WOW, so much hate from her...

[cska]

I gone NC for about 2 weeks now. But I miss my dBPD gf everyday. So yesterday, I was at a place where she was, and I left a note on her car (I would do that a lot when we were dating, I would write a cute note and leave it under her windshield wiper). It was a short note, I told her that I love her, I always have and always will. And I said I always think about her. I thought that it might reassure her to know that I still love her, and that I'm not abandoning her even though she has left.

The hate e-mails that I received afterwards were through the roof. All in caps, telling me that she hates me with all her heart, that I trigger her, that I should leave her alone or she will get a restraining order.

Every time I try to say something nice, she tells me it triggers her. She says every time I contact her, she gets panic attacks, and it takes her days to calm down. I was just trying to be nice... .

Have any of you gone through the same thing? Why so much hate? Its hurts a whole lot. I still love her to death  

[cska]

I know pwBPD have a fear of abandonment, and I want my girl to be happy, whether she is with me or not. So I wrote her a note so as not to reinforce her fear. It was I was saying that even if she doesn't want to be with me, I still Love her. But she retaliated with SOO much hate, as if I insulted her... . Why? I was just trying to look out for her. She hinted on a social networking site that she was going through rough times, and I wanted to let her know that I still care about her... . Why was there so much hate on her part? Why?

[mango_flower]

I can't answer this for definite - but my guess would be that she HATES being reminded of what she screwed up... . if she lives in denial, then she can "forget" and move forward.  As soon as she gets any contact from you, it reminds her how lovely it was and could have been, and she hates the part of her that sabotaged it.

I know it hurts. x

[cska]

Thanks for your kind words mango flower! One thing I don't get is that why would she not want to try again with me... . I did my best to make her happy, but she says I'm not genuine and she's talking a a genuine guy. I dunno if she's bluffing or not, in any case, I want her to be happy, with me or without me. I just wish she would see how much I love her and how much I did for her.

It would have been less painful if she said something along the lines of "Its really hard for me to be with you, I'm sorry, I can't be with you." But she told me so much hateful and insulting stuff, as if I did something unspeakably evil to her... .   :'(

[LosingIt2]

Well, her reaction just further affirms that she very likely has BPD. I mean, that sounds like classic BPD and you should try not to take it personally.

[cska]

LosingIt, Thanks for your reply. She is diagnosed, and she's on meds, and she goes to therapy (she started a short while back). I know, I know, I do try to not take it personally. I've gotten better at it, but it still hurts a whole lot... .

[Clearmind]

Wow, so much hate from her – translation – “Wow, so much hate for herself” cska – you saw it in her response however due to some twisted thinking and self blame – you believe its your fault and that you can love her through her illness. Her illness is her nemesis – not your fault.  

She doesn’t feel like she deserves all that you say – how about showing yourself as much kindness and compassion you are showing her?

What’s the hook cska – I get you love her but what does that mean?

[schwing]

Hi Cska,

I know pwBPD have a fear of abandonment, and I want my girl to be happy, whether she is with me or not. So I wrote her a note so as not to reinforce her fear.

You might consider their fear of abandonment this way: they experience this fear of abandonment, even when it has nothing to do with your actions.  Through out your relationship with her, she experienced this fear.  Except when you were with her, and then she idealized you and "forgot" about those times (or didn't tell you).  And during your relationship, when she devalued you, she "remembered" all those times you planned on "abandoning" her and this is why she either accused you of cheating on her, or yelled at you for one reason or another, or felt your relationship wouldn't work.

When they idealize you, they remember all the "good" things and cannot recall any of the "bad" things; this stage happens the most during the honeymoon stage of your relationship.  And when they devalue you, they only remember all the "bad" things and cannot recall any of the "good" things. This idealizing and devaluing is called "splitting" behavior.  :)on't try to empathize with it, you would not experience this unless you have disordered thinking.

It was I was saying that even if she doesn't want to be with me, I still Love her. But she retaliated with SOO much hate, as if I insulted her... . Why? I was just trying to look out for her. She hinted on a social networking site that she was going through rough times, and I wanted to let her know that I still care about her... . Why was there so much hate on her part? Why?

Well, now that you are no longer together, and she is idealizing her new partner (just like she idealized you in the beginning), she is now also devaluing her old partner, you.  Now all she can remember are all those times she imagined you would abandon her.  And this is why she hates you.  This is why she believes you never loved her and that you only fooled her into loving you.  She cannot remember you ever loving her, or she ever loving you.  In her mind, it was never real.

I thought that it might reassure her to know that I still love her, and that I'm not abandoning her even though she has left.

As far as she is concerned, you always planned on abandoning her.  And it is only her good fortune that she got away from you before you actually abandoned her.  Or she may believe you actually abandoned her.  It all depends upon how she is feeling at the time.  It has nothing to do with what actually happened.

Have any of you gone through the same thing? Why so much hate? Its hurts a whole lot. I still love her to death  

My exBPDgf, never directly devalued me to the point where she raged at me.  My only clue of the distortion campaign she waged against me was with the reaction of people I didn't know.  At one point in time (several months after NC/break-up) I called her apartment and a roommate I never met wouldn't take my message and treated me, more or less as a stalker.  I ended up speaking to a roommate I did know, and she told me how to reach my exBPDgf.  I can only imagine what awful things she must have told about me to *complete strangers*.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[nolisan]

Looks like you have been "painted black" my friend. You are either In or Out (Black or White) - once you have been devalued the r/s is in a death spiral - there may be a few futile recycles but it's over. Sorry to be so blunt.

Turn your focus on yourself - learn to love yourself. You are Job #1. Your love couldn't or never will cure her. She is on her own difficult journey.

If you love somebody - set them free (Sting).

[cska]

Schwing, Thank you very much for your reply!

You might consider their fear of abandonment this way: they experience this fear of abandonment, even when it has nothing to do with your actions.  Through out your relationship with her, she experienced this fear. 

When they idealize you, they remember all the "good" things and cannot recall any of the "bad" things; this stage happens the most during the honeymoon stage of your relationship.  And when they devalue you, they only remember all the "bad" things and cannot recall any of the "good" things.

This is very valuable advice. I have to keep reminding myself that what she's experiencing has nothing to do with my actions.

This idealizing and devaluing is called "splitting" behavior.  Don't try to empathize with it, you would not experience this unless you have disordered thinking.

I guess I can understand this. My views of her follow the same pattern. I DO have disordered thinking, because I ALWAYS idealize her. In my mind she is always painted white. I remember all the "good" things and essentially cannot recall any of the "bad" things she has done to me. I have to break this pattern, but I can't. I do remember the bad things she has done to me, of course, but its almost as if in my mind, these memories are not full memories, but merely skeletons of memories. What I mean is that my mind doesn't hold on to the emotional content of these memories. When I remember the bad times, I remember the fact that they happened, but I'm disconnected from all the pain and suffering I have endured throughout these bad times.

This stands in stark contrast with my memories of the good times. When I remember them, I'm overwhelmed with the positive feelings, the feeling of inexhaustible happiness that I've felt throughout the (admittedly short lived) good times with her.

The happiness that I've felt when I was with her is over-represented in my memory, and the memories of the pain that I've endured at her hands barely exist... .

This is the source of my longing for her.

This ties in to Clearmind's question to me.

Clearmind, you asked me this question:

What’s the hook cska – I get you love her but what does that mean?

The hook is that when I remember the good times, I'm flooded with such longing for these times that I start to weep... . I start to miss her more than anything in the world... . When I remembered the way her eyes sparkled when she would look at me and tell me she wanted to start a family with me, and have kids, and be with me all her life... . When I remember this, I feel as if my soul is being torn to pieces... . I start to miss her so bad, that tears start flooding my eyes and I just want to scream... . I've never felt this horrible excruciating pain before... . How could this person, who would tell me that I was the love of her life, who, at that moment, was the love of MY life, tell me that she hates me and can't stand the sight of me... .

Yes, I know its because she has BPD, but that does not appease my aching heart. That doesn't stop the pain in any way. If anything, the realization that she is mentally ill makes me long for her even more because I want to help her, and hold her in my arms when she is not feeling well, and tell her everything will be ok, that I'll be by her side... .

Yes, I know, I know, I can't make her feel safe due to the nature of her disorder, but again, that does not take away my pain and longing. I want to help people who are in pain even if they're complete strangers, led alone someone I Love... . I Love her, I want to make her happy, to fight off her fears, but I can't, and that makes me weep... .

Please, please keep me in your thoughts, this pain is excruciating... . I've never felt anything like it before  :'(

[schwing]

I guess I can understand this. My views of her follow the same pattern. I DO have disordered thinking, because I ALWAYS idealize her. In my mind she is always painted white. I remember all the "good" things and essentially cannot recall any of the "bad" things she has done to me.

I would say that what you are dealing with is a cognitive dissonance.  You have two conflicting idea in your mind.  But the greater your attachment to her is, the more you will be inclined to recall the positive.  Perhaps when your attachment weakens, you'll be able to recall the more negative aspects of you relationship more easily and start feeling the consequences (i.e., anger).

I have to break this pattern, but I can't. I do remember the bad things she has done to me, of course, but its almost as if in my mind, these memories are not full memories, but merely skeletons of memories. What I mean is that my mind doesn't hold on to the emotional content of these memories. When I remember the bad times, I remember the fact that they happened, but I'm disconnected from all the pain and suffering I have endured throughout these bad times.

I think you're disconnected from the pain and suffering because it might be a bit too overwhelming for you once it hits.  But if you can persist in your disengagement, I'm sure that the pain will come to you more readily, though you might not wish this at the time.  But in the long run, it is necessary to move forward.  The only way past, as far as I know, is through.

This stands in stark contrast with my memories of the good times. When I remember them, I'm overwhelmed with the positive feelings, the feeling of inexhaustible happiness that I've felt throughout the (admittedly short lived) good times with her.

The happiness that I've felt when I was with her is over-represented in my memory, and the memories of the pain that I've endured at her hands barely exist... .

Think of it this way: she is both the source of the pain, as well as the temporary relief, which in my opinion is why this will feel like recovering from a substance addiction.

The hook is that when I remember the good times, I'm flooded with such longing for these times that I start to weep... . I start to miss her more than anything in the world... . When I remembered the way her eyes sparkled when she would look at me and tell me she wanted to start a family with me, and have kids, and be with me all her life... . When I remember this, I feel as if my soul is being torn to pieces... . I start to miss her so bad, that tears start flooding my eyes and I just want to scream... . I've never felt this horrible excruciating pain before... . How could this person, who would tell me that I was the love of her life, who, at that moment, was the love of MY life, tell me that she hates me and can't stand the sight of me... .

Again, the hook is: she is the source of the pain, which you are also turning to in order to find relief.

Yes, I know its because she has BPD, but that does not appease my aching heart. That doesn't stop the pain in any way. If anything, the realization that she is mentally ill makes me long for her even more because I want to help her, and hold her in my arms when she is not feeling well, and tell her everything will be ok, that I'll be by her side... .

You must consider that, if you want to get past this, you may need to do what she has not been able to do: you may need to go against your impulse, and do what you rationally understand is the right thing for you to do.  She has never been able to go against her impulse.  And her disorder makes her impulses flip back and forth. 

Yes, I know, I know, I can't make her feel safe due to the nature of her disorder, but again, that does not take away my pain and longing.

But neither will being with you, so long as she is disordered, truly take away your pain and longing.  It only delays the inevitable.  And perhaps even deepens the pain you must endure in the eventual aftermath.

[cska]

Schwing, I can't thank you enough for your reply... . I will copy it onto a word document, and read it frequently, to remind myself to keep plowing through.

I'm feeling agonizing pain, thanks for your kind reply, it made a world of a difference!

[bewildered2]

something else that may help you here... . remember that BPD is a disorder of intimacy.

so, ironically, you only get her hatred because she loves or loved you.

if you were truly insignificant, or had never meant anything to her, then you would not be being treated this way.

Crazy, huh? but that's the way it is with a borderline. now you know what it feels like to be living in close proximity to severe mental illness.

she only hates you because she once loved you. and she has to hate you, and push you away, because it is less painful for her to do that than to be in love with you and to be abandoned by you. it doesnt matter that you would never abandon her... . what matters is that she absolutely and completely believes in her disordered mind that you will abandon her... . and so she gets in first and leaves you... . before you can leave her.

immature? yes. sadistic? perhaps. good for you? no.

so if you can see her actions toward you as a consequence of love and mental illness combined, then you are beginning to understand where you are, and it will help you realize that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make it any better for yourself or for her, except to go quietly, with understanding and compassion.

she is in a bad place. sad, but true. you are in a bad place too right now, but that is only temporary.

once you really get what BPD is all about, then you will realize that you had a very very lucky escape.

hang in there, it will get better, and there are a lot of people here who can help you get out of oz.

b2   

[TonyK]

Dear Cska, I share your pain and so do most of the people in here. I'm sorry you're going through this torment, as much as I'm sorry for my own self having to go through the same pain with you.

The analyses by Schwing and Bewildered2 are excellent: detailed, accurate, up to the point. Things are exactly as they describe them.

As much as it hurts, the right thing to do is to respect our exBPD partners' free will: they do not wish to be with us. BPD or not, disordered or not, whatever the reasons are, we must respect their decision to continue their lives without us.

It's devastating, I know. However, that's that. It will never change, it will never work out. No matter how many recycles you will allow to take place, the outcome will always be the same. Pain and more pain for you.

The hardest aspect of the situation we're in, is that we can't give up the hope. The hope that we can ''cure'' them and then re-live the idealization period with them, but this time for ever.

This, however, is an illusion. And it is our illusion, not their's.

I wish you find the strength to go through this and become a stronger person. There's so much more in life.   

[cska]

Thank you everyone for the kind and wise words of advice and encouragement... . They helped me get through my pain... . You guys are the best! I will keep your advice in my thoughts... .

I get very triggered around nightfall, because that's when me and her used to take long walks in the park and look at the stars. So whenever I see the night sky, I fall apart, and it makes it very very hard to get through the night  :'(

Thank you all for the encouragement. I can't thank you guys enough... .