find it strange that she has not contacted me?

[tomjon78]

After a conversation last monday I told her I would not see her again and hear from her and hung up on her on the phone... . She texted me saying she "didn´t care about being in a relationship with a man who thinks he is being criticized".  I replied "ok"

Later she texted me: "can´t belive you are seeing me this way"

This was only a few day after she tried to convince me she had changed and realized how much she hurt me and would even marry. But we had 3 conversations and she always started some kind of "emotional" talk/testing or criticized me.

I haven´t heard a thing from her which is new in our 5 month break up drama. I wonder if it´s the silence before the big storm or she has given up?

I´m still worried about the weekend when she always starts trying to contact me or show up at my house.

But maybe it will stop. But only then I know my road to recovery will begin. It will take time because i´m so emotionally tired and sometimes don´t trust my feelings, since I miss her so much. I´ve gotten rid of everything that reminds me of her. All photos and everything is gone.

Still struggling... . :'(

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

Hi Tom

I'd tell you to move away, but that's probably not an option for you. So I'll throw this out there and you can take it for what it's worth.

Cease. All. Contact.

While I understand your heart is still tangled up, your brain should be the one organ you pay attention to.

You know the destructive nature of BPDs and every minute you spend thinking about her is wasted energy. Every moment you "give" to her you are depleting your own personal reserves of energy and self-respect.

She's not worth it. You are. And I know you know that given you went your separate ways.

So find the strength inside of you to say "I'm done," and... .

Cease. All. Contact.

Respectfully,

Ms M.

[bpdspell]

I agree.

Committing to No Contact is what's necessary to give yourself space and time to heal from the toxic abuse and pretzel logic that comes with BPD relationships. You owe it to yourself to heal, learn and grow from this experiencing and every second you respond to a text, phone call, or manipulative exchange with your ex you delay doing what's best for you.

I takes practice to learn how to put our needs first but it can be accomplished. Learn how to create healthy boundaries with yourself and others. I had to do this with my ex and I know respect and value myself more now than I ever had my entire life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tomjon, Agree w/Iwent & BPDspell, let the healing begin.  Hanging around waiting for the phone, email or text to ring or ping, is a thankless vigil.  Get on with your Life!  To be honest, I find it irrelevant whether she gets in contact or not.  If you expect some sort of closure from her, think again.  She will be egging you on with the usual "toxic abuse and pretzel logic," as BPDspell says so eloquently.  It's hard, I know, when you feel kicked in the stomach and have the wind knocked out of you, but try to remember that you don't want to go through that again.

Hang in, LuckyJim

[tomjon78]

thank you for your words... . i´m feeling that now there is a window open for closure. I just have to stay focused. Avoid circumstances where she is and I will not let her in my space. I just talked to my Therapist today in the phone and he said this weekend was very important. She is hosting a party tomorrow and will be drunk probably and i will not stay home and turn the phone off.

And he also told me to prepare for her to get into my circle of friends at the martial arts gym (where i have quit training since she started). And after a short while when she realizes she can not get a grip on me, she will turn to someone else. She can´t be alone and it might be difficult to face that situation... . but let´s see.

In short I just have decided I will love her from a distance and let her go. Remember the good times and also remind of all the bad things... . and believe me they are piling up every day. The picture is getting clearer... . all the words and comments she said which made my stomach ache are in my head reminding me that I can not take it. Nobody can.

Like my therapist said: "now we have a deal... . you will not interact with her and imagine a future with her" ... . time has come to focus on myself and let go... . it will be a painful path but at the end there is something better.

Fell like sh-t but gaining a little bit of strength... . ups and downs i guess  

at the end is a line from of one of my favorite songs: Demons by The National:

"I sincerely tried to love her

Wish that I could rise above her"

[Clearmind]

It’s probably not healthy my friend to anticipate anything. Being hyper-focussed on this will inevitably get you down.

You narrow your line of sight – by concentrating on her – and this is the only thing you will see. Are you getting out to widen your perspective? Tunnel vision and ruminating will happen when we are hyper-focussed.

Your road to recovery can start now if you willing to be dig deep and seek out the answers as to your connection to a disordered person.

It’s a journey and you can start whenever you are ready – choice is yours its not hers.

[tomjon78]

It’s probably not healthy my friend to anticipate anything. Being hyper-focussed on this will inevitably get you down.

You narrow your line of sight – by concentrating on her – and this is the only thing you will see. Are you getting out to widen your perspective? Tunnel vision and ruminating will happen when we are hyper-focussed.

Your road to recovery can start now if you willing to be dig deep and seek out the answers as to your connection to a disordered person.

It’s a journey and you can start whenever you are ready – choice is yours its not hers.

So true... . I know this is in my hands... . and I also have been working a lot with my part in this... . my co-dependency and how I got in this situation of tension and ups and downs... . I guess the painful part of BPD relationship are "the really good highs" and the "really bad lows" and wishing for somthing in the middle.

[Clearmind]

Absolutely. We place expections on work mates, friends and family - we expect a certain behavior, things in return, respect and trust.

One of my biggest life's lessons since my b/up is to not have expectations of others but rather have expectations of myself. Having expectations on others is also asking them to see it your way - this leads to gross disappointment.

My partner, your partner could never live up to our expectations - so we need to drop it and see it for what it was - the reality.

Chin up - it gets better. Find your interests, who you are and what you want in your life - find that and you gain worth - you will then find a mate that matches what you want. Many of us had no idea what we wanted in a mate - we dived head first into idealization without giving the person anytime to show us who they were! Big Mistake - we soon realize we are not compatible yet we try and so desperately want them to fit our ideal.

She is not your ideal - she was your fantasy. She mirrored YOU.

[tomjon78]

It´s been a strange day... . I took a day off and on a restaurant I met a guy who worked with my ex and I know quite well. He asked me if the relationship was over and I said yes. He then told me that he had wanted to tell me at one timepoint that I was meeting up with a Jekyll and hyde person. He worked with her and he knew she had an affair there with a married man. He was always thinking that he wanted to warn me but said he was very glad to know this was over.

But still this made me a little bit anxious because she told me flipside of that story that the married guy had been stalking her. I guess that was a lie.

Anyway doesn´t matter now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TomJon,

Like what clear mind said:

Your road to recovery can start now if you willing to be dig deep and seek out the answers as to your connection to a disordered person.

It’s a journey and you can start whenever you are ready – choice is yours its not hers.

Perhaps you can start to see that this relationship was unhealthy for you -- despite all the highs -- and that there are relationship ahead that you will find far more healthy, stable and peaceful.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now, and I know how hard it is when you run into people and/or situations that remind you of your Ex.  That's normal!  Just let the anxious feelings pass.

Things will definitely get better.  In the meantime, hang in,

LuckyJim

[tomjon78]

In a way I see a window open for closure. It´s now in my hands. I just got a call from my therapist about how important this weekend is. She always starts to engage in contact in the weekend, specially when she is drunk.

so i´m actually preparing... . phone will be turned off... . all doors locked and if she shows up ringing at my doorbell I will act like i´m not at home

I feel like i´m ready for a new direction. I´ve made a deal with me about NC and I know I will not engage with her in anyway.

I am also wondering about why she is not contacting me. In our last conversations:

-I never got upset

-I just hummed things away

-didn´t reply to her pushing buttons tactics

Also i have been getting info about her behaviour in other male relationships which are so borderline, that they are actually quite good enough for a movie

Time to get some guts and stand straight and get through this. It will take time, patience and probably some pain but in the end I will get there.

I hope this evening will be without any drama or something... .

[babyducks]

I am also wondering about why she is not contacting me. In our last conversations:

-I never got upset

-I just hummed things away

-didn´t reply to her pushing buttons tactics

TomJon, 

my two cents on why she isn't contacting you, for what it is worth.

when we get better in dealing with the symptoms of their illness, by not engaging in the rage, not getting on the roller coaster with them, their feelings get harder for them to handle.   basically they regulate their emotional storms by using us, and when we don't let them the storm grows for them.

I can't remember who here said this but "some one with borderline personality disorder can become so emotionally deregulated when abandoned by a loved one that they can appear frankly psychotic." 

when I left my EX she dissociated so badly she appeared to enter a fugue state. it was very unsafe for both of us.

what I had to come to terms with for myself, was that by participating in the drama, I was contributing to her sickness.  and that if I cared about her I needed to end the push/pull cycles.  It was the last gift I could give her.

please remember it is a mental illness.  a pwBPD's thinking is disordered and distorted.  She does not view your relationship in the same way you do.

I suspect that she is struggling to deal with her emotions and since she has an illness and immature coping skills she is either fleeing them at 100 miles an hour or shutting down to avoid them.   either is possible.

you are doing good work.   keep it up.   

babyducks

[tomjon78]

Update!

Well she didn´t contact me at all the last two evenings. But somehow I started to feel really edgy. Both nervous about her contacting me and also surprised she didn´t. My mind started wondering about seeing other men and the last info i got on her really shook me up.

I also am starting to feel upset about the money show got from me. I´m wondering if I should talk about a lawyer about that or not.

I´m going through some new things now. It´s like a cocktail of emotions. Heartbroken, betrayed, missing her, angry, anxious. It´s like i´m stuck in a cage of only thinking of her. I just can´t get out if it.

I´ve never felt this way... . so powerless. But I am also proud of myself for getting out of there before engaging in the things we were gonna do... . spending thousands of dollar in her house and being stuck.

But it really hurts to see the picture getting clearer and clearer.

And I know that she has started "smearing me" to people. I am also very scared about her talking about confidential things which I have told her. I was sexually molested when I was young kid and she is the only person who knows that and i think she will tell people that. That disturbs me.

[Validation78]

Hey Tomjon!

The way you are feeling is completely understandable. All of the things that could happen, are completely out of your control, and of course you feel powerless! 

If she tells people your private business, you will have to deal with it, not an easy prospect, I know. Let's face it though, she hasn't done it, and you are expending an awful lot of emotion worrying about something that hasn't happened.

Yep, smear campaigns hurt, deeply. That is something I can relate to as it has happened to me as well, and has been very costly to me. I am still working through the emotions attached to that, however, keeping in mind, I cannot control it. What will be will be, and all I can do is believe in myself, and live my truth. Faith helps me to do this, and even then, it's not easy, yet the only defense I have, and it makes me feel better to know, I do have control over something, and that is my behavior!

Have you thought about altering your perceptions of her behavior? Maybe it is a blessing not to have heard from her. You know in your heart that this is not a healthy relationship, and keeping your distance, although difficult, may be what you need to start your path to healing.

What do you think?

Are you ready to begin your healing journey?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[tomjon78]

Hey Tomjon!

The way you are feeling is completely understandable. All of the things that could happen, are completely out of your control, and of course you feel powerless! 

If she tells people your private business, you will have to deal with it, not an easy prospect, I know. Let's face it though, she hasn't done it, and you are expending an awful lot of emotion worrying about something that hasn't happened.

Yep, smear campaigns hurt, deeply. That is something I can relate to as it has happened to me as well, and has been very costly to me. I am still working through the emotions attached to that, however, keeping in mind, I cannot control it. What will be will be, and all I can do is believe in myself, and live my truth. Faith helps me to do this, and even then, it's not easy, yet the only defense I have, and it makes me feel better to know, I do have control over something, and that is my behavior!

Have you thought about altering your perceptions of her behavior? Maybe it is a blessing not to have heard from her. You know in your heart that this is not a healthy relationship, and keeping your distance, although difficult, may be what you need to start your path to healing.

What do you think?

Are you ready to begin your healing journey?

Best Wishes,

Val78

Thank you Val. Everything you say is true. Like my brother said to me yesterday.

"you have to realize she will never see our relationship in an honest way, she will twist everything in her favour and it´s not a malicious behaviour, it´s just the way she thinks, because she isn´t emotionally stable"

I was more ready for this some months ago when I broke off with her. But now i´m not as ready but I need to do it for my emotional wellbeing. I am close to a nervous breakdown in my opinion and I have no option than to really go ahead and climb this mountain of dissapointments and get over this.

I´m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I am also reading things on this board to relate and help me.

[Validation78]

You are on the right path when you realize the need to make changes and reach out for help when you need it, all of which you have done.

I think I have said this to you before, and will say it again. Keep your distance. She is a toxic influence to you and your well being, and the further you keep away, the easier this will get, and all of this will happen when you are really ready and committed to it.

You will heal and you will get better in time.

Best wishes,

Val78