Cant sleep

[laelle]

Great nite for it.  I have school in the morning.

I did what I said I wasnt going to do and sneaked a peak at my ex's twitter.  He had said something sexually explicit to another woman.

So many things went through my head.  I dont blame him for it, he has every right to do it, and I knew he would.  He told me himself that he cant be alone.  Of course he would be scouting.

It really got me feeling bad tho.  The times he made me feel bad for seeing someone else when we broke up back a year and a half ago.  He NEVER let me live that down.

I guess I pretty much feel like everyone else does... . Is his life really such a "party" now?  I am just now starting to think about making new friends, I am certainly NOT to the point of speaking sexually to another person.  He means more to me than that.

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

Just needed to whine a bit.

[123Phoebe]

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

Aw, laelle... .   Nope, nothing wrong with you   These things take a lot of time to fully heal from.  I'd venture to guess that it's not even really him that's keeping you stuck ... .   More like, taking the time to get yourself nice and healthy and you've reached a plateau at the moment.  Just wait... . Major progress is up ahead... .   Results will be worth waiting for  

Highly doubt he's so good without you.  He is who he is.  Doesn't sound like he's taking the time to work through any of his issues; just doing what he does... . Searching for someone to attach his issues to.  You know, the ones that had no place or business being in your life.

You're doing great!  Believe it

[laelle]

Thank you Phoebe, I can really use the support today.  The world didnt end from me looking and im not in tears, but I feel abnormal.  Like I shouldnt feel sad about a person

who erased me so quickly and is "seemingly" having no problem moving on.  I just dont know why it matters.  I hear people say this all day long here on the website so I know all the

right answers, it just helps when I hear someone say it to me.

[Grey Kitty]

laelle, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad over that. It does suck. 

My guess is that when you say he is seemingly having no problem moving on... . well... . he wasn't prepared to be in a good solid relationship with you. He probably isn't prepared to do that with anybody else either... . If anything, I'd feel sorry for what this new woman is soon going to be going through!

 GK

[laelle]

Ahhh, the woes of loving someone who is insane.

[Murbay]

Laelle, don't be too concerned about it. He is most likely in the idealization phase right now and once that's over I think you will find things will rapidly go downhill.

Towards the end of my relationship, my exBPDw spoke to me about her ex and how good things were between them and how she hoped for the same thing between us. It was a big red flag because I remember her comments at the start of our relationship about him. I also know that at the same time she was trying to "help" a co-dependent colleague through a divorce just a week prior to dropping the divorce bombshell on me too.

The biggest red flag of all was when she talked about her longest relationship. Mine was 8 years before we parted ways, hers was 9 years but with breaks almost every year. Apart from that, she never seemed to get past 6 months but alternating between 3 people. Oh how I smile now knowing the red flag was hitting me in the face and I still didn't see it.

I have no doubts that she will work on colleague while using one of the exes to fill the gap in between. She has a major issue, therapist refuses to go anywhere near her because she refuses to accept she has an issue. End result, regardless of how her relationships start, every one of them will end up in the same place and I have no doubt that the same will happen with your ex too. So don't be too concerned because it's not an IF it happens, it is a WHEN.

[catsprt]

Hi Laelle - it is healthy to still have feelings for an ex and feel "raw" when he is moving on. This will pass... .

[laelle]

After seeing him flirt around last nite, I signed up for an online dating service this morning.  Im sorry but it just feels creepy to me.  I thought maybe I could meet someone for coffee or something, but all I could think about was my ex.  I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.   

[123Phoebe]

I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.   

You're awesome laelle!  You got it goin' on!

[laelle]

Ok, most of these guys only speak French so bleh, but one I was talking to speaks English so I was talking to him.

Total BPD alert.  He immediately assumed that I didnt want to continue to talk because I didnt respond quick enough and assumed I would not download an app on my cellphone, and tried to guilty me.

Life is just too scary for me.  Why cant God just open up the heavens and drop a nice man without issues in my lap? 

[123Phoebe]

A lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of people have issues, a lot!

Life can feel scary... .   Do you find a teeny weeny bit of comfort knowing that you can see 'em and spot 'em... .   those  's?

You've acquired a complete arsenal of  weaponry!  Yay!

[laelle]

They guy who wants to get lost in my eyes... . PASS 

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, you are absolutely getting there. (Getting lost in someone's eyes is really nice... . writing about it on an online dating site is NOT!)

Knowing when to throw them back is more important than being lucky enough to have the right guy fall into your lap on the first shot!

About the time you decide that the dating thing is getting fun you'll probably find somebody you like enough to shut down your profile!

[laelle]

  Phoebe, Hello Kitty 

[laelle]

While I dont plan on running away with any of those guys, it did help me a bit to socialize with other people.  Maybe when the time is right it will help me to be a little less scared and not be so afraid to reach out.  I am quite shy.

[MammaMia]

I am sorry for your sadness.  However, you must realize you are self-inflicting pain.  Stay out of

your ex's Twitter account.  Social media can be used as a weapon.   Take control and quit allowing him to hurt you.  

Try melatonin 5 to 10 mg for sleep.  It is totally natural and safe.  You can buy it in grocery stores and drug stores everywhere.  No RX necessary.

Perhaps it is time to move on.  Your relationship with your ex is no longer healthy.  Please think about it.  Slow and easy does it.  You will learn to trust again, just do not rush things.  There is nothing wrong with being "single" and "flying solo".  Take care.

[laelle]

Thank you MammaMia,

I have been staying far away from his online stuff because I knew it would hurt to see it.  I dont know why I did it last nite, but during my healing its been my deal with myself

to allow myself to feel any way I needed to feel.  I can do those things without being critical of myself.  I could read whatever I wanted, I just had to understand that it might hurt, and that

its not an option to contact him.  Its pretty much kept the curious cat from being interested in his business because I know I can look if I want.

It was just strange seeing his post, knowing he did them, and that I am not a part of his life anymore.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle,

I'm sorry you're having a rough day.  That would've had a strong negative impact on me as well.  I am still grieving the loss of my relationship with my ex, although I feel I'm getting further from the grief and closer to acceptance--I hope!  I've had passing thoughts of checking my ex's Facebook page, but that is self-torture.  I permanently deleted my FB account so I wouldn't be tempted. 

I'm not ready to 'see' her with someone else.  And, yes, they do seem to move to the next person or persons very quickly.  I'm like you, though.  I'm not ready to move on.  I haven't been on a real date in a year now, although the last time I saw and spoke to my ex at her house was 5 months ago.  I think I would actually be fine going on a date with someone, but I'm not ready yet to get 'serious' with anyone.  Too much pressure.  Don't beat yourself up.  You're doing ok.  Learn from it, and move on. 

[MammaMia]

laelle

Sometimes we need to accept things as they are.  Especially when we cannot change them.  Yes, it is hard and yes it hurts. Sometimes things happen for a reason... .    If your ex has BPD, there is no rationalizing why he is doing what he is doing.  It is part of the illness, and you deserve better.

Please try the melatonin.  I think you will find it helpful.  Lack of sleep compounds the craziness.  

I hope you feel better soon.

[laelle]

Thank you Phoenix - Truly, it hasnt been that bad.  Was just weird.  I did take a loong nap this afternoon tho.    I am like you and not ready to see my ex with someone else, but there is absolutely

nothing I can do with him either.  I'm not ready to see someone else seriously, but I think I would be ready to have some coffee and enjoy spending time with someone.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I wont delete my facebook as its one of the only ways I get to spend time with my family in the states, but twitter is useless and so maybe I will lose it.

Thinking back, I lost so much because of my relationship with him.  I am actually a much happier person now, with alot less weight on my shoulders.  I remember how it felt each time he came around

and I got sucked back in.  I wanted out but just couldnt let myself.  I am out, why the heck am I not celebrating?  I am making good decisions now and taking such good care of myself.

He will still be miserable regardless of who he is with.  He was miserable when I met him, and I am sure he will be miserable 10 years from now.

Im going to be just fine.  

Thank you MammaMia for caring about me -Honestly, I do accept things, im just figuring out what does accepting things feel like?  It didnt feel great, but I didnt cry, and it didnt break me.

If my lack of sleep continues I will look into the melatonin.  I think its just jetlag as I just returned from the states to europe a few days ago.

[MammaMia]

Actually, many people take melatonin for jet lag.  I hope your trip was for pleasure and not work and that you had a great time.

This too shall pass... . just keep busy and have some fun.  Life does go on.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Im going to be just fine. 

We are slowly getting rid of the !  One baby step at a time, and sometimes one big step.

[connect]

Hello - hope you feel better soon x

I can relate to the lack of sleep. For me Saturday 7am, Sunday 1.30am and Monday 2.30am and I have work x its a racing mind for me and also I wait until I am tired before going to bed but I have been too pumped with adrenaline since he ended it on saturday.

Be kind to yourself  

[laelle]

Ok, met a guy that I am going to have coffee with in a few days.  How do I do this exactly?  I am out of practice.

[MammaMia]

laelle

Just be yourself and enjoy your time together.  It is a date... . not a lifetime commitment. 

Above all try NOT TO TALK NEGATIVELY OR DWELL ON YOUR EX.  If asked, just say the relationship did not work out.

Avoid details until you know this person better.

Relax... . have fun!  You go girl... .

[laelle]

Thank you MammaMia,

He doesnt speak much English so its going to be a short coffee.  LOL

[Grey Kitty]

You never know how long the coffee will be... . The languages are different, but this song covers one possibility

www.myspace.com/littlecharliethenightcats/music/songs/i-can-t-speak-no-spanish-46955294

[laelle]

LOL, I am not so sure about that.  I asked him to email me and he thought I was telling him that I didnt want to talk to him anymore.

By the end of the coffee I will probably have unintentionally insulted his whole family.

[LetItBe]

Yes, you're just meeting him.  There is no pressure.  Hope you have fun, laelle. 

[MammaMia]

laelle


This could be VERY interesting.  Perhaps you can help him with his English or he can help you learn whatever his primary language is.  Could be fun.