How do I feel comfortable in my own skin?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have read all the replies... . and I am a little bit confused. Maybe a lot. And I am reaching out for a little help in understanding. If anyone can comment, it would be appreciated.

In my relationship with my wife, all the things that are mentioned, FOO, working on it with a therapist, co-dependency, enmeshment, all these things were the root of my wife's issues she had with me.

What I have lived through was, I needed to do all this work on myself in order for her to stay in the relationship. Regardless of the work I was doing, it mattered little. It so screwed up my head because I could not and still do not see me bringing these issues to our relationship. I am not broken because I grew up in a difficult house. But I do know, I struggled with feeling like the relationship I had with my wife was very much like my relationship with my father. In short, nothing I did was good enough.

I feel like my wife knew these things about me because I opened up so much, and then she used these things against me telling me, my issues from my past were unresolved and until I resolved them, we wouldn't be able to live together.

I worked with a therapist, I worked with her in family counseling. I went to DBT for a year, I was in a 12 step program with a sponsor. And yet, she left me.

I have so lost focus of who I am, I walked around in my marriage doubting everything I knew about myself and what my core being was all because I believed that my wife saw something negative in me that needed to be fixed. Now, keep in mind, it didn't start this way. Our relationship was a whirlwind like you read about on these boards. And when we got married, she (at least it felt like it to me ) systematically picked me apart. Poured over every issue that I revealed about my past, and told me unless I work on these issues, I am not going to truly get to the core wounded part of my soul.

I bought into this because I believed her and trusted her. She had been in a 12 step program and in therapy her whole adult life. Some 20+ years. She knew something I didn't... . or so I thought.

And now, we are separated for 7 months and NC for several and I have filed for divorce. Yet, on a daily basis, I am lost, thinking that I MUST be the one who did all of this damage to the marriage (although, I don't really believe that) but I struggle getting that out of my head.

I really feel extremely broken now. Not only because of the loss of my relationship and marriage, but because she fed me to the mental wolves per se, and I sit here and have no idea which way is up. I question daily, was she BPD? Am I BPD?

I spent so much time in therapy, and I really don't know what a therapist will tell me that is different than what I already know about myself. But I am not getting out of this funk and it's kind of scaring me. I wish I never met this woman. I wish I never dug this deep and believed in another person's view of me. I feel pretty weak minded and stuck. It's not good.

At the end of the day, using the label BPD matters little. If my wife was BPD, that's no longer my concern. What is my concern is my own mental health and feeling comfortable in my own skin. And I don't. I have too many questions and doubts... . about so many emotional things. So, is my only avenue doing deep core trauma therapy? Because I don't know how or what my problem really is. I cannot change a thing about my past. I cannot fix my marriage. I just need to function in the world now, and I'm barely hanging on. And I keep going back to the thoughts of, my wife must have known or seen something about me, so I must be broken and I cannot see it in myself. And I cannot take feeling that at the deepest of levels anymore. I am tired of it.

So, what does one do? Because I really don't know anymore what to do. It is as if I was my wife's project to create her issues in me, took a hold. And I cannot break free from her and what she thought of me. It's exhausting and confusing. And I need a break and want my simple life back.

[spaceace]

I have read all the replies... . and I am a little bit confused. Maybe a lot. And I am reaching out for a little help in understanding. If anyone can comment, it would be appreciated.

In my relationship with my wife, all the things that are mentioned, FOO, working on it with a therapist, co-dependency, enmeshment, all these things were the root of my wife's issues she had with me.

What I have lived through was, I needed to do all this work on myself in order for her to stay in the relationship. Regardless of the work I was doing, it mattered little. It so screwed up my head because I could not and still do not see me bringing these issues to our relationship. I am not broken because I grew up in a difficult house. But I do know, I struggled with feeling like the relationship I had with my wife was very much like my relationship with my father. In short, nothing I did was good enough.

I feel like my wife knew these things about me because I opened up so much, and then she used these things against me telling me, my issues from my past were unresolved and until I resolved them, we wouldn't be able to live together.

I worked with a therapist, I worked with her in family counseling. I went to DBT for a year, I was in a 12 step program with a sponsor. And yet, she left me.

I have so lost focus of who I am, I walked around in my marriage doubting everything I knew about myself and what my core being was all because I believed that my wife saw something negative in me that needed to be fixed. Now, keep in mind, it didn't start this way. Our relationship was a whirlwind like you read about on these boards. And when we got married, she (at least it felt like it to me ) systematically picked me apart. Poured over every issue that I revealed about my past, and told me unless I work on these issues, I am not going to truly get to the core wounded part of my soul.

I bought into this because I believed her and trusted her. She had been in a 12 step program and in therapy her whole adult life. Some 20+ years. She knew something I didn't... . or so I thought.

And now, we are separated for 7 months and NC for several and I have filed for divorce. Yet, on a daily basis, I am lost, thinking that I MUST be the one who did all of this damage to the marriage (although, I don't really believe that) but I struggle getting that out of my head.

I really feel extremely broken now. Not only because of the loss of my relationship and marriage, but because she fed me to the mental wolves per se, and I sit here and have no idea which way is up. I question daily, was she BPD? Am I BPD?

I spent so much time in therapy, and I really don't know what a therapist will tell me that is different than what I already know about myself. But I am not getting out of this funk and it's kind of scaring me. I wish I never met this woman. I wish I never dug this deep and believed in another person's view of me. I feel pretty weak minded and stuck. It's not good.

At the end of the day, using the label BPD matters little. If my wife was BPD, that's no longer my concern. What is my concern is my own mental health and feeling comfortable in my own skin. And I don't. I have too many questions and doubts... . about so many emotional things. So, is my only avenue doing deep core trauma therapy? Because I don't know how or what my problem really is. I cannot change a thing about my past. I cannot fix my marriage. I just need to function in the world now, and I'm barely hanging on. And I keep going back to the thoughts of, my wife must have known or seen something about me, so I must be broken and I cannot see it in myself. And I cannot take feeling that at the deepest of levels anymore. I am tired of it.

So, what does one do? Because I really don't know anymore what to do. It is as if I was my wife's project to create her issues in me, took a hold. And I cannot break free from her and what she thought of me. It's exhausting and confusing. And I need a break and want my simple life back.

[charred]

In my relationship with my wife, all the things that are mentioned, FOO, working on it with a therapist, co-dependency, enmeshment, all these things were the root of my wife's issues she had with me.

What I have lived through was, I needed to do all this work on myself in order for her to stay in the relationship. Regardless of the work I was doing, it mattered little. It so screwed up my head because I could not and still do not see me bringing these issues to our relationship. I am not broken because I grew up in a difficult house. But I do know, I struggled with feeling like the relationship I had with my wife was very much like my relationship with my father. In short, nothing I did was good enough.

I feel like my wife knew these things about me because I opened up so much, and then she used these things against me telling me, my issues from my past were unresolved and until I resolved them, we wouldn't be able to live together.

I worked with a therapist, I worked with her in family counseling. I went to DBT for a year, I was in a 12 step program with a sponsor. And yet, she left me.

I have so lost focus of who I am, I walked around in my marriage doubting everything I knew about myself and what my core being was all because I believed that my wife saw something negative in me that needed to be fixed. Now, keep in mind, it didn't start this way. Our relationship was a whirlwind like you read about on these boards. And when we got married, she (at least it felt like it to me ) systematically picked me apart. Poured over every issue that I revealed about my past, and told me unless I work on these issues, I am not going to truly get to the core wounded part of my soul.

I bought into this because I believed her and trusted her. She had been in a 12 step program and in therapy her whole adult life. Some 20+ years. She knew something I didn't... . or so I thought.

And now, we are separated for 7 months and NC for several and I have filed for divorce. Yet, on a daily basis, I am lost, thinking that I MUST be the one who did all of this damage to the marriage (although, I don't really believe that) but I struggle getting that out of my head.

I really feel extremely broken now. Not only because of the loss of my relationship and marriage, but because she fed me to the mental wolves per se, and I sit here and have no idea which way is up. I question daily, was she BPD? Am I BPD?

I spent so much time in therapy, and I really don't know what a therapist will tell me that is different than what I already know about myself. But I am not getting out of this funk and it's kind of scaring me. I wish I never met this woman. I wish I never dug this deep and believed in another person's view of me. I feel pretty weak minded and stuck. It's not good.

At the end of the day, using the label BPD matters little. If my wife was BPD, that's no longer my concern. What is my concern is my own mental health and feeling comfortable in my own skin. And I don't. I have too many questions and doubts... . about so many emotional things. So, is my only avenue doing deep core trauma therapy? Because I don't know how or what my problem really is. I cannot change a thing about my past. I cannot fix my marriage. I just need to function in the world now, and I'm barely hanging on. And I keep going back to the thoughts of, my wife must have known or seen something about me, so I must be broken and I cannot see it in myself. And I cannot take feeling that at the deepest of levels anymore. I am tired of it.

So, what does one do? Because I really don't know anymore what to do. It is as if I was my wife's project to create her issues in me, took a hold. And I cannot break free from her and what she thought of me. It's exhausting and confusing. And I need a break and want my simple life back.

The baggage that she complained about  that you brought to the r/s... . unfortunately is what made you vulnerable to her BPD... . and while I never quite put it like you just did... . had a pretty similar experience. My pwBPD complained and undercut my confidence about everything... . the way I ate wasn't right, the way I dealt with my exwife, how I raised my daughter... . didn't matter what the subject, I wasn't doing it right.

I wrote up a lot about why I believe it hurts so much to lose someone with BPD... . that they manage to get in the position of a primary attachment... . like your mother... . or worse, like the mother you should have had but didn't. There is more to that, once they are in that position, we all know the big stuff BPD people do, the idealizing/clinging/hating... . but there is smaller stuff, and its normal bhiting, but we don't react to it like when a coworker bhites at us... . we take it to heart, because its coming to someone we put in a role of unquestioning authority... . we feel like they know what they are talking about and if they say we are less than right... . then its true, and we try to fix it.  Unfortunately the pwBPD... . is just bhiting. They may not believe much of what they said to us to lure us in, they just desperately wanted to be with someone (anyone)... . and mirroring our likes and interest moves them farther and faster than genuine interaction with us would. The 100% attention to us and seeming unconditional love wins over our inner cynic... . and then they are content they have someone. However the day to day grind of trying to feign interest in topics they don't care about, trying to keep up that bubbly interaction with us... . wears on them, and they get bhity... . about everything... . and they start gently... . then get meaner and more undercutting of our confidence as time goes on.

My exBPDgf wanted me to tell her every word said to my exwife, made a 3 page list of all the things I was going to do each week, gave me hell about my interests, said I had no interest in her, didn't know anything about her and that we needed to concentrate on her. At first she wanted me to do things I liked, but soon that changed to giving me grief about being selfish and not wanting to do whatever she wanted to do... . and with each recycle it was more and more her and less and less me.

I wondered if I had executive function disorder... . basically the inability to make high level life decisions at all... . after being with her... . and talked to my T about it, he had been in an r/s with a pwBPD and really understood the pain... . and said NO... . absolutely NO, but you have symptoms of PTSD, and you have been beat down to the point that you are codependent... . not that you seek out codependency, but out of walking on eggshells and fear of repercussions you have suppressed your needs and desires and feelings to the point you draw a blank when you try to decide what to do, or what you want (other than to be back with the toxic pwBPD)... . and I couldn't argue it, he was right.

Moving on goes through stages... . you have to survive the initial breakup... . its brutal... . then you have your emotions going round in ruminations about why and what could you have done different, and pain from missing the sex and thinking of them with someone else... . and you have to stop the ruminating (mindfullness helps)... . and then the big WHY question looms... . I feel like I have addressed why as well as I am ever going to at this point... . it hurt because it was a primary attachment... . she is disordered and I have my own fleas. Then its accepting it... . yes it will NEVER work... . yes I felt what I thought was love... . didn't feel like need, but love doesn't get in your face and rage at you day after day. So I accept that it was what it was... . an r/s with a person that lacks integrity... . they are not integrated... . what they say one moment and do the next are not consistent, and may well never be. So the things to work on are my issues... . and to my utter surprise... . my pwBPD pretty well nailed them... . I verified them with schema tests, and concluded that I brought a lot of baggage with me to the r/s... . working on those issues is painful, it hasn't made me grounded in the sense that I feel like I am normal and me again... . instead it is changing my view of people... . lots of them have issues and I now see defensiveness and ego and  's, that I was oblivious to before. But keeping my focus on the here and now primarily makes it possible to enjoy the moment... . and my relations with everyone, coworkers, family, women I want to date... . all has gotten better.

So you are not alone, suspect its almost par for the course... . and the most direct psychology fix approach I know is schema tests and the book "reinventing your life"... . to address the typical less than a PD stuff that your pwBPD complained about and that no doubt would help you in general.  The big core trauma that comes from issues with FOO... . kind of doubt we get over that, rather adapt to it better. I was ADHD from time I was a little kid, took meds and was always fidgety... . after T and lots of mindfulness... . my anxiety level is down to where I seldom need meds... . and I think the hyperactivity was in reaction to my FOO... . but I don't think anything would get me to the point of being a normally attached person... . I can be less avoidantly attached, and more sociable... . and busy living my life instead of analyzing it... . that may be as good as it gets.

Good luck... . for having a heart ripped out your recovering as well as can be expected, keep at it.

[tailspin]

"At the end of the day, using the label BPD matters little. If my wife was BPD, that's no longer my concern. What is my concern is my own mental health and feeling comfortable in my own skin. And I don't. I have too many questions and doubts... . about so many emotional things. So, is my only avenue doing deep core trauma therapy? Because I don't know how or what my problem really is. I cannot change a thing about my past. I cannot fix my marriage. I just need to function in the world now, and I'm barely hanging on. And I keep going back to the thoughts of, my wife must have known or seen something about me, so I must be broken and I cannot see it in myself. And I cannot take feeling that at the deepest of levels anymore. I am tired of it.

So, what does one do? Because I really don't know anymore what to do. It is as if I was my wife's project to create her issues in me, took a hold. And I cannot break free from her and what she thought of me. It's exhausting and confusing. And I need a break and want my simple life back."

spaceace 

You are not broken; you have been emotionally abused, and there is a difference.  You have suffered tremendously and this must be acknowledged before you can heal and move on.  Allow yourself to grieve for how you feel and for what you've lost.  Give yourself permission to feel the way you do; how you feel does matter.  What your wife did to you was a reflection of her mental illness.  You didn't deserve to be treated this way and you did nothing to justify her treating you this way.

Your wife may have projected her issues onto you but this is not who you are.  You must learn, perhaps the first time, how to validate your own self worth.  Proving ourselves worthy of another is exhausting and confusing.  It's much simpler to acknowledge our own worthiness regardless of what other people think.  This begins with a simple acknowledgement:  I deserve better.  Write your own affirmations if you can.  

No one has the power to make us feel a certain way about ourselves without our permission.  Take back the permissions you gave her to define who you are and define yourself instead.  Self love is important and it takes time.  Begin today.

tailspin

[laelle]

The baggage that she complained about  that you brought to the r/s... . unfortunately is what made you vulnerable to her BPD... . and while I never quite put it like you just did... . had a pretty similar experience. My pwBPD complained and undercut my confidence about everything... . the way I ate wasn't right, the way I dealt with my exwife, how I raised my daughter... . didn't matter what the subject, I wasn't doing it right.

Was the exact thing for me.  Your wife had enough information on mental illness to make her projections dangerous to your mental health.

[spaceace]

charred and tailspin,

Thank you for the words, they do help. And it is needed. Very much so.

I keep thinking about a list my wife made for me to follow in order to stay in the marriage with me. I look back and I laugh a little at this. Mostly because, I could NEVER dream of making a list in a marriage and demanding my spouse adhere to it. I can understand if there was an ongoing issue that upset the balance of our life, IE, alcoholism or something such as that... .  

But her list was silly... . one of the things she demanded I do was, I needed to get up at 6:30 every morning to help her kids get ready for school while she made herself up. Ok, fine... . I can do that. First, her kids didn't get up until 6:50 am. So why do I need to be up at 6:30? It was hard and a pain in the you know what for me to do this. I hate mornings. Desperately hate mornings! But I did this because it mattered to her.

One day, I slept in till 6:35. I hit the snooze and she came into the bedroom and I was still in bed. You would have thought I killed someone the way she reacted. She refused to talk to me! And finally after a day of the silent treatment, she finally told me. I had let her down. I was on board for a week and I had let her down and now she didn't trust me and she didn't believe I took her seriously and she didn't know if she could stay committed to this marriage if that was the way I would behave and not take her simple requests seriously.

Really? Are you kidding me? And what I did was so out of the ordinary of who I am. I begged her to not leave. I promised her if she would give me another chance, I would not let her down. It was brutal! I went through several days of pleading and begging her to allow me to show her how I was trustworthy and I would not let her down.

Oh, did I say that I had to leave each day at 7:10 to drive 40+ miles to get my daughter to school? Right, I totally left it to chance for my daughter to get her stuff together and concentrated on her kids. And each morning, I had to clothe them, feed them, make the coffee and make them lunches. And that five minutes that I slept in, I wished I never brought that grief upon myself. If I were healthier at that time, I would have said, nah, I cannot fulfill this task for you. I have to get my daughter to school and drive 40+ miles, and if I need to sleep 5 more minutes and you don't like that, then I will stay at my house which was 40+ miles away and she would have had to have dealt with my decision and I guess, divorce me? Who knows... . But that is a microcosm of what my life was like and how I allowed her to break me down.

Looking back now, it was so bizarre. I was willing to do this, I agreed to doing this. I wanted to do this. And I wanted to be respected while I did this. Not get my you know what reamed out because I was tired and hit the snooze... . and I certainly lost myself somewhere in there, doing all this pleading and begging, just to prove I was worthy. It is a sad commentary. She had a good husband who took her children under his wing, and that was not enough... . nothing was enough... .

Anyway, I believe there were so many little incidents such as that, that it slowly wore away at my center and my own self esteem and self worth. I truly believe I played a part, and my part was not standing up for myself and my needs. Which really was simple, if I hit the snooze, I am not untrustworthy or failing the marriage. I am merely tired and wanted to rest a few more minutes... . But I couldn't say it... . such a shame... .

[charred]

The lists were over the top. I was married 22 yrs and never had a list, in fact it went very smoothly, my exBPDgf on the other hand never had a r/s that worked more than about 12 months tops... . usually 2-4 months was the norm.

She did things I used to attribute to having guts and backbone... . now I see it more as not being aware of boundaries and overstepping them when others wouldn't have... . she wasn't brave and moral, she was out of control.

I did things for her I never did before and wouldn't again for anyone... . just like I was kicked back to being a kid being chastised and doing whatever my parent wanted... . then resenting it... . was a mess.

It certainly messes with your head.

Talking about it on here helps though.

[catsprt]

Spaceace - moving forward takes time and so does growing. You are on the right track if you listen to you heart. C