Update & Apology for my little disappearance

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone! Sorry for my little disappearance. Life got ahead of me, even though I haven't truly been busy busy. I needed a little break from here. What a friend pointed out to be, I was obsessing a bit over what happened to me when I truly needed to reflect on myself and what I am to do. I might make a thread about this more later-but for now, my update.

Good News: I got a summer job and should be starting sometime next week! I've been doing well with my mental health. I'm not sure if it's more being in the environment of my uBPD mom that makes me able to cope with it better or that I am starting to get a grasp on my emotion control more. It might be both? Either way, I'm becoming less depressive and getting less triggered.

If you guys remember, I was sexually assaulted last month by a close friend.  If anyone who didn't see my thread about it last month and would like more details about it, [/url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200045.msg12248492#msg12248492] this[/url] links to the thread. I'm slowly getting better on that too. I've been reaching out to the right people about it, talking about it a lot, healthily handling the trauma/raw emotions through healthy coping methods, and also taking babysteps on improving my mental situation. When I wrote the thread, I would go into the daily emotional rollercoaster of being angry, happy/improving myself (f-him won't let him drag me down happy), depressive/self-hating, happy/forgiving, repeat. Now it's more mixture of happy (F-him) with some happy/forgiving (little amounts) during most days of the week. Although I do get triggers, but it's not a daily things anymore. Once my job schedule is set up, I hope to get appointments for free counseling at the sexual assault crisis center in my town arranged. I'm rather proud of myself, how my healing process is going on!

My mom is still my mom. She doesn't make dinner 3-4 days a week, but we do have food I can make myself and left-overs for those nights more now. Since we officially moved into a townhouse, I feel a lot of stress has been lifted off her shoulders (for now) and she's going to handle her emotions better. She's not as bad as she was last summer and throughout the school year, that's for certain. She's not moping around as much and is finally getting her foot forward. She still doesn't behave in ways she should, but because of you guys and supportive RL friends, I'm getting better at handling it.

For example, yesterday she was razzing at me about helping out more (which I acknowledge, I wasn't doing as much as I should). But she starts attacking me, "All you do is take, take, take without anything to give" when that is complete BS. It really made me emotional and upset, definitely since it hasn't been easy for me with my recovery of my assault (which she does not know about). Instead of continuing fighting and defending myself, I went ahead and did what she wanted me to do. While doing so, I put on some music while also kept telling myself "what she says isn't true, she cannot properly express her emotions, I need to be the bigger person and help her through this"-stuff like that.

It is a problem to remember that her emotional rages are irrational and not worth trying to compromise with since she cannot see through her emotions. I am slowly getting better, but I'm wondering if there's a way to make the progressive excelerate more. I know babysteps and I shouldn't beat myself up since I am making progress (It's my username-I know very well) but sometimes  I wonder if I hold myself back from the true potential of those steps. It doesn't help that my triplet sister has figured out how to do it a lot faster than me. My mom even holds against me, saying how "Your triplet sister comes over and cleans and she doesn't even live here" and "Your triplet sister does not argue back" ect.  Any advice on how I can progress more?

[Babysteps]

Hey everyone! Sorry for my little disappearance. Life got ahead of me, even though I haven't truly been busy busy. I needed a little break from here. What a friend pointed out to be, I was obsessing a bit over what happened to me when I truly needed to reflect on myself and what I am to do. I might make a thread about this more later-but for now, my update.

Good News: I got a summer job and should be starting sometime next week! I've been doing well with my mental health. I'm not sure if it's more being in the environment of my uBPD mom that makes me able to cope with it better or that I am starting to get a grasp on my emotion control more. It might be both? Either way, I'm becoming less depressive and getting less triggered.

If you guys remember, I was sexually assaulted last month by a close friend.  If anyone who didn't see my thread about it last month and would like more details about it, [/url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200045.msg12248492#msg12248492] this[/url] links to the thread. I'm slowly getting better on that too. I've been reaching out to the right people about it, talking about it a lot, healthily handling the trauma/raw emotions through healthy coping methods, and also taking babysteps on improving my mental situation. When I wrote the thread, I would go into the daily emotional rollercoaster of being angry, happy/improving myself (f-him won't let him drag me down happy), depressive/self-hating, happy/forgiving, repeat. Now it's more mixture of happy (F-him) with some happy/forgiving (little amounts) during most days of the week. Although I do get triggers, but it's not a daily things anymore. Once my job schedule is set up, I hope to get appointments for free counseling at the sexual assault crisis center in my town arranged. I'm rather proud of myself, how my healing process is going on!

My mom is still my mom. She doesn't make dinner 3-4 days a week, but we do have food I can make myself and left-overs for those nights more now. Since we officially moved into a townhouse, I feel a lot of stress has been lifted off her shoulders (for now) and she's going to handle her emotions better. She's not as bad as she was last summer and throughout the school year, that's for certain. She's not moping around as much and is finally getting her foot forward. She still doesn't behave in ways she should, but because of you guys and supportive RL friends, I'm getting better at handling it.

For example, yesterday she was razzing at me about helping out more (which I acknowledge, I wasn't doing as much as I should). But she starts attacking me, "All you do is take, take, take without anything to give" when that is complete BS. It really made me emotional and upset, definitely since it hasn't been easy for me with my recovery of my assault (which she does not know about). Instead of continuing fighting and defending myself, I went ahead and did what she wanted me to do. While doing so, I put on some music while also kept telling myself "what she says isn't true, she cannot properly express her emotions, I need to be the bigger person and help her through this"-stuff like that.

It is a problem to remember that her emotional rages are irrational and not worth trying to compromise with since she cannot see through her emotions. I am slowly getting better, but I'm wondering if there's a way to make the progressive excelerate more. I know babysteps and I shouldn't beat myself up since I am making progress (It's my username-I know very well) but sometimes  I wonder if I hold myself back from the true potential of those steps. It doesn't help that my triplet sister has figured out how to do it a lot faster than me. My mom even holds against me, saying how "Your triplet sister comes over and cleans and she doesn't even live here" and "Your triplet sister does not argue back" ect.  Any advice on how I can progress more?

[GeekyGirl]

Welcome back, and no need for apologies. We all need offline time. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well!

I'm not sure if it's more being in the environment of my uBPD mom that makes me able to cope with it better or that I am starting to get a grasp on my emotion control more. It might be both? Either way, I'm becoming less depressive and getting less triggered.

It could be both. You've learned a lot over the past few months. It also sounds like  your mother is doing better in a lower-maintenance house, which could mean that her behavior is less intense. Either way, it's good that you're starting to feel better and more empowered.

Any advice on how I can progress more?

You're doing some good things for yourself, with the job, the upcoming counseling (which will help you in several ways), and by looking at how you can cope better with your mother's behavior.  Keep going. Stop by here when you can, use the lessons here, find ways to keep yourself busy.