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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: If BPD causes them to forget you, why do so many recycle and obsess?  (Read 5446 times)
PretentiousBread

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 47


« Reply #30 on: May 14, 2019, 10:02:49 PM »

object permanence, or the concept of "out of sight, out of mind", is not, i dont think, literally meant to suggest that our partners "forget we exist" when we arent in front of them. the title of this thread, and most of our own experiences would reasonably lead us to believe to the contrary.

object permanence is really the ability to self soothe feelings of loneliness, emptiness, abandonment, etc, with images of, with the sense of, and the comfort of, loved ones, our memories of them, the things we look forward to with them. to know that we are loved, and to feel that love.

i remember the many nights, when i wasnt with my ex, that she would sink into total despair, and shed ask to speak to me on the phone. her feelings of loneliness were palpable and i never understood it. id remind her of my love for her, try to cheer her up. remind her of things she had to look forward to. im sure that she appreciated the effort, but for the life of her, it made no difference in that moment. i could sense that when we were getting off the phone, she was going off to cry.

this impaired ability (to varying degrees) can speak to a lot of aspects of BPD.

when we are talking about how quickly some of our partners seem to move on though, a hard thing for me to swallow was that my ex had, perhaps not completely, but on a lot of levels, grieved the relationship. it wasnt just hard to swallow though, it was hard to see, given that it hadnt even been long since she expressed "falling in love with me all over again". but people with BPD traits over express themselves (for better and worse), and if your ex was unsure about breaking up, maybe having second thoughts, all of that can make for a very confusing breakup.

Yes, that's well explained. The water bucket with holes in it is a good metaphor. It's like they have a problem instantiating positive human interactions, it's never enough to be shown or told that someone cares for them. They have to fish for these compliments any time they're 'thirsty' for emotional supply.

You also make a good point about the ex being unsure. Something I myself have been guilty of since the breakup is seeing her behaviour in binary terms, assuming their actions were total and without any regret. I'll explain it all tomorrow, but in my case, I think my ex literally decided to breakup with me while she was drinking at the bar immediately before meeting me for what would be our last date...
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JerichoJax

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 18


« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2019, 07:21:08 PM »

Right now with my ex husband I am definitely in a box on the shelf and forgotten.  Reading through this thread I am curious as my ex-husband  ended it and I don't think there was another box on the shelf.  One of ex is married and lives 1,500 miles away.  Another one who discarded him lives 1,200 miles away and is sorta with someone.  That leaves one that is single and local that was physically abusive according to him though think it might be the other way round not sure.  There is another that was in the city we lived in before he discarded and moved however I am told they don't like each other.

Mine has heavy enmeshment with his sister who also became a pseudo mother due to his mother being a drug addict.  They are 4 months apart.  Prior to the discard they were trying to figure out how to get her husband to move where we lived ... he insisted on moving in 2016 to live somewhere warmer.  Next his sister started putting guild trips on him about his nephew wanting him at his games and so forth which wasn't possible as we were living 1,000 miles away. 

He did sorta leave the door open saying things soon after ending things which he now denies such as "if we are friends we might end up back together" and "it will be a while before we have sex".  He says he is focused on his career and doesn't even have time for a friendship now especially with an ex he cares deeply about.  We haven't talked since that conversation in June.

So I am wondering could the box taken off the shelf be his family as he may have felt he abandoned them when he pushed to move?  Could the box be his need to have a career now after repeatedly sabotaging himself and thinking the relationship wouldn't allow him to build a career?

I can see a lot in this thread however just curious is a box can be family or career.
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WhatJustHappened?
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 284


« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2019, 10:06:35 AM »

This is spot on. Truth!

I dont believe that they "forget" you, but they put those feelings for you in a box and set it on the shelf.  They cant process the pain, so your memory must go there.

One day when they are in pain and need soothing, they look at their boxes on the shelf... . and think about how good "your" box on the shelf made them feel.  How that box on the shelf always cared and supported them.  Maybe that box on the shelf can take away their pain again.


So they take a look inside the box to see if there is anything in that box left for them.  Notice that nothing in what I said is about you.  Its about them.


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Wicker Man
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Attempting to reconcile after my affair.
Posts: 507


« Reply #33 on: August 10, 2019, 12:19:17 PM »

object permanence, or the concept of "out of sight, out of mind", is not, i dont think, literally meant to suggest that our partners "forget we exist" when we arent in front of them.

People with BPD are human beings -which means they are all  different... but in extreme cases they can lack object consistency to a shocking degree.

from https://themighty.com/2017/06/bpd-time-perception-object-permanence-borderline/  This is quite an interesting article.  I will share a few excerpts.

" ...I have trouble creating an image of them [friends]  in my mind. Even if it’s only been a few days since I’ve spoken to my friends or seen them, it feels like it’s been weeks, if not months."

This is similar to what @onceremoved spoke of.

The following is the more complete lack of object consistency I saw when Dream Come True was drinking --I ceased to exist.

"...Each time I see one partner [she is polyamorous] after spending time with the other, I go through a transition period when I have to remember I know them. Most of my memories with this person are temporarily lost in my mind and I struggle to feel safe around them for a while. I have a hard time holding onto memories in general. There are huge gaps in my memory..."

The article also talks about the time dilation suffers of BPD can experience -have a look
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        A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?
Stillhopeful4
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 470



« Reply #34 on: August 13, 2019, 07:49:01 AM »


We fell in love their their child-like heart and spirit.  They were able to reach deep down into our psyche and stir-up our own inner child even those that were wounded.  We just didn't have any idea how much like a child they really are.



OMG this.  I could not have said this better myself.  Thank you, I needed this validation today!
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