're struggling. I can relate to where they're at, what they're feeling.

Maybe most importantly, I found hope and resilience from within. My spirituality grew, I read many awesome books, did a lot of thinking about life, and have a great career that's been influenced by my life experiences. After coming through the fire, I have a great zest and enthusiasm for joy and fun in my life. I have my (lion's) share of fleas and hurts, but there is a lot of good that has come from the bad.

[skinny13]

I love this topic. It's so great to hear how others have found the positive in the trying experiences we've all had.

I think the biggest lemonade I have after growing up with a uBPD/NPDm has been empathy. It might have been part of my natural personality, but even so, it was certainly fine-tuned by the constant fear of 'setting her off' and the survival-based need to know my uBPD/NPDm's moods and issues. I got really good at reading people's emotions.

It might have had a negative connotation with my mother, but it's helped me be a more supportive friend and wife.

[Cordelia]

Really great idea for a thread!

I think dealing with my mom taught me how to be attentive to others' needs and honed my verbal skills as I tried to express myself to her, before I did any recovery.  And in recovery, I've learned to appreciate what people have to offer despite their flaws, and that protecting myself from boundary invasions makes me MORE able to love and accept others, not less.  

I'm sure there's more but that's what I've got "on one foot" as it were... .

[GeekyGirl]

I like the positive angle here!

I think the biggest lemonade I have after growing up with a uBPD/NPDm has been empathy.

Same here. I was told at work (when I asked some co-workers to list some of my strengths and opportunities anonymously) that empathy is one of my biggest strengths. I was floored--I hadn't seen that as a real strength. Then I learned about BPD and saw that I'd had to be very empathetic to my mother and others as a child.

Like ScarletOlive, it has also made me appreciate and respect boundaries in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise considered.