1 year anniversary...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When I began my journey exactly 1 year ago to detach from my exBPD/NPD fiancée, I was totally unaware of what Cluster B Personality Disorders were and had no idea my ex had a combination of BPD/NPD and maybe Histrionic.  I just thought she was a lying, cheating %$#@ (I really want to use the really bad word here no man should ever call a woman out loud unless he knows its over).  It wasn't till my ex's sisters reached out to me to see if I was alright after calling off the wedding that my real journey began.  Her one sister is a psychiatric nurse in NYC hospital and has always thought she(my ex) was a Borderline!  That's when I started my research(including coming to this site)... . that the pieces all started to come together.

First let me say that this site has been a life saver for me... . knowing that I was not the only one who went through this... . it wasn't me... . that almost everyone's personal experience has the same irrefutable common BPD/NPD characteristics... . was scary but comforting.  Here's a good analogy... . when my wife died, no one really knew how I felt... . they could imagine but not know.  It wasn't till I spoke with other men who lost their wives, and particularly younger men like myself that I started to heal!  Knowing that I was not alone in this toxic world... . seeing success stories... . comforting words coming from people who have been there was worth its weight in gold for me!

Now what do you think the chances of people in your close spheres of influence/contacts on a daily basis have had teh same experience with this toxic disorder?

A friend I work out with at the YMCA when I mentioned what I just been through told me he was married to a BPD woman for 8 years.  Guy I work with was married to BPD/NPD for 4 years.  A young lady I met the other night for a glass of wine (yes... . it feels good to move on) said she had an experience after her divorce with a BPD man.

Mental illness is prevalent in our society and has never got the research attention it deserves probably because it is a disease that, first the person who is ill most of the time doesn't know it and if it is not a chemical imbalance in the brain there is no real organic way to treat.  So, if your a smart person who wants to get into medical research it is much easier to focus on cancer... . heart disease... . kidney disease ya know!  Greater chance of seeing the fruits of your labor!

My point... . those of you who are in that early stage of utter pain, anger and bewilderment as to what the hell just happened in my life... . please know that  time DOES HEAL!  I lost the my wife, lover, best friend, mother of our children of 32 years to cancer and have healed... . not easy but nothing but fond memories... . I said before... . True Love never dies... . she is always with me.  The past year of detaching has been an enormous learning experience for me.  Mostly learning Who I Am, What's Important to Me, and how I Choose to Live the rest of My Life.

Something that was very good for me was that I wrote a short Story of my experience... . it turned out to be 23 pages long (Word Doc).  It was mainly for me, but I let certain people in my life read it... . like my ex's sisters who are trying to pull their family back together!  They knew but didn't have the details... . and this was just the short story!

BTW the date went well and we are gonna see each other again!  I've had so many doors close on me in my life but I have learned it is only yourself that can choose what you do when you walk through the new door.  I guess you don't have to walk through the new door which is the worst choice IMHO, but I chose to Live!  My wife taught me to never feel sorry for yourself... . live each day like you were dying... . she knew that only too well!

[flynavy]

When I began my journey exactly 1 year ago to detach from my exBPD/NPD fiancée, I was totally unaware of what Cluster B Personality Disorders were and had no idea my ex had a combination of BPD/NPD and maybe Histrionic.  I just thought she was a lying, cheating %$#@ (I really want to use the really bad word here no man should ever call a woman out loud unless he knows its over).  It wasn't till my ex's sisters reached out to me to see if I was alright after calling off the wedding that my real journey began.  Her one sister is a psychiatric nurse in NYC hospital and has always thought she(my ex) was a Borderline!  That's when I started my research(including coming to this site)... . that the pieces all started to come together.

First let me say that this site has been a life saver for me... . knowing that I was not the only one who went through this... . it wasn't me... . that almost everyone's personal experience has the same irrefutable common BPD/NPD characteristics... . was scary but comforting.  Here's a good analogy... . when my wife died, no one really knew how I felt... . they could imagine but not know.  It wasn't till I spoke with other men who lost their wives, and particularly younger men like myself that I started to heal!  Knowing that I was not alone in this toxic world... . seeing success stories... . comforting words coming from people who have been there was worth its weight in gold for me!

Now what do you think the chances of people in your close spheres of influence/contacts on a daily basis have had teh same experience with this toxic disorder?

A friend I work out with at the YMCA when I mentioned what I just been through told me he was married to a BPD woman for 8 years.  Guy I work with was married to BPD/NPD for 4 years.  A young lady I met the other night for a glass of wine (yes... . it feels good to move on) said she had an experience after her divorce with a BPD man.

Mental illness is prevalent in our society and has never got the research attention it deserves probably because it is a disease that, first the person who is ill most of the time doesn't know it and if it is not a chemical imbalance in the brain there is no real organic way to treat.  So, if your a smart person who wants to get into medical research it is much easier to focus on cancer... . heart disease... . kidney disease ya know!  Greater chance of seeing the fruits of your labor!

My point... . those of you who are in that early stage of utter pain, anger and bewilderment as to what the hell just happened in my life... . please know that  time DOES HEAL!  I lost the my wife, lover, best friend, mother of our children of 32 years to cancer and have healed... . not easy but nothing but fond memories... . I said before... . True Love never dies... . she is always with me.  The past year of detaching has been an enormous learning experience for me.  Mostly learning Who I Am, What's Important to Me, and how I Choose to Live the rest of My Life.

Something that was very good for me was that I wrote a short Story of my experience... . it turned out to be 23 pages long (Word Doc).  It was mainly for me, but I let certain people in my life read it... . like my ex's sisters who are trying to pull their family back together!  They knew but didn't have the details... . and this was just the short story!

BTW the date went well and we are gonna see each other again!  I've had so many doors close on me in my life but I have learned it is only yourself that can choose what you do when you walk through the new door.  I guess you don't have to walk through the new door which is the worst choice IMHO, but I chose to Live!  My wife taught me to never feel sorry for yourself... . live each day like you were dying... . she knew that only too well!

[mango_flower]

Your story about your wife always brings tears to my eyes, but I am so incredibly glad that you had 32 wonderful years.  You're right - she is always with you.  You are a very wise guy, and I hope I can follow your path and that it goes onwards and upwards! x

[flynavy]

mango... . as you can imagine... . I was totally devastated by my BPD/NPD ordeal.  I am lucky... . my first REAL relationship was a totally life changing experience for me.  Life changing in an extremely positive way.  When I was growing up I never imagined what it could be like to be loved by a beautiful woman inside and out.  I only hope I can bring encouragement and hope to/for those who's first time in the batters box was with this insidious disorder.

I KNOW for a fact that the reward of finding your true soul mate FAR OUTWEIGHS the risks/vulnerability of putting yourself out there!  Hopefully, we are now all armed with the wisdom, and fortitude to follow our hearts but with our new found strength and knowledge to do the due diligence we all should do as we move forward... . TO ALL... . it so worth it!   

[flynavy]

Forgot... . I posted this on my facebook account... . like Zak Brown says... . don't be fallin in love as she/he is walkin away... . you'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take... .

As I begin going through things before I sell my house, I wanted to be sure I didn't throw away things that had special meaning to me... . things I wanted to keep! I ran across a large number of letters wrapped in a yellow ribbon. I know it was only 3 and 1/2 years ago, but Sandie gave me these before she passed. They were every letter I sent to her when I went out on my first Navy cruise. The significance is when I left her that morning I never said/gave her any word of commitment... . don't know why because God knows I was madly in love with her! These letters said everything I wanted to say/should have said before I left her but didn't. I had no idea she held on to these letters until she gave them to me before she died. I am continually reminded how truly blessed I was! I am totally convinced that it was Sandie who intervened and stopped me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life... . twice!

[broken3]

fly,

My hat is off to you sir... . For your dedication to this country and having to deal with this after a healthy love which we all want and need. And then that taken from you.

You sir are an inspiration.

Please do not let the dealings with a person with this disorder affect you any longer. I know that is easier said than done.

But please remember this. You have experienced true love and commitment in the ways some of us could only dream about.

You need to remember that that came from yourself. That that is what you deserve.

Do not seek out the same in new relationships and judge them by what you had prior.

Instead, count the blessing that you had and embrace it. Knowing that most will never have the same.

[flynavy]

Thank you broken!  I am 60 years old... . consider myself a man's man... . not chauvinistic... . but believe in old school values of honor... . love for your father and mother, your wife and kids if you so choose, and this great country... . I would do anything for any of these including put myself in harms way to protect our way of life(and I have)... . but I am continually brought to tears knowing how blessed I have been.  I don't know any other way to be.  When my wife died, my therapist asked me ... . Who are you?   I couldn't answer... . when clearmind told me on numerous occasions... . when I was angry on this site... . to look inside... . little did I know what I would find.  I know who I am... . what I had ( and appreciate it ) and like what I found out.  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(... . Thanks to you all... . especially clearmind (sorry about that but you have made a huge impact on this old man) for allowing me to realize just how strong I am... . and how much more I have to give and share!  anything I can do to help anyone on this site to get to that right/good place again... . please don't hesitate to ask!

[Pou]

Flynavy: I think finding a true love is like winning a lottery ticket.  Everyone thinks they can win it, but only one in a million that happens to.  I looked very hard and had a couple longterm relationships before getting married.  It is not easy (very very hard) to finding that person who cares about you as much as you care back... .   love is the most wonderful thing in this world.  The only way I am able to cope what I am going through is to accept that it won't happen to me.  I am okay living without it and as long as I am able to give that love to my kids, I full fill part of my life destiny.  I am 40 something and I now find peace and tranquility knowing that I am not the lucky one like you.  REading your story reaffirms that my time wasn't wasted chasing after true love.  Although I failed to ever to have one, at least I wasn't chasing after an illusion.  So no fault in trying ... . just wish I was as lucky as you.  Thank you for sharing your story. 

[flynavy]

Pou... . you are FAR too young to give up!  I'm gonna be 61 this month... . there is no way I'm givin up! It's what we're here for!  You now know what you don't want... . and you got the wisdom to see the red flags and actually follow through.

As I am an Adult child of an alcoholic, I was absolutely terrified of getting into any kind of intimate relationship... . hell... . I never saw one where and how I was brought up... . so it seemed like a fairy tale to me.  I'm telling you when I saw my wife for the first time... . I knew... . can't explain it.  All fears were gone... . I only knew I had to get to know this woman... . yeah I might get shot down but I was COMPELLED top try... . I am forever grateful/glad I did!  You will be too!

[Pou]

Flynavy:  Although my wife is NPD  ... . she gave me 3 precious kids, and as long as she is good to our kids, I can forgo the search.  My kids fulfill the love ... . although very different from a soulmate type of relationship.  See them smile and laugh and just ask the most questions makes my heart filled with joy.  So it is all good at the end of the day.  For someone who may not have this ... . probably should never give up and keep on looking.  In a way ... . I am making a trade ... . can't have everything in life... . got to give some and then take some.  My first long term girl friend was more like a BPD ... . and now my wife is a NPD.  I think I am attracted to the PDs ... . I have been analyzing myself and see where my problem is coming from.  I am not confident that I won't make that mistake third time around... . like moth ... . probably will fly right into the fire again.

You tasted it ... . you know what true love is like and now you are addicted   so you keep on looking and odds are, you will find it since you have been through the worst too.  I have had failed relationships and everyone of them, I had the same feeling as if they were true love for many years ... . overlooking little (or should I say major?) things just to fool myself that I had the true love that everyone wanted.  Now, I know how rare it is, I am okay to not have it and trade that search for being in the moment loving my three children and help them getting to spread their wings and find their own in the future.  I am not sacrificing anything ... . by loving them, it completes my need to love and care for other human beings.  They reward me daily by being themselves ... . that makes me very happy.  Life is not perfect, but many perfect moments  

Thanks for your encouraging words.  I do agree with you that one is never too old to love.