uBPD mother

[daughterofubpdp]

I have slowly realized that if i were to explain my life and my experiences to a friend they would become overwhelmed and be unable to listen. The hard part of it is I have no part in creating the problem but I am there to clean it up and I always seem to get dragged into whatever the latest crisis is. I spent the first part of my life in a very isolated home with an uBPD mother and an abusive (every sense) step father. Most days i felt like a walking zombie (before they were cool). The things my mother would say to me were insane, the things she did, also insane. I had a hard time holding onto friends, boyfriends and family members. I believed that it was me.

Every moment was about my mother and what she needed and how to handle her or how to avoid another blow up and every other moment was about dealing with my sf. My siblings and I  were raised in a benign religious cult that preached perfection. So i never said anything about the hell that we lived in.

When I finally got away from all of it it took years and a patient and loving husband to help me get to the point I am now. I feel that I can look at it objectively and do what I need to in order to have a happy life.

For years my mother told me how she was going to leave my step father. Anytime he would physically abuse me she would ask me what I did to provoke him. Then she would kind of wither and say how she wished she could leave him. I felt protective of her. I didn't tell her about the sexual abuse because I feared that she would fall apart. My life was a prison! when I finally told her about the SA she said she would really leave him. four years later she finally did leave. My younger siblings 26, 23, 16 are with her. she has no job and neither do any of my sibs though the two oldest hold college degrees. she had my brother fired from his job because she called his boss.She doesn't allow them to have relationships or friendships and has them believing they are worthless. she will even go into their emails and fb accounts, read everything and then use it against them. When I offer them a place to stay they decline and yet they call me days later crying and saying how much they hate their lives. I can't walk away from it because I know what it is like to live that way. I wish someone had pulled me out of it.

I live my life now in a dysfunctional way. I rarely go outside. I have no friends. I have nothing outside of my own home. I am so afraid of people finding out about everything and the guilt is overwhelming.

I recently told my aunt and uncle about everything and now my siblings will not talk to me and blame me for ruining their lives. I am so spent. This woman, my mother, is so manipulative and volatile. She lies and blames me. She tried to ruin my marriage. She makes my brother sleep outside. she is never the same person. I never know what to expect. I am so lost.

I think of all the cruel, and disgusting things she and my sf have done and i wonder if i can ever be happy and recover.

[scallops]

Dear daughter

oh what a tale you tell... . how brave of you to share it with us and maybe that is the first step for you to start the healing and find a way to recover and cope with the pain.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Someone you can work through these issues with. You have been through so much.

Here is an article to read that might help you... .

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm


Take a deep breathe ... . you have found a site where you have friends and can relate to all you are saying. There are individual board that you can post on when you are ready but for now take in the advise from people here. I want to send a hug your way... . in hopes it can ease your pain little... .  

[Kwamina]

Welcome daughterofuBPDp

I agree with scallops, very brave of you indeed to share your heartbreaking story. I can relate to many aspects of your story, like how your mother isolates your younger siblings and doesn't allow them to have friendships and relationships. You describe your life growing up as a prison, that's exactly how I felt too. Fortunately I've been able to escape like you but I understand how hard it must be to see your younger siblings still going through al this with your mother. I also have often wished someone would have pulled me out of it, unfortunately we can't change the past but we can change how we deal with the memories and negative thoughts. You wonder if you can ever be happy and recover. I'm no fortuneteller of course  but I think you joining this site and sharing your story is the first step on your path to recovery. Dealing with all the hurt is difficult, I'm still struggling myself but I'm doing much better than before so things can definitely get better. There is hope for us!