Is it common for a BPD to be from a family of BPDers?

[Alfalffasgirl]

Dealing with my husband's BPD is hard, but I love him and I want to learn how to cope. His sister and his mother display huge BPD traits and add much  unnecessary drama to our lives. Is this common? How we remove those complications from our already complicated life?

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[Somewhere]

Very common.

Snakes, spiders, sharks . . .  all sorts of scary things come in clusters.

When you consider the two major components that are sourced in BPD -- Genetics + Trauma/Abandonment, (and the trauma they inflict on others, especially family) it sort of makes sense.

In the end the only thing you can remove is . . . yourself.

[Rockylove]

My fiance recently told me that his mother believed his father had a "mental illness" and although we haven't a way to confirm that, I believe there is the possibility of a genetic predisposition.

The only "advise" I'd give someone who has in-law drama is don't get tangled up in it.  You can't control their behavior~~only the way you respond to it.  Read as much as you can about BPD and co-dependency... . post here often~~there is sage advise from some very wise people here

[Murbay]

It can be very difficult to do but it is possible.

I had no option in the in-law drama. My exBPDw still lived at home with her parents and her mother is classic BPD too so I got a double dose and no way out of that situation. In your own situation, you can choose how much of that drama you allow in and how it affects you.

Setting healthy boundaries does not just apply to a partner but you can also use it for family members too. Boundaries are about protecting you and possibly the best place to start 

[VeryFree]

My stbx mother definitely has a uPD.

Her father definitely has emotional problems that started in his own youth.

There is a reason why my stbx developed her own PD!

[churlish]

My wife is BPD, pretty sure her mother is as well, plus an alcoholic.  Lot's of unnecessary drama and bickering.  I was in BPD hell last month while on a "getaway":

I went on a week trip to Texas to see a couple friends from my Marine days, leaving my wife with her mother in California (we live in Alaska), I was gone for two days before the phone calls started- my wife, calling me in tears and in emotional breakdown after a fight with her mother- which included her calling Security to have her mother removed from the hospital she was admitted in- followed a short time later by a call from her mother, also in tears, detailing everything that had occured. 

[Wanda]

 I believe my mother in law has BPD of coarse i don't know because she is undiagnoised but she is on prozac.  I stay out of her BPD i deal with my  husbands he is enough although she can do things just like my husband and don't remember doing them,,... .    most the time she is ok but yea she really can start drama... .

[raindancer]

Absolutely yes. I agree.

My dBPDbf, his mother, now his D. Recent events has sparked a lot of in-depth talking between SO and I - the more he talks about it, the more are both starting to think it's possibly through the whole one side of his family. Cousins, aunts, uncles... .

The grandfather (SO says) was "peculiar" and had major issues with unemployment, drinking, drugs and broken relationships, and he was found dead may have been suicide.

I know it's a dramatic bunch and every molehill is a mountain. Lots of family bickering, vendettas and hard feelings that go on for decades apparently. But anyone from "outside" who crosses one of them can expect the wrath of all of them.

Also lots of problems with alcohol, drugs and broken relationships amongst all of them.

Very common.

Snakes, spiders, sharks . . .  all sorts of scary things come in clusters.

When you consider the two major components that are sourced in BPD -- Genetics + Trauma/Abandonment, (and the trauma they inflict on others, especially family) it sort of makes sense.

In the end the only thing you can remove is . . . yourself.

Very well put, Somewhere. Not sure yet if I'm staying or going - I'm usually on "undecided" but this question is interesting.

I will say, though, because of recent events and us talking about this exact question - he realises more and more the need for him to continue with T (good thing).

[Murbay]

It's a difficult question to answer. I'm sure there are some genetics behind it because BPD can actually be picked up on an MRI so it has some physical aspects as well as mental ones.

I guess just because a parent has BPD doesn't necessarily mean it will be passed on to a child. However, I do think upbringing plays a part too and if you have a close parent who is BPD and you hang on their every word, I'm sure your perception of the outside world and the interactions you have can be very similar. Children learn by mirroring so it makes sense that if you mirror a pwBPD all your life, you are bound to have a lot of traits that could potentially have you diagnosed as BPD.

The mother of my eldest daughter (we were together for 2 years 13 years ago now) exhibited a lot of BPD traits, such as major abandonment issues beyond the illogical. She would turn up at my workplace simply because she heard a woman in the background. I once got a Britney Spears CD thrown at me for my birthday because she was convinced I was going to abandon her to marry Britney. I wasn't even a fan but think I just made a comment one night to a friend about her being hot. A lot of the arguments we had were entirely irrational and just 3 days after we separated, she turned up at my house to introduce me to her new boyfriend.

Despite all of this, my exgf wasn't the issue, it was her mother. Her mother would call asking to borrow some money for cigarettes and alcohol. If we said no, we would get a text to say she was going to end her life and then she wouldn't pick up the phone or if we went around, the doors were locked and bolted. The only way to appease her was to give her the money. Major emotional blackmail and all the hallmarks of BPD.

All of my exgf's fears and insecurities, right down to her abandonment fears were not her own. They were her mothers that had been passed on to her which is why they were irrational and didn't make much sense.

So what happened? The short lived relationship that happened after me, coupled with the fact that I moved house when she decided to move into the house opposite mine led her to have a major breakdown and she sought help. She addressed all of her issues and has now been in a successful relationship with a great guy for the past 8 years, daughter is thriving, exgf has a great job and is responsible and we are good friends. We have disagreements about little things every now and again but we can actually work through them as adults.

The twisted part of the story though is my exBPDw is now good friends with my exgf and as I look from the outside, they have a lot of things in common in terms of career, personalities etc... . I know my exBPDw has BPD but I was never convinced my exgf did, I just think she took on a lot of her mothers traits which she eventually worked though.

[waverider]

There are a lot of high probability factors in the risk of BPD arising, in any particular case you can't say for sure which causes it, only that it could be either factor or a combination of them. Its a bit like cancer its just a roll of the dice, except for some the dice are loaded.

As far as dealing with it, remember that everything you hear from all sides of it, your partner of family members, has gone through BPD filters so may be somewhat twisted, no matter how believeable. Especially when it gets to second or third hand accounts.

So try not to be caught in the middle or you could end up holding the can.

[Alfalffasgirl]

Thank you, EVERYONE for responding to this question. I love having this much insight, makes me feel like I'm not in this alone!

I have noticed that my husband does much better with BPD when we keep our visits with his mom/sister to a minimum. We are probably going to be transferred to the New England area by the end of the year so that distance will probably help a lot. Holidays are really crazy when he gets anxious to have to deal with his mom and his sister. Now we will have an excuse to not have to celebrate holidays with them that doesn't cause the inevitable drama.

[Highlander]

I have had two completely independent therapists tell me that they have no doubt that my dBPDh's mother either has BPD or has many strong traits. 

My husband and I both believe that his sister also has the disorder and we hold fears that she may be unknowingly exposing her child to behavior (such as invalidating her son's emotions) that may increase his chances of getting the disorder. 

Unfortunately it is not possible to tell either my mother in law or sister in law that we believe they may be suffering from the disorder and exposing the next generation as it would only lead to a blow up.  We have managed to tell them about my husband's diagnosis and asked them to read more into it so that they can understand their son/brother's illness, but I am afraid they haven't seemed too interested.  Maybe because they don't think my husband really is sick (they believe it is me with the problem!).

Anyway, my concentrations must focus on my husbands health and since we purchased a number of books on BPD, my husband and I have been not only able to use them on himself but to better understand his sister and mother's actions.  By doing so, he is then able to look at them in a different light and block them from being able to manipulate him especially when it comes to their lack of respect they have towards me. 

We also have had to set boundaries.  They are only allowed to stay at our house for one night.  They think that the reasons are because his therapist has advised it because he is unwell.  And although this is true, they have no idea that people that have good influences on my husband are not limited to one night stays.  If his mother and sister ever found out that my parents are allowed to stay indefinitely, I am sure they would explode!

[waverider]

but I am afraid they haven't seemed too interested.  Maybe because they don't think my husband really is sick (they believe it is me with the problem!).

My partners family have much the same attitude, that in itself is a  that they may also have disorders, especially in regards to low empathy and denial (not in my family etc). Perfect parents dont produce damaged kids, as that would be criticism of them  (their perspective)