I'm Pregnant

[Wanderlustrous]

Hello, all.

I'm expecting my first child. My mother has never formally been diagnosed with BPD, but my therapist suggested it as a possibility. From researching on my own and reading books, she seems like a dead ringer for the illness.

I'm usually able to keep myself together, but today was a very hard day.

My step father is bipolar. My mother has gotten very good at manipulating him and anyone else willing to listen into thinking I am a horrible person.

This is what upset me more than anything else that has ever happened before-

As I was walking into my first ultrasound, I received a hateful text from my step dad (It could have been from my mom. She often forces him to say things to other people from his phone). I won't get into the details of what it said. I was quite upset and was in tears.

I never responded. (I never can- when I defend myself, I'm being disrespectful).

Yesterday was Father's Day. I sent my step dad this text:"The last text you sent me was received when I was walking into my first ultrasound. It ruined the experience and I was really heart broken. Don't just assume everything my mom says is true and don't let her ruin our relationship. Happy Father's Day."

He responded, "Thanks." A half hour passes." Your mom won't ruin our relationship. But your disrespect toward her is doing a pretty good job. I don't assume anything. I just see what I see. Also, if you want to clarify anything I'll be happen to listen."

I responded, "Me. No congratulations? No how was the ultrasound? No I'm sorry I happened to say that to you while you were at the ultrasound?"

He didn't respond until today when he sent this e-mail:

"You want congratulations? Well congratulations!

Congratulations on telling your mom she was going to be a "Grammy ," reluctantly, during a conversation about the Honda. My mom threatened to take a car she gave me 7 years ago away, and I told her she needs to stop playing these games because I'm pregnant nowIt ruined the experience for her and she was really heartbroken.

Congratulations on telling your mom about your first ultrasound , which happened about 2 weeks ago!  It ruined the experience for her and she was really heartbroken.

Congratulations on letting your mom know when your due date is. And congratulations on having your husband play dumb like he didn't know the due date when she asked him.  It ruined the experience for her and she was really heartbroken.

Congratulations on making your mom feel like a second class citizen.  Someone not worthy of sharing the joy that having a baby should be.  It ruined the experience for her and she was really heartbroken.

I have known you since you were seven years old. No matter what you tell others your Mom was a great Mom.  She was the ONLY person in your life that fought to give you the best. You were her whole life and I know you realize this, but won't admit it. I don't want you to have regrets later if you don't change your course. Stop the bull because you know in your heart the one person who always had your back is her. Someday she won't be here so enjoy the time you have left with her. L, your going to be a Mom now. You will learn quickly what unconditional love is. The love between a Mom and her child. Stop the unhealthy void in your life. You know damn well she will be the best Grandparent a kid could ask for."

I'm guessing she wrote the email.

I'm really heart broken. I'm having trouble keeping it together at work. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's the abuse. I just can't take it any more. That's why I joined today.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Wanderlustrous, and welcome... . You are in the right place  

I can certainly see why you are here, and why you are hurting so much... . Your Mom's and SD's behavior (especially during a pregnancy!) would make anyone sad and upset. I'm so sorry that you are being treated this way, and that anything you try to say to defend yourself won't help... . Believe me, everyone here can commiserate with that, and understands your angst  

I see you have already found and posted on the Healing from a Relationship with a Parent board, which is a good place to find others who know exactly what you are dealing with, and can point you to the many Workshops, Articles, Videos etc. that are available to help... .

Here are a couple links to some Articles to get you started:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Does your Mother and SF live nearby to you? Do you see them very often? I know how it feels to be disrespected by an (undiagnosed) BPD Mom; my own Mom is not, but my MIL is--and I've been thrown into a relationship with her for more than 39 years! Though I am not her daughter (she has 2 and treats them much the same way your own Mom treats you), she does treat me pretty much as though I were  

You really are in the right place, feeling like you are... . We are here to listen, and help  you learn the tools to get out of this quagmire and into the light    And, congratulations on your pregnancy  

[Wanderlustrous]

Thanks for the response. It's really been helpful to know there are people out there willing to listen.

I try to avoid my mom at all costs. I've seen her 2 times since Christmas at family parties. She gave up calling me because I rarely answer. She text bombs me all the time and I ignore it or I'll give one word answers.

My mom has ruined every major life event. I remember when I was in junior high- I was about to do a performance- and right before I went onstage she told me my cousin might have AIDS. He didn't. By a long shot.

Before I took the LSAT, my mom argued with me for hours on end. I wasn't fighting back. I just took it (as I usually do). I wound up hiding in a room in the hotel we were staying at just to get away from her. She kept me up all night long.

The day I graduated from law school was the most important day of my life. I worked so hard to get there. I was so proud. My mom made up some lie about my dad saying something along the lines of, "I like little girls." Then she through a fit about a bill in public. She embarrassed my dad and he left early. I asked her to leave. It was humiliating. She couldn't keep it together just for a couple of hours.

My wedding- well- that was a joke. I knew she'd act up, so I did everything myself. I went dress shopping without her. I didn't include her in any of the plans. She pouted like a child the entire day. People kept going up to her to ask what was wrong. She was attention starved and needed to be the center of things. She gave me $6,000.00 as a gift that turned into a loan after the fact. I was buying my first home, and she demanded I give her the money immediately- she wouldn't accept installments. I couldn't afford furniture and didn't have much in savings because this gift magically turned loan was a big hit to my pocketbook.

When I took the bar exam, I was living at her house with my husband (mistake). She kicked us out two days before the bar exam. It was horrific. I stayed in a hotel. Luckily, I passed and I am a working attorney.

Now- my first ultrasound. All about her.

I've decided to keep the due date a secret from her so she doesn't show up at the hospital. I'm going to be a protected patient with a code name so she can't get to me or the baby. She's ruined every important day of my life. I won't let her ruin this.

She really wants to be involved in my life and the child's life. I probably wouldn't have told her about the pregnancy but she started threatening to take a car she gifted to me 7 years ago away. I told her, "You can't keep playing these games with me anymore because I'm pregnant." That's how I told her. And she's mad at me because of it. Also, she's mad at me because I didn't tell her first.

She keeps telling me that I'm going to miss her when she's gone. Ever since I've cut all ties from her, my life has been exponentially better. I'm happy now. I don't have guilt or pressure or drama anymore. I just enjoy life. I don't think many people will support me when I say this, but I'll feel relief when my mom dies. I will finally be able move forward and not worry when her next episode will be and how it will affect me.

I'm afraid that by me protecting myself and the baby, she's going to try to hurt me. She's on disability (doesn't need to be, but was a real estate agent who couldn't make ends meet when the housing market crashed) and literally has nothing to do all day. She sits on the phone with anyone willing to listen to hours on end about how terrible I am. These people (my family members) believe her! That's the worse part. I don't have time to call everyone to correct what she's saying about me. I have a life. If they're dumb enough to listen to her, then maybe I'm better off.

I don't have any siblings. I have one cousin I'm close to. He works at a hospital. She'll call his cell phone. Then his work phone. Then page him until he answers her. It's like my family fears her and is intimidated and guilted into listening to her.

Anyways, thanks again for listening you guys. I really appreciate it.

[mommasa]

wanderlust - I really identified with everything you said, it is so very much like my own story - even down to ruining law school graduation and trying to ruin my wedding! And I totally know what you mean about feeling relieved when BPDmom passes away; I think about that a lot, like it might be the first real peace i will know in my lifetime. I am so glad you found this site and are working on boundaries now - protect your kids! I made the mistake of letting BPDmom become very close to my son after he was born and I really regret it. And protect yourself too! I told my BPDmom while I was pregnant that if she did or said anything that was stressful to me, that she would not hear from me until after I had the baby; that I would not tolerate stress while I was pregnant; and she actually managed to contain herself all the way up until the baby was born (at which point she got into a fight with my doctor at the hospital).  Anyway - good luck to you, I really empathize with you and hope you keep yourself safe and as stress-free as possible and never, ever feel guilty about protecting your family from toxic people!

[Rusalka]

I think the idea of the protected parents is an awesome idea!

Man, when I was induced for labor for my first child, it was on her birthday. She was a nurse for years (now a nurse anesthetist) and actually tried talking the nurses and doctors into delivering my son on her birthday. I remember yelling at her, "Let him have his own damn birthday!" Haha

The next morning he was delivered via emergency C section, they wouldn't let anyone in, not even my husband. My mother apparently banged on the OR doors yelling, ":)on't you know who I am?" (She has major NPD as well as BPD) Looking back at least for me it's like a wacky cartoon, but at the time I was so upset that she wanted to control even his birthday -- which I knew would always be overshadowed by hers, my sister was born that day too, I'm sure not a coincidence, and the focus has always been my mother. It's HER day.

[Clearmind]

Wanderlustrous, I can really appreciate your upset and hurt. My mother and I received a tyrant of abuse over email in the last month (from Mums sister) – its tough to process.

I remind myself she is sick, I don’t respond or react, I just let it sit and rest – I don’t have to make it OK for her, I don’t have to justify myself – I simply remove myself from the topic all together.

To inject a bit of reality – Mom is sick and your Dad is not only also mentally ill he is also having to face Mom on a daily basis. I am not suggesting you cut him any slack for his behaviour I’m suggesting you help you by reminding yourself that this is not about you at all – its about their dysfunctional relationship and you are caught in the middle.

Don’t get caught – step to the side and be the bigger person. You cannot change Dad or Mom ever! You can change your perception and feelings about it rather than getting embroiled in ridiculous drama – read or don’t read the emails – laugh and delete. That is how I handle it – then begin to process any emotions that come up.

Process your hurt – this is stemming from childhood stuff – these feelings of inadequacy and lack of validation. You are going to be a Mom – your life has just opened up to a whole new world – embrace your pregnancy.

I’m also pregnant so I completely understand the stress of scans etc! Believe me! Be kind to you right now – you matter.