This leaving a BPD is really tough

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In the final stage of leaving/ending a 24 yr relationship with my not formally diagnosed BPD common law wife. Its been nearly 2 years since I finally told her that I did not/could not/was unable to continue on in the relationship.  I didn't tell her what I was really thinking and the real reasons I had finally had enough. People here know about never being right, never being able to do enough, always being under the microscope, the jealously and resentment when I spent time with friends or pursued an interest. Never a glimmer of responsibility for outbursts, and rages over the most trivial things. Not being able to discuss things because of the vast difference in how we each process information and facts.

I found out about BPD 6 years ago after a full blown burning hatred filled barely contained rage over being late getting home the day after I found my father passed away on the floor of his house. Even during that time of extreme grief and shock at finding him when I walked in she had to find something I had done to get angry at. And worst of all she felt justified in being angry.

   

I don't need to tell everyone what its been like for the last two years. She is extremely waify/needy/dependent but is high functioning. She works steady but only about 28 hours a week for the past ten years. I have paid for pretty much everything around the house for years. She buys some groceries and a couple of the utility bills but thats it. Just the two of us no kids, no debts, no loans.  I was the one that drove the beaters while she drove the newer car.

I went to hospital end of last year with what I thought was a heart attack. I told her what was going on and that I needed to get to emerg. It was quicker to have her drive me than wait for ambulance. She took her own sweet time getting ready. She had to apply some makeup. Then she had to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile with chest pains and a pounding pulse I was the one who went out and opened the garage up. I leaned against the wall for at least another 4 minutes waiting for her.  Long story short after this I went through all the tests cardiac wise only to learn that I have a very healthy heart but severe anxiety.

Then after this and I was declared healthy I went on a solo trip to ski. While I was gone she had to go to emerg and was hooked up with crisis team. She is going to therapy, is on meds. The only difference is the anger is diminished somewhat but the waif victim mentality is still there and deeply engrained. I glanced at the books she is supposed to read and they are all about co-dependency.

The last while she maintains that she is the only one hurt, will be inconvenienced, all these things she will have to do, etc. I have been to therapy as well starting a couple of years ago. The therapist was really good, she specializes in BPD and with the information I had provided her before my first session and my answers to her questions she was able to gear her session to helping me understand me more so than the disorder. Turns out that I seem to be well adjusted, a great deal of empathy, giving, pleasant man. BUT I let someone walk all over me. I was blind to the red flags that were more than visible right from the beginning. I learned the difference between consciously and sub consciously accepting unacceptable behaviour and actions. I learned why I accepted and tolerated things in the relationship that I would never accept or tolerate otherwise.

What have I learned? I am not nearly as bad as she made out. I did not create the disorder, I cannot change the disorder, I deserve to be happy and fulfilled. I was not put on this earth to ensure that someone else's financial, social, and emotional needs are completely filled to that persons satisfaction at the expense of mine. I learned that I am human and as a human its tough enough just to make sure that my financial, social and emotional needs are met without being.

Off to the lawyer this afternoon, hope to get an agreement signed in the next week or so. Then its going to be a long 3 months until I take possession of her half of the house and she leaves. I wish her well, I do not hate her, I hope she finds some semblance of happyness, peace and satisfaction in her life.   

[ramble on]

In the final stage of leaving/ending a 24 yr relationship with my not formally diagnosed BPD common law wife. Its been nearly 2 years since I finally told her that I did not/could not/was unable to continue on in the relationship.  I didn't tell her what I was really thinking and the real reasons I had finally had enough. People here know about never being right, never being able to do enough, always being under the microscope, the jealously and resentment when I spent time with friends or pursued an interest. Never a glimmer of responsibility for outbursts, and rages over the most trivial things. Not being able to discuss things because of the vast difference in how we each process information and facts.

I found out about BPD 6 years ago after a full blown burning hatred filled barely contained rage over being late getting home the day after I found my father passed away on the floor of his house. Even during that time of extreme grief and shock at finding him when I walked in she had to find something I had done to get angry at. And worst of all she felt justified in being angry.

   

I don't need to tell everyone what its been like for the last two years. She is extremely waify/needy/dependent but is high functioning. She works steady but only about 28 hours a week for the past ten years. I have paid for pretty much everything around the house for years. She buys some groceries and a couple of the utility bills but thats it. Just the two of us no kids, no debts, no loans.  I was the one that drove the beaters while she drove the newer car.

I went to hospital end of last year with what I thought was a heart attack. I told her what was going on and that I needed to get to emerg. It was quicker to have her drive me than wait for ambulance. She took her own sweet time getting ready. She had to apply some makeup. Then she had to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile with chest pains and a pounding pulse I was the one who went out and opened the garage up. I leaned against the wall for at least another 4 minutes waiting for her.  Long story short after this I went through all the tests cardiac wise only to learn that I have a very healthy heart but severe anxiety.

Then after this and I was declared healthy I went on a solo trip to ski. While I was gone she had to go to emerg and was hooked up with crisis team. She is going to therapy, is on meds. The only difference is the anger is diminished somewhat but the waif victim mentality is still there and deeply engrained. I glanced at the books she is supposed to read and they are all about co-dependency.

The last while she maintains that she is the only one hurt, will be inconvenienced, all these things she will have to do, etc. I have been to therapy as well starting a couple of years ago. The therapist was really good, she specializes in BPD and with the information I had provided her before my first session and my answers to her questions she was able to gear her session to helping me understand me more so than the disorder. Turns out that I seem to be well adjusted, a great deal of empathy, giving, pleasant man. BUT I let someone walk all over me. I was blind to the red flags that were more than visible right from the beginning. I learned the difference between consciously and sub consciously accepting unacceptable behaviour and actions. I learned why I accepted and tolerated things in the relationship that I would never accept or tolerate otherwise.

What have I learned? I am not nearly as bad as she made out. I did not create the disorder, I cannot change the disorder, I deserve to be happy and fulfilled. I was not put on this earth to ensure that someone else's financial, social, and emotional needs are completely filled to that persons satisfaction at the expense of mine. I learned that I am human and as a human its tough enough just to make sure that my financial, social and emotional needs are met without being.

Off to the lawyer this afternoon, hope to get an agreement signed in the next week or so. Then its going to be a long 3 months until I take possession of her half of the house and she leaves. I wish her well, I do not hate her, I hope she finds some semblance of happyness, peace and satisfaction in her life.   

[GreenMango]

Good to hear youve had a revelation.  You can do 3 months.  It's a walk in the park compared to a life time of panic attacks!

[letmeout]

I got that one beat, when I fell off a ladder and broke my leg once, my ex said he wanted to go to bed instead of taking me to the ER. He left me lying there until the next morning! Then he got really mad at me when I told everyone what he did because he felt he was perfectly justified in doing that.  Amazing.