Deceit, Smear Campaigns and the Letting Go

[Ann2034]

I haven't been on this board in a while because things have been going pretty well. Most of the time when something ridiculous happens I'm able to just role my eyes and deal with it. I even had a great time at my family reunion, (especially since it was all the normals that came   ) But then I found out from an Aunt that my brother organized an alternate reunion so that he could visit with some of the same relatives without me around, just two weeks later... . in a different city... . after telling me he was skipping the reunion this year. This is because I confronted him about his mean behavior two years ago and we haven't really spoken much since then. He can be extremely verbally abusive when he wants to be, so I've been trying to mend the rift between us with short phone calls and emails.

It shouldn't get me down, but it makes me sad because this explains why some of my relatives were nervous and acting strange around me at the reunion I attended. Apparently some of them had to buy two sets of plane tickets just to appease my brother who didn't want to be in the same room with me, so I don't blame them for being upset about the rift between him and I. I only wish I had known so we could have figured out an alternative to them having to sneak off for a mini-reunion in another city. I feel like a bad person, like maybe there's something wrong with me if my own brother has to go to such great lengths to avoid me. I can at least take solace in the fact that I specifically invited him to the first reunion, and in return he lied about why he couldn't come, went behind my back to organize another reunion and asked relatives to lie about it too. In the end he should be the one to feel guilty, if they were capable of such things. Thanks for letting me vent, this board is the best thing for a troubled heart!

[hoping4hope]

Sounds like he is still mean... . My family is also all wrangled up... . but why wait until after to tell you or why tell you at all then.  If someone had spoken up you could have tried to work something out, but no one did.  Why is that?  How scared of this mean guy are they exactly.

Give yourself a couple of big sighs... . things are not better with him... .

I really understand this feeling.

[GeekyGirl]

You did the right thing by inviting your brother, even though he didn't respond in a very mature way.   At least you got to spend some time with your relatives and enjoy yourself. I know how hurtful it is that your brother would go as far as to schedule an alterate family reunion, but you're right--you should not feel guilty.

What do you want to happen from here?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Ann2034,

I'm sorry you had to hear about the party behind your back, and the smear campaigns. That sounds very hurtful. It's cool that you were above reproach with your relatives since you invited him to your party. Really, that would make you the opposite of a bad person. You invited him even after he's hurt you which shows emotional maturity, while he had a reunion behind your back and won't come near you which shows emotional immaturity. In essence, this isn't your fault.

What do you plan to do with your family in the future? Has this caused any further rifts?

[Ann2034]

Thank you all for your support and well wishes, I knew you guys would get it. The next steps are really undecided from here, I'm not sure how to react to someone who's not interested in working things out. I'm probably going to see him at Thanksgiving, but I think I can deal with him pushing my buttons and acting stand-offish, it's never going to feel good around him given the way he treats me, and I've learned from past experience that arguing just makes it worse, but as much as I don't want him to act like that I can't really change who he is. All I can do is work hard to dismantle all the emotional buttons, keep my distance and hope he moves on to different interests in life other than being hurtful. It's not easy, and there's a lot of anger to swallow, but in the end I know he's a miserable person. If he want's to act that way good luck to him; the reunions are more fun without all the drama any way.

Thanks again for the support:)