What was your borderline's "catch phrase"?

[ColoradoLady]

Idealization:

It's like we're clones

I can't bear to think of you with anyone else (a few weeks after first date)

You're everything I've prayed for in a wife

You're so normal

I always think of what YOU would do when I have to make a decision

I don't think you realize how much I think you're perfect and I have you on a pedestal

Devaluation: (all said while VERY angry)

You're not all in

We're going to have a "cordial" relationship

I have to be the captain of the ship

The man has the final say, it's Biblical

[Blessed0329]

"Oh, I would do ANYTHING for you!"

"I know you're planning to leave."

"I am what I am," said while chuckling, and with a twinkle in his eye. A friend of mine asked me, "what does THAT mean?"

[Clearmind]

I've deduced that starting back from HS, I've been involved with 3 (2 I believe for certain, 1 I am highly suspicious [HS GF]) borerlines... .

Each one of them had some constant refrain which they would repeat to me every now and again, which i now see as also a major "red flag" phrase.

Any ideas how you got to be involved with 3 Borderlines TF? Have you dug deep to analyze it?

Certainly have! I suspect mostly due to what happened to be a very chaotic family environment. My T is helping me dig through this. The first gf just kind of happened and i escaped it unhurt and unattached. second was also not a huge blow, ironically until long after we'd split, but still i maintained my balance. Third knocked me flat on my a$$.

None lasted more than 8 months. 2nd occurred waay after the first... .

Mix in that family mess with some very unfortunate situational circumstances and i can see how the latter two happened... .

Good for you and good to hear. Often when we haven't healed from our own wounds we tend to date those that are not right for us - and the dysfunction can get worse with each one.

Great to share some of those realizations you had in therapy TF. 22 posts til you can post on the Personal Inventory Board - 

[eniale]

Idealization Period:  "I want us to belong together for the rest of our lives!

                             "I am crazy about you!"

                             "We were meant for each other!"

Next Phase:            "I know you will leave me!  I know you will leave me!

                            ":)on't try to control me!"

Devaluation:           "You don't know how to communicate."

                            "You got water on my counter when you were doing

                            "We think differently!  (He got THAT one right!)

Getting ready to cheat:  "I don't want you finding another man.  I want you

                                    all to myself!"

                                   "When it comes to other women, you have nothing

                                     to worry about."

                                    "You are the only woman I want!"

Breakup (after he cheated)    "Things changed, I thought what we had was

                                           enough... . she bowled me over"

Right after breakup:           "I'm very confused, but sure of one thing, I

                                         don't want you out of my life.  Would you still

                                         come here for dinner & watch movies with me?"

                                         Could we be best friends?"  (!)

After 4 mos NC by me:         E-mail:  "Can we be friends?  I am in a serious

                                         relationship, that being said not a day goes by

                                         I don't think about you & I have great affection

                                         for you & know I greatly undervalued you."

                                         

So he is in a "serious relationship" and not a day goes by that he doesn't think about me?  And his new woman does not know he is emailing me?  Yep, he got it so right when he said "we think differently."

                                         

[papawapa]

another thing I remember was when things were good it was OUR house, OUR car, OUR money and when she was upset it became HER house, HER car, HER money

[Hurtbad]

What a great question:

Whenever I was busy or coming home late, she would switch into an almost little girl voice and say, "you are always busy, why are you so busy.  What you do is hurtful and makes me feel very sad."  This would happen almost anytime I was busy no matter how much we would be together. Another would be,: why don't you listen to me, you never listen to what I have to say."   This would occur whenever I did not audibly respond to a question fast enough.

Clearmind!

You insight underscores your experience.  Mine was the second borderline.  The first only lasted about 9 months.  I read the signs early, but it was how she made me feel that the did the trick.  She downright scared me and made it easy to lose my feelings.  NC was easy.  In my second case, we were together for three years , friends for seven.  I fell madly in love with her, hook, line sinker, reel and some of my arm.

I worked hard to make it work but always knew that the proof of the pudding would be when I traveled somewhere without her.  Without drawing out the story, it took about three short business trips for her to meet someone of facebook, breakup with me, and fly out three days later to sleep with him.

As for me, I was ripe for the problems.  I was abandoned as a child by my biological family and then "kidnapped: back when I was seven from my foster home.  While I dealt with it in therapy years ago, my breakup with this recent women, coupled with the classic trait of mine to want to feel special, exploded the abandonment issues from my childhood.  She crushed me.  On the positive side, my knowing the value of therapy and the skills learned there... . thus my decision to get help... . and this site, have helped me a great deal.

I went into this because you comment points out something we all need to look into.  Some of us are drawn to these kinds of people because of some aspect of ourselves.  As well, in that light, the nature of these relationships creates a deep bond which, when broken, is catastrophic. 

Anyway, I am grateful for this site and the insight people like you provide.

[Hurtbad]

Whoops.  I forgot an important point in regards to my BPDso's sayings:  I also heard them, almost verbatim, when she talked about her parents.  They were "always busy," and "never listened to her."  I suspect that I, and her other lovers, have and will spend aliftime paying for this.

[cska]

"You chose everything over me."/"I knew you would chose everything over me."

"God I hate you so much."

"You just don't get it."

"You're my everything."

:'(

[VeryFree]

While we see these as catch phrases they are in fact huge red flags that were ignored! Dig deep as to why you ignored the red flags!

You're totally right. It isn't only about us.

A few years ago we had a very rough period. During that period I mentioned a possible divorce. She reacted: if you are going to go for a divorce I will get really nasty.

Back than I didn't know about BPD, but she held her word (for once): allthough she was the one that initiated the divorce half year ago, she got REALLY NASTY. I never expected she could do this kind of things... . Another red flag I suppose.