really struggling and need advice

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all

Iv'e been spending a lot of time on these boards lately, to the extent that processing all the pain and grief is only enabling me to get on with the basics, (my job and little else).

I am still ruminating over him, and it has now been 10 days since I saw him in person, when he assaulted me/smashed and damaged my property/threw all my keys out into the dark, along with my shoes.

After I arrived home at 4.30 am that morning of the 10/6, I was in deep shock and deep emotional pain.

I began processing it all of course, like a zombie getting through each day, I felt the need to talk and write it out, so I did.

Silly me, wrote to him because I felt I needed to say something after he had dumped me the way he did once again.

So, I sent 2 brief emails stating that I always knew I had my own issues, but that I could not make us work alone, he had to do something about his OWN stuff or it was going to continue to be a dysfunctional relationship and in the light of what had happened, he could have made an apology at least.

I always felt like I was repeating myself, and it was Groundhog Day every week.

He ignored my emails and spent 2 days and nights (pulling his weekly disappearing act), to his favourite city, hanging out near the beach/tourists in his car.

Again, I checked up on him, and found out where he was, even though I knew without 'checking up'. I know, sick ay?

By Wednesday, I wasn't in as much shock, and was starting to pull myself back out into the world a little, but everywhere were reminders of him, and I spent moments in and out of tears. I managed to hold it together when out at the mall with my daughter, but as we walked out, it got to me a little, and the tears welled up again.

Still, being able to continue working was a blessing, even though I had missed my shifts in the mornings for two days.

By Thursday, BP rang to ask about my phone, and to say sorry for smashing it, I was pretty firm and detached on the phone, and simply said 'Thanks' but I had to sort that issue out already, on account of needing a phone for safety at work alone at nights.

He was offering to pay for it, and asked how much it was worth, (he already knew that). I said that he would not be able to afford paying for it, given his financial situation at present, but I did appreciate that he had offered. He asked what I had done about it, and when I told him I had haggled out with the providers that they had not offered insurance and led me to believe it was covered in the payment plan, they offered to replace it, and credit my account for the old one.

So I had a lifeline again for work and life.

When he realised I already had another phone, this seemed to enrage him, so he started justifying his behaviour, by denigrating our relationship, and how much abuse he had suffered during his whole relationship with me, that it was all negative, nobody had been nice to him, not once, everyone I knew had been consistently mean to him, and then he justified everything he had done to me by basically saying I deserved it, because of what 'I had done to him and how I had hurt him'.

That is all it felt like, one big game, and a revolving round of revenge played out on me. It used to amaze me that he continually accused me of playing a 'game' with him, when his whole act felt like the biggest losing (game of chess) I could liken it to.

The irony is, I wasn't doing anything to deliberately hurt his feelings! I was just being a human being with a life, family and friends, interests and work.

He continued to abuse me verbally, (hanging up and ringing back several more times on Thursday 13/6) even though I had tried to validate his feelings at every point in his conversation. I could not believe that he could say he didn't want to hear things about him that made him feel bad! (when he obviously feels very bad about himself only since he met me of course) and not to mention, 98% of everything he says, is a denigration of someone else, (always someone I know, even his own family and friends).

There is also the way he talks, all verbally abusive, and spiritually degrading to listen to so frequently, it wounds your soul, yet he expected me to act like his therapist, and if I could no longer listen, he would abuse me verbally. Even if I would stay on the phone and listen, and detach, I would still be abused anyway. The antagonism is always turned back onto me, and I cannot live like a caged dog being poked with a stick every time I see the owner I love, (BP).

I did all the things they suggest here, I made it clear that whilst I did not want to end things with him, and was not ending it, I would not tolerate him forcing me to pick sides with my family, over his refusal to continue bad behaviour in our home. I said that this house was a peaceful house, in that we talked our problems out like adults whenever things really needed to be talked/sorted.

I said he was welcome to join in, but I was not going to listen to him doing daily denigrating of people I cared about, and did not share all his opinions about. I had also told him, that my daughter and her partner's money is not his business unless they owe him (BP) money. I appreciate and understand his concerns, but right now, he should be focusing on what he is doing with his own money, instead of obsessing on what others are doing wrong with theirs. At any rate, if I believe or feel they are taking advantage of me financially, it is my responsibility to resolve that feeling/thought and I would.

This was me trying to use SET (unsuccessfully) most times.

I said that I will not have him put pressure on me to not live with my family, when he is not offering me anything solid, and a solid future is up to both of us to provide, not just one of us, (that being me).

I had said that initially there was just him and I living here alone, and that he had done absolutely nothing to address any of his own issues or behaviours towards me. Yet he expected me to move out of a solid situation with my family, one that benefits all of us mostly, and provide (yet another) home for him and I.

But he can't make any promises to me that it will work out between us? I said 'Well if you are not prepared to do what it takes for your part, yet expect me to, then how can it work?'

What was he doing to allow us our own space and privacy, he needed this for himself, (and with me) but yet he would not provide that. He needed a job, friends and to feel better about himself, but it felt like he was expecting me to provide it all on a plate for him.

He was saying that if he wasn't with me, he wouldn't even be living in this state anyway! So, why should he go get a house for both of us or himself when he doesn't want to live here anyway?

So, he wants to live in a house here with me, but he doesn't want to live here? How does that make sense?

I know, I am not supposed to expect it to am I?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Iv'e been spending a lot of time on these boards lately, to the extent that processing all the pain and grief is only enabling me to get on with the basics, (my job and little else).

I am still ruminating over him, and it has now been 10 days since I saw him in person, when he assaulted me/smashed and damaged my property/threw all my keys out into the dark, along with my shoes.

After I arrived home at 4.30 am that morning of the 10/6, I was in deep shock and deep emotional pain.

I began processing it all of course, like a zombie getting through each day, I felt the need to talk and write it out, so I did.

Silly me, wrote to him because I felt I needed to say something after he had dumped me the way he did once again.

So, I sent 2 brief emails stating that I always knew I had my own issues, but that I could not make us work alone, he had to do something about his OWN stuff or it was going to continue to be a dysfunctional relationship and in the light of what had happened, he could have made an apology at least.

I always felt like I was repeating myself, and it was Groundhog Day every week.

He ignored my emails and spent 2 days and nights (pulling his weekly disappearing act), to his favourite city, hanging out near the beach/tourists in his car.

Again, I checked up on him, and found out where he was, even though I knew without 'checking up'. I know, sick ay?

By Wednesday, I wasn't in as much shock, and was starting to pull myself back out into the world a little, but everywhere were reminders of him, and I spent moments in and out of tears. I managed to hold it together when out at the mall with my daughter, but as we walked out, it got to me a little, and the tears welled up again.

Still, being able to continue working was a blessing, even though I had missed my shifts in the mornings for two days.

By Thursday, BP rang to ask about my phone, and to say sorry for smashing it, I was pretty firm and detached on the phone, and simply said 'Thanks' but I had to sort that issue out already, on account of needing a phone for safety at work alone at nights.

He was offering to pay for it, and asked how much it was worth, (he already knew that). I said that he would not be able to afford paying for it, given his financial situation at present, but I did appreciate that he had offered. He asked what I had done about it, and when I told him I had haggled out with the providers that they had not offered insurance and led me to believe it was covered in the payment plan, they offered to replace it, and credit my account for the old one.

So I had a lifeline again for work and life.

When he realised I already had another phone, this seemed to enrage him, so he started justifying his behaviour, by denigrating our relationship, and how much abuse he had suffered during his whole relationship with me, that it was all negative, nobody had been nice to him, not once, everyone I knew had been consistently mean to him, and then he justified everything he had done to me by basically saying I deserved it, because of what 'I had done to him and how I had hurt him'.

That is all it felt like, one big game, and a revolving round of revenge played out on me. It used to amaze me that he continually accused me of playing a 'game' with him, when his whole act felt like the biggest losing (game of chess) I could liken it to.

The irony is, I wasn't doing anything to deliberately hurt his feelings! I was just being a human being with a life, family and friends, interests and work.

He continued to abuse me verbally, (hanging up and ringing back several more times on Thursday 13/6) even though I had tried to validate his feelings at every point in his conversation. I could not believe that he could say he didn't want to hear things about him that made him feel bad! (when he obviously feels very bad about himself only since he met me of course) and not to mention, 98% of everything he says, is a denigration of someone else, (always someone I know, even his own family and friends).

There is also the way he talks, all verbally abusive, and spiritually degrading to listen to so frequently, it wounds your soul, yet he expected me to act like his therapist, and if I could no longer listen, he would abuse me verbally. Even if I would stay on the phone and listen, and detach, I would still be abused anyway. The antagonism is always turned back onto me, and I cannot live like a caged dog being poked with a stick every time I see the owner I love, (BP).

I did all the things they suggest here, I made it clear that whilst I did not want to end things with him, and was not ending it, I would not tolerate him forcing me to pick sides with my family, over his refusal to continue bad behaviour in our home. I said that this house was a peaceful house, in that we talked our problems out like adults whenever things really needed to be talked/sorted.

I said he was welcome to join in, but I was not going to listen to him doing daily denigrating of people I cared about, and did not share all his opinions about. I had also told him, that my daughter and her partner's money is not his business unless they owe him (BP) money. I appreciate and understand his concerns, but right now, he should be focusing on what he is doing with his own money, instead of obsessing on what others are doing wrong with theirs. At any rate, if I believe or feel they are taking advantage of me financially, it is my responsibility to resolve that feeling/thought and I would.

This was me trying to use SET (unsuccessfully) most times.

I said that I will not have him put pressure on me to not live with my family, when he is not offering me anything solid, and a solid future is up to both of us to provide, not just one of us, (that being me).

I had said that initially there was just him and I living here alone, and that he had done absolutely nothing to address any of his own issues or behaviours towards me. Yet he expected me to move out of a solid situation with my family, one that benefits all of us mostly, and provide (yet another) home for him and I.

But he can't make any promises to me that it will work out between us? I said 'Well if you are not prepared to do what it takes for your part, yet expect me to, then how can it work?'

What was he doing to allow us our own space and privacy, he needed this for himself, (and with me) but yet he would not provide that. He needed a job, friends and to feel better about himself, but it felt like he was expecting me to provide it all on a plate for him.

He was saying that if he wasn't with me, he wouldn't even be living in this state anyway! So, why should he go get a house for both of us or himself when he doesn't want to live here anyway?

So, he wants to live in a house here with me, but he doesn't want to live here? How does that make sense?

I know, I am not supposed to expect it to am I?

[bewildered2]

nothing makes sense with a borderline. that's why it's called mental illness.

they are all over the place, in their own little twisted and confused world. you can join them there too, and suffer, or you can step away into the world outside that of the borderline which is called actual reality.

you mention your daughter, once. why do i mention this? because years ago i was in a similar spot to the one that you are in now. i had a young daughter, and i was in love with a woman who i thought was my soulmate, someone i would love until the day i died. as it happened, she had BPD. and as is the case with these types, she took over my life, and wound me up into a ball that she used to bounce around the place, until i couldnt see the wood for the trees, and my daughter was almost incidental to my life. why? because i was consumed with trying to make a borderline happy, so that we could be happy together. this is an impossible task.

thankfully i saw the light and exited before she had destroyed me and my relationship with my daughter.

you are no doubt a very caring woman. dont waste your love of this mentally unwell man. get away from him and stay away. focus on getting healthy and staying healthy. and put your daughter first. pour your love and care into yourself, and then into her.

this guy is an absolute waste of your love. and he will drag you down. and your daughter will suffer too if he is still in your life.

everything you have described in terms of his treatment of you can be summarized in one word: abuse.

you deserve a lot better than that.

my advice? dump the creep before he screws your life up any further. 

i am on your side, believe me.

b2

[laelle]

nothing makes sense with a borderline. that's why it's called mental illness.

they are all over the place, in their own little twisted and confused world. you can join them there too, and suffer, or you can step away into the world outside that of the borderline which is called actual reality.

you mention your daughter, once. why do i mention this? because years ago i was in a similar spot to the one that you are in now. i had a young daughter, and i was in love with a woman who i thought was my soulmate, someone i would love until the day i died. as it happened, she had BPD. and as is the case with these types, she took over my life, and wound me up into a ball that she used to bounce around the place, until i couldnt see the wood for the trees, and my daughter was almost incidental to my life. why? because i was consumed with trying to make a borderline happy, so that we could be happy together. this is an impossible task.

thankfully i saw the light and exited before she had destroyed me and my relationship with my daughter.

you are no doubt a very caring woman. dont waste your love of this mentally unwell man. get away from him and stay away. focus on getting healthy and staying healthy. and put your daughter first. pour your love and care into yourself, and then into her.

this guy is an absolute waste of your love. and he will drag you down. and your daughter will suffer too if he is still in your life.

everything you have described in terms of his treatment of you can be summarized in one word: abuse.

you deserve a lot better than that.

my advice? dump the creep before he screws your life up any further. 

i am on your side, believe me.

b2

If there was a "like" button, I would be clicking on it.   

[Leaf]

Me too  

What he does to you is abuse. My ex was abusive and I stayed with him too long and put up with too much because I then saw BPD/NPD as some kind of mitigating factor. But it isn't really and it doesn't make abusive behaviour tolerable or more curable, only less so. In the book "Why does he do that?" Lundy Bancroft explains that abusive men (he only talks about men) don't want to change because being abusive has lots of benefits for them and that they try to create confusion to obscure this fact.

So, he wants to live in a house here with me, but he doesn't want to live here? How does that make sense?

Sounds like creating confusion.

It's so difficult to leave someone like that because of traumatic bonding. I would have reacted just like you back when I was still with my ex. Now I would let him pay for my broken phone just to teach him a lesson. But I've been out for almost six months. Believe me RC it feels so much better once you've been on your own for a while and the fog lifts.

[rollercoaster24]

Thanks so much bewildered2, and laelle,

I just wrote out more, and then deleted it. Why am I hurting so much, when it is obvious he never gave a damn about me?

Why have I held on so long, for a few scraps every now and then?

What was the most confusing, is why for the first two years, did he regularly admit to knowing he needed help, and then when he moved out, abruptly stopped admitting any blame?

I am soo depressed right now, and still hurt, and there are a thousand things I have to complete, but I cannot find the motivation to move on with them all yet.

There is so much pain there, it is all consuming, and I find I need to feel validated because I never had any. God, I feel like even his parents are blaming me too.

If I told you all about their crazy making dynamics, you would easily see why he has BP! Worse of all, he still lives with them, calling himself independent... .

He knows he needs it, but refuses, and says he doesn't want to lose me, but refuses to address any of the issues he admits to having done!

So now, he merely cuts me off, like a mole on his arm?

I kind of feel, that his Mother had been his biggest supporter, and that maybe she is the one with BP too, even though she often blames everything on to the Father.

When I used to travel up there, I would go and make social pleasantries with them, and I would watch the dynamics at their dinner table.

The Father would try and talk, and both the Mother and the son would be scoffing, laughing, sniping, and sarcastic towards him. He would get up from the table, and go watch TV. They would both make him feel unwelcome, and ignored or laughed at, and then go all funny, because he left the table as soon as he could!

Then, if the son (BP) got upset about his Father talking, the Mother would agree at first with the derogatory things her son said, (about her husband) and then surprised it went too far, would then turn the tables and side with the husband against the son.

It used to be an episode of craziness even going there, but I also liked and enjoyed their company, when they were not being nasty, sarcastic, sniping and scoffing.

It used to really screw me up myself seeing it all in action, and then go outside to BP and his shed, and face another few hours of craziness, and hope to get some sleep whilst there.

All I really wanted to do, was spend time with him, cuddling, watching TV, having our dinner together, making love, and enjoying our limited time. Which is what he was always putting pressure on me to do, give him time, (apparently he was always lonely and waiting for me to be his 'friend'.

Yet, any time I gave him the whole way through, he would either want it to be all about sex, or me spending money on what he wanted to do, or him having another episode, and then blaming me anyway for not being a good enough girlfriend for putting up with it!

He often used to say, 'I can't be happy and well adjusted all the time you see me you know, I have needs and concerns and cares of my own you know!

I used to agree and say I did not expect him to, but to act like this 90% of every time I made effort to spend time with him, then how unfair was that?

I would just be abused and blamed again, for speaking up, not caring, I was always told I wanted to argue. But I was often only having an opinion of my own. No, there wasn't room for it!

Why the hell am I still blaming myself for not being able to be the perfect girlfriend and always do the right thing, because he couldn't help it. He is in so much pain, that I really have taken on his blame, for everything... .

Ironically, he said that is what me and everyone in my life, (and his parents) do to him!

I understand this crazy dynamic, I really do.

[rollercoaster24]

I also had so much in common with him, and his essential values seemed to be good ones. The shared dreams, the excitement about meeting them, and then the reality would set in. Knowing how the future would really be, if he continued to refuse he needed help/therapy.

Yet, it still hurts like hell to be rejected so often, by someone you did dearly love. Being dumped/traumatized every week for three years has taken it's toll.

There was probably around one month, where his behaviour was stable in the whole three years, and that was not consecutively either.

I was so attracted to him, and had not met anyone I had let that deeply in, for many many years. Loved being in his arms, and yet feared him when out of them, like another member posted on these boards.

And I feared I never would meet anyone that I felt like that about either. Given I am now 45, I doubt it will happen, I am sorry, but I am not meeting/seeing many men out there, that I can really respect, and it pains me.

So sorry for being sexist, maybe it is the country I live in, it seems worse here anyway. Chauvanism is the word I am looking for, but cannot spell it sorry.

I am sorry to male members who may read this, that I am being a little sexist, it just seems to be everywhere right now, and I want so much, once in my life, and one day, find a male I can respect!

[rollercoaster24]

What can you suggest I do, to kick this to the curb?

Even through all this, I feel like it would have worked out, if I had been a better girlfriend, dealt with all his episodes the exact right way, and never intermittently reinforcing his abuse, and then it would have stopped right?

Some of the literature I have read, suggests that if you did the right thing, they would have stopped abusing you ages ago, because you had boundaries and limits of your own.

But I did!

And still, he kept on? So now I blame myself for every little time I was not perfect, because he has rejected me?

How screwed up I must be?

He often held this over my head, that he would find a woman who was more loving, and nice than me. I lived with that fear all the time, silly ay? Even though I knew her life would be hell, I always lived with that fear, (that wee small voice, what if it is really your fault), like he keeps telling you, but then attacks you for blaming it on him!

[Rose Tiger]

I could of written everything you have written, and probably did over these last couple years.  All the hurt, pain, confusion coming to a head and being released.  This is how you do it.  By getting it all out.  Understanding his part, understanding your part and why the relationship went so totally out of control.  Understanding that the relationship was doomed to go this way, nothing you did or didn't do could of changed the outcome. 

[Validation78]

Hi RC!

The way you are feeling and the questions you are asking are all understandable. You say yourself, that you did all of the things that the tools we learn on the staying boards teach us. There is nothing more you could have done. The fact is, even if you were perfect, did everything just right, it would not have changed the fact that you were dealing with a pwBPD. Unless they commit to getting help themselves, and working harder at this than we do, the best you could ever hope for is managing the illness, and learning to live with it, while at the same time, learning to live without many of the precious things that real love and intimate relationships offer us!

I know you are in pain because you were abandoned by him despite your magnanimous efforts! That sucks, yes it does. I have come to the conclusion that many of these relationships are doomed to fail because the pwBPD, without help, will never, no matter what we do, allow them to go on. There is no logic to the thinking and behavior, it just is, and it is not our fault.

Make up your mind that you are worthy of love because you did try. Because you cared about the relationship enough to work at it even though he is ill. Reward yourself for being what you hope someone else will be for you in the future. Loving, committed, trusting and trustworthy! Work through the detachment process at your pace, and make up your mind that you deserve the best because you are the best!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[bpdspell]

Rollercoaster,

Bewildered is spot on. But I also understand that we each get up from the table when we're full. My question to you would be what about your daughter. Think about what you are modeling to her. Children do as we do not what we tell them to do. Something tells me you wouldn't want your daughter to suffer within an abusive relationship. Something tells me that you'd abhor seeing your daughter sacrifice herself for love.  It's something for you to really consider.

Yes this is YOUR life. But you are her primary example of womanhood and what we teach our daughters about self-worth and love are modeled through our intimate relationships. I too was with a BPD/NPD mentally ill entitled, manipulating, control freak. He twisted my thoughts, gas lighted me, and tried his best to keep me off center so that he could continue to steer the wheels of the relationship. They try to make you feel responsible for taking care of them and they blame you for not filling up their emptiness. I can tell your thinking is cloudy and that your feelings of confusion are overwhelming you but you owe it to yourself to step back and evaluate what is truly happening here.

Rollercoaster. You cannot fix him. You may have been raised to believe that it was your job to fix broken, angry, bitter or depressed people but in reality these people will only drag you down into their personal hell of misery. Stop listening to his words and pay attention to his actions. That is the truth of him.

Borderlines and Narcissists are filled with shame, insecurity and a rage that lived inside of them way before we came into the picture. They like to blame others because it absolves them from looking at the real problem: the man in the mirror. We also have to accept that abusive men aren't good guys. They aren't nice people and they don't play nice. They play dirty and they are filled with soul destroying games. They are dangerous because they will blindside you.

For clarity purposes do it for your daughter. She deserves a fair chance at developing healthy self-esteem and worth. Break the cycle now because abuse is a cycle that goes from generation to generation.

Spell

[clover528]

Rollercoaster

I am sitting here crying while reading your story. Someone posted on the thread I started that they were dating the same man as another wrote about. I feel the same while reading this. How you feel and have been feeling is like hearing my own thoughts. It is so difficult to let them go, to accept that our dreams won't be realized with this person, and the list grows the more one thinks about it. We are the same age too. I have not ended contact and in the last 12 hours have been on the rollercoaster again. I failed the no contact and bit when he called 24 times saying he needed to speak to me. He said I was being cruel and he seemed in pain. Answering was a big mistake. I spent the entire night sick after being blamed for his financial ruin, the loss of his home, job, everything. He even said that him sending picture of him and his new girlfriend to me was my fault and that I deserved to feel the way I did. I wasn't left, though. Not directly at first. I left him after months of verbal abuse and threats of violence.  He said my leaving caused every problem we had. He believes whole heartedly in the "butterfly effect". My leaving was the beginning of his demise. In truth, he was losing all the same things before he called me. While I know I didn't cause his problems, he has a way of convincing me that he wouldn't have these  problems had I stayed. I had no idea he possibly had BPD until over a year after I left. I had maintained the relationship until a month or so ago but have kept contact. I stumbled onto this while seeking answers for why I wanted to stay when he was so abusive. If you can find the strength and support to end all contact with him, you probably should. I have gone as much as 5 days then always feel guilty or worried when he writes or calls with some emergency where he has to talk to me. I cave and then the game begins. It only gets worse too. There used to be a day or two, maybe a week between the splitting and arguments and blame. Times where he was kind. He would seemingly be remorseful. Then came the flip. Ice cold arrogance and blame. Even laughing as I would cry. Now he flips within an hour. sometimes even minutes. One time, I pointed out his bullying and said I would no longer respond to his abuse. He called me, " chicken****". Then a coward for not responding or answering the phone. I replied saying I wasn't a coward but that I was afraid of him and he should think about why he felt proud that any woman was ever afraid of him. He responded with, and I will try and quote here... . " Hide behind your v****a, poor woman, pitiful female, boo hoo... . " He can be very degrading.   My point is that, I feel for you. I truly do. The support and knowledge we can gain here is priceless in my opinion. I am amazed how similar every story is. I never knew about any of this. Know that you are not alone. I sincerely hope you can find some peace soon. Possibly, a good therapist would help too. My therapy sessions really have helped me gain some perspective. Remember to care for yourself.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi rollercoaster24,

When you mentioned it was Groundhog Day every week, that is how I was beginning to feel.  Even stranger, my ex would seem to wake up every morning acting as if nothing was wrong when we had been through some very difficult times.  They do not process emotions like we do.  It was like she was living by a script, and it just kept repeating itself.  It was bizarre to me.  I don't think she ever really resolved anything emotionally.  If he does not seek help, it will likely be torture for you to continue on with him as is.  There is no easy way out of this one.  Good luck.

[danley]

Rollercoaster,

I too sent emails and texts and had conversation with my ex after he wrote me off and turned into a monster of a man. He would respond that he needed time to absorb my email. The texts he'd just ignore or rage via text. Conversation would be rages and blame. It was awful but I still said all that was on my mind even tho he wouldn't want to hear about my side. He wouldn't want to hear or work on meeting in the middle. But all I said was heard even tho he never wanted to admit I was right. Say what you have to say and take a break. Maybe he needs time to let things set in. Walk away and do some healing on your own. Empower yourself and building your confidence. Once I stopped trying to say my piece after saying it all, my ex had a lot to absorb. Things are going better between us but I am still cautious with him. I don't know if he really absorbed all I had to say but I notice he's showing a humble side to him.

Say what you need to and walk away for a breather. Take back control of the situation.

[delusionalxox]

Oh lord revolver... . we have talked on another thread. So much is uncanny about the closeness in behaviour of our exes... . and like others have said, they all sing from versions of the same accursed hymn sheet.

This bit you said, rang massive, clanging bells with me. It is almost EXACTLY TO THE WORD what uBPD ex eventually dumped me for.

' Isaid that I will not have him put pressure on me to not live with my family, when he is not offering me anything solid, and a solid future is up to both of us to provide, not just one of us, (that being me).

I had said that initially there was just him and I living here alone, and that he had done absolutely nothing to address any of his own issues or behaviours towards me. Yet he expected me to move out of a solid situation with my family, one that benefits all of us mostly, and provide (yet another) home for him and I.

But he can't make any promises to me that it will work out between us? I said 'Well if you are not prepared to do what it takes for your part, yet expect me to, then how can it work?'

What was he doing to allow us our own space and privacy, he needed this for himself, (and with me) but yet he would not provide that. He needed a job, friends and to feel better about himself, but it felt like he was expecting me to provide it all on a plate for him.

He was saying that if he wasn't with me, he wouldn't even be living in this state anyway! So, why should he go get a house for both of us or himself when he doesn't want to live here anyway?

So, he wants to live in a house here with me, but he doesn't want to live here? How does that make sense?'

Ex was desperate for me to provide for him... . although wanted me to leave the job that provided for us, because it was 'taking too much of my time and energy' (ie he wanted all of it). He seemed to fantasise that we would travel around doing fabulous things, on what money I do not know. He wanted to be on permanent holiday (I had to pay). I have two young children and in many ways I think he wanted me to leave them, although he actually liked and was very nice to them. But they fundamentally weren't real to him, he could  not see their  needs and kept saying 'if you are happy they will be happy'. But this 'happiness' he wanted for me was actually just what HE wanted. A mobile partner who would minister to him in his fantasy life travelling around the world.

As our relationship recycled and soured I handed out a lot of what I got. I can be quite verbally abusive myself (depressive/codependent) and ended up, rather than sensibly detaching, lashing out a lot in response to his sulks and insane demands. Although some of that was because like your ex my upbd ex used to trap me, often physically. He would escalate a row to nuclear with insane yelling, throwing things, refusing to let me take time out- I would leave and go into the bathroom and he would follow me and yell and scream through the door. Usually I would have to leave my own house in order to escape the continuing abuse and rage. The last few times it happened and he started yelling and slamming doors over some perceived random 'insult' (like Groundhog day every day or twice a day, as you say) I was so upset and felt so utterly trapped in emotional hell I started to self harm. I think it was protective, it made him stop screaming and become worried for me  such an awful dynamic, and i had become sick myself. Still feel it.

The last insane demand was so like your ex's! Ex having decided that I was not looking after hiim properly in UK (by providing money, food, treats, entertainment, constant company and a music studio ! which he demanded as 'essential to his wellbeing'... . he of course could not provide any money toward this 'yet' decided to go and job hunt in Asia. (this was supposed to happen in February, but still hasn't happened as far as I can tell). In February I put an offer on a house for me and my kids. His response was to go totally cold and downgrade the relationship to friends because 'I had not consulted him on the house purchase' and therefore was 'not serious about him'. He had no money to put into the house whatever, knew I was not comfortable living like that, has no employment or real prospects in UK apart from a fantasy of a job in the university I work at, and was planning to spend 2 y ears in Asia anyway... . but I - and my kids! aged 6 and 9! -  were expected to run our domestic lives ENTIRELY according to his whims.

That was a  moment when I realised he was genuinely mentally f***ed up. He did not entirely 'dump' me as I think he still wanted sex with me and could not face the full abandonment thing yet, but I was gradually edged out and downgraded (with bursts of emotion and recycling) from then until 2 weeks ago when he dumped me abruptly having promised me eternal friendship and stated that I was a priority in his life.

I asked repeatedly for an explanation of this. His response was to claim that although I 'have a good side' I have 'damaged him deeply' and must 'stop tormenting him'- a whole drama queen/tragic victim thing painting me as an outrageous psychopath - and completely evading the question. i think he actually got sexual interest from another person a few weeks ago which is what he is now following up- and that is the only reason he has cut me dead, as he has another source of supply now. But he will  never admit that to me.

I feel so much for you revolver. These people are a vortex of need and destructive attachment. I too am struggling and feel so damaged myself (how ironic that he projects onto himself, the damage he did to me... . last week I had to abort our child and went through it all alone, without a word from him. That's damage eh. Plus the several thousand pounds wasted on his demands).

xxx a big hug and a calmer night to you. One day our dreams and waking visions will be free of these destructive people. once we have detached our egos from them and healed the wounds, we can forgive truly and be free.

xxx

[papawapa]

Be glad you have only spent three years with him. I spent thirteen years in that hell. Get your daughter and get out, as hard as it is, it is the best thing you can do for the both of you.