Do they project to hurt us or help themselves

[cal644]

I was doing so good - but then I start to get all this projection from my stbexw - is it becuase the divorce is almost finalized?  The stuff she is saying I know is Bull.  She is accusing me of having al these other woman on the side, texting people all the time, how my daughter is scared of me (which she prefers to be with me in truth), how I kicked her out of the house and filed for divorce (due to her actions), how I never loved her (19yrs together) and how other people love and acept her for who she is, how everyone on the softball team and church hates me (actually they all get along with me but only one person will associate with her - by my stbexw choice/very anti-social, how I am controlling and abusive (- looking in her own mirror).  How I'm Bi-polar (-looking in the mirror).  Why do they get so nasty, especially to someone who loves them and forgave them.  Is it to make us feel the pain they are feeling or is it so they don't look like the bad one.  And why has it gotten worse these last weeks, is it becuase the divorce is almost 100% done.  The worst part for me is with such a constant barrage of attacks I do start to question myself - but then realize it is all Bull, but why do I even question myself?

[Validation78]

Hi Cal!

This is very tough stuff, I understand because it happens to me too. I'm still shaken up by it, and still get that shiver up my spine when I read or hear the pure bologna! All I can tell you is to do a lot of self talk. Reach out to your friends and family for your validation. As we know, pwBPD are masters of projection, and yes, so convincing that we start to question our own reality.

I have found that my initial reaction to this sort of stuff wanes quickly, and I'm sure yours will too. Of course there may be some small bit of truth to what they say, and I have looked at that as an opportunity to grow. However, most of it is projection as you know, and an attempt to get you to engage. Don't be sucked in. Resist the temptation to respond, and continue to live your truth!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jdcthunder14]

Cal.

Your title question "do they project to hurt us or help themselves" I think is a mistake in thinking right from the start. The title and thought process involves thinking there is a plan on their part and I just do not think the planning and logical parts of their brains are active when they are projecting on us.

I will be posting an interaction with mine from yesterday shortly... . but the main idea is that it seems to me that when a pwBPD gets stressed (for whatever reason they might have) like in a divorce (which also is an abandoment trigger for her) they are at their worst as far as the disorder goes. It is written all over these boards... . it isn't about you.

[KellyO]

Projection was hard stuff for me to deal with, always. But it is not done in order to HURT anyone. It is very unconcious, and person who projects does not know he/she does it. If you would get caught when you project, you would be in awe. I surely was when I realized my ex-bf was not only one in our relationship who projects. Only thing I can say that when you do project, it feels bad inside of you. But if you are not very aware of yourself, you don't notice. Once one opens eyes for own projecting, it is impossible to not notice. When I look people I now see them projecting all the time. So no, it is not about hurting others. It is a self-defense mechanism, and it acts like all mechanisms: without control. It has on/off, and when it is ON, anything can happen.

Jung has even better explanation for projection (and one that I actually follow and worked with, and man I love Jung). We project our Shadow, the self we have hidden from ourselves because it was unwanted. There is everything we don't want to see in us. When you get annoyed about people, situations, anything, you just got blink of your shadow. Know your shadow, and situations where you got really annoyed do not bother anymore.

Disordered person have HUGE shadow. Lots of hiding, lots of projecting. I think they must be exhausted of all that projecting and hiding from self.

[slimmiller]

cal644, its not you she is talking about, its HER. Pure projection and nothing else. In times like that I reflect and somehow (Its a work in progress)  realize myself that the hollowness and emptiness in her makes her see those things in me. She never reflects and thus never sees the source for her miseries. They are in her and she can only FEEL them but since she dont see it, it must be you. (in her mind)

[cska]

She is accusing me of having al these other woman on the side, texting people all the time.

Cal, I'm sorry you have to hear all of that bull. Mine tells me exactly the same thing. She claims I love this girl who was my classmate back in college even though I have absolutely no contact with this woman. None!

I'm beginning to think that she herself desperately wants to believe that I have feelings for this girl, because that would validate her delusions, and make me seem like a bad guy, which would validate her fears about me.

She begs me to e-mail this woman and tell her I never liked her. I try to imagine this scenario in my head: I'm emailing a person with whom I have absolutely no contact with, and there was never an implication that I like her, to tell her I don't like her. What the hell... .  

[ScotisGone74]

The projection is actually what 'They' are thinking, feeling, and doing,  they hang it around our neck so that they can feel better about themselves as they do it.  And again, its disordered thinking, there is no rhyme or reason, or factual basis to anything we did in most cases. 

The usual line in projection is  ' you don't love me '  or  'you are cheating with... . ', something along those lines. 

And then we try to make them feel better by jumping threw hoops showing them we do love them and aren't cheating, and then waahlaaa, geuss what?   Here's more hoops to jump. 

[cska]

And then we try to make them feel better by jumping threw hoops showing them we do love them and aren't cheating, and then waahlaaa, geuss what?   Here's more hoops to jump. 

Yup, always more hoops... . I always find myself jumping through hoops over what amounts to be absolutely nothing. 5+ hours of texting to attempt to tell her that I don't like anyone else but her, and all she keeps saying is "You love this other girl, don't you?" Aaaaaaaaa

[danley]

Sometimes it feels like both. They hurt us to help themselves.  When my ex used to call me selfish or say I was in denial, I was confused because minutes prior he would tell me the opposite. He would rant and rave about how I wanted him back. But I would not even be in contact in that type of way. I told him I couldn't be with him while he was emotionally distressed. He kept on nagging that I wanted a relationship and I was so appalled by his egocentric words. I finally switched it up on him and threw it back in his face. I told him it seemed like he wanted ME back and asked him if it were True. He went silent. He started talking about us and all the bumps that HE perceived. He said he can't project the future. I said I can't either and whatever happens will happen. He hasn't brought up the subject since then. Idk if it's because I flat out told him I couldn't be with him right now or if it was because I put his projections in check.

In this case, I don't know if he was accusing me to hurt me. I believe he wanted me to disappear and couldn't handle an ounce of me actually being nice because in his eyes my friendliness meant I wanted him. He needed me to be erased from his world so he didn't have to face his guilt and shame he had with our relationship.  Maybe he felt relief when I said I didn't want him in this stage of his life. Regarding our relationship, I think on a certain level he is at war with what he wants and having to keep up appearances with family and friends as his fear of acceptance is great.

In other instances my ex would project and it was obvious he was venting his unhappiness with himself onto me. I don't believe they realize what they're saying is hurtful or out of whack. I think they just have so much crap going on and it feels safest for them to project onto the one that they're closest to. I do know my ex would project and I would defend myself. He would be upset because in his eyes i wasnt validating his issues. And then he would say things to stab me with the intent of an eye for an eye. At this point both of us would be angry. It would be so much easier if they would communicate and state and own their issues. Eliminate all the unnecessary in between stuff.

[seeking balance]

Repeat this mantra, "not about me"

It will pass - try and limit your contact to strictly parenting together so there is not the opportunity to get "off-topic".

[Findingmysong723]

I remember my Ex calling me selfish, when I told him that we should make a plan to go to a restaurant we had a gift card for. The issue started because I told him that we would split the rest of the bill that the card didn't cover. I felt it was fair since the gift card was for both of us, a gift from my Dad so why not just split it. I guess I was supposed to cover the whole thing. We split things a lot, so it wasn't off the wall.  I was stunned standing in his room not understanding why he called me "selfish" and then actually started to wonder if I was... . that part still annoys me.  

Then the truth came out, he just said I said that to "hurt you," and he did apologize... . but still annoys me.

Also, one other thing which sorta relates to projection, is the thing we dislike about others is what we dislike in ourselves and that was something that explains our relationship so much. My Ex Boyfriend admitted in a letter once that the thing that bothered him most about me, was how nervous or awkward I could be at times. He wanted me to come out of my shell and not be so shy etc, because it reminded him of himself in the past being that scared boy etc. Even though he admitted it to me, when things got worse he would pick on me more about me acting all socially awkward etc. I wasn't all the time, but sometimes I was and it got worse being around someone so unpredictable. I wasn't like that with other people, I feel I became more of that person the more he would say those things about me. However, he is still that scared boy who decided instead of working on himself was to just pick on the scared girl instead and make her feel worse for being scared too! The hypocrisy pisses me off so much, that you hurt me for being just like you! However, I know that I might be insecure at times but I'm much stronger than him, because there were things he couldn't change like, he never made me become an angry person, he wanted me to show anger when he felt it and I refused!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Arggghhh projection. 

I experienced this almost daily for the whole 3 years I have been involved with (3 week ex) BP.

It started with all my 'scummy/sleazy' friends

It started with my family

It started with members of extended family from my past, some of whom were still friends today (relationships with ex and Father of my children).

It started with my work associates/employers

It started with all his friends, all his family, and most of all his parents and of course the one who got it the worst? Good ole me... .

I try not to project, and as much as possible, avoid making assumptions if I can help it.

I am completely aware of every single fault that I have, and am doing my very best to improve myself as a person, (this has been and will be an ongoing task that I accept)

I can own every single stupid mistake I have ever made, (and I am not proud of myself for some of them).

I am aware of my shortcomings and those things I need to work on as to my own wellbeing/health/wealth/etc.

Am also aware of when my own thinking has tripped me up in the past and present, (so to speak)

I am honest and reasonably assertive when it comes to the really crucial stuff

I try to avoid taking anyone for granted (or anything)

I do not instantly trust people, and feel that trust is earned, (this goes for me too)

I try not to focus too much on the past, instead focus on how my future can be different because of it, or in spite of it, (and remember the good stuff which enriches your future).

I accept the difficulties I have now and am working on each of them as possible

I also try to see the bright sides of the most difficult circumstances, (even if I don't cope that well as they happen), there is usually a silver lining to every cloud.

Presently, I am trying to focus on those, now that I am apart from my BP. This is no easy task, because despite all the abuse, (in all forms) his incessant need for conflict, and his refusal to seek help for his admitted problem, I loved him dearly with all my heart.

I can accept my anger/frustration as being a natural, normal and perfectly justifiable emotion, given what was happening as a result of his actions/reactions.

My biggest realisation is that he really wasted three years of my life, lying to me that he loved me, when clearly he knew he wasn't ever capable of it, and did not feel the same way about me.

Of this, I have no doubt.

The sobering reality of that has finally sunken in for the very last time, but how long it will take me to get rid of the grief, I don't know.

Kinda feel like a part of me is broken forever now.

[thisyoungdad]

The more I can hang on to the idea that it is not about me the easier (very slowly) it becomes to not take on or feel hurt and or upset by the B.S projection that occurs. For a long time it was not so much what she was saying that pissed me off, rather that it seemed that people believed her every word. People I thought I knew enough that they wouldn't buy into it. Then I realized they aren't buying into it as much as I think they are, but there is only so much they can say.

It is almost more painful for me to realize that the projection is her feelings/thoughts/emotions about herself that she is putting on me because they are too painful for her. So if the things she says about me she feels about herself, no wonder she can act "crazy" sometimes. Those are intense feelings and thoughts to have about oneself. I can see her in a new way when I can remember this. I can see her as a person, a very hurt person who probably feels like a trapped and scared kid with no way out except to lash out to temporarily relieve the pain. What a sad life to have. So I have come to realize that when it comes to this topic I don't think my wife or soon to be ex wife, does this on purpose. I don't think she knows she does it even. That is the saddest part really.