How to stop being Gullible, in denial and covered in fleas

[Depression = 72% of members]

First, I am so tired. Spinning in endless circles of distress inside my head, leaking out all over those in my life that try to listen to me. My T, my dh, my BPDDD27's crisis staff... .   I find that I have allowed her craziness to seep deeply into my soul. Has taken away my abilities to respond, leaving me with impulsive reactions.

Two things yesterday have shaken me up and shined some light.

In the morning had phone consult with gd8's T - my concerns and hers about this focus on DD preventing my best care for gd (dh and I have legal custody). This is a cycle - when DD is more needy then I shift to her and shift away from gd. Then gd's behaviors become more defiant - I get more frustrated in coping with this - I am even less available emotionally for gd. I am in this 10k word place where talk non-stop and others actually interupt me to say - stop and let me respond. The T did this after 20 minutes - 'you have been talking only about DD, what about gd? my place is to work in her best interests".  This shook me up and shifted my thinking.

In the afternoon went with DD to hearing for exbf "G". DD wanted judge to lift no contact order so she could at least write him in jail. He is there on probation revokation on menacing/domestic violence conviction for fight with dd a year ago. Heard "G" being very honest with judge about his meth addiction, and that the fight was about him using all the meth and DD wanting some - not about the story that they originally gave of DD provking him. Now that may have been a part of it. And then DD spoke - and admitted that they were both high and messed up and they both had few sober/clean friends to help them stay straight - DD on probation/bond for other things.  I could no longer maintain my denial of her use of meth being at the core of so many of her episodes of raging against me and our family.

I just want so badly to believe that DD is 'just' mentally ill. If only she would get mental health treatment things would be 'OK'. I realize the mental health team gets her addiction better than I do. And that DD has to acknowledge that this is a problem for her before effective treatment can happen.

And even though she seems to be sharing her substance use with me - when I try to repsond in a validating way she accuses me of passing judgement. Then goes to hang out with her friends - is gone 1-2 days. So I have to accept that she is most likely using, most likely meth. She denies this if I confront her about it. Well of course.

So how do I keep my mind clear? How do I hold onto these truths revealed to me yesterday? They have been in my face so many times before, and I always shove my head deep into the sand. I cannot continue to do this and be a good parent for gd. I cannot continue to do this and have any peace, on-going peace, in my life.

How do I stick to my boundaries about DD being in our home? How do dh and I express to her that she needs to accept the treatment options and fully participate, with verification, to continue to be in our house? Clearly. Without pushing her away from the acceptance she appears to be moving toward.

How do I DO what I already know I need to do? I have the knowledge, I have the skills in my head. How do I practice them consistently?

To be continued - what has helped me at least for today.

qcr

[qcarolr]

First, I am so tired. Spinning in endless circles of distress inside my head, leaking out all over those in my life that try to listen to me. My T, my dh, my BPDDD27's crisis staff... .   I find that I have allowed her craziness to seep deeply into my soul. Has taken away my abilities to respond, leaving me with impulsive reactions.

Two things yesterday have shaken me up and shined some light.

In the morning had phone consult with gd8's T - my concerns and hers about this focus on DD preventing my best care for gd (dh and I have legal custody). This is a cycle - when DD is more needy then I shift to her and shift away from gd. Then gd's behaviors become more defiant - I get more frustrated in coping with this - I am even less available emotionally for gd. I am in this 10k word place where talk non-stop and others actually interupt me to say - stop and let me respond. The T did this after 20 minutes - 'you have been talking only about DD, what about gd? my place is to work in her best interests".  This shook me up and shifted my thinking.

In the afternoon went with DD to hearing for exbf "G". DD wanted judge to lift no contact order so she could at least write him in jail. He is there on probation revokation on menacing/domestic violence conviction for fight with dd a year ago. Heard "G" being very honest with judge about his meth addiction, and that the fight was about him using all the meth and DD wanting some - not about the story that they originally gave of DD provking him. Now that may have been a part of it. And then DD spoke - and admitted that they were both high and messed up and they both had few sober/clean friends to help them stay straight - DD on probation/bond for other things.  I could no longer maintain my denial of her use of meth being at the core of so many of her episodes of raging against me and our family.

I just want so badly to believe that DD is 'just' mentally ill. If only she would get mental health treatment things would be 'OK'. I realize the mental health team gets her addiction better than I do. And that DD has to acknowledge that this is a problem for her before effective treatment can happen.

And even though she seems to be sharing her substance use with me - when I try to repsond in a validating way she accuses me of passing judgement. Then goes to hang out with her friends - is gone 1-2 days. So I have to accept that she is most likely using, most likely meth. She denies this if I confront her about it. Well of course.

So how do I keep my mind clear? How do I hold onto these truths revealed to me yesterday? They have been in my face so many times before, and I always shove my head deep into the sand. I cannot continue to do this and be a good parent for gd. I cannot continue to do this and have any peace, on-going peace, in my life.

How do I stick to my boundaries about DD being in our home? How do dh and I express to her that she needs to accept the treatment options and fully participate, with verification, to continue to be in our house? Clearly. Without pushing her away from the acceptance she appears to be moving toward.

How do I DO what I already know I need to do? I have the knowledge, I have the skills in my head. How do I practice them consistently?

To be continued - what has helped me at least for today.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Continued - what I am doing for myself today. I am doing some self-care. I am breathing, praying, searching for the strength in my faith. And coming here to ask for your support. I tend to avoid this board. HMMMMM? I realize there are many faiths with members here. Please be accepting of the strength my faith gives me if you share what gives you strength. I cannot do this alone - I am only human.

Reading the Bible, the Message translation, hits home with me often. So I am reading this today, meditating on this today, pulling out parts to remind myself of hope today. I really need to share this somewhere today. How do I live this today? That is where I struggle so often - doing more than reading the words. How can this help me stick to my values and boundaries?

Collossions 1:9-14 excerpts: ... . asking God to give me wise mind and spirit attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understandig of the ways in which God works... . pray that I'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul--not the grim strength of gritting my teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy thanking the Father who makes us strong enough... . God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons... .

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22 excerpts: Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens... . Don't suppress the Spirit, and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. On the other hand, don't be gullible. Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil.

So, to keep myself on track I have to verify what I hear from DD, and then believe the truths that others give to me. Then put the boundaries in place with her - tell her what they are and what happens when they are crossed -- the DO IT.

Thanks for listening to all this. I look forward to hearing what works for you when it feels so impossible to do what needs to be done.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

My prayer in times of strife, uncertainty and fear:

"Thank you Father God for how you are working this out in my favor.  Help me Father God to learn what you want me to learn from this. Thank you Father God for loving me enough to discipline me and others.  Help me Father God to be an instrument of your will. Thank you Father God for holding me in the palm of your hand.  Thank you Father God for never leaving me nor forsaking me.  Thank you Father God for your promises, I claim them as my own."

[Cumulus]

My faith in God has been my strength as well. Some days that faith is so elusive though and I feel so alone. For me the one thing that has helped above all others is contemplative prayer. It moves me past the thinking, past the emotions and feelings and into that part of our self I believe is our soul. Who we truly are. And it allows me to connect with God in a way that moves beyond my human self.

Peace to you, cumulus.

[Suzn]

qcarol I'm sorry things are so stressful! I have to ask, when was the last time you had a break? I mean a real break, gd with someone trusted for a few days so you can get away? Even if it's a fishing trip with no fishing sleeping in a tent? Quiet time, darkness with stars above?

I will share what I told my mother who has been enmeshed over the years with my brother prior to him getting sober. While she was so stressed about him she still kept doing things for him. Money, place to live, cell phone... . you get the idea. I quit helping him years ago financially. I learned this quite a while back and shared it with her... . "you aren't doing him ANY favors"... . I asked her what will happen if something happens to you and he has relied on you for years? My guess he would be fairly devastated. He knows he needs a job and a place to live to survive as an adult. Why would he do this on his own if he didn't have to? 

So, qcarol, be strong for her. She will not have to do what she needs to do if you do it for her. You are doing her no favors by allowing your boundaries to slide. 

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

[Blazing Star]

    

It sounds really tough right now for you qcarol.

Reading your words I wonder if the first place to start is with acceptance, that it is okay, you are okay. It is beautiful that you are searching for answers, and I want to tell you to slow down for a moment. Slow down and breathe in acceptance and calm. Perhaps visualize an Angel behind you, wrapping its arms around you, holding you, accepting you and loving you exactly as you are right now.

This is what helps me when I am feeling in that place where even self care seems a challenge.

Perhaps it might also help to visualize an Angel with your DD as well, to know that she is being looked after, allowing you to detach a little and focus on firstly yourself and then GD.

Let us know how you get on.

Love Blazing Star

[qcarolr]

lbj - i printed out this prayer small enough to fit in my pocket. I am never forsaken and God's promises are real.

cumulus - i do feel alone until I am reminded that God is ALWAYS HERE LOVING ME, no matter how lost i feel.

suzn - i read the link, and replied about supporting vs. enabling. allowed me to breath to my belly again. see that i am doing so many things that are supportive and that DD is taking them in and thanking me for them.

star -  radical acceptance. yes, this is back where i need to be in finding that wise mind place again. practicing this is never done - forget that when lose myself. DD's distress belongs to her and comes from the many choices she has made over the past 10 years in particular. She is under a lot of stress, tough path -- accept she needs treatment for substance use and mental health issues or continue on her self-destructive path.

Though I can feel sorrow when she is on that destructive path, I cannot stop her. Only love her, remind her of the resources there for her to choose, then step out of her way. She calls this being abandoned - and that is a trigger for the rescuer in me. So need to create a little card for my pocket listing all the ways I am able to be supportive. I am always loving her and sticking to my reasonable boudnaries is not abandonment. I need to find words to label this another way for myself. What would be a good single word to substitute for abandonment?

God's promises are there for DD, just as they are here for each of us. My task is to live in the integrity of my faith, accept this will trigger anger from DD, and know that God gives me the "strength to endure the unendurable and spill over into joy".

Dh has been here in ways that are new - with his own boundaries with me. He asked me the other night how I felt about him changing the subject several times when I was going on and on in my panic attack (a new awareness for me, and not a good one -- so hard to breath). In the past I have gotten very angry with this distraction, like he is not listening, feeling very invalidated. After he spoke of this to me, I am better able to accept this as his self-care strategy and not take it personal. To use it as a cue to me to take a pause.

GD is very angry with me because I have been emotionally unavailable for her. She and dh are supporting each other as I wade out of this pit. He keeps it full of playfulness and curiosity for her. Forgiveness will come for each of us. Gd has a "Storybook Bible" that has cd's for reading the stories. It is such a book of hope for our rescue, predicted from before creation. She has been listening to several stories each night before bed, even if I am not there with her. She has listened to the entire bible story now a couple times over past few weeks. She is doing this entirely of her own initiative. She is reading along in the book - keeping her place. She is finding her favorites to replay over and over. I am in awe of her connection to God. And she asks hard questions. She has watched "Prince of Egypt" several times - this may have led to reading her bible. Her questions: how do we beleive in the miracles? why did the Egyptians have so many gods when there is only ONE GOD? Is God really here or where is He?

Gd is my angel.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Jeremiah brings the God of Angel Armies into my life. And Chris Tomlin sings it for me every day when I am driving in my car. It fits with the support you all are bringing me today.

www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christomlin/whomshallifeargodofangelarmies.html

Thanks - qcr

[qcarolr]

Apologies up front if some of this sounds like a science lecture - I have read so many books over the past year - part of my shut down in March this year was TMI. Pieces are starting to sift into place as I am working through myself here. It helps to write it down where it fits in.

I am slowing myself down - when my breathing gets fast, I am noticing and taking a pause. Even if I need to pull over to the curb and stop for a few minutes. Had good phone consult with gd's T on Tuesday morning - she stopped me after 20 minutes of non-stop talk. Met with my T today - she also stopped me several times in my non-stop talk. Need to move slower, think slower, talk slower - get some rest for body, mind, spirit.

I am working on my distorted thinking. Yesterday was looking back in my journal for past 6 months and found copies from the threads "Twisted Thinking" and "Ways to Untwist Thinking" by David Burns. I had printed these out back in March 2013, three days after I asked DD to move out of my house. Dh did not support this at that time, even though I felt so threatened that I spent 2 days away from home until he got home from work. One day met gd's bus and took her to the public library for the afternoon. Finally the 1st of May I dropped DD at a motel for the last blizzard of the year. Now she is home again for last 3 weeks, but she seems to be accepting the boundaries that pushed her over the edge starting in Feb. 2013. Enough back story.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0  Twisted Thinking article

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0  Untwist Your Thinking

So I figured out what my primary Distorted Thinking patterns are:

- Should Statements: for me these lead to internalizing and getting angry, anxious, frustrated

- Personalize & Blame: for me these lead to internalizing and guilt, shame, feeling inadequate/incompentent

Sometimes my internalized emotions leak out in the form of hypomanic behaviors (shoulds) of endless talking, movement, obsessive worries, crying, general loudness. When confronted by others about these behaviors, I plumment into the depression (personalize & blame) of fatigue, physical pain, insomnia, extreme irritability and hopelessness... . Then to manage this I shift back to the angry higher level again. It is a vicious cycle hard to break out of on my own. This is also a sign that my bipolar II (rapid cycling form) has been unstable, and my only access to meds was with a temporary PA at my HMO that would not adjust my meds. Her response the two times I spoke with her - in March and in May - was to 'just get my home life under control'. Well then, maybe I needed to work my way through this as I am doing. So maybe she was right - I just wanted a quicker fix. Hmmmmm?

I have been reaching out to my support team this week - prayer and taking quiet time daily, here at bpdfamily.com with this thread, gd's T, my T, dh... .

A big breakthrough for me this week is realizing and accepting the distortions relate to ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS - not just to DD's issues. Maybe the intensity of her 3 month long extinction burst when I stuck to the 'no overnight guests' & 'no pot on property' rules was the trigger that pushed me beyond my tolerance. Or I just used up everything that I had - nothing left to give. Cut off from the things that fill me up by the 'should/blame' cycle I was stuck in. I have been dysfunctional at work and at home, and avoiding contact with others at church and in the neighborhood. Not going on walks with gd or dogs (water in the farmers ditches behind our house - just did not want to cope with all the wet and mud and walking the long way around the ditches amongst all the other walkers and dogs... . )

So how can I untwist this thinking? (I am still working on writing out some individual events to put through this twist/untwist grinder).

Well, Dr. Burns article gives me some good clues. The ones that apply to me most:

- Evidence: look at the facts of the situation. Do they support the distortion?

- Shades of Grey: the Scale of Success from 0-100. Or a concept from a women's depression group I was in back in the 90's called "Units of Concern" using a scale of 0 - 10. 0=NPM (not my problem) up to 10=TPM (totally my problem)

- Semantic Method: substitute less emotionally laden words; use theory of 'Prosody" to speak outloud like a meadowlark singing [I could write a whole thread on Prosody - you can look it up on wikipedia. got word from reading about attachement therapy and nueroscience of child development in "Brain Based Parenting"] Being consicous of varying the pitch and tone of my voice - to be a songbird - really works wonders with gd

- Re-attribution: think of ALL factors pushing me into the personalize/blame depression. Using energy to do problem solving instead of using energy up blaming myself and feeling guilty.


I am taking DD out of the center of MY LIFE. She is the center of her life, and needs lots of support -- this is there for her at the mental health center and with her probation options, if she chooses them. She is taking her meds. and is in a more stable place for now. DD's daily best is better right now. I am working to stop assuming the worst.

I am putting myself in the center of MY LIFE with my faith permeating my every cell. Next to me is my dh and the awesome love he has for me, and so much tender care. He deserves for me to able to love him back with equal care. Then my gd - she deserves my very best loving and discipline. Then there is space in the family for DD when she is able to participate. Then surrounding this heart of my family are all the other people connections - work, church, neighbors, and little tiny doses of the rest of the world (too much chaos there).

Seems like some of those  are running for cover somewhere else. So what do you all think?

qcr

[Suzn]

I am taking DD out of the center of MY LIFE. She is the center of her life, and needs lots of support -- this is there for her at the mental health center and with her probation options, if she chooses them. She is taking her meds. and is in a more stable place for now. DD's daily best is better right now. I am working to stop assuming the worst.

I am putting myself in the center of MY LIFE with my faith permeating my every cell. Next to me is my dh and the awesome love he has for me, and so much tender care. He deserves for me to able to love him back with equal care. Then my gd - she deserves my very best loving and discipline. Then there is space in the family for DD when she is able to participate. Then surrounding this heart of my family are all the other people connections - work, church, neighbors, and little tiny doses of the rest of the world (too much chaos there).

Wow. qcarol this is fantastic. Introspection is a beautiful thing. Working on you can fill up most of your time so that your focus isn't on all that could go wrong in this world and with other people. It builds on all the positive results that come in time, it's a huge confidence builder. The more confidence you achieve the more able you are to deal with anxieties of the world outside. I get that part, sometimes all that stuff in the rest of the world is too big and it's easier to work within our smaller worlds. Especially when we are trying to focus.

Breathing exercises are a great idea, they do help with mindfulness. It's really awesome you have found working with the suggestions in these articles helpful. They were helpful for me as well.