Introduction Post

[SweetJane]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a young woman in my early 30's with a mother who has BPD. My mother has not been officially diagnosed, but my therapist and my sister's therapist (two different therapists) both believe my mother has BPD. I've read a couple of books, and articles online and I think they're right.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was a teenager. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. I never really knew why exactly. When my parents weren't fighting, there was always a lot of tension in our house. My mother always blamed my father, but as I got older I started to realize that she was a huge part of the problem.

She turned me and my two older sisters against our father. As we got older, she started to pit my sisters and I against one another. There was always a "good" daughter and a "bad" daughter. There was always at least one of us that she was on the outs with, and she would verbalize this to the daughter she was on good terms with.

My mother would tell me that I was selfish for needing time by myself. We were expected to go to great lengths for her, and this only got worse as we got older. If do what she asked for whatever reason, she told us we were selfish, bad, awful people and would go on and on about what a great mother she has been, how she's given us her whole life, etc... .

My father died suddenly last fall, and my mother's behavior towards us has only gotten worse.

She's recently moved out of the country, but this doesn't ease things believe it or not. She was having an issue with her bank and asked one of my sisters to call her bank and pretend to be her, to resolve the issue.

Whenever she has visited us, it's always because she needs something, not because she wants to visit and spend time together.

She is extremely needy and verbally/emotionally abusive. There have a couple times when things have gotten physical or she has tried to intimate one of us physically during one of her rages.

She has no concept of boundaries. I was talking to her about boundaries several months ago, and get this, she said "Oh, I don't like that word. That just means you don't want me in your life."

She's big on name calling and finds ways to rationalize her behavior like no one else I have ever known.

God, sorry, this is a really long introduction. There's so much more, I just didn't know where to start.

Thanks for reading and I hope to connect with you all.

[Waddams]

 

Welcome to our little slice of the internet.  I'm sorry you've had such a rough time.  I know growing up with all that had to take a toll on you.

To start, I'll just say this:  Loving someone doesn't mean letting them hurt you.  Of course she's going to try to break down your boundaries when you erect them, and she's going to do it the way she always has acted, only with more intensity.  It's what BPD's do.  It's not that their evil, they're wounded people, and they act out when they're afraid.

The good news is you can take measures to protect yourself from the craziness, and you can learn how to do so in a way that still leaves room for a healthy relationship with your BPD mom, if she's willing to do her part.

I'm going to refer you to this board first.  [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

Start with reviewing the info. in the pinned threads at the top of the board.  You can also post and respond to the various discussions that are on-going.  Jump right in!

Do you have a therapist?  A good therapist that understands BPD well (and if they understand BPD, they likely understand other PD's well and will be good resources for you) can be very beneficial to learning to cope with these issues.  They can explain where all this comes from and help you formulate strategies to deal with it and also help you learn how to be strong against the attacks against your boundaries.  In other words, how to be strong in the face of the rage and not give into it and not participate in the back and forth chaos the BPD's create.  It's not easy, but you can learn it!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, SweetJane, I'd like to join Waddams in welcoming you! Have you had a chance to poke around this site yet? There are many Workshops, Articles & Videos that can help you understand how your Mom's brain works, and how learning to communicate better with her can make things better. Waddams has given you a great idea to check out the Lessons and pinned threads at the top of the Message Boards.

It also helps when you take care of yourself; here are a couple of links that could help you: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children and Boundaries Tools of Respect

I'm happy you are here... . Everyone who posts here will understand what life is like with a BPD family member or loved one; the amount of information, advice and support will amaze you... . Keep posting and asking questions; it really does help 

[zone out]

Hi Sweetjane

I can identify with so much that you are saying - now is the time to act! I have let my mother get away with this crazy behavior (uBPD) for far too many years and now the boundary setting is much more difficult as she can play on the ill, elderly aspects - although she is in good shape for her age.  I only recently found out about BPD and the site (which is excellent) but if I was speaking to my younger self, I would definitely have done something, anything! years ago.  Now my children are grown up and leaving home.  They have been such a joy but I have wasted so many happy times with a black cloud hanging over me.

It is positive that your mother has moved on and started a new life for herself in another country.  There is lots of good information on the site ... . lots of good book recommendations and above all the realization that you are not alone in all the crazy things you are experiencing.  Seems almost strange that so many people who have never met experience so many similar things.

All the very best to you,

Zone out