Checking in... update

[crashintome]

I'm still NC.  I will admit, it's mostly on her part, not mine.  I swore to myself and everyone around me that I would refuse any contact with her if she did reach out to me but I'm not so sure that will even stick.  Logically speaking, she can't do anything FOR me.  I know she is/was using me.  I know it will never end well.  I know she will leave me in the long run.  BUT I can't stop this ache inside me that just wants to be with her.  I feel like something is wrong with me that I know all of these bad things, yet I still have this huge hole in me without her.

I know I will hear from her again, whether it's a week, month, or months from now.  She knows I'm dumb enough to fall right back into the "I'll stroke your ego and pay your bills" relationship we had.  When we first started this whole thing over a year ago, she made a comment that always stuck with me - she said, "I want someone who can take care of me.  I want someone who has a career and a future and has a nest egg for retirement."  The girl she was with at the time was a hairdresser - she made good money, but no 401K.  It wasn't enough.  She said she liked me because I'm a teacher and my retirement is set, I make good money now, and it's a career - not a job.  Well, the girl she is seeing now works retail - she isn't at a point where she can "take care" of anyone.  This is the reason I *know* I will hear from her again.

I am at the point where, every single day, I need to mentally run through all the crappy things she's done to me.  I need to constantly remind myself of how awful I felt with her.  It's wearing me down.  It's depressing to look back on more than a year of my life and to realize how stupid I was and still am because I still love her.

So, I need some help.  What are some ways I can stay strong with NC without having to always remind myself of how stupid I am and how badly I allowed myself to be treated in the past?  It's so hurtful to have to mentally replay over a year of abuse: physical, mental, emotional - every single day, over and over. 

[Validation78]

Hi Crash!

I don't think you or any of us is or has been stupid! We may have made some mistakes, and have some of our own issues to face, and that doesn't mean we are stupid!

The question is, what drew us to these relationships in the first place?

Let's face it, pwBPD can be very charming. The behaviors they exhibit are attractive to us, and we may have fallen prey to the mirroring, thinking we met the perfect match. Or, the codependent, who made us feel like we were the only person in the world for them. That did not make us stupid!

Hopefully, we have all learned something from all of this though!

What have you learned, and what will you do differently when you start dating again?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[seeking balance]

So, I need some help.  What are some ways I can stay strong with NC without having to always remind myself of how stupid I am and how badly I allowed myself to be treated in the past?  It's so hurtful to have to mentally replay over a year of abuse: physical, mental, emotional - every single day, over and over. 

Basically, changing from a "her action" focus to a "your self worth" focus is how to stop reliving the abuse. 

Val is right on the money - you have to get honest, why did you get with her emotionally and why emotionally are you still tied to her?

Detaching is work, not simply NC.  NC works to get us centered and out of the FOG - but it is not the answer to healing that core wound that led us down the path and let us stay way longer than any healthy person would.

Do you have a T or have you considered a T crashintome?

[crashintome]

I feel like I was stupid.  I feel like the first time it happened and she left, fine, life lesson.  But the second, third, fourth time was my fault.  I should have known when to say enough is enough, we won't ever work.  I should have cut my losses and moved on.  But I didn't.  I believed her when she said she pushed me away because she felt I deserved better and that's why she was so mean.  I believed her when she said she wanted to be with me when she "healed" from her past relationship.  I bought into it all and that makes me feel stupid.

Before her, stuff like this never happened to me because I never let it.  I never let anyone get that close to me to be able to hurt me.  On one hand, I want to go back to that person who is so guarded.  On the other hand, I want to love someone like I loved her, but I want them to feel the same.  It just feels unattainable.  I feel like every person I meet is out to hurt me.  But, if she called, I would lay down like a doormat and let her do it.  That makes me feel stupid.

I understand NC is just a step, but it's a huge step for me.  In the past, I would email her and basically say, "I'm still here for you" but this time I'm staying quiet.  Who knows if she will come back.  History tells me she will.  But who knows, maybe this girl is "the one" for her.

I don't have a therapist.  I don't know that I can look someone in the face and tell them what I've been through and what I've put up with and still have feelings for this person.  Many of my friends refuse to even talk to me about her because of what she did.  They think if I don't ever mention her again, I will get over her.

Bottom line is I'm starting to miss her.  I'm trying so hard to remind myself that I felt like garbage with her, but I miss her.  I still love her.  I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a cycle of being used by her and then left again.

[Nearlybroken]

I feel like I was stupid.  I feel like the first time it happened and she left, fine, life lesson.  But the second, third, fourth time was my fault.  I should have known when to say enough is enough, we won't ever work.  I should have cut my losses and moved on.  But I didn't.  I believed her when she said she pushed me away because she felt I deserved better and that's why she was so mean.  I believed her when she said she wanted to be with me when she "healed" from her past relationship.  I bought into it all and that makes me feel stupid.

Before her, stuff like this never happened to me because I never let it.  I never let anyone get that close to me to be able to hurt me.  On one hand, I want to go back to that person who is so guarded.  On the other hand, I want to love someone like I loved her, but I want them to feel the same.  It just feels unattainable.  I feel like every person I meet is out to hurt me.  But, if she called, I would lay down like a doormat and let her do it.  That makes me feel stupid.

I understand NC is just a step, but it's a huge step for me.  In the past, I would email her and basically say, "I'm still here for you" but this time I'm staying quiet.  Who knows if she will come back.  History tells me she will.  But who knows, maybe this girl is "the one" for her.

I don't have a therapist.  I don't know that I can look someone in the face and tell them what I've been through and what I've put up with and still have feelings for this person.  Many of my friends refuse to even talk to me about her because of what she did.  They think if I don't ever mention her again, I will get over her.

Bottom line is I'm starting to miss her.  I'm trying so hard to remind myself that I felt like garbage with her, but I miss her.  I still love her.  I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a cycle of being used by her and then left again.

Crashintome... . I have quoted your post but it is the first time I have quoted so am not sure it will work.But I just wanted to say that I fully understand everything that you are going through.I believed everything my ex said to me,he was the first person I ever let my guard down to (I was 35 when we got together).I think that if my ex called now I would go back and that makes me feel weak and silly.NC is a huge thing for me too and I admire anyone who can do it... . I cannot say that I will have the strength... . I tried sending e mails to show ex how much I cared when we were going through "bad patches",I wrote letters,sent cards and gave presents with notes attached.I thought this would be enough... . it never was.I understand your point about a therapist... . I am waiting to see one and am terrified by the prospect of telling someone that I continually allowed myself to be abused by someone yet still have feelings.My friends also refuse to speak about my ex... . I think they take the same view of if he isnt mentioned it will become easier for me.Doesn't work like that though.I miss my ex greatly... . even after accepting the full extent of what he put me through.I feel afraid that I have ,in some way,become "addicted" to the trauma involved in our relationship.But I KNOW that in a healthy relationship there is no abuse,no shouting,no repeated breakups,no constant tears.I really do struggle to get my head around what has happened.I am not yet in such a position of strength that I can give you the answers that others can but I can empathise with what you are going through.Totally.And I know how painful it is.