where are you?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

3 months of NC and I'm at indifference already. Don't care what she's up to or how she's doing. She's just somebody I used to know.

[paperlung]

3 months of NC and I'm at indifference already. Don't care what she's up to or how she's doing. She's just somebody I used to know.

[confetti]

Can I ask... .

Is acceptance a phase that allows some form of "well it was okay.  " feelings?

I feel as though through each couple of months I went through all 5 stages rapidly, restarting it as a cycle, then around 5 months in just hit acceptance.

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

[seeking balance]

Can I ask... .

Is acceptance a phase that allows some form of "well it was okay.  " feelings?

I feel as though through each couple of months I went through all 5 stages rapidly, restarting it as a cycle, then around 5 months in just hit acceptance.

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

you can ask 

Acceptance is just that - it is what it is, emotionally we are balanced and our lives have moved on productively.  This doesn't mean we cannot get triggered and go in for another round of grief, we certainly can - the breakups push our very core.  But, we can hear about ex randomly and we don't react.  Or we get sad news and ex is no longer the  person we think to call for support.

I don't quite understand this question, can you help clarify for me?

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

[seeking balance]

3 months of NC and I'm at indifference already. Don't care what she's up to or how she's doing. She's just somebody I used to know.

[confetti]

Can I ask... .

Is acceptance a phase that allows some form of "well it was okay.  " feelings?

I feel as though through each couple of months I went through all 5 stages rapidly, restarting it as a cycle, then around 5 months in just hit acceptance.

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

you can ask 

Acceptance is just that - it is what it is, emotionally we are balanced and our lives have moved on productively.  This doesn't mean we cannot get triggered and go in for another round of grief, we certainly can - the breakups push our very core.  But, we can hear about ex randomly and we don't react.  Or we get sad news and ex is no longer the  person we think to call for support.

I don't quite understand this question, can you help clarify for me?

Are all feelings thrown in at the end? I can feel all of my feelings about it while coming to terms that it what's done is done.

Nope, that answered the last question there ~ like being able to feel emotions about them still, without it being part of the stages.

I am very grateful for that answer, thank you!

[Sleuth]

If I were a flavour of Ice cream I'd be mostly vanilla acceptance, with chocolate chips of depression and pistashio nuts of anger. Generally most spoonfuls (days) contain a rogue nut or chip. Or multiples.

Bargaining with her has long gone. Bargaining with myself about the authenticity of our relationship still happens, I guess that's actually denial. Let's call it denial sauce. Somedays I like to have some denial sauce on my spoonful of BPD Special Fallout Flavour.

Whichever way you look at it; that's a ___ed up sundae.  

It's difficult to pin down our actual breakup, but I say last september, so what's that? 9 months. It is definitely getting better, however I know I am still not right.

She text me a week ago yesterday for the first time in months, something she'd seen online had reminded her of a silly game we used to play, so she saw fit to remind me. Then wrap it up with a 'hope you're good' or some other pointless nonsense.

It threw me. I had double helpings all week. But. I didn't reply, even though I thought about it a lot. I would've replied, It wasn't me being strong or not wanting to break my NC tally. It just dawned on me after 3 days of thinking about it: I have truly nothing to say to this person. As far as I'm concerned: ever again.

[seeking balance]

Sleuth,

I do hope you stick around, your writing is absolutely accurate while very entertaining!

Whichever way you look at it; that's a ___ed up sundae.  

This is going on my list of all time favorite bpdfamily.com quotes - right up there with "Put the Ding Dong down"... .  

let's play a game - since most folks posting are newer in this thread, who knows the origins/topic of "Put the Ding Dong Down"?  When you find it, where would you put that into the stages of grief?

[Bananas]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124872.msg1230182#msg1230182

Love it!

A little bit of bargaining no?  Then acceptance.  And coincidentally my ex just shaved his head bald. 

[seeking balance]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124872.msg1230182#msg1230182

Love it!

A little bit of bargaining no?  Then acceptance.  And coincidentally my ex just shaved his head bald. 

Bananas wins the prize - yep, I would say some bargaining.   

Here is the full post from the amazing 2010... .

If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

What does luck have to do with intent? Nothing. What does luck have to do with willpower? Nothing. If it is your intention to engage him in conversation, luck (or bad luck as it appears) is only an excuse to continue dialogue with a person that hurt you.

Having to be in the same place with him is nothing less than having to go grocery shopping while you're on a diet. You dont go into a supermarket and find yourself in the cookies and candy aisle because you're unlucky.  You might want to tempt fate and walk the aisle to prove something to yourself- but for the most part- that's setting yourself up in order to fail- and it's your addictive brain talking *instead* of your rational reason. The addictive brain loves to blame bad decisions on "luck."

If you happen down that cookie/candy aisle without thought, and then pick up a box of Hostess *Ding Dongs* just to sniff them- you'll find out pretty quickly that one sniff leads to a touch, and a touch leads to a read of the label, then... . the Ding Dong gets thrown into the cart. What's it going to hurt? Certainly the Ding Dong wants this, right? The Ding Dong says, "why hello, you've obviously been thinking about me. You obviously care. And I care too- I care that I have you right where I want. What a coincidence you walked down this aisle. To see me? Now, touch me, tell me how you like my new bald headed snowball wrapper- ssssh- don't speak- take me Home... . "

Addictive thought doesn't want you to think about the first defense (dont go down the aisle) BUT if you find yourself in the aisle, do not loiter- do not make small talk. Get away- do your business shopping and LEAVE. Do not sniff the Ding Dong, do not touch the Ding Dong and do not read the label to figure out if Ding Dong's ingredients are healthy. They are not. He is a Ding Dong. A ding dong is only empty calories- and if you take a bite you will get a sugar high only to crash and burn later with nothing to show for it.

Put the Ding Dong Down.

[bb12]

Hey SB - great idea for a thread

I am 2 years out of the main r/s but for the 6 months that followed, I pursued friendship. Oddly, this was the most painful time of all, as I came to realise my ex had big issues and that the type of friendship he was offering, was not one I would want. In point of fact, I didn't recognise the push / pull that constituted our romantic r/s as BPD until after we had broken up.

As I tried to find a friendship with my ex, I was stuck in denial and bargaining. For some reason I never really went through the anger phase. I have learned that this is likely due to my own codependency and my learned ability to block what I deem to be negative emotions.

My ex moved on lightning fast and in the 6 months of 'friendship' actually went through 3 other 'partners' all the while treating me appallingly. Then the discard. He disappeared and this is when I spiraled out of control and into depression. I sought professional help, got medicated and found this site

I tried NC but failed often. I just didn't believe someone could do that: dismiss someone to the point of non-existence so quickly. So I bargained and begged and when the silent treatment continued, my anger kicked in. Finally 10 months ago I saw the illness for what it was and had also explored my own FOO issues enough to try NC again with more resolve. I have not broken NC since and I swear, it is like a miracle. About 6 months ago I clicked into another phase and my self-esteem came back. I was more in the moment and very grateful for the lesson and to have snapped out of old patterns.

Now I am completely in Personal Freedom and thriving. I never would have believed I could feel this good... . especially when in those darkest days. For me, the most debiliating factor was the physical symptoms of the abuse. My body was in a heightened state... . a permanent lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Mentally, I was in 'detached protector' and nothing seemed real. I was a foot back in my head watching my life but not actually living it.

Exercise, meditation, mindfulness and a bunch of writing and reading really snapped me out of it.

Now I feel 90% cured and grateful for all of it. I even forgive my ex and wish him only good things.

I see the illness and feel enormous pity for him and his journey. Part of me wants to help... . with all that I now know. But I am finally more inclined to help myself first and already know that I am a trigger for him and can be of no assistance.

The only thing that keeps me a little bit stuck is the shame I can feel when examining my own behaviour... . the fact that I was codependent, controlling and that I probably never gave for the sake of it. I can see my part in the dance and have some regrets there. I am also not good at owning my anger and feeling justified about it. Some of the things I said as I was being ignored were very hurtful and I can feel bad about that. But I am learning to forgive myself and already know that I won't do those sorts of things again in the future. And that is where my head is at now: the future... . instead of the past. I have been living in the past for too long and it feels incredible to be looking forward again and not back. The present and the future are full of colours and a clarity that I have never known before. We really do need to see darkness to know what light is



bb12

[seeking balance]

Bood stuff here BB - you really did outline doing the work really well.   A few parts of your post that I found true too... .

I tried NC but failed often. I just didn't believe someone could do that: dismiss someone to the point of non-existence so quickly. So I bargained and begged and when the silent treatment continued, my anger kicked in.


Now I am completely in Personal Freedom and thriving. I never would have believed I could feel this good... . especially when in those darkest days.


The only thing that keeps me a little bit stuck is the shame I can feel when examining my own behaviour... .

The present and the future are full of colours and a clarity that I have never known before. We really do need to see darkness to know what light is

[seeking balance]

Ok Leavers - there are many who have yet to join the party here - I know you have read it... . no need to be scared or ashamed here - jump in.

Heck, there is some past post of mine where I was talking about my T saying, "SB, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right... . "  and I literally just wanted to be right!  How is that for a dose of anger!

Where are you?  Most of us are not at acceptance here... . let us know how you feel folks, it helps... .

[Bach Cantatas]

Two and a half months into NC after a four year relationship. I had been progressing well and found my head clearing and a sense of my "old self" returning however the last few days have been difficult and I suspect I am feeling a little depressed. The failure to provide a form of "closure" (refused by my ex) has been difficult though educating myself on these boards has helped greatly. I understand and accept rationally what happened in my life yet the sadness can be overpowering sometimes. How odd to know that you loved a phantom that was never truly there, yet despite knowing this, you find yourself missing it!

Best wishes to all and God`s help in all or journeys of recovery!

[sm15000]

where are you?

We were 13 years together. . .as I said 2 yrs since the split - a year NC until a few months ago he asked me to connect on a professional networking site.

I think it was the shock that hit me the most. . .and a shock that recreated something in my past when I was 17 that I most probably have never really processed properly.  It was like opening Pandora's Box, he was very Jekyll & Hyde.

Our r/s until the final year or so was wonderful - I'll never regret it.  I don't have the history of experiencing raging, moods, silent treatment, re-cycles that others have had - he was very stable.  I'm not saying in hindsight I didn't notice strange things and I knew at the start he had a history of cheating (and was seeing others) which I decided to ignore   but this wasn't an on-going feeling - when we started seeing each other regularly (after about 2 yrs) he never made me suspicious of other women.  I noticed the change in behaviour very quickly at the end.

So, where am I?  Well, its taken me a while   there really were some dark times but I feel I've let reality in now - for a long, long time I just couldn't believe it.  I feel the process has been made much, much harder by a period of unemployment and financial worry over the same time.  I've really felt my life has fallen apart at 48 in a couple of years.

Strange thing is after a year when I saw the connection request off him, my body reacted.  I sat with the feeling for months, really thought about it and practised mindfulness.  I actually did reply recently because I suddenly felt much stronger - and knew I didn't want or hope for anything from it.  I just don't want to ignore someone who for a long time was a great part of my life. . .that was making me feel worse.

I haven't dated as yet. . .but I'm looking forward to it when it happens.  I just want to find a job and start to live again. . .I do feel more at peace.

[babyducks]

Nice Thread.  Thank you.

I am two months out of a 10 month relationship.   I think I bounce between two stages, the processing stage where I am still becoming aware and the sadness stage where I miss her, and mourn what I hoped to have with her.

It is getting better.   Slowly. 

[KellyO]

I have nothing to do with my ex-bf, it's been 2 months now after last, final recycle-attempt. I have noticed that I still have these thoughts that IF he would CHANGE (=realize how he is and take responsibility for it and see how amazing I am, of course), I still would try with him. But it is just a thought, not a feeling... . there is a difference there! Thought is like: yes, I believe everything in this world is possible and I'm willing to give even that a chance IF that miracle would happen... . but I'm not holding my breath here and actually world is filled with pretty awesome men! Feeling was (when I still had it):  I'm desperate, there is no love for me without him, he is the only one who can understand me, I'm ruined and lonely the rest of my life if he won't come back, and I don't want to live without him!

Those feelings are long gone.

Right now I have enough at my plate when trying to find a way to provide myself, get a new profession, get a job... . enough to keep me concentrating in myself. And I'm still working with  my stuff so if I someday would meet some Nice Fellow, I wouldn't bring all that has happened to that relationship. I study all kinds of interesting spiritual healing stuff and whatnots, as I'm very spiritual person. It has been very helpful and provided me with lots of growth.

I'm no way attached to my ex-bf anymore. I do not long after relationship. Sometimes I feel moody and miss being loved... . and then I remind myself I was never loved by him and at those moments I thought I was, I was just been mirrored. And then I go and watch a romantic movie and laugh.

[seeking balance]

How odd to know that you loved a phantom that was never truly there, yet despite knowing this, you find yourself missing it!

Yes, grieving the "what if" once we accept the reality of "what was".  Radical acceptance that my words and actions aligned does not mean my ex was capable of living the same helped with closure in my mind.

Thank you for sharing.

[seeking balance]

Thanks for sharing sm15000

where are you?

We were 13 years together. . .as I said 2 yrs since the split - a year NC until a few months ago he asked me to connect on a professional networking site.

I had a similar thing occur a couple months ago - not a request, but "you may know this person" on a professional networking site.  I was stunned for a minute, let myself sit and breathe and then hit the delete button and moved on.  It is a jolt when we put these behind us and they pop back up randomly.

You were together a long time, glad you are feeling more peace.

[seeking balance]

I have noticed that I still have these thoughts that IF he would CHANGE (=realize how he is and take responsibility for it and see how amazing I am, of course), I still would try with him. But it is just a thought, not a feeling... . there is a difference there! Thought is like: yes, I believe everything in this world is possible and I'm willing to give even that a chance IF that miracle would happen... . but I'm not holding my breath here and actually world is filled with pretty awesome men! Feeling was (when I still had it):  I'm desperate, there is no love for me without him, he is the only one who can understand me, I'm ruined and lonely the rest of my life if he won't come back, and I don't want to live without him!

Thanks for sharing your experience with the "thoughts" versus "feelings".  When so much is swirling around in our heads & hearts it is good to be able to really separate them all out.

I found it helpful to remember both feelings and thoughts - "this too shall pass"

[TheDude]

We all have heard the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Eh.

I've added two stages of my own to the list.

Living and Thriving. 

[seeking balance]

We all have heard the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Eh.

I've added two stages of my own to the list.

Living and Thriving. 

Nice - those are the advanced class on the personal inventory board 

[Murbay]

I hit the anger and acceptance stage yesterday both at the same time.

I'm angry because I see things for what they were and just how manipulative exBPDw was. Then worst part being she had no concept of being manipulative, to her it was just normal. She saw it as something to be admired and I'm angry at myself for putting that trust and belief in what she was telling me was correct. I have no idea, when I have been brought up to know different, why I actually believed that about her.

The acceptance came after that anger passed and I actually saw her entirely for what she was. I'm still sad because I know there is a desperate child in there needing someone to rescue her and that she is too rooted to even know it will only keep leading to destruction but I'm done.

She recycles through the same list, leaves when they are battered down, waits for them to nurse back to a healthier place and then does it again. The only person on her list who actually got healthy was step daughters father, he is long gone, living a healthy life and that was down to NC. I know this because she still spies on him.

The others are just as bad as she is, they throw on a band aid and the dance with them begins again. Something I would have probably been guilty of if I hadn't found this site. I understand why my T was adamant she would be back 6 months to a year from now. Im also angry at her because its like she knows how long to wait. Not long enough for someone to work out the truth but long enough that they are in a place to supply her again. Wait for me to recharge and then recycle. Only this time I will be waiting and I won't fall in to that trap. Acceptance of what it was