6 Months and now I'm going backwards, Alone with no support.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey guys.

Well i was looking hopeful. At the 4th month mark I felt like I had my independence back and I was doing well after my exuBPDgf left me in January. My job and side business is going well I was getting my life back on track. But now at the 6th month mark I'm feeling very lousy and alone. I find myself randomly sobbing at times and I'm even getting some nightmares back. She left me for another guy after all I did for her and Although I don't want her back she definitely triggered massive abandonment and abuse issues I have had since childhood.

I think the biggest problem Is I don't really have a support network apart from the awesome people on here. I work in the nightlife industry and know lots of people but thats all show and I don't really speak to anyone in my real day to day life and since I work strange hours I don't see friends often and I have a few issues getting close to family and Its not like they can really be very bothered with me anyway. I don't blame then I guess no one understands. Therapy would be an Ideal choice and something I'm looking into once I have a car and I'm back on my feet again. I'm just feeling very alone and empty right now I guess I'm just looking for support because I'm not feeling the love from anywhere. Right now i don't even feel worthy of someone genuine.

Thanks as always for all your help.

[snappafcw]

Hey guys.

Well i was looking hopeful. At the 4th month mark I felt like I had my independence back and I was doing well after my exuBPDgf left me in January. My job and side business is going well I was getting my life back on track. But now at the 6th month mark I'm feeling very lousy and alone. I find myself randomly sobbing at times and I'm even getting some nightmares back. She left me for another guy after all I did for her and Although I don't want her back she definitely triggered massive abandonment and abuse issues I have had since childhood.

I think the biggest problem Is I don't really have a support network apart from the awesome people on here. I work in the nightlife industry and know lots of people but thats all show and I don't really speak to anyone in my real day to day life and since I work strange hours I don't see friends often and I have a few issues getting close to family and Its not like they can really be very bothered with me anyway. I don't blame then I guess no one understands. Therapy would be an Ideal choice and something I'm looking into once I have a car and I'm back on my feet again. I'm just feeling very alone and empty right now I guess I'm just looking for support because I'm not feeling the love from anywhere. Right now i don't even feel worthy of someone genuine.

Thanks as always for all your help.

[delusionalxox]

Snappa you sound so extremely brave and you are clearly going in the right direction.

I found that my BPD ex sometimes made me feel less lonely too- absorbed in some way in his intensit= but at times I felt extremely lonely while with him, too, as I just couldnt' get through to him and I was always frightened of something setting off.

I realised that although I wanted him desperately as a friend, he was not one. Never was. I was an object to him, that he needed for a while.

I don't have much support either and get isolated through work and childcare, and am really feeliing it. I'm trying to journal every day, eat well, constantly give myself afffirmations. However my intense loneliness after the split has already led to a dodgy assignation with a younger man which left me feeling much worse 

After all we should be proud of ourselves, we are strong people who have stood by someone destructive for too long and now we neeed to value ourselves. But I hear you on feeling alone. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to moan/chat to

[snappafcw]

Thats very kind of you to reply delusionalxox Thank you

I think the hardest thing is after all the things I did for her both material and non material it all got returned after the idealisation faze with silent treatment. Hypocritical snide remarks, lies and a lack of love accountability and gratitude. I payed the price of giving more than I had to her and to be used like I was has just made me feel very worthless. This isn't the first disordered woman I have dated and even the ladies I meet just as friends seem to use me for their ego boost when times are tough and then they leave when they are fine. I guess thats the flaw of being the rescuer in me... .

You think I'm brave? Thats very kind but I honestly don't see it even if these relationships are much more difficult to overcome. I'm not prefect but I have a very big heart and I've been let down so many times now its like I have nothing left to give.

[delusionalxox]

You sound very tough to be doing well in your business etc right now. I haven't really been able to work for 2 months- but then have also had to go through nasty stuff related to the breakup (he abandoned me when I was pregnant... . )

The big heart thing is interesting isn't it... . I can be a snappy difficult bad tempered person but I am extremely forgiving and if someone says 'sorry' to me with apparent sincerity- or even just comes back and is nice and pleasant (ex rarely said sorry for anything of consequence  ) I do not hold grudges (until I am reminded of previous behaviour... . then I can feel resentful and throw the kitchen sink... . I sure am no   :D)

I guess I too am a 'recycler'. I take people on at face value and this isn't always a good thing- for ME. I haven't valued or protected myself enough from damaging relationships and silly idealisation (including the idea of 'forever' being a Great Thing even if it was a forever of fighting, childishness and disruption).

The cliche is so true, we must take care of ourselves first not BPD.

[snappafcw]

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry what you have been through it makes me feel very selfish in comparison. You and I are a lot alike I'm not perfect but I easily forgive and open my heart. It's a shame all to often it is seen as weakness. I really hope things get better for you soon and you meet a real man you sound like an amazing person. In the first month it was constant nightmares and poor eating and sleeping for me too. It started to get so much better I wish I knew why I was majorly slipping.

[xandrew245x]

Snap, you should not feel selfish, even though I slightly do as well. I am in the same spot you are and know exactly how you feel. I was with my exuBPD for 3 and a half years, married to her for 8 months. My family and I are pretty well off financially, she knew this, and I believe that is why she pushed me so hard to move 3 hours away with her to attend college. We didnt work, so I supported her financially with the money I had saved up, I had lost thousand of dollars on her in the 1.5 years we lived there. Then she decided she wanted to quit college and come back home. I followed her of course, I always supported her. She used my mother to get pretty much anything she wanted, and then when she was finished with her, she stopped spending time with her. I have always been a very caring person and forgive very easily, I had caught her in lies before and always forgave her. She manipulated me to get what ever she wanted, and if I didn't give it would throw temper tantrums and guilt me by saying well you got this, so on so fourth. She put me down, started arguments over stupid things, and put me down.


I had always felt like maybe I was being the awful person she said I was because she told me how bad I was so often. We bought a house together, which was only possible because of my money I have saved, my parents gave her a job, I bought her a brand new car that she wanted. I gave her pretty much anything she wants and always support her decisions and be hobbies. She met a new guy and dropped me like a ton of bricks the day after meeting him. She said she couldn't handle the way I treated her anymore. Since then a whole bunch of lies and things she didn't behind my back have been exposed.


Just hang in there, counseling defiantly helps, a lot of us are in the same boat as you, I have found the more I understand BPD, the easier it is for me to let go and heal. I am here for you if you ever need to just chat, I know exactly how you are feeling.

[huhhuh]

You are not alone to go through the process alone.

I am also going through a breakup alone. No friends to talk to about it. I saw a therapist but he was to no help so I dropped it.

It's a nightmare. pure hell. so painful.

We must stay strong and survive.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for the kind words. I am doing my best day by day coming to terms with things as best as I can and Im here to support you all in doing the same. The injustice is the worst. After all I had been put through I still have love for my Ex and wish her nothing but a happy life. Her on the other hand couldn't care less and I am left out in the cold... .

Thats life i guess... .

[huhhuh]

You say it spot on: injustice.

I am the nicest person on earth and I loved her so much and I was so nice to her but she just couldn't see it. It is so painful to realize that she just couldn't see it.

I miss her very much and I feel that the detachment process suddenly went back to zero.

[snappafcw]

My situation 100% huhuh hang in there

[Trick1004]

Snapp and Andrew,

The lack of appreciation or recognition of all the support I gave her during the 3+ years we were together is probably the biggest thing that still bothers me and I am hung up on. A couple of days after she ended things I left a two page letter for her on the table essentially saying how I still loved her very much, wanted her to be happy, and despite the pain I was in wouldn't trade having been in a r/s with her for anything (looking back, I realize she had me in deep). What did I get back? A note thanking me for my kind words and that she hoped we could meet at some point when I was ready to talk (about what I have no idea).

I think it is her way to avoid self-reflecting on how much she used me and the level of support I gave her and helps her feel better about herself knowing that I am still open to talking at some point. What she doesn't realize is that I have decided this will never happen if I don't get some kind of recognition or thanks for what I did and am going to continue moving on without her in my life.

[snappafcw]

I think thats it. I take accountability for my part in this relationship... . But I was very good to her. I think deep down she actually appreciates everything I did but doesn't want to face her shame. It would mean the world to me if she was grateful and even though we didn't work out I did my 100% best for her. But alas she is disordered she is just going to run and keep on running forever.

I feel guilty that I can't help her even though its definitely not my place too. And probably more than she deserves from me anyway.

[Nearlybroken]

Snapp... . I know how you are feeling.I too feel that I am "going backwards".I have noone to talk to as all of my friends seem now to be losing patience with me.They just do not understand that BPD breakups are not like normal breakups.They seem so much more destructive and painful.I now rely solely on this site for support ( and what a support it has been).I can honestly say that my expwBPd has been on my mind 24-7 both before we split and since.Like you I was very good to him.I was pushed to the point where I snapped and that was his cue.His behaviour towards me has been horrendous and spiteful (see my previousposts).At this stage I do not know whether I am unable to get over the relationship or whether the pain comes from the anger and frustration involved in knowing that he thought so little of me that he felt it acceptable to abuse me in such a manner.I am crying a lot lately as everything sinks in.Taking medication and have just started therapy.I cannot see me ever getting over the events of the past year.I am a nice person and gave my ex so much love and support.Now he chooses to disregard me like I am worthless.Hurts.My therapist says that dealing with BPd can be so traumatic for a non that they need intensive therapy in the same manner that someone with PTSD needs to be helped.But friends  and family cannot seem to grasp the pain involved for us... . wishing you all the very best.NB

[snappafcw]

I really hope the therapy works out for you NB and I am so sorry you went through all of this too. I think thats the thing the people who are close just can't understand they haven't been there I suppose if it was reversed I would be a little skeptical too. I'm doing well in my job right now thats a positive but my self worth is still almost zero. After what I went through I don't feel worthy of a nice partner. Hopefully this feeling passes. At least through all of this I will pay attention to my gut and try and stick to my boundaries... .

[Nearlybroken]

I know the " no self-worth " feeling very very well Snapp.I guess that is a direct result of being treated so badly by someone who seems to take pleasure from it.I struggle to accept that, at least in the eyes of my ex, I am not worthy of apologies or explanations or remorse.But I hope that soon this feeling willl pass.You sound like a very nice caring and loving person and I am sure that in time you will find someone worthy of your love.I cannot comprehend another relationship yet ( pathetically still have feelings for my ex ( ?) ) but if I ever do I will ensure I learn lessons from what has been the most awful experience of my life.By the way my therapist said that such is the trauma involved in BPD relationships that nons do well to function normally during them and it's even harder when they end in terms of nons being able to cope so it shows how strong you are to be making a success of your job.  

[VeryFree]

I feel guilty that I can't help her even though its definitely not my place too. And probably more than she deserves from me anyway.

Think about the following: you get to meet a person that is in a wheelchair. The reason of that wheelchair is: the person 30 years ago was hit by a drunk driver.

You possibly feel sorry for that person, but could you feel guilty about it? You weren't the drunk driver, you didn't know person back then, you had nothing to do with the accident.

You can't make the person walk again. You can do a lot to help though, but the person will never walk.

Of course you would not feel guilty.

Back to BPD: your SO has a mental illness. This kind of illness doesn't start from today on tomorrow. It has a whole history, mostly started in the BPD's youth. You weren't there, you didn't even know the pwBPD.

Why should you feel guilty? You can do things to help, but you can't take away the disorder.

So again: why should you feel guilty?

It's an interesting question to ask yourself. Stop thinking about your x and start thinking about yourself!

[Cocoalover]

Andrew245,

Have u seen a movie( Casino) cast Robert de Niro , joe Pesci. Very interesting if ur into movies. It says it all.

[Anikaca77]

My husband left me on Sat. July 6th to be with another women.  He wouldn't tell me where he was going or anything.  We agreed to split but then of course I suppose I never thought it would actually happen because we always said this but we were packing and moving stuff but I guess it didn't hit me how much I still loved him and cared for him.

I pushed it away and just kept busy packing and stuff.  I had to move in with my parents because I couldn't afford to pay rent since I used all my money to provide for him for 2 years while he was off sick due to his migraines and he is still off sick.

I would take him back... . which isn't good but I miss him and love him even though this is the second time he cheated on me and I miss my cats so much.  I have 4 cats with me but I wish I had a few more and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

I feel your pain... . I had yet another dream about him last night and that I saw my kitties.  I was so happy to see them.

Then I woke up and couldn't sleep well at all.  It sucked so much.  I'm ready to cry and I'm at work and can't cry I need to be a professional and I'm trying but this part of my life is sucking so much.  He told me he's not coming back... . he's 2 states away from me now.  I begged for him to come back and we'd work it out but he isn't coming back and I'm sure when he is fed up with her he might come back to me or if I start showing him I'm over him or moving on them maybe he'll want me again but by that point it will probably be too late.

[snappafcw]

You poor thing. You are still very early in your healing process. Its time to take time for you and do the things you enjoy. I know I'm still hurting but I have come a long way from where I was. it does get better and I hope you realise you deserve better soon. I realise it now yet my self worth is still shattered after the experience.

[delusionalxox]

Another one here with self worth shattered knowing I have been treated appallingly yet still blaming myself, looking at everything I did wrong.

overall I was the supporter, I tried to help him grow up, responsibilise... . when he didn't I always picked up the tab... . for three years. And received only criticism, control and more demands.

it's odd, like so many on here say- I would not want that relationship back. I didn't want to live like that. Yet he had messed with my head so much by the end that I had believed he might be changing. I was an absolute sucker for his changing moods and childlike vulnerability. And he had recycled with me so many times that I guess deep down I didn't believe he would ever disappear, although I knew we should end it.

Now he's gone and probably for good. he called me a psycho and I did behave that way at the end. But in the relationship itself it's clear who was the grownup. I could never leave a partner to abort by herself the way he did. I just can't contemplate that level of coldness.

I still feel flashes of hate and grief but it isn't as bad as a few weeks ago where I was almost literally paralysed- pinned to my sofa for days- felt like a zombie unable to move. I'm still not sleeping or eating well though, and feel constantly as if someone put my heart in a vice.

i simply cannot believe, that he could dump me as brutally as he did after all I did for him. We should at least be friends. But he isn't capable of friendship. I need this fact to get through to my heart.

Love to all who are in pain. It hurts so so much eh. I never ever want to feel this bad again. xxx

[Hazelrah]

My husband left me on Sat. July 6th to be with another women.  He wouldn't tell me where he was going or anything.  We agreed to split but then of course I suppose I never thought it would actually happen because we always said this but we were packing and moving stuff but I guess it didn't hit me how much I still loved him and cared for him.

I pushed it away and just kept busy packing and stuff.  I had to move in with my parents because I couldn't afford to pay rent since I used all my money to provide for him for 2 years while he was off sick due to his migraines and he is still off sick.

I would take him back... . which isn't good but I miss him and love him even though this is the second time he cheated on me and I miss my cats so much.  I have 4 cats with me but I wish I had a few more and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

I feel your pain... . I had yet another dream about him last night and that I saw my kitties.  I was so happy to see them.

Then I woke up and couldn't sleep well at all.  It sucked so much.  I'm ready to cry and I'm at work and can't cry I need to be a professional and I'm trying but this part of my life is sucking so much.  He told me he's not coming back... . he's 2 states away from me now.  I begged for him to come back and we'd work it out but he isn't coming back and I'm sure when he is fed up with her he might come back to me or if I start showing him I'm over him or moving on them maybe he'll want me again but by that point it will probably be too late.

Anikaca,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  My BPD wife left a few weeks before your husband did.  It's been hell since then... . sleepless nights and horrible dreams when sleep finally comes.  My support system is small and well-meaning, but I'd be even more lost than I already am without my pets (2 cats... . both my wife and I had our own cats when we first moved in together).  Let your cats be your solace--it might be an old cliche, but it seems to have a bit of truth to it... . our animals can sense our pain and can be of great comfort in times of turmoil.