No closure prolongs us from getting better?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is the fact that they do not give us closure, some sort of humanly validation that we mattered, yeah they may have BPD but they're still human, keeping or at least making it harder for us to get over it?

I'd love to hear any opinions regarding breaking up with a BPD and having no closure.

[Deleted]

Is the fact that they do not give us closure, some sort of humanly validation that we mattered, yeah they may have BPD but they're still human, keeping or at least making it harder for us to get over it?

I'd love to hear any opinions regarding breaking up with a BPD and having no closure.

[mtmc01]

The no closure thing to me made it more difficult. She just tried to place 100% blame on me, and wouldn't acknowledge anything. Then, once she moved on with another guy in a matter of weeks (we were engaged), she finally would respond in really fake, short texts that she "forgave" me. Puke.

[bpdspell]

Is the fact that they do not give us closure, some sort of humanly validation that we mattered, yeah they may have BPD but they're still human, keeping or at least making it harder for us to get over it?

I'd love to hear any opinions regarding breaking up with a BPD and having no closure.

What hurts is the realization that they aren't capable of giving us closure that hurts the most. They are emotionally underdeveloped children living in adult bodies. I know it appears that they're devious tricksters out to maim and destroy but they truly do not own a shred of sanity.

Our closure is the acceptance that they're mentally ill. We seek validation from them because we're conditioned to believe that our worth and our value comes from the approval of others. But how can a mentally ill person with a sick mind validate our worth?

Did I want to matter to my ex? Sure. I'm human. But in time it finally sank in how disordered his mind really had been all along. All along I was holding my breath waiting for him to tell me that I mattered, that he cared, that he loved me... . that I was worthy of existing. We've got to change this narrative. They are not the gatekeepers of life and they do not put breath into our nostrils. They can't even take care of themselves... .

What makes it hard to recover from these relationships is accepting the part we played in the toxic dance. Many of us are stuck in blamer, victim mode and wanting our ex's to suffer for the pain they cause. We believe they get away with murder one, unscratched and unscathed as they skip off into the sunset with new supply. So not true. I wouldn't wish BPD on my own worst enemy... . because wherever they go BPD wins.

It takes time for us to truly comprehend that they are really tortured child souls. They are broken records of narcissism, stunted growth, and intense abandonment pain and shame that plays itself out over and over again as they try to run away from their toxic demons. That's why their suicidal rate is so high.

We are also blinded by the fact that they truly hate themselves. They are simply masters at wearing the mask. If they truly loved themselves they wouldn't do the horrible things that they do. Instead they are the epitome of misery loving company... . so how could they possible validate any good in us when all they're consumed with is their own pain?

Closure that we are lovable, worthy of love and deserving of love can never come from them. It comes from us. It's the how to get to this understanding that's the real journey.

Spell.

[xenia]

For me, absolutely. When I've fallen out with other friends, there was a mutual understand about why the friendship broke down. Even knowing for sure that my friend has BPD would give me closure. I really think she does, but I am not in the position to make that call. When I started running into problems, I went back and asked the person who warned me about her if she really had a problem or if they were joking. The person was never clear--just told me that some people need to be loved at a distance. Not having answers is really difficult, and even though intellectually I know that it's a good life lesson (because you will not get answers all the time), emotionally it's one of the hardest things to deal with.

Hugs to you all who were in long-term relationships with BPD partners. I can't imagine your pain. 

[Deleted]

Spell your posts are truly amazing, every time.

I'm frequently having nightmares about my BPD ex, well recurrent dreams, and it's bothering me truly. I don't put the blame on her100% I realize that I stayed for 10 months in this toxic dance, I felt like a hostage, I made excuses for her whenever her BPD rage would consume her. I've Come to understand that and I do not play the victim anymore. But these dreams spell, it's like the ghost from the past trying to drag me back into the void I was in. I wish that during my recovery from that relationship, I could of got an I'm sorry, I'm crazy and I'm sorry for that. Deep down I'm ok with it, Just same days I can't help but to feel uneasy at this injustice, yeah we had our fault in it but still, I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps deep down they MUST realize that they have done wrong no?

[Ittookthislong]

as long as you still have questions your still connected to them. its kinda like how serial killers wont reveal everything, they know they get more attention if they have that hanging over you---the serial killer analogy is a little dramatic but you get the idea.

Also I made a joke once to my ex about how he sometimes stays quiet and that intimidates people, people fill in the gaps with their worst fears. our imaginations can run wild and they like that power. then you never fully forget all about them.

[xenia]

Spell your posts are truly amazing, every time.

They really are. Thanks for all your insight, BPDspell.

[winston72]

Xenia, when you made that joke to your ex about staying quiet to intimidate people... . did he stay quiet!

I have received many apologies over the last year.  I have received acknowledgments of the pain caused by certain behaviors.  But, they are all just a bit off.  It does go to the comment about serial killers and the withholding of information.  The apology is not intended to make all well... . it has some other agenda. Or, perhaps it is better understood that there will not be a sense of closure via a common understanding of what happened, because that type of understanding is not possible. 

Hmm... . I am not saying it clearly!  The apology and/or acknowledgement will not really bring closure.  If your partner was capable of connecting with you in this way, you would likely not be on this board!  They just are not capable of such communication, empathy and connection.

[Bananas]

Did I want to matter to my ex? Sure. I'm human. But in time it finally sank in how disordered his mind really had been all along. All along I was holding my breath waiting for him to tell me that I mattered, that he cared, that he loved me... . that I was worthy of existing. We've got to change this narrative. They are not the gatekeepers of life and they do not put breath into our nostrils. They can't even take care of themselves... .

Spell.

Thank you Spell, for this reminder.

This is where I am stuck.  When I run into my ex at work I keep hoping, although I know better, that he will stop and say something.   Something like I mattered,  he cared, he loved me, an honest apology, some accountability.  Fantasy thinking on my part for sure. 

[danley]

Is the fact that they do not give us closure, some sort of humanly validation that we mattered, yeah they may have BPD but they're still human, keeping or at least making it harder for us to get over it?

I'd love to hear any opinions regarding breaking up with a BPD and having no closure.

What hurts is the realization that they aren't capable of giving us closure that hurts the most. They are emotionally underdeveloped children living in adult bodies. I know it appears that they're devious tricksters out to maim and destroy but they truly do not own a shred of sanity.

Our closure is the acceptance that they're mentally ill. We seek validation from them because we're conditioned to believe that our worth and our value comes from the approval of others. But how can a mentally ill person with a sick mind validate our worth?

Did I wI dint to matter to my ex? Sure. I'm human. But in time it finally sank in how disordered his mind really had been all along. All along I was holding my breath waiting for him to tell me that I mattered, that he cared, that he loved me... . that I was worthy of existing. We've got to change this narrative. They are not the gatekeepers of life and they do not put breath into our nostrils. They can't even take care of themselves... .

What makes it hard to recover from these relationships is accepting the part we played in the toxic dance. Many of us are stuck in blamer, victim mode and wanting our ex's to suffer for the pain they cause. We believe they get away with murder one, unscratched and unscathed as they skip off into the sunset with new supply. So not true. I wouldn't wish BPD on my own worst enemy... . because wherever they go BPD wins.

It takes time for us to truly comprehend that they are really tortured child souls. They are broken records of narcissism, stunted growth, and intense abandonment pain and shame that plays itself out over and over again as they try to run away from their toxic demons. That's why their suicidal rate is so high.

We are also blinded by the fact that they truly hate themselves. They are simply masters at wearing the mask. If they truly loved themselves they wouldn't do the horrible things that they do. Instead they are the epitome of misery loving company... . so how could they possible validate any good in us when all they're consumed with is their own pain?

Closure that we are lovable, worthy of love and deserving of love can never come from them. It comes from us. It's the how to get to this understanding that's the real journey.

Spell.

So True... .

For three months I was seeking closure but would never get it. Instead I'd get a round of painted black and then a plethora of projections and deflections. It was such a listen cause. So I finally told my ex what he did was selfish, wrong, and inhumane. I told him I don't understand WHY or how he could do and say such things but all I knew was that if the tables were turned he'd feel just like me... . confused and hurt. I left and accepted that conversation as my closure. Saying to the core how he made me feel and not asking him for validation or answers. It was the very first time after breaking up that i had spoke up to how i felt. Because i honestly thought that it was obvious or should be obvious to any NORMAL person. And i was waiting for him to acknowledge this but it was like he was engrossed in his own pain to realize how it affected me in the process. I guess i should have spoke up earlier. My tone was calm disappointment. After i said how hurt and disappointed i felt about everything, i told him i didnt know who he was anymore and suggested he seek out professional help. Then i just up and walked away leaving him to stew in the pain that I felt. Was it the best way to handle things? I really can't say but ever since that last conversation over a month ago things have been better between us. I'm not gonna say it's because he realizes what he did was wrong. You never know what it could be, right?

[delusionalxox]

I got a long, non-specific apology BEFORE I was split black and ignored completely while going through the abortion of BPD ex's child.

I have agonised over that apology and why he had to send it. It also promised eternal friendship. It was nonsense, and I think was part of his own moral narcissism, making himself feel better about distancing and devaluing me and keeping up the facade he has that he is an 'intensely loyal person' (read in many cases STALKER! hehehe.) He stalked me many other times when I ended it for good reasons and said I would truly have been friends, but that would never have worked.

What I have had to realise this week is: there was no friendship. I fantasised it and so did he, but without all the ego stroking and sex, we had nothing. I had suspected this before and been told what an awful person I was for even thinking that. But when I cut down on sexual communication and asked for some money back from him which he had promised me 2 weeks before, all his high faluting words about eternal friendship vanished back into the mist. I was split black and comprehensively cut off apart from a note about how I had basically ruined his life- on the day of the abortion, when he refused to speak to me.

I would have tried to be friends with him, but he needed more than that from me. He needed me to be his object/substitute mummy whether for sex, free holidays, intellectual support, whatever. Once that wasn't there any more, THAT was his closure: splitting me black... .

Having to find your own closure hurts so very much and I am not surprised your dreams are haunted. I dreamed about ex last night for the first time in months. An odd, neutral dream; he didn't look at me and was holding one of my children (who he always got on well with, in a distant way). I guess I hope this is the start of processing him out of my system.