A random thought

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Several people have posted on the site about an ex getting back in touch with them at the 3 month point and someone else mentioned that 3 seems to be a magic number in regard to BPD.

Looking at my own experience, my exBPDw wanted to get married 3 months in to the relationship, we lasted 3 years almost to the day before she decided on the divorce and it was 3 days after I left that she raged on the T. She had 3 sessions with the T before she decided she didn't want to go back and we had 3 couples sessions before she decided that was enough too.

There have been quite a few posts where 3 seems to be the magic number and wondered if this is co-incidence or if there a psychological reason behind it? Obviously not all, but there have been quite a number of people where 3 does appear to be the magic number.

[Murbay]

Several people have posted on the site about an ex getting back in touch with them at the 3 month point and someone else mentioned that 3 seems to be a magic number in regard to BPD.

Looking at my own experience, my exBPDw wanted to get married 3 months in to the relationship, we lasted 3 years almost to the day before she decided on the divorce and it was 3 days after I left that she raged on the T. She had 3 sessions with the T before she decided she didn't want to go back and we had 3 couples sessions before she decided that was enough too.

There have been quite a few posts where 3 seems to be the magic number and wondered if this is co-incidence or if there a psychological reason behind it? Obviously not all, but there have been quite a number of people where 3 does appear to be the magic number.

[laelle]

I wouldnt think a number is any indication for the behavior of someone with BPD, or anyone else for that matter.  

Its possible that the average recycle length is around 6 months from what I have seen, and it takes about half of that to start feeling better and more balanced?

Maybe 3 months is the average amount of time that it takes for them to want to peek inside the emotional box they put you in to see if you have anything they want or need?

Maybe 3 means nothing... .

The question is... . What makes 3 important to you?

[connect]

Hello,

I have had two r/s's with nons where after NC they have both contacted me again after 3 months.

My BPDbf has also done this twice after 3 months NC with his ex's.

I have also seen it with friends r/s's. I said on my post about this subject before that it is the length of a season in nature and I wondered if there was a link there somehow? Fairy/magic stuff? But I do keep seeing it.

[tailspin]

3 isn't a magic number; this only represents the cycle-time associated with the idealization phase ending.  I believe they can sense the beginning of their anxiety and rush to solidify things before the chaos begins; to snare us before we really get to know who they are.  Our ex's are survivors; they've had to learn what works best for them in order to keep their emotional irregularity under control.  

Pushing or forcing intimacy is one of the ways in which we are lured into the depths of these relationships before we can figure out it really wasn't intimacy at all, but intensity as a result of the forced intimacy.  We confuse intensity for intimacy because it happened so fast.  I want to make a point here to stress that allowing the relationship to gallop instead of walk was our choice; we could have slowed things down, but chose not to.  Instinctively, we might have known this would have been a deal breaker, and we didn't want to "lose" them.

Of course this all plays right into our own intimacy avoiding issues and sounds great at first.  What we imagined to be the perfect setting soon results in mind-boggling craziness, and in order to untangle the web that we've helped to weave, we must first realize the person who we imagined them to be never really existed in the first place.  

They were always who we wanted them to be and never who they really were.  I think what we see after the mirroring ends is the false self they've created.

tailspin  

[seeking balance]

3 months = 90 days is the number used in treating addictive behavior, especially in the 12 Step community.

90 meetings in 90 days

30/60/90 day in-patient rehab

Whether they contact us or we contact them, it seems to happen most regularly during the detox 90 day timeline.  Brain chemistry changes during that time a bit as do habits.

Real behavioral change - neurons in the brain like what happens with DBT takes longer.

[Findingmysong723]

"They were always who we wanted them to be and never who they really were.  I think what we see after the mirroring ends is the false self they've created."

This line from you Tailspin resonated with me, my Ex used that line or something very close to that about me. He said "I don't really know "my name," you just show me who you think I want you to be." He was expressing his frustration with our relationship and how much he wanted to really fall in love with me not just love me. If that wasn't projection I don't know what is! I admit that I have my own issues with communication and opening up but even when I did, he didn't like how decided to do it most of the times. I admit that sometimes I needed time to open up about something and writing it down has always been easier for me for more serious things. So, I had my own issues, but I feel like I was trying and he made it very hard to feel safe and I need that to open up since it's something hard for me to do. So, having my ex boyfriend always pulling the rug out from under me as soon as I felt safe did nothing to help the situation, it jut make it worse!

[Murbay]

Some really good points from everyone, especially the explanation there seeking balance.

Laelle, it's a good question but I can't think of where 3 would be important to me unless in the context seeking balance has written. With Aspergers, I tend to see patterns in almost anything, even things that don't necessarily have patterns and it was just something I noticed in my own relationship but also in others that have posted on the board so maybe that's where 3 came from.

[expos]

This is CRAZY.  I was in touch with my exBPD at around the 90 day mark on both occasions post divorce!

My timeline of contact... .

November 10, 2012  (indifference)

March 6, 2013 (bad, I mean BRUTAL)

June 11, 2013 (cordial, kind, maybe indifferent?)