Birthday / Voice of Reason / publicly acknowledge new relationship

[Sango216]

Hello all!

I made a post a couple of days ago about how I've been wondering whether or not I would hear something from my ex on my birthday.  I am aware that desiring something that is unhealthy for me is not a good idea.  Still, a part of me does wish he'd acknowledge me in some way, which doesn't make sense seeing as I broke it off.  Anyway, I sort of want to post my feelings at the moment.  These thoughts and feelings often take me to a dark place where I become depressed and I withdraw from those around me again.  I basically lock myself in my room until I feel better, and get lost in these thoughts.   During this period, I try my best to listen to that voice of reason reminding me about what I know about my ex and BPD, and how he is still the same person.  I figured I'd post them here.

Me:  I wish he would contact me.  I wish he would reach out and tell me something…even if it's something as simple as "Happy B-day."  I want to know that to him, I'm still a living, breathing person who he has a past with.

Voice of reason:  Even if he contacts me, it won't do any good.  I'll get my hopes up and create all sorts of fantasies (as if I haven't already) about what I want to happen between us.  I'll want to question him about the girl he has been hanging out with.  I'll want to know why it took him so long to say something to me, and whether or not he meant all of the awful things he said.

Me:  Things are getting serious with his new love interest.  They're hanging out, friends on social networking sites; he writes her sweet messages under her pictures and stuff.  It appears that he has completely forgotten about me.  Maybe she'll be the one for him and eventually she'll get what I didn't:  acknowledgement.  People will know how much he loves her.  Maybe she'll do everything he wants and he'll fall madly in love with her.  I wonder if I had social networking sites when we were together, would be add me, would he talk to me and write on my pictures?  Would he tell me how beautiful I was for everyone to see?  Or would he hide me and keep me a secret so he could do whatever he pleases?  If he were to get into a relationship with this girl, it would kill me.  I'm already insecure because of something he told me "I like Asian girls.  I like them a lot.  I said I didn't so you wouldn't think I'd cheat…"  What makes her so much better than me?

Voice of reason:  He's still the same person.  He still has issues.  He may be nice to her now, but eventually he'll show his true colors.  He hasn't forgotten about me, he has repressed his feelings because he cannot process them.  Even though I know this, I still can't help but to feel like a "non-person" to him. 

Me:  I want to know what he's doing, who he's with, whether or not he's happy.  So I continue to torture myself and look at his websites.  When I look now, I don't cry as much as I used to.  I'm still hurt, but sometimes it feels like I've got no more tears left.  I don't know if that's numbness or what. 

Voice of reason:  Social networking is a front.  It's what we want people to see.  He can make it look like he's happy and having the time of his life, but who knows?  It has basically given him the chance to reinvent himself and look as cool or funny as he'd like to be.  It's a façade.

Usually listening to that voice of reason helps, but sometimes my emotions overpower me and all I can feel is emptiness inside.  It has been nearly three months.  I just want to be over this. 

[schwing]

Hi Sango216,

I thought I'd offer some feedback to what you've written.  Hopefully some of it will be helpful to you.

Still, a part of me does wish he'd acknowledge me in some way, which doesn't make sense seeing as I broke it off. 

Even though you were the one who broke things off, it is unusual to be so completely cut-off from someone who was once very dear to you, in such a sudden and disproportionate way.  It would be more validating to you to know that he is also having a difficult time with the separation but that you both understand this is for the best.  But that is not the kind of break-up you are experience.  The way he is reacting, it feels more like you had betrayed, abandoned or denigrated him.  Or worse, it feels as if you've suddenly ceased to exist for him making you question his prior attachment to you. 

To be treated by someone who was once (probably) the most important person in you life, even though you choose to break it off, does feel a bit like abandonment.

I basically lock myself in my room until I feel better, and get lost in these thoughts.   :)uring this period, I try my best to listen to that voice of reason reminding me about what I know about my ex and BPD, and how he is still the same person.  I figured I'd post them here.

It's a good idea to find ways (including by posting here) to express your feelings, and to have them validated.  But I don't know if it's such a great idea to isolate yourself "until [you] feel better."  I think you might be better served by finding new places where you feel safe to feel, and perhaps express (maybe creatively?) the myriad of feelings are you experiencing.  Then again, different people mourn differently.  What you are going through is not unlike grief.

Me:  I wish he would contact me.  I wish he would reach out and tell me something…even if it's something as simple as "Happy B-day."  I want to know that to him, I'm still a living, breathing person who he has a past with.

Voice of reason:  Even if he contacts me, it won't do any good.  I'll get my hopes up and create all sorts of fantasies (as if I haven't already) about what I want to happen between us.  I'll want to question him about the girl he has been hanging out with.  I'll want to know why it took him so long to say something to me, and whether or not he meant all of the awful things he said.

I think a non-disordered person, if they had the kind of attachment to you as your ex did, would definitely reach out to you on your birthday.  Just because you are no longer together doesn't mean you cannot be civil and respectful to each other.  However, because your ex is disordered, he has interpreted your no longer being with him as a kind of abandonment and betrayal -- primarily because these are the emotions at the core of his disorder.

I don't think he would be able to explain his own behavior except through inconsistent rationalizations.  He probably doesn't understand what he is going through any more than you do.  The awful things he said to you, he meant, but from a distorted perspective; this is called devaluation (or painting you black). With the current girl, he is most likely idealizing her (painting her white) and so long as this is the case, he will not bother to contact you.  When this starts to change, and it will change, he may reach out to you as a means of deflecting his disordered feelings towards the new girl.

Me:  Things are getting serious with his new love interest.  They're hanging out, friends on social networking sites; he writes her sweet messages under her pictures and stuff.  It appears that he has completely forgotten about me.  Maybe she'll be the one for him and eventually she'll get what I didn't:  acknowledgement.  People will know how much he loves her.  Maybe she'll do everything he wants and he'll fall madly in love with her.  I wonder if I had social networking sites when we were together, would be add me, would he talk to me and write on my pictures?  Would he tell me how beautiful I was for everyone to see?  Or would he hide me and keep me a secret so he could do whatever he pleases?  If he were to get into a relationship with this girl, it would kill me.  I'm already insecure because of something he told me "I like Asian girls.  I like them a lot.  I said I didn't so you wouldn't think I'd cheat…"  What makes her so much better than me?

Voice of reason:  He's still the same person.  He still has issues.  He may be nice to her now, but eventually he'll show his true colors.  He hasn't forgotten about me, he has repressed his feelings because he cannot process them.  Even though I know this, I still can't help but to feel like a "non-person" to him. 

That it appears that he has completely forgotten about you, is more evidence of his disorder.

He wants to believe that the new girl is "the one".  All his life, he's been looking for "the one", the one who won't trigger his disordered feelings.  For a while he thought you were "the one."  But no one, is "the one."  His problem is not that he can't find the right woman, it's that he has BPD and finding the right woman will not cure him of his disorder.  Even if she does everything he wants, she can't cure him of his disorder.

What makes anyone better than you is that they have yet begun to trigger his disordered feelings.  Just like you were better than everyone before you, in the beginning.  But like everyone before you, his disordered feelings started to manifest again.  And so he found someone new.  And in time that new person will trigger his disordered feelings as well.  Some people last longer, some people shorter, but his disorder is the common denominator.

It is painful to be treated like a "non-person".  This is the part you will need to find a way to come to terms.  As I see it, you need to slowly learn to accept that he is disordered, and slowly accept that he has in a sense abandoned you.  Also, you may need to accept that you decision to disengage with him, is the right one for you, even though it is painful and difficult for now.

Me:  I want to know what he's doing, who he's with, whether or not he's happy.  So I continue to torture myself and look at his websites.  When I look now, I don't cry as much as I used to.  I'm still hurt, but sometimes it feels like I've got no more tears left.  I don't know if that's numbness or what. 

Voice of reason:  Social networking is a front.  It's what we want people to see.  He can make it look like he's happy and having the time of his life, but who knows?  It has basically given him the chance to reinvent himself and look as cool or funny as he'd like to be.  It's a façade.

Your impulse is to re-connect with him, to re-engage.  This is a common feeling when one has been apparently abandoned.  You might consider that even though you are not talking to him directly, your efforts to investigate his websites is still a form of contact.  Each time you check, you are opening the your wounds when you should be allowing them to heal.

Usually listening to that voice of reason helps, but sometimes my emotions overpower me and all I can feel is emptiness inside.  It has been nearly three months.  I just want to be over this. 

Three months may not be a long time depending upon the intensity of your attachment.  You will be over this.  But only if you continue to take care of yourself, and be patient with yourself.  It will take as long as it takes.

Best wishes, Schwing

[bpdspell]

An even better question to ask yourself:

Why do you need him to validate you? Why do you need someone who didn't treat you well to validate your existence? Why do you believe he holds the magic "keys" to your happiness?

Dig deep and you'll find the answers.

Spell

[Sango216]

Hello Schwing.

Yes, one of the things I struggled with in the beginning was accepting the fact that he's going to continue to live his life as if I never existed.  It would be more validating to know that he thinks about me too, but I know with him, I'll never see it.  Isolating myself is a very dangerous thing, and I tend to do it a lot unfortunately.  I've gotten a little better, but lately it has been happening more often because I've been reopening those wounds you mentioned by spying on him.

I think a non-disordered person, if they had the kind of attachment to you as your ex did, would definitely reach out to you on your birthday.  Just because you are no longer together doesn't mean you cannot be civil and respectful to each other.  However, because your ex is disordered, he has interpreted your no longer being with him as a kind of abandonment and betrayal -- primarily because these are the emotions at the core of his disorder.

I think a part of me doubts that he has the disorder, or at least the extent of it.  It's like I'm in denial about it.  Even though I post here, I still have these expectations of him that are unrealistic for a pwBPD.  I want him to reach out, to tell me how he feels, and to try and win me back.  Maybe I think that if he doesn't suffer from BPD, there is a chance he could have a heart and realize that what he did was wrong. 

When this starts to change, and it will change, he may reach out to you as a means of deflecting his disordered feelings towards the new girl.

Is it strange that I find this difficult to believe?  I was talking to a friend recently who is unfamiliar with BPD, and I asked her "What if he goes public with her?  I'm going to be crushed."  She said "He will if she stays long enough."  I know I shouldn't care, but I feel that she will because women there are submissive, and in his eyes that makes them better than me. 

Your impulse is to re-connect with him, to re-engage.  This is a common feeling when one has been apparently abandoned.  You might consider that even though you are not talking to him directly, your efforts to investigate his websites is still a form of contact.  Each time you check, you are opening the your wounds when you should be allowing them to heal.

Thank you for this.  I've been opening these wounds time and time again.  I know I need to stop.  It feels like I'm still addicted to him, and this is my last connection with him.

[Sango216]

BPDspell:

Thank you.  Insecurity, low self-worth, unhappiness within myself.  I was working on these issues prior to dating him, and was in a good place.  After our relationship ended, I felt worse than before. 

[schwing]

I think a part of me doubts that he has the disorder, or at least the extent of it.  It's like I'm in denial about it.  Even though I post here, I still have these expectations of him that are unrealistic for a pwBPD.  I want him to reach out, to tell me how he feels, and to try and win me back.  Maybe I think that if he doesn't suffer from BPD, there is a chance he could have a heart and realize that what he did was wrong. 

It's ok to be in denial.  Just treat yourself accordingly: with patience and compassion, but remind yourself of that which you are in denial.  And tell yourself, it'll be ok.

You can have feelings that are not good for you.  You are not obligated to act on these feelings.  You just need to learn to tolerate such impulses and in time temper them.

Is it strange that I find this difficult to believe? 

Partly it is difficult to believe because you don't have as much validation for your belief.  Not that many people understand or are even aware of people with BPD.  As far as your friend's concerned, he is like any other normal, relationship-challenged man.

I know I shouldn't care, but I feel that she will because women there are submissive, and in his eyes that makes them better than me. 

Maybe the kind of woman she is, is more submissive.  Maybe she is the kind of woman who will tolerate far more dysfunctional behavior than you did or ever could.  Does it mean she is the right person for him?  Does it mean she will be happy after they get married and have kids?  For all you know she will be posting here, several years from now at her wits end.

Rather than not care about what happens to her, you might try caring that at least some part of you is telling you that you are not as good as this other woman, that "if only" you were this that or the other thing, this relationship would have worked out.  You might consider finding ways to silence that critical, self-invalidating part of yourself, because that part of you is not serving you right now.

[Sango216]

schwing:

Thank you.

You've been extremely helpful.  You're so right.  I'm going to start going to therapy again, and instead of putting so much energy into focusing on their relationship, I need to build up my self-worth. 

[xenia]

Sango,

Just want you to know that you're not alone when it comes to checking social media. I periodically check up on my suspected BPD friend who abandons me, and while I know in some way I'm prolonging the hurt, it's all I have after having the rug pulled from under my feet for no reason. I've found that it gets better with time, and one day I won't even care to check. I don't view it as contact, because I'm not engaged in communication with her. I don't agree with the hardline many take on "no contact", but I understand that my situation is different because I was not dating the suspected BPD in my life. Some people are able to quit addictions "cold turkey". Others need to taper off. This situation is no different. You are going to hurt either way, so if this makes you feel better, I see no harm. But if deep down you know it's going to make you worse off in the long run, you may want to come up with a plan to stop.

[Sango216]

Xenia:

Thank you.   I know that looking at social media is only going to make me feel worse.  whenever I do it, I end up feeling sad or forgotten. 

[bewildered2]

two things to remember.

1. schwing is right about everything.

2. BPD is a severe mental illness which makes a healthy relationship impossible.

hang in there, take the pain, and let time go by, you will get better, guaranteed.

b2

[Sango216]

bewildered2:

Yes, Schwing is right.  I appreciate all of the support!