I hate BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really think I hate BPD and how it has completely ruined and consumed my life and has made me stuck for God knows how long now... . and how it has completely ruined and consumed the lives of the 2 people I love who have BPD!

[changingme]

I really think I hate BPD and how it has completely ruined and consumed my life and has made me stuck for God knows how long now... . and how it has completely ruined and consumed the lives of the 2 people I love who have BPD!

[Wanna Move On]

Changing, yes BPD is a tragedy, especially higher spectrum (on a 0-100 scale), multiply comorbid varieties. I don't know what I could possibly write in an attempt to assuage your pain, but we've all been in some horribly painful place relative to our own BPDs -- and it HURTS!

Hopefully you can get some comfort and support here.

I feel for you.

[huhhuh]

I agree.

And I wonder if there is anything positive at all from having experienced a BPD relationship?

I can't think of anything. Only misery, broken dreams, broken heart, etc.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.    What's going on CT?

[changingme]

I don't think there is a positive spin to this experience!

Suzn... . I am just overwhelmed and exhausted with everything in my life but the root of all the suffering is the roots tied to BPD.  I feel defeated with BPD times 2! I am having a hard time being ok with loosing so much of my life to dealing with my ex and now BPD history is repeating within our daughter.  I am having such a hard time trying to detach from someone who I can't be nc with.  So even when there aren't any recycles anymore, I still find myself going through the roller coaster within myself.  Sometimes I feel completely over it, moved on, free, then turn around and be back at where I started.  This isn't new I have been this way for years.  Even now learning about BPD and coming on these boards, it has helped the understanding and answered a lot of questions, but it doesn't not help me get unstuck from here.  That is the most disappointing thing ever. 

[changingme]

To add to that... .

I have come to a point that I have learned my ex will never truly let me go (totally because of BPD) and I have learned fighting with him about it or being extremely cold really makes my daughter suffer in the end, so keeping the peace and keeping it friendly works much better for her... . but it doesn't work better for me... . hence why I feel stuck and defeated!

[ComoLu]

For me, there is positive.  I would not be the person I am now had I not gone through this, and I like me.  I have learned patience, forgiveness, and tolerance.  I am closer to my children and grandchildren.  I know myself better.  I now know what to look for, and I hope I will never fall into the BPD trap again.  I have strengthened my bonds with my extended family and discovered who my true friends are.  I know that I am stronger than I ever would have believed possible.  I also know that I have become part of a much larger community of sharing and caring people, and I know that I will never be completely alone in my misery.  I have to count my blessings because without the positive, I will never crawl out of my pain.  It is helping, and as I embark on my first attempt at a post-BPD relationship, I have hope that I can find happiness again and that I will appreciate it more because of the hell I have experienced.

[Validation78]

Hi CT!

Sorry to hear that things are tough right now! I feel for you especially because you will always have a connection to your pwBPD.

I would suggest that you learn how to manage life with a pwBPD by not only doing what you are doing, that is learning more about BPD, I mean the communication tools. If you go to The Staying Board, you will see many links to "The Tools". They are an invaluable resource to help you to communicate and to make things better between the two of you. The best part is, you don't need him to cooperate. The tools focus on all of the things that we can do to improve matters, and you have to learn how to do that in order to decrease your stress and move on with the inevitable.

Read up on Mindfulness too. It's a great way to center your emotions and to process the issues that arise without making them worse!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[changingme]

Val78,

I have been on that board and read a lot of the resources.  I am at a point where I know how to communicate with him, how not to push his buttons, how not to fight, how not to push him over the deep end and knowing how and when to discuss things with him, however it is the emotional tug on my emotions/feelings that I am drowning in all the time.  That is where I am having a hard time changing.  The wounds are always open.

[IamDevastated]

Changing, yes BPD is a tragedy, especially higher spectrum (on a 0-100 scale), multiply comorbid varieties. I don't know what I could possibly write in an attempt to assuage your pain, but we've all been in some horribly painful place relative to our own BPDs -- and it HURTS!

Hopefully you can get some comfort and support here.

I feel for you.

My exBPD is diagnosed BPD. But I am 100 percent sure she is as well fullblown HPD, NPD and ASPD (yes, as in the actual diagnosises. She has even admitted recently that she has anti-social pd).

That is score 100 comorbidity right there. Ouch!