Help: Patterns, bad decisions, and picking the best path forward...

[JimInSLC]

Been a while since I have been on here.  I have a lot of history from 2007/8 with my dBP ex wife.  It looks like patterns repeat.  Unfortunately, I tossed fuel on this one, so I have a lot do deal with, much of it IS my fault, while everything since Monday the 8th onwards is not.

I met my now wife in 2008.  It wasn't too long after splitting from my ex.  I was looking for something to fill the void of being alone (pattern).  I have separation anxiety and general anxiety (diagnosed), and am still considered "co-dependant".

We had a great relationship.  She liked what I liked, etc. etc.  Same as before.  It began to unravel before we got married (repeat -- yet again).  I married her.  A year later, we had a son.  She turned her attention to our son, and I felt neglected.  I got lonely.  I tried to get us into marriage counseling but the problems were always "my problems" (I need too much "affirmation", I don't know how to generate my own "pats on the back", "Needy", "I want sex too much" -- e.g. 3-4 times a month, btw.).  We never could get past that.  We got pregnant with baby #2 (surprisingly) mid-last year.  Now I am feeling even less like I am in a relationship. 

I can never do right.  No praise, she is very critical, etc.  She goes between "everything is fine" to super critical.

After feeling left out in my marriage, I made a big mistake.  I stepped out.  I carried on a long-term affair for 9 months.  My undiagnosed BPD wife found out on the 8th.  Needless to say, it has been bad since.  I have seen my therapist 5 times in 11 days.  We are pretty sure she is BP, except it isn't "I hate you, don't leave me", it is "I hate you, don't go -- I need a whipping boy to punish".  One minute she loves me (her words), the next she is raging, throwing things, damaging things, twisting words (literally re-creating reality), breaking down doors.  The next day, she is numb, wants to find a "success path".

I can tell she is struggling with "do I stay or do I go."  I want to make the marriage work, cut off all communication with OW, and am dealing with that piece.

I don't know how to deal with my wife.  While I know my choices alone have added fuel to an already challenging environment, she is swinging further and further every time.  Each time, more hurtful things are said, more physical damage is done, and more emotional damage is done to my two boys. 

I don't know if we can ever get past this, since we couldn't even deal with the issues we had prior to my making this horrific mistake.  I was a slimeball, and I don't deny that portion.

Her reality, though, is skewed.  She is painting things black and white, left and right.  This has to be sold, it is "tainted", we have to do this, it was touched by (her), we can never do this again (e.g. walking to the grocery store is tainted because she used to walk there with me and I cheated).

I don't know if she is truly BPD, NPD, or some combination.  What I do know is she has cut other people out of her life (blood relatives) and I am only now seeing that some of the things I thought were true were HER picture of true.

I own my mistakes.  I will have to spend the rest of my life making amends for the damage I have done to friends and family (since many know).  But I don't know how to deal with HER in this situation.  I fear it is on the edge of police getting involved or her disappearing with my kids.  I don't even feel comfortable filing or separating because she has "made up her mind" that I am no longer the father of her kids... .

Edit:

One other thought.  When things escalate, I haven't left the home because the attorney I spoke with said I could lose parental rights or parenting time, and potentially some decision making capability around retaining the home without an official separation agreement signed by both parties.

Help... .

[Clearmind]

JimInSLC, you highlight some of your own issues which as you know can exacerbate the situation. Its great you are continuing to work with a therapist - is the therapist digging down into your own stuff?

As for your marriage - how are you with boundaries especially when she accuses and blames. What do you do when she rages? We can, without knowing any better, set up some patterns for poor relating and stretching our own boundaries to appease - by not setting boundaries and appeasing we are in fact reinforcing bad behavior.

[bruceli]

Been a while since I have been on here.  I have a lot of history from 2007/8 with my dBP ex wife.  It looks like patterns repeat.  Unfortunately, I tossed fuel on this one, so I have a lot do deal with, much of it IS my fault, while everything since Monday the 8th onwards is not.

I met my now wife in 2008.  It wasn't too long after splitting from my ex.  I was looking for something to fill the void of being alone (pattern).  I have separation anxiety and general anxiety (diagnosed), and am still considered "co-dependant".

We had a great relationship.  She liked what I liked, etc. etc.  Same as before.  It began to unravel before we got married (repeat -- yet again).  I married her.  A year later, we had a son.  She turned her attention to our son, and I felt neglected.  I got lonely.  I tried to get us into marriage counseling but the problems were always "my problems" (I need too much "affirmation", I don't know how to generate my own "pats on the back", "Needy", "I want sex too much" -- e.g. 3-4 times a month, btw.).  We never could get past that.  We got pregnant with baby #2 (surprisingly) mid-last year.  Now I am feeling even less like I am in a relationship. 

I can never do right.  No praise, she is very critical, etc.  She goes between "everything is fine" to super critical.

After feeling left out in my marriage, I made a big mistake.  I stepped out.  I carried on a long-term affair for 9 months.  My undiagnosed BPD wife found out on the 8th.  Needless to say, it has been bad since.  I have seen my therapist 5 times in 11 days.  We are pretty sure she is BP, except it isn't "I hate you, don't leave me", it is "I hate you, don't go -- I need a whipping boy to punish".  One minute she loves me (her words), the next she is raging, throwing things, damaging things, twisting words (literally re-creating reality), breaking down doors.  The next day, she is numb, wants to find a "success path".

I can tell she is struggling with "do I stay or do I go."  I want to make the marriage work, cut off all communication with OW, and am dealing with that piece.

I don't know how to deal with my wife.  While I know my choices alone have added fuel to an already challenging environment, she is swinging further and further every time.  Each time, more hurtful things are said, more physical damage is done, and more emotional damage is done to my two boys. 

I don't know if we can ever get past this, since we couldn't even deal with the issues we had prior to my making this horrific mistake.  I was a slimeball, and I don't deny that portion.

Her reality, though, is skewed.  She is painting things black and white, left and right.  This has to be sold, it is "tainted", we have to do this, it was touched by (her), we can never do this again (e.g. walking to the grocery store is tainted because she used to walk there with me and I cheated).

I don't know if she is truly BPD, NPD, or some combination.  What I do know is she has cut other people out of her life (blood relatives) and I am only now seeing that some of the things I thought were true were HER picture of true.

I own my mistakes.  I will have to spend the rest of my life making amends for the damage I have done to friends and family (since many know).  But I don't know how to deal with HER in this situation.  I fear it is on the edge of police getting involved or her disappearing with my kids.  I don't even feel comfortable filing or separating because she has "made up her mind" that I am no longer the father of her kids... .

Edit:

One other thought.  When things escalate, I haven't left the home because the attorney I spoke with said I could lose parental rights or parenting time, and potentially some decision making capability around retaining the home without an official separation agreement signed by both parties.

Help... .

The above is hard enough to deal with in the confines of a "normal" relationship, but add in the difficulties of being with a pwPD... . I see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy just waiting to happen and I surely feel for you having been put in this situation endlessly throughout my R/S with pwPD.

[Surnia]

JimInSLC

So sorry to hear what brought you back here. 

Its hard to admit repeating patterns... . I know it from my own experience.

I agree with Clearmind about having boundaries.

Boundaries Tools of Respect.

What brings you to fear that police will be involved soon?