UFN - thank you for your response - I had to really put lots of thought into what you wrote and spend some time absorbing my mistakes. So... . long response... .
The fact that you "lost it" indicates you are beyond frustrated.
It also says that you aren't taking care of your needs.
You made "choices" today that contributed to this
~ you didn't take a time out
~ you didn't focus on your needs
~ you reacted instead of responded
~ you became physical with him (setting a precedent that throwing things at someone is acceptable)
The tipping point was due to your putting aside your own needs. If things are gonna change then you have to stop putting your needs last.
How are you going to handle the remainder of today?
Frustrated – yes!
Taking care of my needs - ? I thought I was but I missed my Alanon meeting this week due to taking Monday off to take kiddos to coast for a day of fun in the sun at the beach (w/o H as he hates the beach) – had a blast and would have loved to stay longer.
I also took the kiddos and met friends in the park (H hates the park because of "all those people" for swimming, burgers and dogs and fireworks on the 4th because H had overcommitted us and had a melt-down and chose to stay home and pout because I wouldn’t “choose” who to spend the day with since I didn’t know who he had told what to (therefore he can blame me for not being at 5 different locations at the same time). Again had such a nice time.
Choices:
Didn’t take a time out – tired of “running away” when H gets out of control and wants to dump his crap on me – yes, it is a boundary I normally use – “I will leave if you become verbally or physically abusive” (I had to put DV tools in place a long time ago). We were also hosting 25 people for a get together later in the day, so I had things I needed to get done. I really didn’t have time for his stuff. He is also out of control and angry so much more frequently now – I don’t have time to wait it all out. I did try to be out of the room where he was - I moved to the kitchen – he came in; I moved to the back bathroom – he followed me. When he is like that he uses lots of personal space invasion / physical intimidation – he will stand in doorways so I have to squeeze past him and then accuse me of pushing him, etc. I just took deep breaths and squeezed past anyway.
You didn’t focus on your needs – I was focused on my need to get things done and ready for our get together – not focused on his need (or him, in general) to pick a fight because he had overcommitted himself on the 4th and needed to “release” his frustration (since I didn’t end up staying home and rolling around with him in the mud of his personal pity party).
You reacted instead of responded – I did respond to his “fight starter” comment: “do you think we could put this stuff away?” - almost JADE’d with “well, it is usually put away. It got left out because … ” but instead took a deep breath and said “yes, I will put it away.”
I know – sounds like a simple question and answer, but it escalated from there. How do you respond to “I really hate you” (me: “yes, I know you do”) “I wish I could just leave” (me: “if you want to leave, you are free to leave”) “If I wouldn’t lose everything, I would be out of this marriage so fast.” (me: “you won’t lose everything – a judge wouldn’t allow that to happen.”) “Why don’t you just leave?” (me: “this is my home, too. I have just as much right to be here as you.”) “This is not your home – you haven’t done anything to deserve it. You are worthless…you got fired from all your jobs…you don’t work now…you just get paid for doing nothing…” and on and on… for about an hour (while I was trying to clean and ignore him – not successfully. I was just jading and reacting away) then:
You became physical with him – I have no excuse for this and I did apologize both to him (he did not accept) and our kids (kids said “wow, mom – we thought you were a passive-ist!). Maybe I need to take up boxing as a way to release pent-up resentment and anger. Running is great for endorphins and a meditative frame of mind, but maybe not quite enough for physical release!
How are you going to handle the remainder of today? I briefly left the house and went to the office to take care of a quick work issue then returned home and finished cleaning the house, made hamburger patties, cut up lettuce, tomatoes, onions, set out the condiments and plates, welcomed our guests, visited with them, said farewell and good luck to our military friend who will be stationed out of state for a year, tucked the kids in bed and went to bed on the couch. I was polite and civil to H, but didn’t seek his company or any explanation as to his behavior.
Did I do it all wrong? – most likely. Like I said in my original post, I think July must be a time for an "annual rage" because I had seen the signs coming for at least a week and this will be the third July in a row (that I recall) that this has happened. I have learned lots both here, in Alanon and through self-help books, but sometimes the craziness wins. Score 1 for crazy this time… Hopefully, next time I will get it right.
