Saw her and I felt really bad

[tomjon78]

Yesterday I was walking downtown and I saw her stepping into a shop. She didn´t see me but my heart started pounding, I went home, stayed in bed for two hours and just started crying.

I feel like i´m fooling myself. I had actually started feeling a little bit better the last weeks of NC but just seeing her made me feel anxious and I slept really bad having terrible nightmares.

I feel like such a looser for being not stronger than this. I miss her!

Is this really normal?

[Reg]

tomjon78,

Yes it is, you have seen her as a person that was important to you, perhaps the most important person in your life.  You have had big feelings for her, still may have, and this needs time to heal, like all wounds, they will turn one day into scars.  Probably you will also feel guilt, but you shouldn't, it took me some time to understand that as well.

What has helped me in a enormous way is to write down my own story, but most of all to understand for a part how the borderline mind works.  You were in love with a person, she was in love with an object, it may sound very confronting, and it actually is.  It was also for me.

I can give you only one good advice, read the part on the lessons on the right of this page, and read them well, it will explain a lot to you, and it will also make you realise, that it wasn't you, it wasn't even her, it is the borderline with all of it's consequences.

I'm not completely healed, but understanding what it is, has helped me to make some very big steps which I would have never made if I had been left in the dark on what she actually has, and I have some friends to thank for that.

What I now experience is the need to go on with my life, with my friends, and to give new people a chance in my life if they come into it. 

As some of the ambassadors say it in such a great way, and other here on this site, first of all take care of yourself.  Get out of your house, do things you like to do, see friends, talk about what happened to you.  Make that you understand that it is not your problem, it is the problem coming from a disorder, that you can not change, that I could not change, you are not the one to blame.

I will say what others have said to me, we are here for one another !

Make it a better day !

Reg

[stop2think]

I am sorry you are having a rough time tomjon

I can understand the anxiety when we see them irrespective of whether it was expected or otherwise. As we love(d) them, and the r/s was intense and that bonded deeply with them. No matter how badly they treated us towards the end - the good times and the feeling is hard to forget.

I have not seen my exbf for over 5 months, fortunately or unfortunately - but i certainly feel what you have been feeling.

This will pass too... . hold yourself together!

[Sparky2Blame?]

I think it’s normal. It has subsided (for me at least) with some time and conditioning/exposure.

I had seen my ex for the 1st time since the split a little while back.  She was at a stop-n-go light, on her cycle, riding with a large group for some rally type of event. She didn’t notice me.  And I thought I was doing really well with things, until then.   It hurt, brought back confusion, and I started spinning various things in my head.  It lasted for a few hours until I preoccupied myself with some yard work.  But it did pass.

Then a few days later, I seen her a few blocks from her house, riding on the back of someone else’s rig.  A new interest, I’m sure.  She didn’t notice me, as I was on my way to a concert with a buddy (in his car).  For a few minutes my head spun, and I was tuning everything out.  But I didn’t get nearly “as” anxious, and it all passed in less time.

Then, I seen her riding with a group two days ago.  Think this time she saw me pulling out of the park.  But it never really got any anxiety me, head didn’t spin at all, and I pretty much went about my evening with no issues.

It gets easier.  Though for the time being, it’s always a good idea to avoid places where you’re chances of running into them are high.  At least until you are more at ease with things.

No reason to feel like a loser.  Its normal.  There are still feeling (good and bad) that are there. The strength you seek will come with time and healing.

[Suzn]

Tomjon going home after seeing an ex laying in bed and crying is a healthy coping technique! You are still sad, it's ok to cry, that is the only way to feel your emotions all the way through. When you have grieved this loss fully it won't be so difficult when you see her about town.

It would be fooling youself if you convinced yourself that you hadn't been feeling better. You are far from a loser.  There will be ups and downs, there are in life in general. This is normal. Feeling sad is certainly an emotion that doesn't feel good, not all emotions feel good. What is good is that you are experiencing emotion, expressing it and responding to that emotion appropriately. Kuddos to you!

This too shall pass.  

[Bananas]

Hi tomjon! 

I just wanted you to know that I am right there with you!  It has been almost 4 months for me now, and I feel like I am doing really well on the weekends with detachment then I go to work and run into my ex and BAM!  All those feelings come back.  I am not crying as much but I still feel a lot of anxiety.  So I think it is slowly getting better, it just takes time. 

 

[flynavy]

tomjon... . I posted this on a different thread but is appropriate here... . just wanted to let you know that I was where you are.  I postponed the detachment by routinely meeting her for our sexual intensity fix for 8 months after canceling the wedding... . even as she was back with her boyfriend... . which I knew!  Bad news is I was not getting better.  Had my temporary feeling of euphoria and killing the pain of loosing my wife to cancer but was not getting better... . in fact she was controlling me more! Anyway... . here is what I said on the other thread... .

It is 1 year since I called of the wedding... . feel pretty good about myself... . what I want... . where I'm going but today I actually thought about her.  The trigger was a black honda coup that pulled along side of me today with a cute blonde inside... . who I did a double take thinking it was her!  Well it wasn't... . but I will tell you this... . the only thoughts that ran through my mind were not of want and longing but of apathy.  6 months ago this trigger would have spurred on anxiety/apprehension... . what will I do if she looks at me... . will I wave... . pull over.  In fact I just kept driving and actually was hoping the woman inside the honda would look over cuz she was really attractive! To clearminds point... . you will get to a point where it just doesn't matter anymore... . trust me... . it is a good feeling... . she no longer has control of me and only you can take back control of your life and never ever let her have it again!  I know what got me into this toxic relationship and why I stayed as long as I did only after getting to know me again.  It did take awhile!  Ain't easy as many on this site can attest to but it is achievable!  Will my ex ever try and make contact with me... . guess what... . I just don't care!

It is amazing how time and introspective analysis can change the wiring of the brain... . whenever she pops into my head... . and yes she still does... . I am immediately wired to see teh proverbial "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"!

[tomjon78]

Thank you for your words and advice. I´m just how suprised how this get suddenly get worse after just seeing the person. I truly was feeling a little better, but I guess I have to look at my feelings and see where I am, and how "bruised" I am after this.

I think the most difficult part is the trauma after this. It´s really hard to get it from  your head. The good thing is that I was strong enough to get out. I feel lucky about that. Even so I sometimes wonder if I could have set her boundaries and kept on going. But it´s no point now. I´m moving on with my life and she with her´s

I sometimes wish I could just erase this period from my life. Because it was so exciting and nice and on the other hand so painful and damaging.

But I am a few steps back now, only to move forward.

[Clearmind]

Contact is not a bad thing. It shows us areas we need to work on. We should get to a stage where contact means absolutely nothing.

Your head and heart will synchronize - it takes time. And yes you got out - let the healing begin.

There is a lot to learn here tomjon - it will set on a good course for choosing a healthy relationship in the future - if you choose to dig deep and look at you.  

It will continue to hurt until such time as you hangs your perception of who she is and who she isn't and lay down some of the guilt, shame about not being able to make it work.

[Cooper10]

After our first break up, I used to be so bad that I would hear a song in a restaurant that was a trigger and have to leave.  The first time I saw my ex after the next recycle, I was hysterical for the rest of the day and much of the week--so much so, that I actually contemplated moving away from my job and friends and family to make it stop.  I felt like I was trapped and would always have these reactions and would never heal.

BUT it does get better.   The next time I saw him, I felt little to nothing.  He was even with a girl he had lied to me about when he was seeing her while we were dating.  Still, I wasn't hurt or even mad.  I just felt nothing.

Be proud of yourself for not contacting her when you felt like that!  And I echo the advice to go out and do things that you like.   You have a lot of mental and emotional energy to invest.   It was wasted on her.  Use it for something good and fulfilling and productive.