Ruminating - I can't stop thinking about what she is doing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Oh lord yes willtimeheal the shot would be so good eh.

I spent the last 6 weeks longing for that, almost praying for it!

I would have given everything to burn every neuron out of my brain that held images of him. I wanted it never to have happened.

I think however that this would not help us to grow and change from this.  Much as the process is horrible it is obviously necessary. We have to  look at why we kept taking the cr*p. Why we kept going back. Why we might still feel like going back (if you still do- ex would not take me back, but I wouldn't go now anyway. I realised from this nuclear hell he put me through, that he's truly toxic to me).

[delusionalxox]

Oh lord yes willtimeheal the shot would be so good eh.

I spent the last 6 weeks longing for that, almost praying for it!

I would have given everything to burn every neuron out of my brain that held images of him. I wanted it never to have happened.

I think however that this would not help us to grow and change from this.  Much as the process is horrible it is obviously necessary. We have to  look at why we kept taking the cr*p. Why we kept going back. Why we might still feel like going back (if you still do- ex would not take me back, but I wouldn't go now anyway. I realised from this nuclear hell he put me through, that he's truly toxic to me).

[willtimeheal]

Delusionalxox,

I guess I am having a hard time understanding why.  Why am I going through this?  Why was I chosen to hurt like this?  What lesson do I need to learn or growth do I need to make that warrants this much pain?  I want the mind erasing shot. I don't want to look at this relationship or think about this relationship anymore. I want it out of my head. Just give me my lesson and let me move on cuz no lesson is worth this amount of pain and hurting. Anyone who has gone through this has earned their wings and deserves an express pass to heaven. They have paid their dues and been in hell. I don't know why I put up with the crap. I was hopeful it would change and things would get better. I didn't want to be another person that walked out on her. I didn't want to be like everyone else in her life. So I stayed and i took the abuse and crap. I wanted her to see  That I was different and I was always going to be there there and if she just saw that then things would get better. But she just pushed me out. I was an idiot. I believed if I tried  hard enough everything would be ok. Well it's not. I am her all alone and heart broken and she is with someone else. This lesson sucks to say the least.

[Clearmind]

Hmmm, fast tracking your healing willtimeheal will not stop you feeling these vulnerable emotions. Fast tracking and wanting to 'get it' now its not an option. It takes time.

For some reason you don't like feeling vulnerable! Where does that come from?

We all learn our relationship skills from our primary care givers willtimeheal. Maybe start there.

[delusionalxox]

The lesson sucks indeed. Mine has nearly broken me physically, I nearly took my own life.

I realised this isn't just because of  him but because- as Clearmind says- of stuff I was carrying already.

I totally relate to what you say about wanting her to realise you would always be there, wanting to stick it out. I guess we have to look at why we chose people who were going to do this to us. Because sticking it out with someone who just wants a perfect 'mirror'- in effect, not a real person- is not going to work for any real person.

We've got to be people for ourselves. Sometimes I just want to give up and not bother hence my suicidal feelings. I wanted it all to work out in some big self- sacrifice narrative which was actually quite narcissistic (oh look at us and what we have suffered and put up with etc). But he didn't see it that way. Once I had stopped providing the right reflections/supply and he found other sources I was nothing.

[willtimeheal]

I am not afriad of my vulnerable emotions.  I feel them and they hurt.  I am looking into my past and dealing with what ever issues there are.  What hurts me is all the promises that were made.  How I was told I was the one and we were going to be together and have this beautiful life.  And guess what... . I was replaced within two weeks.  And the bit*h can't even let me go.  She has to contact me and say just enough to get my hopes up.  It is cruel and mean.  I was a happy and out going person before all of this.  I know my lesson-trust your gut.  I knew in my gut when I first met her that I should stay away-that she was trouble.  I should have listened to my internal self.  I knew better but I got involved anyways.  What I want from her is a straight answer.  All she says is I am not happy with him and I am avoiding him, I want you but I don't want to choose.  Make a f'in choice.  I will not contact her and I will not run after her but wondering what she is doing and if she is with him is killing me.  It is not right that we are left to suffer like this.

[scoobydee]

Ugh, when you said "I guess I am having a hard time understanding why.  Why am I going through this?  Why was I chosen to hurt like this?  What lesson do I need to learn or growth do I need to make that warrants this much pain?" --- I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.  I kept asking over and over, I was always a good kid, why did I deserve something so bad to happen to me?   

My advice is do WHATEVER THE HELL will help you get through, because these feelings are complete torture - even if its self-detrimental like eating a tub of ice cream or, I probably shouldn't say this, but sometimes substances might be the only thing.  Just drill into your brain that you are using these aforementioned substances in order to get PAST her (and don't get hooked on them, of course). 

Because of my ordeal (at least mine had the courtesy of cutting ME off completely), I seriously see why there are so many alcoholics out there in the world - alcohol numbs your emotions!  It's like a wonder drug (I'm being sarcastic but also serious!).   Four years on and I'm still in therapy, although I'm doing a lot better now - I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted to hurry up and die already to escape the pain.

[Clearmind]

What hurts me is all the promises that were made.  How I was told I was the one and we were going to be together and have this beautiful life.

I was promised a beautiful life – marriage, kids, house, love for ever after – however – what I didn’t look out for were all the things that completely contradicted the dream. The put downs, the rages, the blame, the accusations, the incessant silent treatment…

And guess what... . I was replaced within two weeks.  And the bit*h can't even let me go.  She has to contact me and say just enough to get my hopes up.  It is cruel and mean.  

Anger is natural.

I was a happy and out going person before all of this.  

And you will be again.I faked it til I made it for a good few months. Forced myself out of the house and off the couch.

What I want from her is a straight answer.  

Yep but aint going to happen.

All she says is I am not happy with him and I am avoiding him, I want you but I don't want to choose.  Make a f'in choice.

 

... . It is not right that we are left to suffer like this.

My friend, bit of tough love – you choose! You know the deal, you lived it, you suffered in the relationship – you choose! Take back some personal power because you are giving her a heap of credit here.

[Skip]

Rumination is pretty consuming.

When rumination becomes difficult to control, it can lead to negative psychological effects including depression and phobias. Experts say the inability to stop ruminating on a particular thought can be a hallmark of obsession, or anxiety, or depression.

There are a number of ways to deal with ruminations.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one talk therapy approach that has been show to be effective in the treatment of depressive rumination.

One psychologist (Joe Carver, PhD) suggests a simple model that we can us to "train" the brain to better deal with ruminations.  It helped me greatly.

Techniques for File Control

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

1. Practice paying attention to how your file system works. If you find yourself in a bad mood, or even happy mood, use the approach, "What file is out?" You will then find the file, what feeling is contained in the file, and will then be able to have some control over the file.

2. If a bad file starts to come out, do something physical before the two-minute emotional release surfaces. If someone mentions a name or you have an event that brings up a bad file, for example, immediately pinch your ear, touch your watch, or do something physical that lets you know a file is out. You may then change files mentally or even verbally. When talking with others, we can verbally change files by stating, "That's kind of a sensitive topic for me, I'd rather not discuss that." The physical action helps remind us that we have control over these files.

3. Take a bad file and put a funny name on it - the funnier the better. If we have people we dislike or even hate, a funny name is helpful in controlling the emotional content of that file. Common names that might be used are "Bozo," "Beanie Weenie," "Air Head," etc. It is also effective to combine both the funny name and physical action.

For example, if we call a gossip-oriented relative "Sinus Drip", we can combine the pulling of the file with the name and the physical action of blowing our nose. Again, as the brain will only allow one feeling at a time, the humor and physical action usually is enough to kill the file.

4. Many times we go through a series of horrible experiences, often... . more here

[willtimeheal]

Hey skip

Thanks for the suggestion.  I have tried the file technique and it helps. I have noticed that if I keep busy and stay involved in things I can "forget" for a little while.

Clearmind... .

I hear you on tough love. You are right. It is my choice. At times I feel I have made it and am moving forward but then I find myself sliding. I do think this is normal. At least I hope it is.

My ex BPD contacted me six days ago and said she wanted me. What should she do. I said tell the dude the truth about how you feel. She said I haunt her and I own her. And she has made a mistake by staying away.  She wants to see smell touch me. That was six days ago. I saw her and her new man together three days ago and my heart sank. Also I haven't heard from her since. I know she is struggling but I realized in that moment if she really wanted me and the life with me she would have told him. She has had plenty of time. I know she feels guilty cuz he moved  here for her but everyday she waits it will be harder to do. And everyday she waits to tell him I realize it will never happen. So I have made a.choice and it is to let go. It is beyond hard and I am going to slide.  I just want my life back.

[bb12]

I've had real trouble understanding my own filing system! LOL

No idea how my mind works. But apart from this experience (BPD abuse) I kind of like it. A million different thoughts race across my mind each day. I am very creative: paint, write. And when I am working on a project, I welcome the many competitng thoughts and ideas.

In relation to exBPD, the only thing that helped me stop ruminating was time. Sad, but true. Physiologically, we get hooked. Peptides rush the body (brain chemicals that we associate with good or bad emotions) and we are quite literally addicted. As the Lonely Child / Non, we are stuck in understanding mode as we try to crack the BPD riddle, and these peptides get released each time we think about the riddle. Or conversely, they are released automatically and they make us remember and ruminate on the riddle. It works both ways. Mind leading body. Body leading mind. And we can get stuck for an awfully long time.

I only noticed a reduction in obsession at about the 6 - 12 month mark. Ruminations became observations and were not as tainted with the physical pull or obsession.

The thing that helped me most, was knowing I would never crack the riddle and consciously try to work on the only thing I can control: me!

bb12

[Suzn]

I know she feels guilty cuz he moved  here for her but everyday she waits it will be harder to do.

How do you know this is how she feels? Would this possibly be, instead, how you would feel? Be cautious of assuming she feels just like you would in her situation. This has been a hook for me, maybe THE hook for me, in most of my relationships. Assuming they feel badly or hurt or sad and I swoop in and carry them away to this life they never had.

This was a hard realization for me WillTimeHeal, with my ex, they all left (her story) because she found someone else to replace them (my realization).   

I just want my life back.

Title of my first post, "Wanting to get on with my life"

[willtimeheal]

Suzn,

I do think on some level she feels guilty because he move  his whole life for her.  She actually told me this. She said that she can't hurt him. That if she tells him the truth his mother will kill her and she will have ruined  his life. That she will just have  to try and learn to love  him and deal with the consequences. Is this just a way to keep me hooked? Another manipulation?  I do realize that she isn't going to tell him... . and who knows if she loves him or me. I can't trust anything she says. It is time I come to terms with it accept it and move on with my life.

[Suzn]

What stands out here is you are thinking she feels guilty, then she contacts you and says she doesn't want to be with anyone, just her kids. Then she throws in she misses you. She also throws in "our" son.

I would remind myself of how we all got here. A healthy person doesn't pick up and move to be with someone unless... .

I would ask myself am I missing her or missing who I wished she was?

It takes time to process, this hurting is hard however it is also a gift, though I'm sure right now it doesn't feel like it. It is moving you to explore you.