Secretly hoping for a recycle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well here I am.  It's the 4th of July a day of Independence and I am feeling very dependent.  I am forcing myself to go to dinner and a movie with a friend but all I can think about is my ex and her ex under the stars cuddling and watching fireworks.   I feel like a dejected fool.


I haven't been really lucky in love.  A few of my exes cheated on me and I'd take them back.  That was in college.  It got better and I dated a few decent people but after awhile it wasn't good and I stayed single my entire 30's until I met this woman.

I just feel awful.  I want to wake up one day not crying.  I find myself consulting "psychics" to hear only what I want to hear.   

That she's coming back.  And I fear she isn't. 

Our last exchange was that this was my fault and she would never be intimate with me again, never speak to me.  If I contact her she will get a restraining order. 

No one has ever treated me so poorly or hooked me in so deep.  I feel lost. 

I am hoping for a recycle so I can tell her off but I know now I'd take her back.  She always would dump me and come back days later not sure if I'll ever see her again now that her "one that got away" is back in the picture.  Mind you we live three miles apart and the ex is 800 miles away. 

[Pretty Woman]

Well here I am.  It's the 4th of July a day of Independence and I am feeling very dependent.  I am forcing myself to go to dinner and a movie with a friend but all I can think about is my ex and her ex under the stars cuddling and watching fireworks.   I feel like a dejected fool.


I haven't been really lucky in love.  A few of my exes cheated on me and I'd take them back.  That was in college.  It got better and I dated a few decent people but after awhile it wasn't good and I stayed single my entire 30's until I met this woman.

I just feel awful.  I want to wake up one day not crying.  I find myself consulting "psychics" to hear only what I want to hear.   

That she's coming back.  And I fear she isn't. 

Our last exchange was that this was my fault and she would never be intimate with me again, never speak to me.  If I contact her she will get a restraining order. 

No one has ever treated me so poorly or hooked me in so deep.  I feel lost. 

I am hoping for a recycle so I can tell her off but I know now I'd take her back.  She always would dump me and come back days later not sure if I'll ever see her again now that her "one that got away" is back in the picture.  Mind you we live three miles apart and the ex is 800 miles away. 

[winston72]

Earth Angel... . your posti is so candid, real and kind of sweet.  I bet lots of people on this site, myself included, have very similar feelings today, even if the essential facts are different. 

I went through many months of denial which resulted in anxiety, then many months of spontaneous bouts of weeping at all hours of the day, then the past few months just lots of sober reflection and acceptance of my real emotions.  And... . I feel better!  Yay!

But... . I harbor the desire for her to recycle me.  I just want her to want me... . that would feel good, even if I know that it has a bad overall result.  I think that kind of feeling is natural... . and the work and firm intention to alter my feelings by staying away is its own kind of natural process... . the natural way to find a better path.

"No one ever treated me so poorly or hooked me in so deep.  I feel lost"  Amazing how this has happened to thousands of people on this site!  And just so darned amazing that we want to return to the relationship.  Oh, my!  People are curious.

Happy Fourth.  It will get better.  You will find new dimensions of yourself.  You are already on your way and the process won't stop.

[mango_flower]

I could have written this myself a few months back.

The only way I've moved forward a bit is because I have sat for hours, putting the pieces together in my mind.  And I now know (99% sure) that a lot of what she said was lies.

Somehow, it's actually made me scared of her... .

I used to be desparate for a recycle, now I just want her to leave me alone and let me be.

I'll always love who I thought she was though, but my brain is now telling me she's dangerous (not in that she'd kill or hurt me, but she's unstable and dangerous for both her mental state and my own!).

Don't feel bad about your feelings.  They are normal.

What I will tell you is that they WILL pass, you cannot grieve for her forever, I mean, you CAN but it changes shape.  I promise you that the more time you spend her, the more you understand about BPD, that over time, you'll shift your stance.  I never thought I would, but I did. And I've seen it happen again and again.

It may well be that for you, you do get that recycle. But would you ever trust her again?  Maybe you're just not there yet, and maybe you WILL recycle with her a few times. But that's ok. This is your own journey and your own path. Nobody here will judge you, and we will be here for you regardless.

I love the way you write from the heart, by the way. x

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Well here I am.  It's the 4th of July a day of Independence and I am feeling very dependent.  I am forcing myself to go to dinner and a movie with a friend but all I can think about is my ex and her ex under the stars cuddling and watching fireworks.   I feel like a dejected fool.


I haven't been really lucky in love.  A few of my exes cheated on me and I'd take them back.  That was in college.  It got better and I dated a few decent people but after awhile it wasn't good and I stayed single my entire 30's until I met this woman.

I just feel awful.  I want to wake up one day not crying.  I find myself consulting "psychics" to hear only what I want to hear.   

That she's coming back.  And I fear she isn't. 

Our last exchange was that this was my fault and she would never be intimate with me again, never speak to me.  If I contact her she will get a restraining order. 

No one has ever treated me so poorly or hooked me in so deep.  I feel lost. 

I am hoping for a recycle so I can tell her off but I know now I'd take her back.  She always would dump me and come back days later not sure if I'll ever see her again now that her "one that got away" is back in the picture.  Mind you we live three miles apart and the ex is 800 miles away. 

That one sentence said it all.  I remember feeling the way you do right now.  It is the worst kind of feeling to have.  I would lie in bed all day and night and cry and pray that he'd come back.  Everytime my phone made a noise, or even if I just thought it did, my heart would jump out of my chest and I'd be across the room in a split second to check to see if it was him.  It might help you to maybe seek out other dates.  I know you're not ready for another relationship, but just have some fun.  Someone asked yesterday about a rebound.  Honestly, that's the only thing that got me through.

[cult]

I am right there with you. I would like nothing more than a recycle at this moment. Doesn't help that ex is framing this as a "break" and cannot look me in the eye and tell me she's done with me/us. We are both muttering "maybe this is just temporary." Time will tell but for now I just want her back.

[thelword]

I understand where you are coming from. The fourth of july is my favorite holiday and we were going to spend it together. Instead I was alone. I kept remembering how much fun we had last year with her family... . it wasn't easy. I'm sure my ex has a gd now also. sorry for your pain.

My ex and I have broken up many times in the two years we've been together off and on. The last time we broke up I blocked her number and thought I was done. It was so painful, I missed her every second. I couldn't sleep. Two months later she writes me an e mail around christmas saying she wants to see me. We met up, she cried, apologized saying she was so sorry for not communicating with me, for being so distant. That she would change and try harder in therapy. She said everything I wanted to hear.

We got back together. It took about a month for her to start being distant, not communicating, hardly any intimacy at all. she was probably cheating looking back, but I'll never know the truth with her always lying. All the promises she made me in that recycle (which I didn't know what that was when we got back together) fell apart as soon as she got me back. It's like they want what they can't have. That whoever they can't have must hold the key to them feeling less empty.

It's not the case. None of the fake intimacy she gave me for that month was worth going through it again. Luckily it didn't sting as bad as the first time since I expected it. This will probably put a damper on any healthy relationship in the future, expecting let downs and failure.

Be careful if she does come back. The ego boost is not worth the pain if you actually go back.

[Sparky2Blame?]

***

Our last exchange was that this was my fault and she would never be intimate with me again, never speak to me.  If I contact her she will get a restraining order. 

***

I was told something similar last December.  My X owed me close to $1000 in personal loans, and was $500 behind on her share of a phone contract that we signed together (under my name).  I gave her notice 1 month before it expired that she had two options.  Pay off the phone bill and I would forgive the debt so we had no more ties.  Or don't pay the phone bill and I would see her in small claims in Jan. for the phone and the loans.  Needless to say, at midnight on the deadline, she made the phone payment. Then proceeded to change all my account information so I couldnt access it.  The next morning, when I realized, I took a trip to the phone shop, get control of the account back, and changed all the passwords.


A few hours later, I got an E-mail stating something along the lines of ... . as you noticed, there were some changes to your account.  The phone bill is paid.  I expect the debt to be forgiven.  There is absolotely no reason for us to ever talk again.  Do not contact me, and in fact, if you ever see me out, do not say hi.  Do not talk to my family.  And do not talk to my friends.  If you do, I will file harassment charges.


I never responded.  Nor did I ever try and contact her again.  Then in April she showed up... . like nothing ever happened.  Wanting to reconcile and flowering me with affection.  I took the bait.

Point being, that they were most likely words said in the heat of them moment, and an effort to get under your skin.  And when down, needing something, and nowhere else to turn... . you just might be convenient again.  Just be careful what you wish for.  There was no happy ending to my story.

Figured I'ld share, since it relates.

Sparky