Ex pwBPD and the long lost love reunited

[Pretty Woman]

Hi all,

   I am still struggling with this and hope you can provide me with insight. 

I dated my gf for 11mo and she broke up with me several times within that period.  In the past she would block my number, tell me she was done and wanted nothing to do with me ever or she hated me. 

She always returned less than a week later. 

This time, her ex is going through a divorce.  Mind you this is the ex from 10 years ago, not one of the three before me.  In her words during the non angry times in our relationship, this is the "one that got away". 

My ex and her ex were friendly our entire relationship with my ex constantly in contact with her. At one point my ex had a block on her cell phone (I tried to use it once and it was locked).when she would get mad at me she would plan to run off to Minnesota to see her (we are in Illinois) but it never happened and she would come back.

So this time she hooks up with this woman out of state and tells me she loves me (crying) is conflicted but feels God is giving her her "partner back" and she needs to date her again.

She starts calling her her girlfriend and says she would be very pissed to know she is talking to me and she cannot afford to lose her as she is her "only friend left".  This is a week after dumping me.

My therapist tells me that she was probably planning her exit from me for some time and now that the ex is single she used anything she could to break with me (I cancelled dinner plans and she said she was done).

This has been such a roller coaster.  It is not that I want her. Obviously I became co dependent and her push pull did not help me. It just hurts that I didn't heed all the signs. Once when we got back together she burst into tears telling me how this ex broke her heart dumping her right before a week long carribean vacation. She married her replacement but throughout the years told my ex she was her "soulmate" and they would be together someday.

My theory is if the ex really wanted that she would have dumped her wife long ago.  In fact her wife is still living with her until September.

Also, womans family has told my ex to her face that her ex could "do better" and that she wasn't good enough.  I'd like to think there was much more to this breakup than she said. The fact is these two had remained friends for 10yrs post break so I think the ex may have forgotten and thinks my ex is mature and we (all the exes) are evil.

Does anyone think this rekindled relationship will work? I know I am obsessing this just hurts like hell.  Has anyone gotten back with a BPD after 10-15 yrs and it worked?

[Pretty Woman]

I should also add: after leaving for the ex she proceeded to tell me she wasn't sure it would even work because her ex is anal and lives five hours away and both have established jobs. 

I really felt that she was trying to keep me hanging and I told her I would not be second best.

So two days later she tells me we cannot be friends, she will never be intimate with me again and if I do not leave her alone she will file a restraining order. 

This killed me. 

She has not contacted me since June 13th but has showed up at my spin class on Saturday after telling me post breakup I could have that day.  I have since switched gyms. It sucks she wnts to rub my face in it and she left me, I did not leave her! 

[jollygreen]

To answer your question I don't think so. Hence the phrase history is doomed to repeat itself. Past triggers seem to remain triggers in the BPD mind. I was compared and mistaken for my BPD ex's exboyfriend of 3 before me. Now I am a trigger for that. Also I have read many a stories where marriages are temporarily broken up or involve a BPD individual, only to have the marriage reconciled or the BPD person flees. It's interesting that she showed up at your spin class, a clearsign of contact on her end. My ex tried to turn me into plan b as well. You're worth and deserving of being someone's plan A.

[GreenMango]

Long distance relationships aren't really in a position to create real intimacy and can avoid the regular run of mill relationship stressors.

If your ex has BPD intimacy both the desire and aversion to it will be constant source of emotional upheaval.  This doesn't go away with a new partner.

As for boundaries and agreements these can be fleeting dependent not on the agreement but on the feeling at the time.  She felt like spinning.  She didn't feel the agreement was a big deal to honor hence she showed up.  Or she woke up a thought hey it might be nice to see earth angel without thinking about your agreement or your feelings.

Losing someone you love is hard.  Try to avoid knowing too much about the ins and outs of her life - it sounds like its bringing you a lot of pain.

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you for the replies.  I am still in a slight fog.  Nothing has ever hurt this much and I'm mad it does. Why the hell should I feel so bad? This person discarded me like a piece of trash.  I tried to make things nice for her and this s how I am treated?

I never deserved this. 

I know a lot us the illness and I am aware enough that while it takes two in a relationship, I am not fully to blame for this.

This was my first lesbian relationship and I lost several friends over it.  I know I am just feeling alone and that will pass as I re enter my life. 

I am not a narcissist but I do have a hard time losing and I know it is a double whammy that she left for this ex who was her confidant our entire relationship.

It's awful but knowing she is someone elses issue now... . well I can't think of a better gift to give someone who interfered in my relationship.  Again, I know is not all my ex or her ex but yeah I do hope this crashes and burns.  Is that bad? Lol. 

[laelle]

  In a few months you will be well on your way in the healing process.  Your next relationship will be a happy and healthy one.

Your ex... . in a few months her partner will have just realized that your ex had not changed like she said she had, and that everything she said was a lie.

The cycle for your ex will continue on... . misery does love company.


Who do you think is the winner here you competitive girl? 

[Pretty Woman]

Laelle,

   Thanks Hun   

Today I check Facebook. I wasn't going to... . she blocked me.  She is headed to Minnesota to be with the new girl for ten days. 

I know it is to rile me up.  I blocked her last Friday and she showed to my spin class Saturday.  It is a game.  I'm so sick of it and looking forward to a fun 4th!

[laelle]

If you want to stop the game, stop playing.

I know because I had to break myself of this too.  Every time my ex and I broke up we would play the stalk game.  When we got back together we would joke

about all the silly things we did to get each others attention or spy on each other.

Its not because your not allowed to look.  You are a free woman and can do as you like.  Stop looking because it hurts you.  Havent you hurt enough?

Love yourself a bit and stop involving yourself in her stuff.  Its her stuff now, and you can start working on your stuff.

What do you have planned for tonight?  I just took a long, hot bath, and am about to try a new recipe of stuffed bell peppers.  I have an MMO I have been playing that

I really enjoy.  I thought instead of going out, I would just relax at home.  I bought strawberry pie for dessert. 

Dont live vicariously through your ex... . LIVE your life.   

[Pretty Woman]

I'm going to see Melissa Etheridge in concert with friends.  Hoping it doesn't rain.

No, her being gone for ten days is going to be good for me.  It hard because our anniversary would have been end of next month but I'm keeping busy and working out like a madwoman! I hope you have a good weekend!

[laelle]

Thank you so much!  Have a great time at the concert!

[Gaslit]

earth angel - if you "block her" it means she can't see you, and it also means that You can't see her. Are you saying you "unblocked her" and then a couple days later, she blocked you?

If you didn't unblock her, it is why you can't see her. The blocking prevents all seeing, on either side.

[jollygreen]

My ex played games on facebook too and the n would get mad at me because it looked like i was having a great time without her. Now looking back at it I did . But since then I deactivated my Facebook entirely to avoid that crap. I also knew she would get our mutual friends to spy as well. She has already gotten one of them to call. Don't worry about the Facebook thing, too much meaning can be misunderstood from just pictures and text.